A/N: Yea this is version two of chapter . I couldn't decide so yea..........
Standard disclaimer, no warnings. I recommend that you get the song "Feeling way to damn good" by Nickelback. It won't make a difference if you don't but it'd be nice, ya know?
Chapter 8
My mom loaded up the various casseroles and bakes she had prepared the night before and we headed out to Grandpa G's place. I tried my best to be happy for the family. I mean it's not often that I get to see al my relatives right? I even tried to be civil to Alex and his stupid brother, what's his face. I was too dulled out to say that much though. I hadn't slept the night before and I was exhausted from wearing myself out with all that damned caffeine I had consumed. I'd like to just blame it on the caffeine but then I'd be lying to myself.
I went through the next days quietly, each day looking at myself in the mirror and swallowing the ever present lump in my throat. Trying to make sure I'd make it through the day without breaking down into a heap of muddled emotions and self pity. I went through Thanksgiving in a caffeine-induced stupor. I went out to find a quiet place and just sat there trying to lose myself in a cup of coffee, black without any sugar. Funny right? Most would try lighting up or drinking but I felt that would only make me feel worse and lead me somewhere I didn't want to be. The caffeine thing wasn't a good idea either though because it kept me up all night and gave me hours to reflect on the events prior. I eventually settled on curling into a fetal ball and crying to myself. I just wanted the whole thing to go away. I wanted to wake up and be seven years old again.. Maybe I could be reincarnated so I could start over and resurrect my life from the shambles it's currently in.
)remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
'Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say(
At school, I tried to absorb myself in study or in people. I needed human contact. It didn't matter who it was as long as they could fulfill my need to be social. I think the one day things turned around was when Hilde came up to me once during lunch.
"Duo MAXWELL! What is the meaning of this?!" I had been pretty dazed at the moment so I had spent a few minutes blinking before actually responding.
"Wha?" She put her hands on her hips.
"Duo, I trusted that you could take care of yourself but look at YOU!" She accentuated the you by gesturing to my form with her hands.
"I'm ok." I attempted to walk past her but she kindly pushed me back in place. She was actually pretty strong for someone so small.
"Are you not eating or something? Not sleeping? DUO I know you better than that." She fixed me with a disappointed look.
'Of course I'm eating. You know me. Imma vacuum." I grinned, attempting to make light of the situation and was pleased to get a small smile from her.
"Duo, please look out for yourself. I don't know what kind of rut your in but if it's about the gay club thing, it's nothing major." I attempted to speak but she mowed right over my protest. " Everyone's ok with it. Don't beat yourself up or let people get you down. People can be stupid creatures." She gave a grin, patted my back, and walked away. How? What would anyone know about that? I looked to Quatre for aid but he just shrugged.
)And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside(
I walked out the lunch room to compose myself, but when I did, something told me I would've been a lot better off staying inside the cafeteria. I was right.........
"Heero..." He just fixed me with that cold stare he had taken up again, like a cross of some sort that he must bear. I nearly cowered under his stare. I knew I looked like shit. I didn't need a mirror to tell me that. When I looked into his eyes, if I didn't know any better I'd say there was remorse or was that pity? Maybe he was having it as rough as I was. After a few minutes he finally decided on pushing past me into the lunch room. I stayed glued to the spot, just staring wide eyed as he walked away, not even caring.
)You made a fool of me
Tell me why(
I still stood there and I could feel my self choking up slightly. Why did things like this happen to me? I made a dash for the bathroom and locked myself in the stall until I could trust myself to join the living without making a fool of myself. I let the tears fall freely not even caring. I cradled my head in my hands and leaned my forehead against the side of the bathroom stall.
)You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me(
(X)(x)(X)
I think I died along with the light in Duo's eyes. I can replay that scene from his room over and over again and I can't seem to make sense of what I did. And that makes me feel like total and complete shit. When things I don't make sense my world is practically shattered. I've always relied on things being either in black or white not in shades of gray. Right or Wrong no in between. Yes, no, not even maybe. And then one day Duo Maxwell comes sauntering down the hallway, leaving his image set in my mind. Do you know what it's like to not even understand what's happening in your own mind? Lately it's as if some things' don't have to have a reason for happening.......... like rationality is never guaranteed.
