Disclaimers: I do not own Yami no Matsuei… I can only hope…
AN: This is my first dip into the Yami no Matsuei fandom, so please be gentle. Review, review, review! I worship those who review… -grin-
AN2: The story is first person point of view. The POVs will go back and forth between Hisoka and Tsuzuki each chapter. Chapter 1 will be Hisoka's POV, whereas Chapter 2 will be Tsuzuki's, and so forth.
AN3: Thank you to the wonderful Neko Kate-chan, who beta read this for me. You should all read her stuff. It's awesome!
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Nightmares
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Tsuzuki and I have been partners for over a year, but it wasn't until three months ago that I had finally seen him sleep. We've been on countless assignments, and since Tatsumi-san is very conscientious of the budget, he tends to always book a one-bedroom hotel when Tsuzuki and I are on assignment.
I had never noticed that I had never seen my partner sleep. I had always assumed that he went to bed around the same time as I did, but woke up early. After all, you'd think he'd be all doom and gloom without sleep, and he is anything but doom and gloom. He's always cheerful, so I had always assumed he slept.
We were on assignment in Kyoto when I realized that Tsuzuki never slept. For five days I stayed up, just watching him stare blankly at nothing. The first night I just couldn't sleep. We had seen Muraki and whenever I see him, I can never sleep for fear of the nightmares being worse than they usually are.
I had just lain there, deciding that as soon as my partner was asleep, I would go for a walk outside. I watched Tsuzuki watch me through half-closed eyes. As he just watched me, his bright, cheerful demeanor began to fade. It wasn't until I saw the dead look in his eyes that I realized that this wasn't the man I knew.
After a while, Tsuzuki tired of staring at me, and began to stare at the wall. I know he was staring at something that only he could see because he didn't notice when I sat up and stared at him. It wasn't until I moved that his head snapped in my direction.
I had feigned a yawn and mumbled something about wanting water. I can't really remember what I said. I was too preoccupied with my thoughts. As soon as he looked at me, the cheerful façade had reestablished itself, carefully hiding the real Asato Tsuzuki from me.
It was at that moment that I realized that the man I knew, the man I trusted with my life, the man I was learning to love was a fraud. He wasn't the Tsuzuki I knew. I had just glimpsed the real Tsuzuki, and I began to worry.
I stayed up the next night, and the night after that, just watching him. He made no sound, and he never slept. By the end of the fourth day, I was exhausted. I hadn't slept since we got there, and neither had Tsuzuki. The difference between us was that he was safely hidden in his façade during the day, happy and energetic, while I was surlier and easier to anger.
I finally slept on the last night we were there. I was watching Tsuzuki, and before I knew it, I had drifted off.
The next couple of assignments, I did the same thing. I watched him as he stared blankly. Each assignment, I tried to subtly find out why he didn't sleep, but I couldn't say much unless I wanted to give myself away.
Slowly, I began to open up to him, hoping that in doing so, he'd open up to me.… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
I had asked Wakaba to put together a list of all of Tsuzuki's past partners that were still in JuOhCho. She had given me the list almost immediately, explaining that she hadn't been around as long as he had, and that she only knew of the partners he'd had while she was here.
I had thanked her and started searching for the people on the list. Many of them I didn't know, but I introduced myself to them all and asked them the same question: Did Tsuzuki ever sleep during assignments?
All of them said that he didn't. Some said that he was too preoccupied with the fact that he was about to kill someone that he couldn't sleep. Others said he just didn't need sleep.
There was only one more person I could ask, and his name wasn't on the list. Tatsumi.
When I had asked Tatsumi this question, he just looked at me. Looking me straight in the eye, he said, "Only once, and he never did again after that." Without another word, he walked away.
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I lay in the bed with Tsuzuki on my right. I finally know why he never slept. He didn't want me to know about them.
His nightmares.
I still don't know what they are about, exactly. I just know that the tamest ones are worse than my worst Muraki dream. But I have an escape from my nightmares. Whenever he is with me, Muraki can't harm me. Tsuzuki brings me comfort and sanctuary from my nightmares. He's my safe haven.
I wish I could do the same for him.
I found out about his nightmares three months ago. I still don't know why he decided to sleep. Maybe he was just exhausted and couldn't stay up, or maybe he decided that I might understand. Whatever the reason, he slept.
It was screaming that woke me. His bloodcurdling scream. I tried to wake him, but he was too deep into the dream to awake.
I was scared. I didn't know what to do. My mind raced, trying to think of a way to calm him. A sudden movement brought my attention back to him. His right arm was poised over his left arm. A sudden swipe down, and I realized belatedly that he was harming himself.
I reacted on instinct. I grabbed his arm and restrained him by pinning his arms to his side. I encircled his waist, squeezing tightly to keep him from harming himself. After a while, he quieted.
As soon as I pulled away, the screaming began again. I once again restrained him. It wasn't until I had restrained him for the third time that I realized that my holding him calmed him.
It didn't keep the nightmares away, but it… Lessened them somehow.
Now I lay here, Tsuzuki held lightly in my arms, as he usually was when we were on assignment, and I sigh.
I want to make his nightmares go away. I want him to be happy always. After that first week of him sleeping and my holding him, he began to drop the façade little by little. I was slowly beginning to know the real Asato Tsuzuki, and I'm glad.
I love Tsuzuki. He's my strength when we're awake, my savior when I'm in trouble, my sanctuary from Muraki while I sleep. He is the one who protects me from anything and everything. I want to do that for him.
I need to be strong. Not for myself, but for him. He's strong for me, and I need to be strong for him.
I don't know what haunts him in his past, but I want to help him deal with it. I want to be the reason that he smiles.
I know that I should tell him, but we don't talk about these things. Every morning, he wakes up in my arms, and looks at me. A grateful smile will greet me when I wake, and then he gently disentangles himself from me, and starts his day.
He never leaves me until I'm awake, and I can't help but wonder why.
AN: That's the end of the first chapter… Review please!