Goosie sayz: I never planned on there being a part three, hell; I never planned on there being a part two either.Anyway… this new addition to the series is all vasillis-childe's fault. He is my inspiration for this. And if you haven't read his Torn's Bad Day series you don't know what you're missing. (chuckles) This fic will mostly likely be amusing in its own right, but it might help things along if you read Celebration: A Jak and Daxter Fan Fic Challenge and Celebration: The Party Continues. Well, it probably still won't make any sense but they're fun so read them. Yes, I know I've done some serious fic whoring in this author's note, but y'know what, I don't care. Anyway, on with the fic.
Celebration: A Day To Remember (aka Tess' Bad Day)
When she'd first taken this job she'd already known it would be an experience. Not as taxing an experience but an experience nonetheless.
Tess wiped the beads of sweat from her forehead. It was extremely humid in this dressing room. Either that or she was just a little bit nervous about hearing what Dax thought about his binding ceremony robes. Everything had been happening so quickly that it wasn't until today, the very day of Dax and Torn's binding ceremony, that the red head had even gotten a chance to try on let alone see the robes.
To say Tess, Daxter's chosen ceremony planner, was a little anxious would be an understatement.
And the fact that it had been ten whole minutes since Daxter had entered the dressing room and had yet to say one word was enough to send the blonde into hysterics.
"Um… Daxikins?" She squeaked.
(sigh)
"I know you said you didn't want white and all, since… um… y'know. But I figured that… it was… it was just so…"
Just as she was about utter the word, Daxter burst from the dressing room with a huge grin on his face. Tess' eyes grew big at the sight and she finally chirped.
"Pretty!" She shrieked, jumping up and down clapping insanely.
"No, no, no, babycakes. I thought we discussed this. Not pretty. Stunning. Stun-ning."
"Oh right. I forgot." She grinned. "Oh but Daxxy, you look so beau…"
"Gorgeous?" He chimed in.
"Yes, gorgeous. Of course." She nodded.
Daxter did a few twirls in his new ceremony robes. The shimmery fabric swished about him prettily.
"Toots is gonna be drooling on 'is tunic when he gets a load of me in these." The red head cackled.
"Oooowww!" Tess squealed. "When me and Siggikins have our bonding ceremony, I hope I have robes as pre… stunning as yours Daxter!"
"It doesn't hurt ta dream, sweet cheeks. It doesn't hurt ta dream."
Tess giggled.
"Alright. Now lets get me bonded."
oo0oo
Torn was not a happy camper. Not that this was unusual or anything on any other day, but this day was not just any other day. He and his beloved Daxter were going to be bonding themselves for all eternity today. This was a good thing. Even though he had to wear what he had come to believe was a male equivalent to a frilly dress. But his robes were cool and blood red. Just like the very tips of Daxter's hair. Red was Torn's favorite color you know. Besides, for this, he could put up with the robes. It wasn't everyday that he, Torn, Commander of the Freedom League, aka The Tattooed Wonder, the scourge of all tyranny, decided to bind himself to someone. I mean c'mon, he should not be frowning on today. Not to mention the fact, that if Tess saw him she'd have a conniption. He could just hear the woman now.
"Torny, whatever you do today, smile. No frowning. It'll put the most icky lines in your face and it'll ruin all the pretty pictures!"
He didn't even like pictures. But if pictures were what his Daxter wanted, then it was pictures his Daxter would have. He was just that kind of guy. Y'know all considerate and shit. And if anyone thought any different and actually had the nerve to say it to his face, he'd gut them, collect their entrails and present him to Daxter as a binding gift.
The tattooed commander chuckled to himself, pleased with his clever little joke. He hadn't even noticed the hurricane of hot pink barreling around the corner. Tess plowed right into him knocking both of them to the ground.
"What the fu…"
"Torn!" Tess squeaked. "There you are. I've been looking all over for you!"
The blonde's bangs had worked themselves loose from her up do and were now falling haphazardly into her flushed face.
"I was…"
"Have you seen Jak!" Tess interrupted the man yet again.
Torn frowned.
"Torn!" Tess chided. "What did we agree about frowning?"
