The Guidebook
Author's Note: What makes crossover authors so different that they see the connections betwixt media and more? What makes them wonder just what Snape would do if confronted by the Metatron or by Marvin the Maniacally Depressed Robot? What makes them come up with the idea of Sailor Mercury getting hit on by Son Gohan who is on the search for Danny Phantom?
Well, don't look at me, us crossover writers don't have a farking clue either.
Summery- Harry Potter has found a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe (the next generation of guides.) He doesn't know that in fact the Universe edition isn't finished, or really written and that by opening the book he has been hired as a writer for this book. No real training, no real plan, no real idea of just how big the universe is. Just the words Don't Panic' to guide him.
ooOooOoo
Chapter One- Rtwenghatian Philosophy
Harry was astonished to find out just how easy it was to get off of Earth. He took one day during Winter Hols to go to several bookstores, libraries, and other stores. The bookshops and libraries (dark, light, and muggle) were downloaded into Harry's second and third condensed scroll-like book, the other stores were to pick up various supplies, oddities, and his towel (which no hitchhiker should be without.) The next he took a taxi out to the middle of a field and stuck out his thumb.
It took a half hour but then he was picked up, literally, by a pink and orange striped ship with a lime green seal of the Rtwenghatian Royal College of Philosophy and Other Dead and Useless Subjects that Idiots and People With No Common Sense Study, better known as just the last place a parent wants to see their kid end up. Harry didn't know that until he was dropped in the lap of the researcher who picked him up, Yhu Si Huggontio.
Harry's greeting to the three eyed, dark yellow and puce spotted research assistant and student of Rtwenghatian Logic went something like this, AHHHHHHGGGG! OH MY FREEEAKING GODDDD!
Thankfully Yhu had forgotten that Earthmen spoke in various languages and thus forgot her Babel Fish. By the time she found it Harry had gotten himself under control and lied through his teeth and said it was a greeting of great respect and thanks. Otherwise she might have been offended and tossed him out into space.
Where are you headed?I'm not really sure. You know, I just wanted to go away for a bit. Where are you going? asked Harry, thanking all deities that ever existed that he was still a closet Slytherin and thus was able to look interested and respectful while he was inwardly wondering just what she had done in a past life to turn up so ugly.
Well, really I should be doing research on the nature of Effect, but I think I can argue my way out of doing it. So I'm going to Arenshood.
Harry quickly looked up Arenshood in the Guidebook. Arenshood- Arenshood is a planet known only for it's complete lack of mirrors and the blind attendants in charge of the resorts which are the main income of the area. It's a popular stop and vacation spot among the geeks and freakishly deformed college students and computer programmers. Tips: Avoid. Ah, er, do you think you're going to stop before then?Maybe, I do need to pick up some things. I guess I'll stop at Yujilio, it's got a great sweets store and I donno, maybe you'll find another ride there. she said with what could have been a shrug. Harry nodded.
Okay. So, er, what is the nature of Effect?You don't what to know.Why not?Because that's the essence of almost all Rtwenghatian philosophy?The nature of Effect?Then what?Not wanting to know.Why don't you want to know?Because if you know, you understand.Why is that not a good thing?Because if you understand, then you feel like you gave to help everyone else understand. It's all a great mess, really. Harry really didn't get it, but then he supposed maybe that was the point, not to get it. By the time they landed in Yujilio, Harry had a headache, because his brain just kept going in circles and in the end it took three very weird drinks of something quite foul to stop his brain from trying to understand the Rtwenghatian philosophy of not understanding.
He finally came to the conclusion that it was why parents never wanted to send their kids to the Rtwenghatian Royal College of Philosophy and Other Dead and Useless Subjects that Idiots and People With No Common Sense Study. He also resolved never to take a ride with one of their students or professors again. It simply was too much to think about.