I can't be brought back, for I am too far gone.
I have told myself that for so long, and I believe it. I have given up on the thought of peace and comfort in my life. I told myself not to hope for the impossible.
Hisoka is holding me as I cry again. He's whispering words of comfort in my ear, and I cry harder. He wants to fix me, but I can't be fixed.
I want to tell him he's wasting his time, that I'm a worthless cause, but I'm selfish. I want him to hold me. I want him to love me.
But how can he love me? I've done horrible things in my life. I killed myself to escape my pain, only to bring myself more.
Against my will I raise my left arm and stare at my wrist. Hisoka notices because he too stares.
Mottled scars greet my sight. Jagged and white, the scars bear testimony to the wish to escape. My eyes trace them and I shudder.
There are so many, but I knew which one I'm looking for.
It was the deepest cut, and it's the ugliest scar. The skin was raised and it stood out the most.
"How could something that freed me look so ugly," I whisper.
Gentle fingers trace the scar and I close my eyes, savoring the touch. He says nothing, but continues to trace the scar from beginning to end several times.
He's still holding me.
I cast my mind through my memories, briefly reliving each and every one as Hisoka holds me and traces the scar that brought me freedom.
"Why?" It's a simple question, a question I desperately need to know the answer to, so I ask. I know that I don't need to elaborate because he'll know what I mean. He always does.
He's silent for a moment before answering. I know he's picking his words carefully because he pauses suddenly.
"Because I love you," he begins. A pause, then he continues. "I want to help you as you've helped me." Another pause, then he finishes, his voice a whisper. "I want to be worthy of you. I want you to love me."
I gently pull my hand from his grasp and wrap my arms around him. We hold each other, and we are content for the moment.
I know the contentment won't last, but I pray it does. I hold him close to me. His light can destroy my darkness. He can bring me back, he can save me.
But do I want him to?
"Hisoka, I do love you." I kiss him, illustrating my statement. He closes his eyes and leans into the kiss the little distance that's left to lean. I pull away. "But I'm not worthy of you. I can't change. I've been this way for too long, and, although I want to change for you, I don't know how."
He looks at me, his expression serious. I think he's going to kiss me, but he realizes that a kiss isn't going to make it better. Instead, he pulls me closer to him. "I won't force you to change. I want to help you, and I want to be with you."
I look up at him, and in the dark, I can tell he's blushing. A small smile blooms on my face as I see this.
I know I can't change, but I will try. For Hisoka, I will try.
I cannot be brought back, for I am too far gone.
I have given this thought life for too long, and now it's controlling me. It's time for me to take control of my life. If not for my own state of mind, then for Hisoka.
I am scared. I don't know how to change, and I've told him so. He says he doesn't want me to change, not if I don't want to.
He deserves better than me. Far better, yet he still chooses to be with me. I do not understand why he stays. No one else has stayed this long, yet he won't leave.
I love him, and I want to be the person he deserves. I will try to be that person, and I know that he will help me.
Gently, he lays us down on the bed. My head rests on his chest, and I just lay silently until his breathing slows.
He's asleep, and I watch him.
I'm scared that if I sleep, I'll dream. I don't want to disturb him, but I know that I can no longer allow the fear to control me.
I begin to steady my breathing, matching it to the sleeping man beside me. My body begins to relax, and I remember, for the first time in years, the night I died.
I had slit my wrists again. I had to keep cutting them to keep the blood flowing.
I knew that I was free when my body began to relax and darkness edged my vision. I remember smiling as death took me.
I was free.
Now my body relaxes again, and darkness closes in around me, but it's not death. It's only sleep.
I am still not free, but with him beside me, I have hope, however small, that I one day will be.
And it will be all for him, because he believes in me, and he loves me.
Finished-
AN: Dark, huh? sigh I don't typically do angst, but this just kept coming out angsty, so I surrendered… Thanks to my wonderful beta, Neko Kate-chan… The next one won't be angst, I promise. Review, and let me know what you thought.
Thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed this story! I wasn't sure how well it wasgoing to be recieved, but yay for good reception!
Silent Darkness Tsumiko: Wow. My story is intriguing? Yay me! LOL Last update, so I hope you enjoyed!
Notta-chan::accepts cookie bribe: Update accomplished. grin Thanks for the awesome feedback! Really glad you liked it enough to gush. Authors love to hear that their work touches people, and I'm very flattered you feltthe emotion...
Morbid Flower : Final chapter, hope you're not too disappointed, but it's sort of bittersweet ending, huh? Thanks for the reviews for all THREE chapters. grin
Dark Sapphire Dragon: You need no longer wait! Here ya go! I wanted to explore their partnership, but it didn't turn out the way I was aiming... Oh well... Glad you liked!
Polynesia: Yay! I'm loved! It's okay that you read and don't review... I'm not crying or anything... hides in corner, sniffling But anyways, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Although, I'm not sure how you get fluffy... I think more dark and angst, but if you say fluff, then who am I to argue? LOL Thanks for the review!
Whyfel: Glad you like angst, seeing as that's what this is. grin Thanks for the review.
Well, that's it for this story everyone... It was an experience writing it, and I'll be back with more LIGHT YnM stories... Soon... I hope... If there isn't anything in a week, start pestering me. It'll probably be the only way to get me away from my other current story... sigh Hope you all enjoyed!