Summary: Who will watch Eldarion next?
Disclaimer: I do not own them sigh
A/N: This is a parody, NOT canon of course, and thanks to my beta Karri, you rule!
Reviewers:
Alariel, ak-stinger, Jen33, Karri, Estelle1, Elven Kitten, Elwen of Imladris, Ceyxa thank! to Legolas' girl snort it is a parody not canon.
Chapter 2
Thranduil, King of Mirkwood, was trying to enjoy the peace and quiet of the morning, but the crazed noises coming from outside had him standing to his feet. Grabbing one of the nearby guards as he ran past, King Thranduil questioned him.
"What in Arda's name has everyone acting so strangely?"
"Sire, there is a human in the courtyard!"
"Why, and who has brought him here?"
Estel entered the room, dragging a scowling Eldarion behind him. "I believe he is referring to me, milord." Giving Eldarion a quick look that would rival his father, Estel began to explain. "Milord, Legolas enjoyed his visit with Eldarion so much last time, I thought he would like the chance to teach Eldarion more about Mirkwood. I fear I must go away for a the day, and he is not yet of age to follow."
Thranduil glanced down at the small adan child, observing that, even though he was indeed adan, his hands were slender, his ears had a very slight tip on them, and he could see the elven qualities given to him by his mother.
"I do not see why Legolas would mind watching him for a couple days."
It was at this time that Legolas himself walked into the room and, upon seeing Eldarion, started backing away.
"Estel, why are you here, and why have you brought Eldarion with you?
"Uncle Legolas!" Eldarion shouted, while lunging towards him.
Legolas tried to move out of the way of his grasp, but the child was agile and grabbed him about the waist.
"Do you want to teach me more archery? Can we go play more games?"
At the sight of his son growing paler than even his elven qualities allowed, Thranduil spoke up. "Of course! We would be glad to watch him."
Legolas started backing out of the room. "I just remembered I have to go out to survey the outer rim of Mirkwood today, Adar."
Thranduil watched as his son ran from the room and wondered what in the world had caused him to be so rude as the bolt out of the room leaving the guest like that. He would make sure to have a word with him later about his manners.
Eldarion grew bored of watching King Thranduil fill out papers so he slipped from the room to find something to do. It did not take him long, as he wandered the many halls, to come across a room full of special herbs and flowers. His own grandfather had many of these and he had even taught Eldarion which ones were good for certain things.
Eldarion grabbed a few of the flowers he knew would produce some lasting effects and took off running down the hall. Running into the king's bathing chamber, Eldarion had one of the staff fill the tub with soothing hot water, and then he crumbled the flowers into the bath.
"King Thranduil!" Eldarion yelled.
When Thranduil stuck his head out into the hall, he found himself being dragged from the room by the small hand. "Eldarion, where are we going?"
Eldarion did not answer but continued to walk the king to his room. Once he opened the door, he led him to the bathing chamber. "You have been working all morning so I made you a bath.
Thranduil smiled down at the thoughtful child. "I would never have taken a break from my stack of paperwork, but how can I refuse such a grand gesture." As Thranduil lowered himself into the tub and leaned back, enjoying the fragrant flowers, he wondered why Legolas had told him that Eldarion was ten times worse than the twins.
Lunch had come, and Thranduil entered the dining hall to find Eldarion already waiting. He smiled down at the child who was sitting, hands in his lap.
"I would like to thank you again for the wonderful gesture this morning. I felt a century younger when I got out, but for some reason I am itching all over." Shrugging it off, Thranduil sat down in his seat to enjoy the meal.
There was quite a banquet laid out for just the two of them. Legolas had yet to come back, and Thranduil knew it would be late when he did arrive. " I am sorry that my son is not here, but perhaps after lunch we can go and see just what he has taught you about using a bow."
Eldarion's face lit up, and he chuckled as he watched Thranduil ladle the soup into his bowl. His uncles had told him of this herb, not knowingly of course, but he had overheard them nonetheless. Eldarion was not sure exactly what they had meant by the result, but he knew that they were embarrassed enough by it that he wanted to know.
"This is the best soup I have eaten in a long time. Would you have anymore in the kitchen?" the king ask of his cook. The same cook who he normally waved away without a second thought now looked very appealing to him. When the cook returned he thanked her with a small slap to the behind.
The cook jumped in alarm at what her king had just done but backed out of the room, bowing as she went.
Finishing off his third bowl of soup, Thranduil stood. "Let's go and see your skills with the bow, young one."
Eldarion followed but noticed as they passed the she elves in the hall that Thranduil swatted each one on the arse. As they made it outside, they saw one of the she elves by the small stream. Eldarion watched with wide eyes as King Thranduil walked over and told her how beautiful she was. It was not long before the servant was covered in water from her task of squeezing the water out of the linen, and King Thranduil seemed even more pleased. Flinging his clothes off, he ran naked towards her as she screamed.
It happened so fast that Eldarion could understand the swiftness of elves at this moment. The she elf pushed past her king, as Legolas ran screaming past him. Throwing a sheet over his now naked father, Legolas ushered him into the house, glaring at Eldarion as he passed by.
Eldarion shrugged it off, not really understanding the big deal over it. Maybe the king was just hot? Inside, however, there was another problem.
Legolas dragged the unknown elf down the hall and every time they passed a she elf there were growls and whistles coming from under the sheet. After getting him to his room, Legolas began the rant.
"How could you! You are the king of Mirkwood!"
Thranduil shook his head and felt the soup from earlier churning. "I do not know what came over me. I ate soup at lunch with Eldarion, and then I ... Oh Valar, what did I do?"
