The feeling in the pit of Ben's stomach only got worse as the plane taxied away from the boarding ramp. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore it, but it was no use. Monica was not on the plane, and was not coming back to Washington. Ben was nearly ready to throw up as the plane took off. After his angry, drunken words and threats of the previous night, he and Monica were probably finished for good this time. Ben put his headphones on and began blasting the music, trying to drown his thoughts.
Monica awoke the next morning disheveled, having cried herself to sleep the previous night. It was a cruel irony that she was awakened by brilliant sunshine beaming through her window blinds. She felt she had absolutely nothing to be cheerful about. Monica pulled on her pink terry cloth bathrobe and wandered to the kitchen for an eye opener. She set the bottle of Coors on the small kitchen counter and began to open it. That's when she noticed the plane ticket, sitting on the edge of her desk. She walked over and grabbed it, staring and turning it in her hands. The look on Monica's face grew more and more determined; finally she ripped the boarding pass in two and let the pieces slowly flutter into the trashcan. Now Monica had no way to get to Ben, even if she wanted to. It was really over, once and for all. She opened her Coors and took a long drink, tears welling in the corners of her eyes.
Stepping off the plane at Seattle Tacoma International Airport raised Ben's spirits at least a little. It was like stepping back into a previous world, and felt like slipping into a warm blanket on a winter morning. All of the comfort and familiarity of home returned immediately. Ben slung his duffle bag over his shoulder and walked to out of the terminal. As he waited to collect his bags he stood on tiptoes looking for his parents who were picking him up. Roland spotted his son, standing beside the baggage conveyers in a purple Washington Huskies polo, stone washed blue jeans, and his hiking boots. Amanda, Roland and Ben all shared an embrace in the middle of the busy airport. "God it's good to have you home." Amanda beamed with joy as she looked up at Ben.
"Yeah, your mother has not enjoyed being an empty nester." Roland chuckled as he took Ben's duffle bag from his shoulder. "So how have you been, how's school, how's Monica? And for that matter where's Monica?" Roland looked around and playfully punched Ben's shoulder. Both Roland and Amanda had been told to expect Miss Young to be with him. However, Roland's rapid-fire barrage of questions on served to make the pain in Ben's chest and stomach return. Roland and Amanda both watched their son lower his head and look at the ground. Ben never answered, and his parents didn't need him to. Roland put his arm around Ben. "Son there's a saying about love. If you love someone, you have to set them free. If they come back to you, they're yours forever. If they don't, they were never yours to begin with."
"So this is another test life is throwing at me, that's what you're saying?" Ben asked in a depressed tone as the group collected Ben's luggage and started for the exit. "God I'm so sick of life giving us tests." Ben's hands balled into fists as he walked behind Roland and Amanda.
The Conner family drove back home where Ben saw a surprise waiting for him in the driveway. Roland had received the insurance check from Ben's accident, and a brand new black SAAB sat in the Conner driveway. Ben got out and looked the car over, it was the exact same as the one he'd totaled in Denver. "My god dad, I didn't think I'd ever have a car again." Ben smiled slightly as Roland reached into his pocket and tossed his son the keys.
"Hey, you've got to have some way to get around Denver, besides your gonna pay the increase in insurance like we agreed." Roland pointed a finger at Ben.
Ben sighed and leaned against the top of the car, his face fell at his father's words. "Yeah, get around Denver, listen will talk about that later tonight. We're still on for dinner right? Now I'm going to see Dino and Jon." Ben climbed in and started the SAAB. As he backed out onto the street Roland and Amanda looked at one another.
"He's upset again." Amanda shook her head.
"Monica, what is it about that woman?" Roland shook his head also.
Madsens pool hall had always been a favorite hangout for the three boys. Dino had discovered years ago that the owners were far less than scrupulous when it came to checking ID's before serving alcohol. The place looked like and in fact was and old warehouse. Row upon row of green clothed billiard tables filled the inside. Each pool table had a small round stand for drinks and two bar chairs located at the stand. The floor was actually concrete but had shaggy red carpet put down over it. At the far end from the entrance was a bar and short order kitchen. A series of cocktail waitresses in black shirts and blue jeans patrolled the tables taking drink orders. The place was dimly lit and cigarette smoke hung in the air. Ben parked his SAAB outside and went inside to grab a table. He had no sooner racked the balls then Dino walked through the door followed by Jonathan. Dino wore tight black jeans and his hockey jersey from Seattle Community College. A year of working out and playing college hockey had made Dino stronger and more muscular than Ben remembered. Jonathan was taller and very slender looking particularly when compared against Dino. He wore a blue dress shirt and jeans; his tan windbreaker was unzipped. However, Jon still had a camera hanging from his neck everywhere he went. Each of Ben's friends walked over and grabbed a pool cue before taking seats at the round stand. The three friends looked at each other for several moments before speaking. "You look good Ben." Both said together.
"Thanks, it's so good to be home. Dino man you look, huge, and Jon I see you still carry that freakin camera everywhere." Ben broke the first rack of solids and stripes.
"College hockey is so different, faster, and the dudes I play against are so much bigger." Dino explained as he ordered a pitcher of Miller from a passing waitress.
"Well the camera is how I pay for school." Jonathan explained next. He held up three fingers to the waitress indicating they needed three beer mugs.
All this was familiar ground; the boys had remained in contact through cell phones and instant messengers throughout Ben's year away. Dino decided he'd be Ben's first opponent and stepped to the table once he missed. "Jacks gave it up," he said slyly as he shot.
"What, when?" Ben and Jon demanded in unison, slamming the end of their cues against the ground.
