Chapter 18: Confessions

Mara sat alone in her room, trying to make sense of her thoughts. After the first time she had seen the vision of Luke killing the dark man with the yellow eyes, she had hoped she could push it back like her other memories. It didn't tell her what she needed to know, but for some reason this memory kept returning to her. For the first few days, it had returned to her in her dreams, but now it was invading her waking thoughts. Each time she heard the command to kill Luke ring through her head, the temptation grew greater.

Thankfully, Luke's presence was enough to push back the demons in her mind, but Mara didn't know how long that would last. Each time the vision returned, it took more time around Luke for it to fade away. Her nightmares were gaining strength and Mara didn't know if she would be able to keep them back. If she couldn't push back the command to kill him, Mara would no longer be safe around Luke. Perhaps, it was finally time for her to leave Luke even if the idea pained her.

Mara reluctantly lifted her head up at the sound of the door to her cabin opening. She did her best to greet Luke with a smile, but Mara's difficulty finding happiness in seeing Luke knowing she may have to him soon was evident on her face. Seeing Luke's grin fade into a worried line caused Mara to begin to berate herself. She knew Luke would be coming by as he always did to continue teaching her about the Force, but she had allowed her mind to stray anyway. Mara knew that if Luke suspected something was wrong with her, he would be even more watchful and supportive of her and that was the last thing she needed if she was going to prepare to leave. Knowing he cared so much would only make the pain worse.

Before Mara could attempt to direct his thoughts in another direction, Luke decided to get to the point. He had noticed a strong distress from Mara ever since they had returned to the fleet, but she hadn't shown it whenever they had been together. The struggling he felt from her at night, however, had been enough to keep him up and he intended to get to the bottom of it. And now, an opportunity to confront Mara had been presented to him and he was going to use it.

Luke sat down next to Mara on the bed and placed a hand on her leg. When she ignored his gesture, Luke leaned down to meet Mara eye to eye. He had seen the same worried look in her eyes on their last night before joining the fleet. Luke never did find out what had been bothering Mara then, but he was pretty sure that her current state was due to the same cause. "What's wrong?"

Mara started slightly at the sound of Luke's voice. She knew he had come in and sat down next to her, but she had been too preoccupied to notice just how close he was. Mara had been so wrapped up in the conflict within her mind that she just now noticed the hand on her leg. Brushing the hand away, Mara turned away from Luke, not wanting to meet his worried eyes. "Nothing."

Luke brushed a hand through his hair and let out an audible sigh. Mara knew by now that she could trust him, but she insisted on keeping everything inside. All Luke wanted to do was help, but he couldn't do that if she refused to tell him what the problem was. "What are you thinking about?"

Mara glanced to her side slightly to get a look at Luke, but didn't allow his worried eyes to meet her own. If she looked him eye to eye, she would never be able to keep up her facade. Mara had to be strong for both their sakes. She would not be vulnerable…or at least not show more vulnerability than she already had. "Nothing important."

"If it's bothering you this much, it is important." Mara snapped her head around in reflex, ready to tell Luke off for not listening to her, but stopped short. When Mara's eyes met Luke's, her anger faded away. Luke had done nothing to deserve her snapping at him. He was simply trying to help her and she kept pushing him away.

Mara's head drooped slightly in a combination of sadness and defeat. She knew she wouldn't be able to get trough this without telling Luke anything. Mara could only hope Luke would continue to be as understanding as he had been when she told him what she saw. "It's the nightmares again."

Luke nodded slowly, thankful that Mara was opening up, but not looking forward to where he expected this conversation to lead. "I know. I've felt your struggles through the Force."

Mara turned away from Luke, embarrassed that she had been broadcasting enough that Luke knew she was having troubles. Luke had enough to deal with without her dreams keeping him up at night. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I was hoping you would come to me about this, though." Luke saw Mara stiffen at his comment, but she still didn't turn around. Whatever she had seen, it was worse than the initial dreams. "What have you been seeing?"

Mara kept her eyes fixed on the plain white wall of her cabin, not wanting to see Luke's reaction to what she had to say. The pieces were coming together, but she didn't like the way the puzzle was turning out. "I think the dark men I saw early on were Darth Vader and the Emperor. I've seen them clearly lately and they look just like the news holos. I kept calling the Emperor Master. He sent me to kill all those people and I didn't even question it."

Luke sat silently for a moment, considering what Mara had just said. She was reaching the same conclusions as he had. All he could do now was help her through her realizations. "The Emperor was a master of manipulation. He had a way of making people see things his way. You can't blame yourself for anything he made you do."

Mara snapped her head around, causing a stray tear to fly off her face. "What if he didn't make me do those things! What if that's who I really am!"

"Even without your memories, your true nature would show through. You aren't an evil person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

The bitter expression on Mara's face faded at hearing Luke's words. But she didn't know if he would still mean it when he heard what else she had to say. "From what I can remember, I only failed to get my target once."

Luke knew he would regret his question, but he had to know. Luke had to find out if he was right about why Mara had been in Jabba's palace. "Who?"

Mara didn't respond right away, instead turning her head down to face the bed. How could she tell him the truth? Mara wanted to lie, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't lie to Luke. Mara had to face down her past. Even if she never saw Luke again, she would have done the right thing. "You."

Mara was surprised when Luke didn't leave the room or at least show some display of anger towards her. How could he just sit there and listen to her say she had tried to kill him without any reaction? Luke looked just as worried about her as he had before she had told him. Did he even hear her? "I tried to kill you twice. The first time was on Tatooine at the gangster's palace and the second was on Naboo right before I lost my memory. Even now, I keep hearing the Emperor's voice telling me to kill you. The scary part is that some part of me wants to carry out that command."

"But you haven't." Mara simply shook her head in response, not wanting to face Luke. Why wasn't he angry with her? She deserved it. Mara had tried to kill this man twice, but he still refused to show her anything but kindness. "And you won't. We'll find a way to beat this."

Mara's head jerked up at Luke's statement. He still wanted to help her after everything she said. Mara had underestimated just what Luke was capable of. "How can you be sure? I don't even know if I can stop myself."

Luke pulled Mara to him as she finally let go and let the tears flow freely from her eyes. He didn't know how, but Mara would get beyond this. Luke was sure of it. He would save another soul from the Emperor's grasp even if it killed him. "I have faith in you. You're stronger than the memory of the Emperor."