Alphabet Soup

Epilogue

Finals are this week, so of course I'm not studying right now. The Procrastination Queen, that's me! This epilogue is rather on the . . . lengthy side. Just think of it as a parting gift! Standard disclaimers apply. Like I own Gundam Wing. Yeah, right.

A.C. 209, March 14th, 7:03 P.M.

The phone rang.

"Duo, honey, can you get that?" Hilde called from the other room.

Duo groaned and rolled over on the couch. "Why can't you do it?"

The phone rang again.

"I'm feeding the baby, you knucklehead!"

The braided man sat up, yawning. "Okay, okay!" he yelled back, standing up and stretching.

Ring, ring

"Hold your horses," Duo grumbled, annoyed at being woken up from his nap. Stifling another yawn, he grabbed the phone.

"'Ello?"

"Duo?" a gentle, familiar voice said.

"Hey, Relena!" he said, grinning. "You and Heero having a good time?"

"Oh, yes, we are. I am sorry to bother you like this."

"Nah, no bother. You need somethin'?"

Relena's voice was somewhat embarrassed. "Actually, um . . . do you suppose you could run by the house and check up on Milliardo and Lucrezia? Heero's getting . . . paranoid."

Duo grinned as he heard a mild protest come from Heero over the phone. "Sure, sure. I'm gonna be heading out in a bit anyways, so I can stop by your place, no problem!"

"Thank you, Duo." Relena sounded grateful.

"No problem," replied Duo readily. "I'll give you a call in a bit. And tell Heero to calm down."

He heard her sigh. "I have, but you know how he is . . ."

Duo grit his teeth as he heard Heero protest again. "Boy, do I ever . . ."

Relena laughed. "Okay, then. Call us as soon as you see them, okay?"

"Yep. You two have a good time."

"Thank you. Goodbye, Duo."

"Bye."

He hung up the phone grinning. He was quite curious himself to see how Noin and Zechs were holding up.

"Who was that, honey?" asked Hilde, entering the room with a sleeping baby on her shoulder. Duo's eyes softened at his wife and their daughter.

"Relena. She wants me to go check up on Noin and Zechs 'cause Heero's getting paranoid."

Hilde shrugged. "I'd be paranoid too if I were in his position."

"Yeah, I guess so." Duo grinned at Hilde, pecking her on the lips before moving to the door. "I'll be home in a bit, 'kay?"

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you, too."

The minute Duo was out the door, he was bombarded by a group of children.

"Daddy, Daddy, where you goin'?"

"What you doin,' Daddy?"

"You goin' someplace, Pop?"

"Will you bring us some candy?"

His kids were everywhere, clinging to his shirt and pulling his braid and wrapping their arms around his legs. "Oi, oi, midgets, get off!" Duo cried, laughing.

"Tell us where you're going!"

"Yeah, Daddy!"

Duo grinned. "I'm going to your Uncle Heero's house."

"Uncle Heero?"

"Yay!"

"Take us with you!"

"No way, kids," he replied. "Heero and Relena aren't home."

"Then why you goin' there?"

"Are you gonna toilet paper their house again, Daddy?"

"Can I help?"

Duo laughed. "No, no toilet paper this time."

"Aww . . ."

"Besides, you wouldn't wanna come anyways," Duo said. "Zechs is there."

"Zechs Merquise?"

"The big man?"

"He's scary!"

Nodding, their father agreed. "He sure is."

"Okay, bye, Daddy!"

"Bye, Daddy!"

"Bring us candy!"

And they went back to playing. Duo watched his children for a minute, grinning. They had all inherited Duo's sugar rush potential, that was for sure. And Hilde's enthusiasm. Cute little kids. Watching them made him want to have about ten more! But he didn't think Hilde would go for that. Especially since they already had seven.

Duo grinned and hopped in his car.

A few minutes later, he arrived at Heero and Relena's house. Grinning in anticipation, he jogged up to the door and rang the doorbell about three dozen times more than was necessary.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" a young male voice said from behind the door. "Geez, you don't have to break the doorbell!"

Duo grinned and pressed the doorbell even more repeatedly.

"Calm down, you!" The voice sounded annoyed, but when the eleven year old Alex opened the door and saw Duo, his face lit up.

"Hey, Duo!" he exclaimed, standing aside so the braided man could come in. "Come on in!"

"Hey, Alex. Man, you're gettin' tall," commented Duo, ruffling the blond boy's shaggy hair.

"Yep. Tall as you!" And Alex stood up as tall as he could, staring up at Duo.

Duo chuckled. "Almost kid, almost. Don't try to grow up to fast."

Alex let out a sigh, running a hand through his bangs. "That's what Mom's always saying."

Duo grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets. "So, where are your parents? Relena asked me to come over and, y'know, check up on things."

A strangled sort of grin crossed the boy's face. "Er . . . they're right this way."

Duo followed the boy towards Relena's living room, nearly colliding with Noin, who was holding a squalling, wriggling bundle.

"Hey, Duo," she gasped, trying to hold on to the wailing baby in her arms. "Will's being so fussy, and he won't stop crying, no matter what I do." She sighed, shifting the crying infant to her hip. "Relena mentioned that he was teething, but he doesn't seem to want anything I give him."

