TITLE: Not Her
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Post DEATH WATCH. Minimal spoilers for TIGER, TIGER and STALKER.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, I'm not making money off this, yadda, yadda, yadda.
SUMMERY: Harm finally gets his head out of his six.
NOTES: This fic is a 1/1 that could turn into more if you guys want it. There was just something about the way Harm was looking at Mac after the kiss that made this pop into my head. It's not my best work, but my muse was kicking me in the shin over and over until I finished this, and, with all my bruises, I figured someone should read this.
Please let me know what you think.
M
"Would you have killed him?" Mac asked. She had to know. She had to hear him say the words. Even if it was a lie, she had to hear him tell her that he never would have done it.
"We'll never know," Harm said softly. He, too, was slightly distracted by the illusion of Diane in front of him. In the back of his mind he knew that it wasn't Diane standing in front of him in crisp summer whites, but Mac wearing an ensign's uniform.
He couldn't stop himself when he started leaning in. One last kiss, he said to himself. Just to say goodbye. Just to help me move on with my life.
Mac leaned in as well, partially because she knew Harm needed it, and partially because she wanted to know what it would feel like to have his lips caressing hers; even if he thought that her lips were that of her doppelganger.
Their lips met and a tender kiss goodbye became more very quickly. It wasn't like kissing Diane had been. Diane was always shy, playful and teasing. Mac was passionate, giving all she could into the brief kiss.
When they broke, despite the Navy uniform, Harm couldn't see anything other than Mac.
"I know," Mac said softly, hoping that her disappointment wasn't coming across in her voice. "You were kissing her," she said, reassuring Harm that she wouldn't take the past minute the wrong way.
Harm was about to contradict her when Bud and several corpsmen from the ship came racing toward them, trying to save the bastard who had killed Diane and, legally, gotten away with it. The ship, however, hadn't been blind to his sins and had tried and had executed the guilty party quickly and efficiently.
"Can you give me a ride home?" Mac asked as they left the edge of the dock. She didn't want to see the mangled body coming out of the water and she knew that Harm shouldn't have to watch it, either. Harm nodded and they headed across the paved dock toward his Corvette.
The long drive back to DC was silent.
There was too much to say and nowhere to start.
The Washington came into view and Harm pulled up in front of the gate to minimize the distance Mac would have to go to get to her door. It was still pouring in DC and he had already left her in the downpour once that night.
Mac unbuckled her seatbelt and shifted to face Harm. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly.
"Not right now," Harm replied without looking away from the rain that was pelting down on the windshield.
"Okay," Mac said. She had expected that, but had needed to ask anyway. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bright and early," Harm replied with a nod.
Mac put her hand on Harm's shoulder. "I'll keep the phone with me, in case you decide you need to talk," she said gently.
Harm turned and smiled a sad little smile at her. "Thanks, Mac, but there's so much I need to work through in my own head before I can even think about talking this all out."
"I'll still keep the phone close by, just in case," Mac said. She gave his arm a squeeze and then headed out into the rain again. Harm waited until she was safely inside before he pulled away from the curb and started driving around, knowing that if he went home he would end up either going through Diane's letters again or falling asleep and not waking up in time for work. Neither was a very good option at that moment, so Harm chose to stay mobile.
Two hours later the rain had let up and, after filling his tank with gas, Harm drove back to Georgetown and parked out in front of The Washington. He could see that the light in Mac's living room was on, though, knowing her, that didn't necessarily mean that she was still awake.
But whether she was awake or not was immaterial.
She had said she would be there if he wanted to talk.
And he wanted to talk.
Mac answered the door wrapped in a duvet and holding a crumpled tissue to her raw, red nose. "Harb?" she asked, all stuffed up.
"Shit, Mac, did this happen because of tonight?" Harm asked, moving inside to keep the cold night air away from his ailing partner.
"I dwas gettin sick alweady. Du rain jus maded worse," Mac said, sounding terrible.
"I'm so sorry, Mac," Harm said as he led Mac over to the couch where it was clear she had been resting before he knocked on her door.
"It's dot your fault," Mac said firmly. Her insistence was somewhat undermined by her inability to articulate. "What's up?" she asked after blowing her nose.
Harm shook his head and headed for the kitchen. "I'm going to make you some tea and you're going to get some sleep. Your health is more important."
