I wake up with Hisoka's arms around me, and I feel peaceful. I never want to leave.
I know that one day he's going to ask about my nightmares just as I asked him about his. I know that I won't be able to lie to him. I don't want to, and I'm too tired to.
It's not an exhaustion type of tired. No, it's a mental tiredness. Tatsumi noticed it, and he's kept an eye on me since. I've been known to do suicidal antics when I'm mentally tired.
I think Tatsumi knows that I won't do anything, though. It would hurt Hisoka, and I can't bring myself to do that.
Sometimes I wonder if it was just better to not sleep at all, but I knew that if I didn't sleep, neither would Hisoka. At first, I took little notice that he stayed awake to watch me as I tortured myself with my past, but after a few months, I realized that he was worried about me. He wasn't sleeping because he was worried about me not sleeping.
A part of me didn't want to sleep around him. I think it's because I was afraid of what his reaction would have been to my nightmares. After all, the one person I had trusted enough to sleep next to had looked on me with disgust and annoyance the day after.
Even though I knew Tatsumi didn't mean it that way, he didn't try to comfort me through my nightmare. The first night I slept with Hisoka in the room, he had comforted me. He restrained me before I could do harm to myself, and he held me while I slept.
Tatsumi had allowed me to mutilate myself, knowing I'd be healed in the morning.
I don't blame Tatsumi for his actions. I honestly expected Hisoka to do the same, but he surprised me. Even though I was asleep, in my dream world, I felt Hisoka hold me, felt him restrain me, heard him call to me.
I wanted nothing but to wake up, as I do every night, but I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to wake up until the montage was over, and there are so many montages in my mind. I have them memorized. I could explain them in detail, but to do so would be to destroy my façade completely.
I have to be happy and cheerful. For as long as I could remember, I have been depressed. I was different from everyone else when I was a child, so I was constantly beaten and teased. The only one who would protect me was my sister, and she died.
I had promised her as she lay dying that I would be happy. I haven't broken that promise yet.
I will be happy for as long as I remain in this state of limbo. I'm not alive, and I'm not dead. Until I can get the courage to cross completely, I must be happy.
It's only around Hisoka that I can let the façade slip and not break my promise. He brings me a quiet kind of happiness. I can let my eyes go dead, I can cry silent tears when I'm with him, and he won't judge.
Those rare times when I do let the façade slip during the day around him, he just gently closes the door to our office and holds me. He never does more, but he doesn't need to. We both understand.
He loves me. I know he does. It's in his every action, in the way he looks at me. I have no uncertainties about whether or not he loves me, and yet, I can't confess to him.
I can't tell him I love him, or the sins of my past. I can't. As much as I wish I could, there is that voice in the back of my mind that says that Hisoka could never love a murderer, an abomination.
I stare at Hisoka, sleeping peacefully beside me. His lips are slightly parted, and his wheat colored hair covers his closed eyes. He isn't perfect, but it's his imperfections that make him perfect.
My imperfections make me a monster. A killer.
A single tear escapes my eye. As if sensing my sadness, he wakes up and stares at me.
I can't take it. The deceit, the charade of who I should be versus who I am, the unrelenting pain of my past. All of it wells up inside me and I cry silently.
Tears escape my eyes until a steady stream has emerged. I never make a sound, and Hisoka's eyes never waver from my face.
Hesitantly, he lifts one small hand from my waist and raises it to my face. Gently, he brushes away my tears. The thoughtful, caring gesture wrenches more tears from me.
I close my eyes. I can't look him in the eyes anymore, yet I can't turn away.
His lips brush my cheeks, and I realize he's kissing my tears away. I open my eyes and look at him. I can sense the despair rising in me.
"Tsuzuki," he whispers. "Let me help you. I can't help you if you won't let me." A tear escapes his eyes, and it's followed by another. I know he's crying for me, but I don't know why.
"You can't help a monster, Hisoka," I whisper bitterly.
He kisses me. It's a chaste kiss, just a gentle pressing of his lips against mine, but it's enough to break me, and he can sense that.
"Let down your shields," he whispers. "You shield even in your sleep to protect me. Let me protect you."
Slowly, I nod. Taking a deep breath, I begin to break down all of the shields that I've had for so long. I don't know how many I have, but I do know that no one in JuOhCho, or EnMachOh for that matter, can shield as well as I can.
There is one more shield to go, and I hesitate. I'm still pressed up against Hisoka's chest, and I just can't bring myself to do it. He's empathic, and his power is heightened by touch. I know my emotions are too strong for him and that it will hurt him. I can't do that to him.
He senses my hesitation, and he gently kisses me again. The kiss is frustrated. He wants to help me, but I won't let him. I'm being selfish, but I can't hurt him.
He's trying to put me at ease, trying to get me to lower my last shield. He doesn't know what he's doing; yet he won't give up. His desperation to help me, to heal me, is there in his kiss.
I pull away from the kiss first, a little out of breath from the contact. I look at my partner for validation that he's sure he can do this; that he wants to do this. His eyes never waver as he nods his head.
Taking a deep breath, I lean back into him and kiss him. As his mouth opens to allow my tongue entrance, I lower my last shield.
And I swallow Hisoka's screams.
AN: Thanks to my great beta, Neko Kate-chan… Review please!
Thanks to everyone who's reviewed already... Ola, No.27X (Love the name...), and, of course, Shuichi Shindou-Uesugi. Thanks for the long review!