The commander sighed. "It'll mess up the 'pretty' pictures." He groaned and after a brief fight with his robes, he hoisted himself off of the ground.
He offered his hand to the fallen woman who took it gladly.
"So, have you seen Jak?" She asked again as she tried to fix her hair.
"I was just looking for him."
(sigh)
"Where could he be! He's the ring keeper!" Tess began to hyperventilate.
"Calm down, Tess." Torn growled. "He's at least in the building. I saw him earlier… with Jinx."
"Oh no." The ceremony planner moaned. "He's going to ruin his robes!"
"Wha… Eww!"
"C'mon we've got to find them!" She said. "You go that way and I'll got this way!"
Before Torn could argue the blonde took off down the other end of the hall.
"But didn't you just come from that way?" He muttered to no one.
(sigh)
"Goddamn it, how the hell do I get pulled into this shit? I swear, when me and Dax get hitched we're moving from this fucking city of fucking loons."
"Ahhhhhh!"
The scream was decidedly female and decidedly Tess like in nature.
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry Jak. I didn't know you guys were in here. Oh my gosh!"
Torn again sighed and started toward the other end of the hall.
"It's okay, Tess." He could hear Jak's raspy voice clear from where he was.
"Yeah, we were just finishin' up." And that nasally one had to be Jinx's.
The groom to be walked up just into time to see Tess' furiously blushing face and a slightly ruffled looking Jak. A moment later, Jinx emerged from the dark room zipping up his pants, a highly disturbing grin on the blonde man's face.
Upon hearing Torn approaching, Tess finally pulled her hand from over her eyes. "I found him." She smiled weakly.
"Oh…Eww!" Torn groaned.
"What!" Both Jinx and Jak yelled in defense.
"Oh, what? So you can screw Dax but I can't…"
"Uh, don't even finish that sentence, Jak." Torn said rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Just… don't… Ever. And if I hear 'screw' and 'Dax' come out of your mouth ever again…"
Jak gasped in outrage.
"Boys!" Tess yelled. "We have a binding ceremony to attend! Now Jak get… presentable! Torn go get ready to get bound! And Jinx, could you at least keep your hands off Jak long enough for us to get through this ceremony? Gawd!"
And with that Tess stomped off to deal with her next problem: Their creepy, alcoholic, Binder.
oo0oo
Tess fidgeted with the tie on her own robes. Finally, things were on their way. She'd found Seem downstairs in the cellar partaking of the palace's private wine stock. This was not a good thing, Tess knew this, but Seem was the only one who knew how to perform the binding rites, so the monk had to be fine. She had to.
The white faced young monk had only slightly stumbled down the aisle, dancing drunkenly in time with the ancient Precursor drums. Those having been shipped straight from the Wasteland temple. It would seem that having Spragus's new ruler for a boyfriend had its added benefits. With this type of publicity Tess would soon be swimming in party planning offers. With that, plus her gun modding gig finally taking off, she'd be set in no time. She could buy a nice little place in Spragus and retire by the time she was 25. Leaving her plenty of time to spend with the 4 kids she planned on having once she and her Siggy Poo had their binding ceremony. But she would not have Seem read their rites. Oh hells no. That girl was just too unreliable. Not to mention a frigging alcoholic.
Unfortunately the blonde was much too wrapped up in her future plans to notice that instead of the couples pairing off boy/girl, boy/girl, the way she had organized them in the first place. The pairs had taken it upon themselves to organize as they saw fit. Which was a problem of course. Not that she had anything against same sex pairings. Oh no, and neither did the rest of Haven apparently. They all had been under such tight restrictions under the rule of Baron Praxis. It was nice to see people going against the 'rules' most Havenites would say. So no, seeing two guys or two women walking down the aisle together was not a problem, thus the reason for this very public ceremony for two men in the first place. But what was a problem, however, was what the pairs were doing while they were walking down the aisle.
Tess growled under her breath. This was a binding ceremony. Not happy hours down at "Shak'ems".
Apparently, not only did Jinx seem to have a problem with boundaries, especially those involving Jak, (even public places didn't seem to awaken the slightest bit of shame in the man), but even the governess and Keira were engaging in some… questionable behavior. From the front Ashelin appeared to be the very pinnacle of grace and poise, her companion the classic blushing first time binding maid. Though from where Tess was standing, the red head's hand seemed to have whole other agenda altogether.
