Ben sat in his dorm room trying to read one of his textbooks. The room itself was small and drab. It measured maybe nine foot by nine foot; flat white paint covered the walls. A huge window with vertical blinds did at least let light in. The room was divided into two halves with the door in the middle. As one entered a box frame single bed was on the left, and a cheap particleboard desk and shelving unit was to the right. Ben was neat and kept a clean isle between the halves.
Having completed the move to Denver over two months ago. Ben now had full sense of how grand a change he'd made in his life. He'd had always considered himself a smart and self-sufficient person, but for the first time in his life he was well and truly alone. When he left Seattle he'd just assumed he'd have a roommate, so he was shocked to find that the dorms were singles. Ben still had trouble talking to people, particularly girls, his own age. This left Ben to navigate the changes of college life almost completely by himself. Ben still had his cell phone, and in addition to that he spent hours on IM's with Dino and Jon. However they were still in Seattle, over a thousand miles away from him. He hadn't found the time to see Monica yet; he was too busy trying to establish a new sense of order and routine. Everything from finding his way around campus, to learning where the nearest laundry mat was located occupied Ben's time.
Ben hadn't neglected his Monica plans totally though. He had managed to get a job as an editor of the CU student newspaper. More specifically he became the sports page editor. The reporting and writing positions were internships and had to be filled by CU students. The editing positions though were ordinary, hourly paid half-time positions. It had surprised Ben more than a little when he'd seen the advertisement in the Denver student newspaper for the positions at CU. Ben felt largely that he didn't deserve the job because he'd cheated more than a little in order to land it. When he got an interview he'd called Jonathan and borrowed a writing sample to submit. Also, in order to keep up appearances, he selected journalism as his major at Denver. At first Ben was woefully out of his depth, but he learned quickly and even enjoyed the work. Particularly the fact that he got to boss around a staff of four CU student sports reporters. The four kissed up to Ben constantly because he got to decide which sporting events they covered. Most of all however the job gave Ben a reason to visit the Boulder campus anytime he wished. It was the perfect way to get closer to Miss Young.
Ben closed his textbook; he couldn't concentrate because thoughts of Monica had crept to the front of his mind. He'd hoped with his job to just simply run into her, but that hadn't happened. So he grabbed his keys and decided that today was the day he was going to make it happen. The Boulder campus was only about thirty miles away and Ben covered the distance in less than ten minutes. My driving has gotten as bad as hers he thought as he pulled into a parking meter outside the journalism building. Like a lot of things since he'd decided to leave Seattle, Ben realized as he plugged the meter, that he hadn't adequately planned for this moment. This was a huge campus and he had only vague information about where to find her. All he knew was that she was an English TA, so he decided to start with the English Department offices. A brown brick building that had been renovated fairly recently. Inside the halls were white with oak trim, and the doors, which were handicapped accessible, swung open automatically when pushed or pulled. Ben placed his hands on his hips when he found the bulletin board that listed office numbers. The board gave office numbers for professors only. It was after four in the afternoon and not many classes were still in session. Ben asked the few students he found roaming the building if they knew Miss Young, but no one did. As he wandered the first floor of the building Ben eventually found a bulletin board that had course descriptions posted. The course descriptions listed an instructor, a time, and a room, but that was the room where the class was held. Still he found Miss Young's name twice on these pages. From these he could discern that she taught two different classes, and she seemed to have a Monday, Wednesday, Friday teaching schedule. This was Monday but to Ben's disappointment both her classes were long since over.
Ben had to try a new idea. He went back over to the journalism building and sought out his chief editor. Henry Phillips was a bald, grandfatherly type man in his sixties, who'd retired as a reporter from the Denver Post some years earlier. Ben liked the man. Henry was patient and allowed Ben time to learn his job as an editor to spite seeing that he had exaggerated his qualifications somewhat. "What can I do for you Ben," the grandfather asked kindly as he approached.
"Is there some kind of staff directory for the campus? Names office numbers and such. I'm trying to find an old English teacher of mine."
"Sure, who are you trying to find?" Henry opened a drawer and laid his copy of the CU campus directory on his desk.
"Miss Young, her name is Miss Young." Ben had to repress excitement as he said the name.
Henry immediately closed the book, "Miss Young, you mean Monica Young?"
"I don't know her first name." Ben stomach tightened as he lied.
