Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail (etc., etc)
The Tale of Political Dogma
(or Amelia finds out about confusing political double talk)
Zelgadis frowned as he rode along. "Are you sure that you want me to come along with you like this?"
Amelia beamed at the chimera. "Certainly! It's extremely important that you become acquainted with the people better, Mr. Zelgadis."
"Why?"
Amelia abruptly turned flustered. "Uh...uh...oh look, some of the people!"
Zelgadis sighed, rolling his eyes as she and some of her entourage urged their horses into a canter towards the hunched-over figure dragging along some kind of rickshaw. He'd been looking for a cure with less than his regular enthusiasm (after so many failures, you kind of lose interest. Besides, having speed roughly four times greater than human's and near- invulnerability to anything short of a high-level black magic atack was kind of nice) when Amelia suggested he accompany her on this tour to check the problems of her Kingdom. Now this.
"Excuse me, Miss?"
"MAN!" the figure barked.
Amelia winced at her gaff. "Man; sorry. Um, could you tell me who lives in that castle we're heading towards?"
"I'm thirty-seven."
Amelia nodded sagely before the exact nature of his answer penetrated. "What?"
"I'm thirty-seven, I'm not old."
Zelgadis frowned. "When did we mention your age, Mr.?"
"And why all this Mr. and Man? You could call me Dennis."
"We didn't know you were called Dennis," Amelia pointed out.
"Well you didn't bother to ask, now did you?" Dennis grumbled.
Zelgadis sighed. "Come on, we've apologized for the 'miss' remark, it's just that between the robes and the shawl, you kind of look like...well..."
Dennis let the bars drop to the ground, having found his destination. "What I object to is your automatically assuming that I'm your inferior."
Zelgadis blink-blinked.
"Show some respect!" barked one of the men. "She is Princess Amelia of Seyruun!"
If anything, this seemed to make him even more contemptuous. "Oh, 'Princess,' good for you. And how'd you get to be princess, anyway?"
"Um..."
Ignoring the attempt at answer, he plowed forward. "By exploiting the masses! By clinging to out-dated imperialistic dogma, which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society." He shook his head in a mixture of disgust and weariness. "If there's ever to be any progress in our society - "
"Oh, here's a lovely bit of filth!" The woman (this time it really WAS one) paused at the sight. "Oh! How'dja do?"
Zelgadis bowed slightly towards her; at least she was polite. "How do you do miss? My name is Zelgadis, and this is Amelia, princess of Seyruun. Could you tell us who lives in that castle?"
"Princess of who?"
Zelgadis wanted to groan, but stifled the urge. "Princess of Seyruun."
She turned back to her work, digging some kind of sticky black gunk out of the ground. "Who the bleedin' hey are Seyruun?"
Zelgadis winced. Amelia answered for him. "Seyruun's not a who, it's a place. The grandest and most beautiful city of white magic in the entire world, and I am its princess, and yours!"
"When Lina's not blowing it up," muttered Zelgadis.
Miles away in a forest, Lina sneezed, but that's not terribly important at the moment. More an amusing anecdote.
She shook her head. "I didn't know we 'ad a princess; I thought we were living in an autonomous collective."
Dennis snorted as he returned to digging up fermented dung. "You're fooling yourself. We live in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working class - "
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, there you go, bringing CLASS into it again."
"Well that's what it's all about, classes, ain't it! Didn't Marx - " "Please," Zelgadis interrupted, "could you please just tell us who lives in that castle so we can let you get back to your debate?"
The woman turned to regard the building then turned back in confusion. "Nobody lives there."
Amelia sweat-dropped. "Nobody? But...then who rules you? Who is your lord and master?"
"We don't have one."
"Don't have one?!" barked the Dolt.
Dennis turned to the soldier as though he were trying to teach a somewhat thick-headed child. "I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicous commune. We take it in turns, to act as sort of an executive officer for the week - "
"Yes, yes."
" - But all decisions of that officer must be ratified at a special bi- weekly meeting - "
"Uh-huh, you don't say?"
" - by a simple majority in terms of a purely internal affair - "
"Be quiet!"
" - but by a two-thirds majority in - " "BE QUIET! IN THE NAME OF PHILIONEL, I ORDER YOU TO BE QUIET!"
The woman scoffed at him. "'Order' he says. Who's he think he is?"
"I SPEAK IN THE NAME OF THE ROYAL FAMILY! IN THE NAMES OF PHILIONEL AND PRINCESS AMELIA!" Again, the Dolt.
"Well I didn't vote for any princesses."
"You don't vote for princesses," Zelgadis put in tiredly, wondering how long this meeting would actually last.
"Well then 'ow'd you get to be the princess then?"
Zelgadis blink-blinked in surprise as abruptly some kind of pillar of white and gold light surrounded Amelia.
"The great lord Cephied, holy dragon of the divine white light, stretched forth his hands and laid them upon the founders of Seyruun, and said 'bless this city and make it thine, for thy descendants shall be ever the defenders of justice and love in this world.' And since that glorious day, ever have the descendants been chosen as the leaders of this land." The pillar of light faded away. "That's why I'm princess!"