"Never mind that, you should rest for awhile. I will take care of the servant. Perhaps she would like a vacation to Lothlorien."
Legolas exited the room and went to his own to lie down. He was not yet ready to face the servants or the spawn of Mordor Estel called his child.
Just as his eyes finally glazed over in his sleep, Legolas felt something crawling under his covers. Not really thinking, he reached his hand down to see what it was. The cold slimy thing that touched him sent shivers down his spine. No one knew of his fear of snakes, no one, that is, but Estel. Screaming, he flung the covers off of him, but that only managed to send the snake flying up into the air and falling right down on top of his head.
"Eldarion!" he screamed, and soon a small head poked out from behind the closet.
"You wanted me, Uncle Legolas?" he asked, peeking his head from behind the door.
"You are by far the worst adan I have ever laid eyes on. How your father can control you is beyond me, and your mother is too pure to have born you! Go find someone else to amuse yourself with!"
Those words Legolas would later regret.
Legolas and Thranduil both felt better after a short nap, and when they met in the kitchen, they were amazed to find Eldarion missing.
"Perhaps I was too harsh with him earlier," Legolas thought, but at the sight of the cook bringing in the meal, he gasped.
"What happened to your hair!" Thranduil shouted.
"Your young guest told me it was too golden, that it needed more color, so he decided to put blue dye in my shampoo."
The meal was finished off in silence, neither of them questioning the boy's absence until afterwards. "I suppose we should find our guest. Even though he is quite awful, Estel would never forgive us if something harmed him."
Both king and prince walked throughout the halls of Mirkwood looking for the small adan. In each room they stopped in, they found that Eldarion had already been there. The elvish teacher had much shorter hair now; the stable hand was now in the healing ward with the brand of Mirkwood on his left arse cheek; and one of the advisors was hobbling towards them with an arrow sticking out of his foot.
"I think our guest needs a quick snack and then bed. Tomorrow afternoon his father comes back, and I would have him gone swiftly."
"My sentiments exactly, adar."
Just as Thranduil drifted off to sleep, he thought he felt something graze his face. When nothing else became of it, he drifted off, blissfully unaware of anything that was going on in his room.
Thranduil slept peacefully, but the warm breath on his neck had him blinking back in wonder. As his eyes rid themselves of the last remnants of sleep, he came face to face with a horse. Jumping up in surprise, he went to dash from his room and find the urchin child, but as he took off for the door, his elven grace failed him. Sliding down, he found himself laying in the many droppings of a horse that was obviously sick, for no other creature could make such a mess.
Hearing the shouts, many people came running to their king's aid, but one step into the room, which now smelled of droppings, had them all backing away. Thranduil wanted his son, he wanted him to take away the child before he killed him, but Legolas had his own problems.
Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, many centuries old, found himself laying nude with every elf maiden in Mirkwood standing in his room or hanging from his balcony, trying to get a better look. As he wiped the remnants of sleep from his eyes, he screamed, looking around for something to cover himself with. Finding nothing but a pink fluffy robe, he snatched it on and ran from the room to search for the child called Eldarion, the one who had only minutes to live.
Estel had snickered the day before when he had left his son. He knew the child was a handful, but a whole realm of elves surely could contain his excitement. As his horse entered the gates, he did not see the usual guards that would normally be there. Getting worried he called out to them.
"Hail, I am Estel, son of Elrond. Is there trouble up ahead?"
Three guards stepped out from their hiding places, and Estel's face broke into a smile. One guard stood with only a thin strip of hair left on his head. The other two faired no better, as one had a lovely green head of hair, and the other walked with a limp.
"Welcome, son of Elrond, and, nay, there is no trouble ahead except that of your child. Please remove him from Mirkwood, before some malady befalls him by accident."
Pressing his horse on, Estel did not know what he would encounter. He soon had to wonder no more as he pulled up his horse in the courtyard. Eldarion ran to greet him, a huge smile on his face, but he was followed by several other people, all in stages of disarray.
The cook had one eyebrow; the advisor was trying to remove the chicken glued to his arse; and coming from the door was Legolas dressed in a fluffy pink gown, followed by many elven maidens.
"Legolas, what are you wearing and where is your father?"
"My father is right behind me, and I am wearing this only because your son saw fit to remove all my clothes."
Estel was about to comment when King Thranduil emerged from the door covered in something brown and squishy. As he walked toward him Estel caught the scent. Gagging he stepped back and put out his hand to stop him from coming closer.
"I beg your pardon, but you need not come any further," Estel said.
King Thranduil was livid as he watched Eldarion lifted onto Estel's horse. "Take your son from my kingdom. I have never been so humiliated in all my life. The she elf stalked me for five hours until we sent her off to Lothlorien! My horse is now in my room, filling it with a horrid stench, and I think I have a crick in my neck from where the she elf hung me from the tree after I licked her face! If Elrond and the wizard Mithrandir wanted to rid the world of Sauron, they should have sent your son. No doubt the entire place would have fallen in shambles within a day."
Estel was dumfounded. He had no answers, but Eldarion did.
"I thought you said the Mirkwood elves were tough, Ada. They are not so tough, and I have a question about something King Thranduil said to the she elf. What is special lovings?"
Estel jumped on his horse as Thranduil lunged for his son. "I shall see you soon, mellon nin!" he called over his shoulder. Knowing he would not be able to call upon them to baby sit again, he wondered who would. Lothlorien, he thought. Grandmother cannot resist the innocent smile of a child.