"What are you doing!" Tess whisper-shrieked. A talent only a woman under the greatest riggers of stress could manage.
But Ashelin hadn't seemed to hear her over Keira's incessant giggling.
(sigh)
"Calm down, sugar muffin."
Tess sighed instantly as a strange sort of relief over took her.
"Where the hell have you been!"
The blonde whipped around and smacked Sig rather violently on his arm. Luckily, the Wastelander had been couth enough to dress for the occasion and forgo his usual armor otherwise the poor woman would have had a broken hand to add to her list of troubles for today.
"I've been going through hell all day. You were supposed to help keep these guys in line!"
Sig backed away, his only visible eye widening in shock.
"I'm sorry, Pudding Pop." The dark skinned man muttered almost mechanically. "Everyone was having such a good time…"
Tess' frown morphed instantly to a bright smile. Sig sighed in relief.
"Nevermind, Siggikins, we're up next."
oo0oo
"On such a blessed day… Isn't it a blessed day everyone!"
"Um, hum." The assembled binding witnesses all chorused in reply to Seem's question.
Torn and Daxter exchanged raised eyebrows. Seem was functional but there was no doubt about her drunken state. Torn had had enough, this was his and Dax's day and this alcoholic, fucked up excuse for a clown was not going to ruin it for them. But just as he opened his mouth to protest the obvious turn for the worst the ceremony was taking, Seem press one pasty white finger to his lips.
"Aww… isn't that sweet." She smiled lazily. "Our dear commander can't seem to wait his turn to tell the one he so adores how much he truly cares. However, we must remember Tattooed Wonder that patience is a virtue."
"Um, hum." The chorus spoke up once again.
"Now where were we?" The monk girl asked, totally ignoring the way Torn's face had contorted in fury.
"You were talkin' about it being a bless day or some shit like that." Jinx chimed in helpfully after removing the lit cigar from his mouth.
"Oh yes…"
"Look, coloring book," Dax said, the look of annoyance on his face oddly enough registering to tipsy monk. "Y'think we could get this show on the road before I drop dead of old age? I mean y'know, if y'r finished with reliving last night's AA meetin' and all."
Seem's sloppy grin only waned slightly.
"As you wish, Mr. Lightning." She nodded. "Now, if the two of you would join hands…"
Torn sighed and took Daxter's hands into his own. The two of them faced each other blushes beginning to color their faces. Keira and Tess burst into a boisterous sob fest. Ashelin dabbed at running mascara with a white handkerchief. Jak grinned mischievously. Jinx grabbed Jak's ass. Sig backed away slightly.
"Now if you'd repeat after me, Tattooed Wonder…"
What followed was a strangest jumble of supposed words the Freedom League commander… no… anyone had ever heard in all of their lives.
"You're fucking kidding me right?"
Dax kicked Torn in the leg.
"Ow! Fuck, Dax. Okay fine," Torn looked out into the audience and forced a twitch of his lips that was supposed to have been a smile, but only caused the crowd to recoil in alarm. "I'll give it a try. I guess."
What followed was the second strangest jumble of supposed words everyone had ever heard.
"Um… yeah." Seem offered. "That'll work. Mr. Lightning…"
"English." Daxter deadpanned.
"Fine. You're no fun." The monk girl pouted.
Torn's look of fury made it's second appearance of the ceremony.
"Do you, Orange Lightning promise to cook for, clean for, not to mention, bathe, massage, pleasure…
Jinx snorted. There were scattered chuckles from the spectators.
"Seem!" Tess screeched.
"Well, fine! Kill all my fun!" The girl screeched back. The creepy grin was back instantly as she turned back to the couple. "Alright, I'll be good. Anyway, formerly fuzzy one, do you promise to be well and faithful to your beloved Tattooed daddy for as long as you both continue to intake oxygen."
"Um… sure." Dax said weakly.
"Good. And since somewhere in that horrific molestation of the blessed Precursor tongue you agreed to these terms as well, Wonder boy, we now turn to the ring keeper who will present you with the rings that shall bind you two… Forever! Muhahahahahahhaaaa!"