Dennis stared at her incredulously. "Listen lass, reptillian entities of another world pokin' at your family tree is no way to establish a system of government! Supreme Executive Power is derived through a mandate from the Masses, not some farcical amphibious double-talk!"
"How DARE you!" the idiot who'd mentioned her royalty in the first place screeched.
"I mean, you can't expect to wield Supreme Executive Power, just because some scaly behemoth went and laid his talons on your forefathers."
"SHUT UP!" (guess who.)
"I mean, if I went around proclaiming I was the Emperor, just because some bloody over-grown Gila Monster came along and gave me a massage, they'd lock me up for the mind-healers!"
Finally having lost what tenuous grip he had left on his temper and self- control, the Dolt marched forward to start man-handling him. "SHUT UP! I ORDER YOU TO SHUT UP!"
He wasn't doing much; just shaking the guy around a bit. Still, Dennis shouldn't have looked quite so ecstatic. "Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system." His voice rose. "COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP! I'm being repressed!"
Deciding that he'd been taught a sufficient lesson, The Dolt shoved Dennis to the side, a "bloody peasant!" his parting shot.
Dennis's smile widened even further. "Oh, did you hear that? Did you see that, did you see him repressing me? That's what I'm going on about..."
Zelgadis turned comfortingly to Amelia. "Don't let it get to you; as near as I can tell, the rest of the village is convinced he's a pissed off malcontent, and doesn't take him seriously. No need to..."
"No, Mr. Zelgadis! Dennis has opened my eyes to the evils of the monarchy!" She pumped a fist in the air. "From this day forward, the people will have the privelege of VOTING for which heir ascends the throne!"
Zelgadis sweat-dropped. "Um, aren't YOU the only heir to Seyruun right now?""Yeah, so?"
Zelgadis frowned. "Well, then what's the point? Who ELSE can they vote for; you'll be elcted anyway."
"A symbolic gesture, Mr. Zelgadis! Of the royalty's love of peace and struggle against repression!"
Zelgadis muttered under his breath. It was going to be a LONG journey.
Annoying Narrator Voice: Longer than even the far-seeing Chimera could predict. For much was afoot that needed a great deal of athlete's foot remover. Er, much needed to be fixed. Yes, that's better.
To be continued...
Author's Notes: Somehow, I expected it harder to come up with some kind of ceremony to make fun of in a Slayers Universe. Go figure.
Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail (etc.
The Tale of Political Dogma
(or Amelia finds out about confusing political double talk)
Zelgadis frowned as he rode along. "Are you sure that you want me to come along with you like this?"
Amelia beamed at the chimera. "Certainly! It's extremely important that you become acquainted with the people better, Mr. Zelgadis."
"Why?"
Amelia abruptly turned flustered. "Uh...uh...oh look, some of the people!"
Zelgadis sighed, rolling his eyes as she and some of her entourage urged their horses into a canter towards the hunched-over figure dragging along some kind of rickshaw. He'd been looking for a cure with less than his regular enthusiasm (after so many failures, you kind of lose interest. Besides, having speed roughly four times greater than human's and near- invulnerability to anything short of a high-level black magic atack was kind of nice) when Amelia suggested he accompany her on this tour to check the problems of her Kingdom. Now this.
"Excuse me, Miss?"
"MAN!" the figure barked.
Amelia winced at her gaff. "Man; sorry. Um, could you tell me who lives in that castle we're heading towards?"
"I'm thirty-seven."
Amelia nodded sagely before the exact nature of his answer penetrated. "What?"
"I'm thirty-seven, I'm not old."
Zelgadis frowned. "When did we mention your age, Mr.?"
"And why all this Mr. and Man? You could call me Dennis."
"We didn't know you were called Dennis," Amelia pointed out.
"Well you didn't bother to ask, now did you?" Dennis grumbled.
Zelgadis sighed. "Come on, we've apologized for the 'miss' remark, it's just that between the robes and the shawl, you kind of look like...well..."
Dennis let the bars drop to the ground, having found his destination. "What I object to is your automatically assuming that I'm your inferior."
Zelgadis blink-blinked.
"Show some respect!" barked one of the men. "She is Princess Amelia of Seyruun!"
If anything, this seemed to make him even more contemptuous. "Oh, 'Princess,' good for you. And how'd you get to be princess, anyway?"
"Um..."
Ignoring the attempt at answer, he plowed forward. "By exploiting the masses! By clinging to out-dated imperialistic dogma, which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society." He shook his head in a mixture of disgust and weariness. "If there's ever to be any progress in our society - "
"Oh, here's a lovely bit of filth!" The woman (this time it really WAS one) paused at the sight. "Oh! How'dja do?"
Zelgadis bowed slightly towards her; at least she was polite. "How do you do miss? My name is Zelgadis, and this is Amelia, princess of Seyruun. Could you tell us who lives in that castle?"
"Princess of who?"
