Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail
(well, actually the Chalice of Volfied, but 'Holy Grail' IS the cliche)
The Quest Begins
Sound is defined as a compresional wave; energy trasferred from atom to atom as it travels farther away. As such, the denser the air, the further a sound will travel.
Therefore, the damp, heavy air of the northern moors proved to be the absolute perfect conductor for the odd, carrying noise of...
clip, clip-a-clop, clip, clip-a-clop clip-clip-a-clop, clip-clop clip, clip- a-clop...
"BURST RONDO!" "GAAAH!" Gourry panted in shock as instinct took over, wrenching his body into the human equivalent of a cat's cradle. It worked, if nothing else; what should have been the shot-gun version of Flare Arrow didn't manage to actually hurt anything. "Uh Lina? Are you okaAAAAAAAH!"
Lina turned to glare at her mentally challenged, self-appointed guardian. "Gourry, I hear one more 'clop' out of those god-forsaken coconut shells, and I'm going to teach you how the wrong end of a mono volt feels. Okay?"
The blonde one sweat-dropped as he imagined Lina deliberately aiming for him (he couldn't recall it ever happening before, as most of the damage he suffered occured as a result of being around her, as opposed to her actually injuring him). "Uh...okay..."
The managed to continue on in this fashion for a time, before Gourry's innate and largely unexplainable fascination with the husks of tropical produce over-rode his normal instincts for self-preservation.
clip, clip-a... "MONO VOLT!" "OOOWWWWWWWW!"
About ten minutes later, a slightly calmer Lina and a slightly more singed Gourry arrived at the gates to a city. The sorceress gazed up, puzzled. She wasn't all that well-acquainted with the fortifications used here; it was the first time she'd come across an entire city with the capacity for locking out unwanted guests. "Hello? HELLO!!!"
A head poked out of a window above the gate. "Who goes there?"
She allowed herself to preen somewhat as she spoke. "I am Lina Inverse, Bandit-Killer extraordinaire, slayer of Phibrizzo, inventor of the Giga Slave, and Enemy of All who Live!" She paused.
Somewhat unruffled by the speech, he squinted down at her companion. "Who's the other one?"
Gourry waved back. "I'm Gourry Gabriev, former mercenary, and current chaperone for this girl here. OW!"
Lina glared at him from where she'd smacked him. "Idiot." She looked up. "Anyway, we've been out here for awhile, and were wondering if your village could put us up for the night. We have the money to pay for an inn."
Gourry nodded emphatically. "We've been riding for days now!"
The man frowned comically. "'Wot, you mean on horses?"
"Uh huh!"
"You're using coconuts!"
Lina frowned. "What?"
"You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts that you're banging together!"
"SO?!" Composing herself, she continued. "We've been traveling all over the place; Sairaag, Elmekia, Ralteague, Seyruun - "
"Where'd you get those coconuts?"
Lina forced herself not to try and blast him. "Yogurt-brains there found them somewhere. Now - "
"Found 'em? In Sairaag? But the coconut's tropical!"
"What do you mean?" Gourry called back up.
"Well, this is a temperate zone!"
Lina sighed, shaking her head. "My point exactly; I'm still trying to figure out how he got them. Now can we just come in?"
"Well how'd you find 'em in a temperate zone?"
Lina face-faulted. "PLEASE!?!?!"
"Now look 'ere, you tart; we're not goin' anywhere 'til we find out where you got them bloody things!"
Gourry scratched his head. "You know, the wise woman who lived in my village used to tell us how some animals didn't live in the same place all the time. She said that like swallows, and house martins, and plovers did this thing where they flew one place in summer and another in winter; could that have something to do with it?"
The man above was silent for a few seconds before he finally asked, "are you trying to insinuate that coconuts migrate?"
Gourry's palm impacted his fist. "Migrate! That was the word!" He paused. "Oh, nothing like that, I just thought maybe some kind of bird or something might have carried it over here."
"WHAT?! A swallow, carry a coconut?"