"Seem!"
"Gawd! Woman!" The monk screamed back.
All attention was then turned from the deranged monk girl to the green blonde headed man who despite his formal dress had insisted on donning his goggles. Jak's eyes grew large, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead. A nervous grin bloomed on his face as he took in each and every face in the crowd before him. He reached around the inside of his robes desperately but with each passing second the smile on his face grew more and more forced.
"Uh… yeah." His rusty voice croaked weakly. "Right. The rings."
He nudged his boyfriend in the ribs, still grinning disturbingly.
"Wha… I ain't got 'em." Jinx whispered tersely.
The boy frowned.
"Well, I don't have 'em!"
Torn face palmed. Daxter's hands dropped to his sides, a highly unamused expression on his face. Keira and Ashelin groaned in unison.
"What do you mean you don't have them!" Tess' strangled scream broke throughout the palace ballroom echoing off every smooth surface the sound waves could find. "You're the ring keeper, Jak. You're supposed to keep the goddamned rings! Precursors! You people are worthless! And you!" She wailed pointing at Seem. "I knew I should've gone with Samos!"
In the front row, Samos grinned in triumph. Seem eyed the aging sage, silently vowing revenge for such a humiliation. Samos stared back. Seem stared… harder.
Sig rushed over to the other side of the altar and pulled his girlfriend aside.
"Calm down, Sugarkins. You're not making things better by acting like this."
"Well, neither are you by standing here being big and dumb… and not making things better!" Tess screamed.
"Wait!" Jak hollered. "I remember where they are! I put them in my boxers. That's were I put all my important things!"
Jinx snorted. The audience chuckled. Jak blushed. Keira, Ashelin and Sig groaned. And Tess… well she just continued to be extremely pissed.
After regaining his composure Jak reached right on his pants and dug around. And dug some more.
"You need some help there, Jakkie-boy?"
"Don't. You. Dare." Tess seethed.
Jinx put up his hands in a placating manner. "I was just kiddin'!"
"Um…" Jak leaned over towards his boyfriend and whispered. "They're not here!"
A sigh from around a cigar. "You sure ya put 'em in there?"
"I know I did. It's just… my boxers. I think I forgot to put 'em back on. Y'know after…"
"Hey!" Torn and Tess screamed in unison.
Jak blushed. "Excuse us!"
The green haired boy grabbed his partner and the two of them sprinted down the aisle and out of the door before Tess could stop them.
"Oh, for cryin'…" Dax groaned as he slumped down on the steps of the altar.
/Twenty minutes later…/
"Found 'em!" Jak said bursting into the ballroom, his robes half open and flaring around him, goggles askew, and zebra striped boxers in hand.
Jinx was right behind him, smiling languidly. He had a look about him that could only be described as smarmy.
"What tha 'ell took ya so long!" Daxter shrieked. Then he turned from Jak to Jinx, looking the man up and down. "No, y'know what… don't answer that."
"Thank the Precursors." Seem groaned. "Can we get the show on the road." She added looking at her watch. "I'm thirty minutes late for happy hours at Shak'ems as it is."
Dax slipped the ring on to Torn's finger and Torn did the same. The two of them then turned reluctantly to Seem for further instructions.
"What the hell are you looking at me for! Kiss dammit! Do I have to tell you guys everything! Gawd!"
Torn and Daxter then turned to the assembled crowd.
"Well, this is it." Daxter mumbled, wide-eyed and nervous.
"Um… yeah." The gruff voiced one beside him replied. A sinister grin bloomed on those same lips. "Lets give these folks a show."
And before Dax could protest, Torn dipped then kissed his beloved passionately.
"Awwww!" The crowd chorused.
"Alright! Now that that's over… Let's party!" Seem yelled and jumped off the altar and headed straight for the adjoining ballroom.
Tess just sighed. It was going to be a long night.
A/N: (cackles) This was fun. I was thinking about writing the reception but it just got too long. Oh well. I think I got an idea for a fourth installment. Or maybe I'll just write some Jinxy/Jakkie porn. (grins)