"Short, brown hair, green eyes, gorgeous little thing?" Henry's eyes danced as he gave the description.
"That's her." Ben nodded as Henry tapped the directory with his knuckles.
"She was your English teacher, how old were you?" Henry put the directory back away.
"I was sixteen," Ben smiled as he said it.
"Ooooh, sixteen, I bet you enjoyed that class." Henry leaned back in his chair as he let out the slight moan.
'More than you'll ever know old man.' "I take it you know her." Ben was starting to get mildly annoyed at his boss's pleasure over Miss Young.
"Hey I'm old, I'm not dead." Henry sensed Ben's discomfort and winked at him. "Yeah I know her, she's a TA and she's going to graduate school here."
"I know all of that, I'm trying to find her." Ben's tone grew more exasperated.
"Well they've actually got her teaching Journalism 100 this semester. She doesn't like it and screeches endlessly." Henry rolled his eyes. "That woman can be a temptress and a cast iron bitch all at the same time. Anyways she's on top floor of the English building, office 708.
"Thank You," Ben shouted as he turned to run out of the building.
Office 708 was a space shared by six different people. It was a large space with grey cubicle dividers, a light brown-carpeted floor, off white stucco walls, and a Styrofoam drop ceiling. Bright track lights lit the place. The room had long and narrow rectangular windows on the wall opposite the door. Only three of the six cubicles were visible from the doorway and they were empty. Ben crept around the outside of the room and past the center divider. Monica was in the first cubicle on the window side of the room. Ben looked past her at the others, they were alone. Monica's head was down, an open textbook and white plastic reading lamp were all that adorned the top of her metal desk. She had a notepad and was scratching notes as she scanned the book. Ben was content to admire her for some time. She wore a hot pink blouse and her hair was in a bun, held in place by a large peach colored hairclip. To Ben's great disappointment the desk hid the lower half of her. Miss Young sensed his presence and looked up. She didn't bother hiding her shock as she removed her reading glasses.
"Ben, my god what are you doing here?" Miss Young turned and examined the cubicles behind her much as Ben had.
"Don't worry we're alone," Ben took a seat and rested his hands on her desk. 'Let the game begin.' Neither spoke for several moments. She examined him too. Ben wore a simple white dress shirt with the cuffs rolled up just below his elbows and a pair of blue jeans. She also noticed that those chocolate eyes were still mesmerizing. As always happened when they met, an outside observer could've physically seen the emotions wash over them.
"Answer the question Ben, what the hell are you doing in Boulder?" She leaned forward and pointed her pen at Ben.
"Well at the last minute I decided I wanted to go to Denver. I'm a student at Denver University." Ben announced it like it was supposed to be some mythic revelation that would allow them to be together.
Miss Young put down her pen and drummed her fingers against the desk. "I see and what brought on that decision?" The phone conversation he'd overheard had put Ben at ease too much. He was surprised now because she wasn't being very receptive. Her eyes were lasers and her voice was starting to get that razor edge he knew all to well.
"Well a person named Jane had a lot to do with it." Ben sat back still feeling like he was in control after playing his trump card.
"Jane?" Monica threw her hands up in gesture: who is Jane?
"Your next door neighbor Jane." Ben's tone was out and out smug.
Monica's drumming fingers slowed their tempo. "How could you possibly know who she is?"
"Little tip, you might want to try actually hanging up your phone next time." Ben's smugness continued.
The phone conversation Ben mentioned was over two months old so it took some time for Monica to piece together what had happened that night. When she did though it was impossible for her to keep the shock and horror off her face. "So, so you heard all of that?" Miss Young stammered and shrunk back in her chair remembering the conversation.
"Every single solitary word." Ben paused for at least a second in between words. He was reaching a state of almost lunatic pleasure. He thought he had Monica right where he wanted her.
Miss Young on the other hand found his tone immature and was determined to cut him back to size. Before speaking she stood up and took another look around the office to make sure they were still alone. "Then I suppose you're here to try and get back together with me?"
"It's crossed my mind yeah." Ben leaned forward and actually tried to kiss her.
Monica stepped back, her face became hard as steel. "Don't ever try and do that again. I'm still the woman and you're still the boy here."
"That's not what you said two months ago." Ben raised his voice and stood up to his full height, meaning to intimidate her. The fight for control of the conversation was fully on.