Mac threw off her blanket and went after Harm. "Damn it, Harm, for the past two years I've been living in the shadow of a woman I didn't even know existed until a few hours ago and I could have lost you tonight because if you had killed Holbarth tonight you would not be the same person anymore and I asked you to come to me if you needed to talk and you've come and now you're chickening out because I have a little head cold?" Mac yelled, her words coming out clearly in her anger.
It seemed even the cold bug was afraid of the Marine's wrath.
She took a deep breath and then continued, much more calmly this time. "If you want tea, make some, then we're going to talk, alright?"
"Alright," Harm said softly.
They went back to the living room and Harm made sure that Mac was properly wrapped up in her duvet before he sat down on the couch with her. Mac didn't push, knowing that it would just make it harder for Harm to open up with her. She just sat there, waiting for him to speak.
"I didn't lie to you, Mac. I really don't know what I would have done tonight if you hadn't shown up," Harm started. He was looking right at her, his eyes piercing right to her soul. Mac knew he was seeing her, and not Diane, not even Diane's ghost, maybe for the first time ever.
"I know I was angry enough, hurt enough, to pull the trigger. Holbarth killed Diane in cold blood because she was going to hurt his career. Diane was the first person other that mom and Gran that I trusted enough to share anything with. She never took any of my crap and could give as good as she got. We had this… on again off again relationship through the Academy… but we always stayed friends even during the 'off again' times. She was always there for me… and when I unzipped that body bag two years ago… I realized that I would never get the chance to be there for her in return."
"I'm sure you were there for her, even if you didn't know it, Harm," Mac said gently.
Harm sighed deeply. "I hope so."
"Hey," Mac said, gently prodding Harm's shoulder, "I know first hand that you're always there for the people you care about. It took me years to admit to Uncle Matt that drinking was a mistake. You got me to realize that I wasn't just hurting myself in about two seconds flat. When you told me I was a mean drunk… I don't think I ever really thought about what I said to the people I love when I drink. Part of that might be because it's hard to think when your pink elephants are seeing pink elephants, but I can't just blame that on the alcohol. I don't know if you meant to snap me out of my self-destructive patterns with that comment or not, but you did. I haven't even felt the desire for a drink since then. That's something I haven't been able to say since I was about fourteen."
Mac leaned over and wrapped her arms around Harm's shoulders. "I didn't even get the chance to thank you for that. With everything with Coster… well, thank you, Harm."
"You're welcome," Harm said softly, returning her embrace.
They held each other for a few minutes before he pulled back and looked at her carefully, deciding that maybe it was the right time after all.
"Mac, there's something I did lie to you about tonight," Harm said.
"Besides having a letter in your apartment to show me?" Mac asked with a frown. Harm looked down at his hands, contrite. Mac reached out with icy fingers and tilted his chin up, forcing him to look her in the eyes. "Hey, none of that. It's okay, really. I understand why you took off like you did. I would have appreciated it if you would have let me get my umbrella from your apartment first, but I still understand why you took off. I probably would have done the same thing in your situation." Harm smiled softly, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "You said you lied to me about something tonight," Mac prodded gently before grabbing a tissue to blow her nose again. She was thankful that she didn't sound like a moron anymore, but she still wished the cold would go away.
Harm took her small hands in his, holding them tightly, warming her as well as himself.
"On the dock… when I kissed you… I was kissing you, Mac. Not Diane," Harm said. "At first… maybe it was my way of saying goodbye to her. I know it was stupid and wrong and that I was using you, and for that I'm sorry. But the moment I felt your lips on mine… Diane was gone and all I could think about was the fact that I was kissing you and that there wasn't enough time for me to make that clear to you because Bud would be back any second with the corpsman.
"When I first asked you about Dalton and you teased me about being jealous… I was. I passed it off as feeling like I was going to lose the best partner I've ever had, but even after you quit I still felt jealous of him. I hated that he had seduced you with wealth and prestige, but I could accept not working with you if you really did want to work in the private sector," Harm continued. "But the thought of him kissing you, touching you, getting to hold your hand at the movies, getting to see you first thing in the morning before you've had your vat of coffee and put on your mask that hides you from the rest of the world… it killed me."
Mac took a minute to process what he said before she spoke. "But… Annie?"