When I saw Duo today on my way to lunch I nearly spilled everything on my mind but then I couldn't. I miss Duo. The past week has been more of a hell than life usually is. I know we were only together for a short time but from the moment I first spoke to Duo I was intrigued and fascinated with him. Later when we became a little bit closer (Moving past the I hate your guts stage) I felt as if I'd always known him, but then I was edgy because who wants to repeat things over and over again. What happened with Lynx was a sure sign that some of us are not meant to find that other someone. When with Duo I felt like I found that so I was ready to run and pretend the whole thing had never happened.
Quatre hates me. I'm sure of that. He knows I hurt Duo, but at the time I thought I could handle it, okay? It never really hit me, what I had been doing, until the day after I left Duo. Yes I loved playing the bastard but it didn't seem like such a fun role lately. I mean don't get me wrong. There were times between then and now when telling off innocent civilians (including the elderly) and pouring my morning coffee (steaming hot) on some happy little puppy dog when walking down the street made me feel a lot better. But was it worth it to keep hurting the person I actually felt for/ Out of all the people in this century, I started to care for him. I look at my behavior, the decisions I've made, and the things I've done since I met Duo, and I realize that I truly care for him. So if I care for him why can't I bring myself to take the drive back over to his house and say that I'm sorry............ and mean it? Part of me wishes he'd come over here so I wouldn't have to say how much inner turmoil I'm going through, but Duo's smart and proud as well. He knows when he can go on without someone. Of course he does.......... he's the most beautiful creature I've seen in ages.
You want to know how I'm positive I'm right back where I started? I know because I'm here staring at my ceiling again. I'm here in my 'might as well be empty' apartment staring at my blank ceiling. I laugh bitterly as I think about how long I've been here on this bed and haven't been able to sleep yet.
Can you hear me calling out for you Duo? Do you hear my soul screaming? Probably not........
(X)(x)(X)
It's December. Did you know that? December's in New York are really cold. But then again if I know that why am I standing outside with a close to nothing jacket staring at Heero's apartment? I wonder what he'd say if I actually appeared at his door. He'd probably close it post haste seeing as how I probably look like the damned grim reaper.
I looked in the mirror this morning and was shocked to see my own face. I looked like I hadn't seen sunlight or food in days. My hair was a mess and my mouth was drawn into a thin line. I brushed up my hair some and tried putting a steaming towel on my face..... then you wanna know what else I did? I actually ate something. I felt a little bit better now that I was somewhat warmed and full. I would have to go through some intense eating exercises before I actually returned back to my former self. My parents said it looked like I had lost a few pounds. I chuckled a bit at that.
I once tried calling Heero but when he answered I couldn't bring myself to speak. In the end I hung up and sulked at the wall the rest of the evening. Calling him was a shitty idea from the word 'go'.
I was fighting my own little mental war.....
I should go up and see him.
I want to go up and see him.
I could actually go up and see him.
Why not go up and see him?
I'm going to go up and see him.
I can't go up and see him.
Maybe he'd take me back.
I doubt it.
Maybe we'd make peace with each other. Maybe we'd remedy the need to be fulfilled within each other. I don't know.
/I shouldn't go and see him./ I defied all reason and logic and took the elevator up to his floor. I was a little nervous but I wanted to show that I could face reality for once instead of running and denying things. Besides I was cold.
)I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me
You must've broke down
Coz you finally said that you would(
I knocked on the door tentatively, refusing to lose my nerve.
The silence gave me time to think. There was a time when he came after me. When I had avoided him. It was like a mission. Of course you and I both know that he botched it or else I wouldn't be here at this moment. Well maybe I would, but it wouldn't be for the same reasons........
I knocked again and was a bit pleased to here shuffling behind the door along with the jiggling of the nob and soon the actual door opened! Isn't that just precious? I prepared myself for the person behind the door.
(X)(x)(X)
)But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good(
As I answered the door I was prepared to curse another salesman. Usually I had a policy not to use magic or enchantments while living as a citizen but those bastards did not give up.