Monica had learned from her past mistakes and at least took the precaution of walking over and shutting the office door before continuing. As she took her place opposite him again Monica looked at the floor. "Ben the deal is this. I meant what I said to Jane. Every word of it, I love you as much as it is humanly possible, at least for me. Sometimes that's just not enough though. It's a shame because we're so great together, but our past is just too much. Secondly, you have been nothing but arrogant since you came in here. That tells me that you still have a lot of growing up to do. So in spite of what I may feel I choose not to go down that path again. And you will not drag me down it with you either." Miss Young's cheeks flushed and her hands balled into fists as she looked up at Ben. Her eyes burned with a rage and intensity he'd never seen before.
Ben collapsed back into the chair. 'That is what she's waited three years to tell me.' He'd really built in his mind that this was going to be some kind of joyful, passionate reunion. Now it was clear she wanted nothing of the sort. It was also all to clear that he still didn't have the muscle to stand up to her in an argument. Tears formed in the corner of Ben's eyes. He sat silently trying to figure out a next move. Monica immediately softened, seeing that she'd hurt him. She opened a desk drawer and tossed Ben a box of tissues. At that moment the words Jonathan had said echoed in his head: don't come back without her.
Ben immediately began to recover. "I suppose it was a foolish to think that just showing up here would fix things." Monica nodded agreement. "I thought if we could become more like equals. I've had dreams about you recently." Ben stopped. Monica's face fell into a mix of curiosity and apprehension. Ben chuckled slightly, "Not those kind of dreams. You still have dirty mind Monica Young." The line earned a small smile from Miss Young. "It was a dream about circumstances. Circumstances are what I thought stood in our way back in Seattle. I thought I could change them." Ben put his head down and gently folded his hands to indicate he was through.
"Some of them yes, but not all. Ben my heart leapt when I saw you standing in front of me today. Every time I see you half of me wants to grab hold and never, ever let go." Monica's voice switched back to teacher mode.
"And the other half?" Ben asked hesitantly.
Monica lowered her eyes to the desk, "the other half says that you and me are a destructive and self defeating proposition. If we end up hurting each other again I doubt either one of us could survive it." Against her wishes Monica's voice continued to soften.
"I just don't know if I believe that, the idea that we, us are destructive and self defeating." Ben leaned on the desk again.
"Believe it. Look mostly it's my fault. I gave Sue the D and I made the big mistake seducing your brother. Ben take it as sign of how much you mean to me that you could reduce a twenty-three year old woman to the such petty jealousy. Also take it as sign of just how out of control a relationship between you and me could get." Monica looked at her watch, it was seven-thirty. The sun was already setting. 'My god we've been talking for two hours.' Miss Young rose and shouldered her purse. "It's time for us to go our separate ways Ben."
"At least let me walk you to your car. After all I think we are equals now. Both of us are students, and we practically live in the same city. Friends at least?" Ben extended a hand.
"I'm a grad, you're an undergrad, but I'd like that." Monica shook his hand.
Ben continued to make small talk as they walked out of the building. "Say I've got to ask you something. When I overheard you and Jane talking why did you tell her your car wouldn't make it back to Seattle?"
"You know me Ben, my bug is getting older and I drive it too hard. It's been stalling a lot lately. In fact I haven't said my daily prayer for it to start today." Miss Young smiled.
"Why not just get a new one," Ben asked naively?
"Yeah, I know I've got that extra twenty thousand dollars around here some place." Monica playfully frisked herself. "I live on student loans, and my stipend as a teacher."
"You're telling me, I'm gonna be in debt up to my eyeballs coming here." Ben was quite cheerful, for a man who'd come thirteen hundred miles to be rejected.
"Welcome to my world. One thing I've got to ask you Ben, why the dress shirt, I've never seen you wear anything but a polo with jeans?"
Ben looked down sheepishly. "Dress shirts are all I have at the moment. See one of the many things Ben Conner has had to learn to do for himself, since coming here alone, is laundry. Lesson number one apparently is don't use hot water with colors."
Monica almost screamed with laughter as she reached her car. Mercifully the bug started for her. She shook Ben's hand through the window as she drove off. Ben kicked the cloud of dust she left behind. He'd failed this time, but he could still make her laugh. Besides he had no intention of giving up so easily.