Gourry examined the shell. "Sure! These things are kind of hairy; I'm sure they could have grabbed on just about anywhere."
With an air of supreme patience, the man continued. "It's not a question of where they'd grip it! It's a simple matter of weight ratios; a five ounce bird can NOT carry a one pound coconut."
Lina had been growing steadily and steadily more out of control during this. She was on the verge of snapping. "PLEASE! JUST LET US IN!"
A new head poked itself out of a window further down the wall. "Wolf Pack Island is known for the giant swallows there, one of them could carry one!"
The first man paused in thought. "Oh yeah, one of them could, but not a northern or mainland swallow."
"PLEEEAAAASE!"
"Except, Wolf Pack Island's swallows never migrate." "Oh yeah."
Lina groaned, turning and stumping off in a new direction.
"Wait; supposing TWO swallows were to carry it together?"
Gourry started after Lina, happily clattering his shells together, only to pause as an unhealthy red aura flared around the sorceress. "Lina..."
She turned to glare at him, her eyes blazing with little tongues of flame. "Source of all power, light which burns beyond crimson, gather in my hands and become an inferno..."
The two paused in their argument as abruptly, the forests exploded in a HUGE pillar of blue and white fire. Then they went straight back to their argument. "Where was I?"
"Something about two swallows," the gatekeeper called back helpfully.
"Oh yeah! What if two swallows carried it together?"
The gatekeeper shook his head. "Nah, they'd have to string it on some kind of a line."
"Well, simple! Just string it on a bit of creeper."
"What; carried under the dorsal guiding feathers?"
"Well why not..."
To be continued...
Author's Notes: Just some random silliness I felt like writing. Eventually, I intend to rewrite the entire Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the cast of Slayers, though with a few modifications. As there aren't any horrific plagues in this series, I obviously can't use 'bring out your dead!' Also, I intend to remove The Tale of Sir Xellos from Dragon Slave not Included, and add it here when appropriate. 'Dragon Slave not included' I think will be a collection of just random silliness, as well as non-Holy Grail spoofs, while this will have an actual storyline.
(well, actually the Chalice of Volfied, but 'Holy Grail' IS the cliche)
The Quest Begins
Sound is defined as a compresional wave; energy trasferred from atom to atom as it travels farther away. As such, the denser the air, the further a sound will travel.
Therefore, the damp, heavy air of the northern moors proved to be the absolute perfect conductor for the odd, carrying noise of...
clip, clip-a-clop, clip, clip-a-clop clip-clip-a-clop, clip-clop clip, clip- a-clop...
"BURST RONDO!" "GAAAH!" Gourry panted in shock as instinct took over, wrenching his body into the human equivalent of a cat's cradle. It worked, if nothing else; what should have been the shot-gun version of Flare Arrow didn't manage to actually hurt anything. "Uh Lina? Are you okaAAAAAAAH!"
Lina turned to glare at her mentally challenged, self-appointed guardian. "Gourry, I hear one more 'clop' out of those god-forsaken coconut shells, and I'm going to teach you how the wrong end of a mono volt feels. Okay?"
The blonde one sweat-dropped as he imagined Lina deliberately aiming for him (he couldn't recall it ever happening before, as most of the damage he suffered occured as a result of being around her, as opposed to her actually injuring him). "Uh...okay..."
The managed to continue on in this fashion for a time, before Gourry's innate and largely unexplainable fascination with the husks of tropical produce over-rode his normal instincts for self-preservation.
clip, clip-a... "MONO VOLT!" "OOOWWWWWWWW!"
About ten minutes later, a slightly calmer Lina and a slightly more singed Gourry arrived at the gates to a city. The sorceress gazed up, puzzled. She wasn't all that well-acquainted with the fortifications used here; it was the first time she'd come across an entire city with the capacity for locking out unwanted guests. "Hello? HELLO!!!"
A head poked out of a window above the gate. "Who goes there?"
She allowed herself to preen somewhat as she spoke. "I am Lina Inverse, Bandit-Killer extraordinaire, slayer of Phibrizzo, inventor of the Giga Slave, and Enemy of All who Live!" She paused.