Duo grinned and reached around his back, grabbing a handgun from the waistband of his pants and handing it over. Noin recoiled at the sight.

"Duo! That's a gun!"

The braided man grinned. "It's not loaded." And before Noin could get a word in edgewise, Duo had held the gun out to the baby.

William Yuy's tear-filled, crystal blue eyes stared at the gun for a moment, then chubby hands shot out, grabbed it from Duo's grasp, and brought it to a small, drooling mouth.

Noin blinked as the baby began to chew contentedly on the handle of the gun, gurgling happily.

"Huh. I never would have thought of that."

Duo shrugged. "He is Heero's kid."

And little Will did look exactly like Heero, all except for his light blue eyes. And the puddle of drool coming from his mouth.

The woman nodded in understanding. "Right." She looked down at the silent baby in her arms, obviously relieved, then she grinned at Duo. "Thanks for the help."

"No problem."

Noin smiled, adjusting Will in her arms and moving toward the stairs. "Well, I'm gonna see if I can't put him down for a nap now."

Duo grinned at Alex, who smirked at him and lead him toward the entrance of the living room.

"I'm warning you now," Alex said, glancing at Duo as they reached the entrance, "this isn't pretty."

"I can handle it," Duo said eagerly.

Alex sighed, shook his head, and stood aside so the braided man could step into the living room.

What Duo saw nearly made him pass out in laughter.

There, sitting at a tiny little tea table with a little girl who looked exactly like Relena, was Zechs. The tall man's long legs were scrunched up so he could fit at the table, and a tiny pink teacup was clutched between his thumb and forefinger. One of Relena's pink, dressy, flower-adorned hats was perched atop his pale hair, and a purple apron with ruffles was tied around his torso. Zechs looked thoroughly miserable. And thoroughly hilarious.

Duo felt as if Christmas had come early that year. Seeing Zechs dressed so ridiculously and engaged in a tea party with his niece was one of the funniest things Duo had ever seen. Luckily, Zechs did not seem to acknowledge Duo's presence nor hear the weird sounds issuing from the braided pilot as he tried desperately not to break down laughing and risk disrupting this absolutely priceless situation. The only thing that could make this better was proof that it was actually taking place.

Wait a second . . . Duo suddenly grinned, reached into his pocket for his cell phone, and began snapping pictures of the scene. Perfect.

Mary, at five years old, was a beautiful little girl who looked every bit like her mother, except for her eyes, which she had obviously inherited from Heero. She chattered away happily, not even noticing that her conversation with her uncle was rather one-sided as she pretended to butter a little plastic scone.

"I must say, the weather has been quite delightful lately, hasn't it, Mrs. Marmalade?" she said conversationally, smiling sweetly at her uncle.

Zechs groaned, looking very much like he wanted to drown himself in his tea. "Sure . . ."

"I love your hat!" Mary cried, clasping her hands together. "It's simply precious."

"Thanks . . ." moaned her uncle.

"Would you like some more tea, Mrs. Marmalade?" the little girl asked sweetly, holding her little teapot out to Zechs.

Zechs stopped. Mary had made the tea herself, and quite frankly, it tasted like something that came out of a sewage system. Swallowing somewhat nervously, Zechs replied, "No, thank you."

Prussian blue eyes narrowed dangerously in a glare that perfectly mirrored what those who knew Heero had dubbed the "Death Glare" (TM). The terrifying scowl on the youngster's face was enough to make him reconsider his reply.

"I mean, yes, please," he mumbled angrily, holding out his teacup. "More tea."

She continued glaring.

Zechs plastered a very scary, forced smile on his face. "I mean, I would love some more tea, Lady Sassafras."

She continued glaring, but her gaze was now focused pointedly on the hand clutching his teacup.

Looking throughly humiliated, Zechs sighed and held his pinky out daintily.

The change that took place was immediate; Mary was suddenly smiley and bubbly and cheerful again as she refilled his cup.

Duo couldn't take it anymore. He was certain he would die if he held in his laughter any longer, so he burst out laughing, doubling over as tears streamed from his eyes.

Mary brightened at the sight of him. "Hello, Uncle Duo!" she exclaimed. "Would you like to join our tea party?"

Zechs was frozen, looking at the hysterical Duo in terror.

Managing to recover from his giggle fit, Duo wiped the tears from his eyes. "No, thank you, Mary. I can't stay for long."

The little girl sighed mournfully. "How unfortunate."

Duo grinned wickedly at Zechs. "Sure is." Mischievously, he strolled over to the tea table, noticing that Zechs was looking more and more like he wanted to disappear.

"So . . . Mrs. Marmalade," said Duo with a wide grin. "I've never seen you look so . . . oh, what's the word . . . so dainty."

Zechs glared at him. "Shut it, Maxwell."

"No, no, no!" scolded Mary. "Mrs. Marmalade, you must be polite to our guest."

Zechs looked at Duo with a look that was anything but polite and said, through grit teeth, "Thank you for the compliment, Mr. Maxwell."