"Was unfinished business. Luke and I fought over her and he won. Even when I was with her… it felt wrong. I felt like the other man, like I had to make sure I was out of there before her husband got home," Harm said. "It never would have worked, even if I hadn't taken Josh on that Tiger Cruise and, in her words, turned Josh against her. It was only a matter of time before one of us realized that she was trying to replace Luke with his best friend and I was clinging to a decade-old crush."
"What about that Lieutenant in San Diego?" Mac asked.
Harm had to search his memory for that one. The it hit him. The bar, playing pool with a woman who was obviously a hustler, betting his boots and her bra for a couple of pairs of pants, bragging to Mac about beating the pants off a couple of Marines, jumping from the car before Mac could kill the New Yorker with the stereotypically big mouth.
"Not even a blip on the radar," Harm replied.
Mac sat there in stunned silence for a minute before she could even speak again.
"How… why?" Mac asked weakly.
"Why what?" Harm asked as he lovingly caressed her arms through the thin material of the long-sleeved tee shirt she was wearing.
"Why me?" Mac asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.
Harm's hands moved up to her face, cupping her cheeks tenderly. "You are a beautiful, smart, sexy, strong, and successful woman who can give as good as you get and who hadn't run scared after being in my work for almost two years. The moment I met you… okay, the moment I met you I thought you were a ghost or someone's sick idea of a joke. But the moment I took your hand… it was like I knew every different between you and Diane, down to the last molecule. You challenge me constantly, keep me on my toes even when you're comforting me. You've believed in me even when I've given you every reason not to. I respect you for all you've accomplished in your life. I trust you unconditionally. And I'm finally ready to admit that I love you with all my heart, Sarah."
Without hesitation Mac wrapped her arms around Harm's neck and hugged him fiercely. She rested her ear on her arm and nuzzled her nose against Harm's ear. "I love you so much, Harm. I thought you would never feel the same way about me… I never let myself hope…"
"Shh, it's okay, sweetheart," Harm said soothingly, his hands, calloused from flying and working with his hands on projects like his apartment and Sarah, moved over her back in soft circles meant to calm and reassure.
"This is going to change things," she said sadly. "Work, especially."
Harm nodded. There was no denying that; no reason to even try. "One of us is going to have to leave JAG," he said regretfully.
"Me," Mac said immediately.
Her insistence shocked Harm. "You sound like you're eager to get out."
Mac shook her head. "Not eager. Just logical. You're practically ready to replace the Admiral when he retires. I've got too many black marks on my record—not to mention the facts that no Marine has ever been named JAG and that a woman has a snowball's chance of getting that chair."
"You could make it, Mac."
"Maybe. But honestly… I don't really want that. And I honestly don't see myself as the JAG. I love the work, but I can't stand the politics of the position," Mac said tiredly. She was finally starting to fall asleep. "You're good at that stuff. I have no patience for it. Smoke filled rooms and deals over drinks are not what I want my future to be made up of."
"If you were to leave, where would you go? You're not thinking civilian law again, are you?" Harm asked.
"Not civilian. I want to stay in the Corps. I'll have to look into it, though."
"You know," Harm said thoughtfully, "the Admiral might be able to pull some strings… neither one of us would have to leave if he works his magic for us."
Mac was already asleep and didn't hear a word he said.
As carefully as possible Harm lifted both Mac and the duvet and, after silently thanking Mac for never rearranging her furniture, he took her to her bedroom and lay her down on the bed. When he tried to slip out of her embrace, however, she only tightened her grip.
"Don't go," Mac pleaded. Her eyes fluttered open and met Harm's in the moonlit bedroom. "Stay. Please… hold me."
Harm didn't have to be asked twice. "Okay. I'll just go lock up, okay?"
Mac nodded and let him go reluctantly. Harm went out and locked up the apartment and turned off the lights before going back into the bedroom. He toed off his shoes and slid into the bed fully clothed, not wanting to jump to any conclusions. Mac grabbed his arm and pulled it over her body as she snuggled back against him. Harm smiled as Mac wiggled her tiny body into position against his.
Their bodies fit together perfectly, and it felt so right to have her in his arms, her small body curved against his.
It took every ounce of restraint he had to refrain from getting aroused by the feeling of her tight six pressed against his crotch.
"Love you," Mac said sleepily as she stopped fighting sleep.
"I love you, too, sweetheart," Harm whispered as he rested his forehead against the back of Mac's head.
They were both asleep within minutes, and, for the first time that either one of them could remember, they both slept peacefully until the alarm went off in the morning.