Somewhat unruffled by the speech, he squinted down at her companion. "Who's the other one?"
Gourry waved back. "I'm Gourry Gabriev, former mercenary, and current chaperone for this girl here. OW!"
Lina glared at him from where she'd smacked him. "Idiot." She looked up. "Anyway, we've been out here for awhile, and were wondering if your village could put us up for the night. We have the money to pay for an inn."
Gourry nodded emphatically. "We've been riding for days now!"
The man frowned comically. "'Wot, you mean on horses?"
"Uh huh!"
"You're using coconuts!"
Lina frowned. "What?"
"You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts that you're banging together!"
"SO?!" Composing herself, she continued. "We've been traveling all over the place; Sairaag, Elmekia, Ralteague, Seyruun - "
"Where'd you get those coconuts?"
Lina forced herself not to try and blast him. "Yogurt-brains there found them somewhere. Now - "
"Found 'em? In Sairaag? But the coconut's tropical!"
"What do you mean?" Gourry called back up.
"Well, this is a temperate zone!"
Lina sighed, shaking her head. "My point exactly; I'm still trying to figure out how he got them. Now can we just come in?"
"Well how'd you find 'em in a temperate zone?"
Lina face-faulted. "PLEASE!?!?!"
"Now look 'ere, you tart; we're not goin' anywhere 'til we find out where you got them bloody things!"
Gourry scratched his head. "You know, the wise woman who lived in my village used to tell us how some animals didn't live in the same place all the time. She said that like swallows, and house martins, and plovers did this thing where they flew one place in summer and another in winter; could that have something to do with it?"
The man above was silent for a few seconds before he finally asked, "are you trying to insinuate that coconuts migrate?"
Gourry's palm impacted his fist. "Migrate! That was the word!" He paused. "Oh, nothing like that, I just thought maybe some kind of bird or something might have carried it over here."
"WHAT?! A swallow, carry a coconut?"
Gourry examined the shell. "Sure! These things are kind of hairy; I'm sure they could have grabbed on just about anywhere."
With an air of supreme patience, the man continued. "It's not a question of where they'd grip it! It's a simple matter of weight ratios; a five ounce bird can NOT carry a one pound coconut."
Lina had been growing steadily and steadily more out of control during this. She was on the verge of snapping. "PLEASE! JUST LET US IN!"
A new head poked itself out of a window further down the wall. "Wolf Pack Island is known for the giant swallows there, one of them could carry one!"
The first man paused in thought. "Oh yeah, one of them could, but not a northern or mainland swallow."
"PLEEEAAAASE!"
"Except, Wolf Pack Island's swallows never migrate." "Oh yeah."
Lina groaned, turning and stumping off in a new direction.
"Wait; supposing TWO swallows were to carry it together?"
Gourry started after Lina, happily clattering his shells together, only to pause as an unhealthy red aura flared around the sorceress. "Lina..."
She turned to glare at him, her eyes blazing with little tongues of flame. "Source of all power, light which burns beyond crimson, gather in my hands and become an inferno..."
The two paused in their argument as abruptly, the forests exploded in a HUGE pillar of blue and white fire. Then they went straight back to their argument. "Where was I?"
"Something about two swallows," the gatekeeper called back helpfully.
"Oh yeah! What if two swallows carried it together?"
The gatekeeper shook his head. "Nah, they'd have to string it on some kind of a line."
"Well, simple! Just string it on a bit of creeper."
"What; carried under the dorsal guiding feathers?"
"Well why not..."
To be continued...
Author's Notes: Just some random silliness I felt like writing. Eventually, I intend to rewrite the entire Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the cast of Slayers, though with a few modifications. As there aren't any horrific plagues in this series, I obviously can't use 'bring out your dead!' Also, I intend to remove The Tale of Sir Xellos from Dragon Slave not Included, and add it here when appropriate. 'Dragon Slave not included' I think will be a collection of just random silliness, as well as non-Holy Grail spoofs, while this will have an actual storyline.