When I opened the door I was surprised to see none other than a very nervous Duo Maxwell. I stopped breathing for a full five minutes as we stared at each other. His nervousness caused him to play with the end of his braid as he looked at me with large, scared, amethyst eyes.
"Duo....." I breathed it out, just like I did when I would imagine him there with me, when he actually wasn't.
)For 48 hours I don't think that we left my hotel room
Should show you the sights
Coz I'm sure that I said that I would
We gotta make love just one last time in the shower
Well something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way to damn good(
His eyes started to fill with tears as I stood there completely confused. I watched him practically float into my arms, braid trailing slowly behind him. In reality he was probably throwing himself at me, but I wasn't my usual alert self. He practically clung to me and I could think of nothing to do but wrap my arms around him and nuzzle my head into his hair. I felt him shake his head back and forth into my chest.
)And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should(
I still squeezed him closer to me and refused to let go of him. I was tired of screwing up and if he was giving me a chance I wasn't going to mess it up. I continued nuzzling my face in his hair as I listened to him mutter through his tears.
"You bastard....you always leave, and then you make me like this.... I hate you....."
"I'm sorry for being a bastard Duo. I am...."
"Just shut up Heero and let me have this moment for me..... before you start saying thing you don't mean."
"I mean it.......this time I do." He looked up from my chest. And his eyes filled with even more tears as he started crying into my chest once again.
)This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to dam good, oh
Feelin' way too damn good(
I'd never seen Duo cry. I didn't take him for someone who would cry. I probably shouldn't talk because I almost wanted to cry. Almost. I smiled into his hair and inhaled the scent. Sour Apple Shampoo.
)Sometimes I think best if left in the memory
It's better kept inside than left for good
Lookin' back each time they tried to tell me
Well something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way too damn good And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to dam good, oh
Feelin' way too damn good
Oh, oh, feelin' way too damn good(
(X)(x)(X)
The next morning I woke up next to Heero. We didn't have sex if that's what your thinking. I know most would expect that after getting back together I'd go into detail about how we made love for hours and bah bah bah. But that's not the case. I was a lot happier just being held. I believe him when he says he mean's it that he's sorry. Part of me wonders though. This could just be a dream and then I'll probably wake up with tear stains on my face. I sniffled a bit at that thought. I was pretty sure I had a cold. Which mad me grimace slightly. I hate colds. I wrinkled my nose as I felt a sneeze coming on. Yep. I had a cold. I couldn't hold it anymore and gasped right before I let out a tiny burst of air and another one following in rapid succession.
I felt Heero stir a bit but he still kept his arms around me. I listened as his breath changed and smiled when I realized he had awakened.
"You need something for that?" I turned around to face him.
"Not if you have to get up." He smirked.
"Well what happens if I catch a cold." I pouted a bit.
"You'll have to deal with it." I gasped as he rolled over on top of me. His nose was inches from mines.
"Will I?" I grinned.
"You damn straight," I nodded back and forth, making up my own little song.
"Uh huh, Uh huh, uh huh uh huh uh huh." He chuckled a bit before bringing his lips to mines. I smiled a bit into the kiss. I brought my arms up and around his neck as he brought a hand to my face. He caressed my cheek gently which almost caused me to laugh a bit.
)And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight(
He broke away from the kiss and examined my face a bit. The smirk still on his features. It was a light hearted smirk though. One that said things might be ok this time. I smiled and pulled him back down as I crushed my lips against his. His tongue demanded entrance as we deepened the kiss. Sealing some unspoken agreement.
)Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to damn good, (
I arched my back a bit as he trailed his lips up and down my neck. I still had my arms around his neck as I held him to me....
)oh, (
You always know how to make me feel good. I like that. Just as much as I like the person you are. Even when your difficult. I moaned a bit as I felt my skin heat up.
)oh(
This is unreal....
)Feelin' way too damn good(
Don't leave me anymore......
)Feelin' way too damn good
(I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me)
Your body pressed against mines.......
)Feelin' way too damn good(
Oh God......
)(I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me)(
Notes: Well that's that for this chapter. What'd ya think? Hope you liked it. I liked the song.....
Credit for the songs go to Nickelback and Me'shell Ndegeocello. Since this chapter was kinda short the next might be longer but who knows..... Later......