Duo's already huge grin somehow managed to widen. Holding back a chuckle, he patted the top of Zech's pink hat. "And I must say, Mrs. Marmalade, that color is stunning on you."

If looks could kill . . . well, Duo would have been dead years ago. "Thank you," growled Zechs.

"Mrs. Marmalade," said Mary reprovingly, "aren't you going to offer our guest some tea?"

Zechs sent a glare in Duo's direction, grabbed the teapot, and held it out. "Tea?"

"Mrs. Marmalade . . ." Mary said disapprovingly.

"I mean," said Zechs lowly, holding his pinky out, "would you like some tea, Mr. Maxwell?"

"No, thanks," laughed Duo, delighted.

"Then would you like a scone?" offered Zechs grudgingly.

"Nah," said Duo. "I'd better be going. I just dropped by to, y'know, check up on things." And he cast Zechs an absolutely wicked look.

Zechs paled, and Mary said sweetly, "Thank you for coming by!"

Duo gave her a little bow, grinning. "Lady Sassafras, it was my pleasure."

Then, with a salute, he turned to exit the room.

"Maxwell!" cried Zechs.

Duo turned around to look at him, eyebrows raised.

Zechs looked like he was struggling with himself, then, quietly, he said, "Don't tell Yuy about this."

Duo's smile was kind, but an unmistakable glint of mischief was in his eyes. "I won't tell him."

And with that, Duo left the Yuy residence, grinning widely and leaving Zechs with an impending feeling of doom.

ooooo

Relena and Heero's quiet dinner was interrupted by a ringing sound coming from Relena's purse. Grabbing it from her chair, Relena fished through the purse's contents before pulling out her cell phone and flipping it open.

"Hello?"

Heero watched his wife as she turned a smirk in his direction.

"Oh, hello, Duo. Was everything okay?"

Heero couldn't help but lean forward slightly anxiously, awaiting news of the well-being of his children.

A disbelieving look crossed Relena's face.

"No . . . way . . ." she breathed.

Alarm spread through Heero. Oh, God. What had Zechs done?

To his relief and surprise, the next sound from Relena was that of uncontrollable laughter.

"She didn't!" she gasped, giggling. "Oh, poor Milliardo."

Heero relaxed, sitting back and smiling and feeling quite certain that he would greatly enjoy this news. He waited patiently as Relena overcame her giggles, listened to the rest of Duo's report, thanked him, bade him farewell, and shut her phone, tucking it away into her purse again.

"So . . . ?" asked Heero, eyebrow raised.

Laughing quietly, Relena grinned and told Heero what Duo had just reported, pausing occasionally when giggles overcame her. By the time she was finished retelling the story, Heero was hunched over in his seat, his shoulders shaking in laughter.

"Oh, man," he chuckled, finally managing to sit up. "That's perfect."

Relena was also giggling, her face flushed in amusement. "I almost feel sorry for my brother."

Heero snorted. "I don't."

"Honey . . ."

"Remind me to buy Mary something while we're out. I want her to know I'm proud of her."

"Heero!" She tried to reprimand him, but she only ended up giggling.

He smirked at his wife. "I only wish I could have seen it for myself. Zechs as a cross-dressing, tea-sucking prissy boy."

Relena got a small, mysterious smile on her face as she reached for her phone again. "The funny thing about that is . . ." she began, flipping her phone open and holding it out for Heero to see, "Duo took pictures."

Heero stared at her, hardly daring to believe it. It was too good to be true.

But no, he realized as he took the phone from her and began looking at the pictures on the screen, it was true.

"Your brother has some fashion taste," he commented in amusement.

Relena raised an eyebrow. "I don't suppose you'll ever let him live this down."

An incredulous look crossed his face as he glanced at her. "Why would I do that?"

She rolled her eyes. "Never mind, Heero." He went back to looking at the pictures, smiling, and Relena couldn't help but chuckle as she took a sip of her drink. "You do realize you'll have to treat Duo civilly for the next day or so for this."

"I'll survive," Heero replied, shrugging. It was a small price to pay for the treat of seeing his arch-nemesis engaged in a tea party with his daughter. And dressed in Relena's clothes.

"As much as I love my brother, I must say that he had this coming," commented Relena as Heero finally handed the phone back to her a few minutes later.

"I agree," her husband replied. "Want to go out again tomorrow night?"

Relena giggled. "You're too much."

He smirked at her.

Revenge was very, very sweet.

Owari!-

Woo-hoo! (dances around like the Joe Boxer man) All right! It's all finished, so what did ya'll think? The idea for this story came to me in the middle of babysitting my own nephew one day (but he's only two, and I didn't have a hot boyfriend with me like Relena did), but back then it was only gonna be, like, one chapter. Things sure change, eh? To every single person who read my story and reviewed, thanks so much! It really made writing this story that much more fun, and I really, truly appreciate it! I have a few more Gundam Wing stories planned for the future, including another funny one called "Battle of the Sexes," but I have no idea when it will be written. Hopefully soon, so keep an eye out!

Alrighty, then, I'm outta here! Peace out!

Sillabub, 05/03/05