Zelgadis wanted to groan, but stifled the urge. "Princess of Seyruun."
She turned back to her work, digging some kind of sticky black gunk out of the ground. "Who the bleedin' hey are Seyruun?"
Zelgadis winced. Amelia answered for him. "Seyruun's not a who, it's a place. The grandest and most beautiful city of white magic in the entire world, and I am its princess, and yours!"
"When Lina's not blowing it up," muttered Zelgadis.
Miles away in a forest, Lina sneezed, but that's not terribly important at the moment. More an amusing anecdote.
She shook her head. "I didn't know we 'ad a princess; I thought we were living in an autonomous collective."
Dennis snorted as he returned to digging up fermented dung. "You're fooling yourself. We live in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working class - "
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, there you go, bringing CLASS into it again."
"Well that's what it's all about, classes, ain't it! Didn't Marx - " "Please," Zelgadis interrupted, "could you please just tell us who lives in that castle so we can let you get back to your debate?"
The woman turned to regard the building then turned back in confusion. "Nobody lives there."
Amelia sweat-dropped. "Nobody? But...then who rules you? Who is your lord and master?"
"We don't have one."
"Don't have one?!" barked the Dolt.
Dennis turned to the soldier as though he were trying to teach a somewhat thick-headed child. "I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicous commune. We take it in turns, to act as sort of an executive officer for the week - "
"Yes, yes."
" - But all decisions of that officer must be ratified at a special bi- weekly meeting - "
"Uh-huh, you don't say?"
" - by a simple majority in terms of a purely internal affair - "
"Be quiet!"
" - but by a two-thirds majority in - " "BE QUIET! IN THE NAME OF PHILIONEL, I ORDER YOU TO BE QUIET!"
The woman scoffed at him. "'Order' he says. Who's he think he is?"
"I SPEAK IN THE NAME OF THE ROYAL FAMILY! IN THE NAMES OF PHILIONEL AND PRINCESS AMELIA!" Again, the Dolt.
"Well I didn't vote for any princesses."
"You don't vote for princesses," Zelgadis put in tiredly, wondering how long this meeting would actually last.
"Well then 'ow'd you get to be the princess then?"
Zelgadis blink-blinked in surprise as abruptly some kind of pillar of white and gold light surrounded Amelia.
"The great lord Cephied, holy dragon of the divine white light, stretched forth his hands and laid them upon the founders of Seyruun, and said 'bless this city and make it thine, for thy descendants shall be ever the defenders of justice and love in this world.' And since that glorious day, ever have the descendants been chosen as the leaders of this land." The pillar of light faded away. "That's why I'm princess!"
Dennis stared at her incredulously. "Listen lass, reptillian entities of another world pokin' at your family tree is no way to establish a system of government! Supreme Executive Power is derived through a mandate from the Masses, not some farcical amphibious double-talk!"
"How DARE you!" the idiot who'd mentioned her royalty in the first place screeched.
"I mean, you can't expect to wield Supreme Executive Power, just because some scaly behemoth went and laid his talons on your forefathers."
"SHUT UP!" (guess who.)
"I mean, if I went around proclaiming I was the Emperor, just because some bloody over-grown Gila Monster came along and gave me a massage, they'd lock me up for the mind-healers!"
Finally having lost what tenuous grip he had left on his temper and self- control, the Dolt marched forward to start man-handling him. "SHUT UP! I ORDER YOU TO SHUT UP!"
He wasn't doing much; just shaking the guy around a bit. Still, Dennis shouldn't have looked quite so ecstatic. "Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system." His voice rose. "COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP! I'm being repressed!"
Deciding that he'd been taught a sufficient lesson, The Dolt shoved Dennis to the side, a "bloody peasant!" his parting shot.
Dennis's smile widened even further. "Oh, did you hear that? Did you see that, did you see him repressing me? That's what I'm going on about..."
Zelgadis turned comfortingly to Amelia. "Don't let it get to you; as near as I can tell, the rest of the village is convinced he's a pissed off malcontent, and doesn't take him seriously. No need to..."
"No, Mr. Zelgadis! Dennis has opened my eyes to the evils of the monarchy!" She pumped a fist in the air. "From this day forward, the people will have the privelege of VOTING for which heir ascends the throne!"
Zelgadis sweat-dropped. "Um, aren't YOU the only heir to Seyruun right now?""Yeah, so?"
Zelgadis frowned. "Well, then what's the point? Who ELSE can they vote for; you'll be elcted anyway."
"A symbolic gesture, Mr. Zelgadis! Of the royalty's love of peace and struggle against repression!"
Zelgadis muttered under his breath. It was going to be a LONG journey.
Annoying Narrator Voice: Longer than even the far-seeing Chimera could predict. For much was afoot that needed a great deal of athlete's foot remover. Er, much needed to be fixed. Yes, that's better.
To be continued...
Author's Notes: Somehow, I expected it harder to come up with some kind of ceremony to make fun of in a Slayers Universe. Go figure.
Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail (etc.