Jonathan held his hand out for a high five and for once Dino obliged him. "Last Saturday, in my dorm. She's seen her father drunk so many times; she finally decided to see what she was missing. One thing lead to another and…" Dino smiled coyly as he stroked the nine ball into a pocket. "I told you both I would not be last."
Jonathan looked at the ground at the comment. "Look, just winning Debs back was a victory for me. She's special and…" Jonathan's voice trailed off, as he had no way to end the sentence.
"You are such a wuss man. I've got Jacks, he's got Miss Young, and you have an elephant." Dino's arrogant tone caused the other two to look away.
"I don't have Miss Young." Ben shut his eyes and leaned on his cue as he started talking. Ben took a long drink from his mug. "I know I said I'd bring her back. But it looks like I'm not gonna be able to keep that promise."
"What, you went all the way down there and got nothing?" Dino asked as he finally missed a shot.
"I didn't get nothing, I found her, and you guys know that. We even started things up again." Ben smashed the cue ball hard pocketing the six ball.
"Then what happened," Jonathan asked as sipped at his beer?
"Basically Monica and I can't agree on where our life should be. I've always thought mine was here; Henry dying made that very clear to me. She on the other hand thinks hers is in Denver." Ben took another long drink from his mug.
"Man that's tough." Dino shook his head as he watched Ben circle the table thinking.
"Sorry man, at least you got to be with her. Most people never get near a hottie like that." Jonathan was trying his best to be comforting.
"Ah I don't know." Ben stopped pacing and tapped his cue on the floor. "It just doesn't seem fair. I mean what we feel for each other is so, so real. Yet life just won't get out of our way. It's not fair to me to have to build an entirely new life away from everyone and everything I ever known. It's not fair to her to have to face the demons of her past. There probably isn't anything either of us can do now anyway. Can we change the subject please?" Ben won the first game with a final shot as he finished his speech. The boys spent the rest of the afternoon drinking and catching up.
Earlier that morning, while Ben was flying home, Jane knocked on Monica's apartment door. "That's a great breakfast." Jane remarked sarcastically as she entered Monica's apartment. Monica was seated at her desk sipping on her Coors. The woman Ben had overheard comforting Monica long ago was in fact a doctorate student in Educational Psychology. Jane was in her late fifties and had gone back to school to earn her doctorate and become the Psychologist in school district that employed her. Jane was stocky and tall, with curly salt and pepper hair, and kindly blue eyes. "Alright spill it honey, what's wrong?"
"Ben, the guy from Washington, I think we broke up again yesterday." Monica swirled the contents of her longneck, much the way Ben had the day before.
Jane let out a sympathetic sigh. "I'm sorry honey."
Monica thought for a moment about how to continue the conversation. Jane had no idea about her past. Finally Monica slammed the bottle down on the desk. "Life just keeps getting in our way."
"What do you mean dear?" Jane took a seat on the bed and stared intently at Monica.
Miss Young thought for several moments before answering. "He asked me to go back with him and visit Washington." Monica took long drink before continuing. "It just isn't fair, Except for this year, Ben lived his whole life in Seattle. It really is his home. I on the other hand, have built a good life here, in Denver, away from my mother." Monica laughed slightly as she mentioned her mom.
Jane chuckled at the comment as well. "So your mom is still in Seattle? That's why you didn't want to go with him?"
"Something like that." Monica was hoping she could avoid telling Jane the rest of the story.
Jane folded her hands between her knees and contemplated her next words. "Does he love you?"
Monica's eyes darted, again she had to think before answering. "Ben says he loves me, and I believe him." Monica's eyes danced, remembering how being with Ben made her feel. "He makes me feel like a princess, the most special person in all the world."
Jane's eyes narrowed. "Honey in my experience that's pretty rare. Maybe you should go?"
Monica's face fell, she finished off the beer and disgustedly threw the empty in the trashcan. "I don't think there's anything either of us can do now."
"It's never too late, that's why they invented death. As long as either of you wants it there's still a chance." Jane folded her arms and stared intently at Monica.
The weight of the stare made Miss Young avert her eyes. Still she managed a slight smile at Jane's comment. "Ya know something? Right now, Ben is probably having this exact same conversation with his friends. In fact I know he is, I can feel it."
"Well if you're so certain, then get on up there and see the man." Jane stood up and rested a hand on Monica's shoulder.
Immediately Monica's face fell again. "I don't know Jane. I just don't know." Miss Young stared straight into Jane's eyes. Like a poker player, she hoped Jane couldn't read her. 'You have no idea how much trouble could be waiting for me.'
Ben returned home that evening to have dinner with his parents. Fettuccini Alfredo was his favorite dish and Amanda made it in honor of his return. The three sat quietly eating at the small dining table in the Conner house, until Ben started a most unexpected conversation. "Mom, dad how would you feel if I moved back here, transferred back to UW?" Ben stopped eating and rested his elbows on the table.
Roland and Amanda both took several moments to process the idea. Roland put down his fork and rested his chin on top of interlaced fingers. "If that's what you want, you're always welcome here."
"You don't even have to ask. You know that right?" Amanda continued, holding her head with a hand.
"I didn't figure you'd object." Ben lowered his eyes and resumed eating.
Roland and Amada exchanged a look. "Son, and I don't believe I'm about to say this, but shouldn't you at least call Monica?" Amada took the initiative and voiced what she and Roland were thinking.
Ben stared at his plate, holding the top of his head in his hands, elbows resting on the table. He took a heavy breath, "Monica and I are never going to be in a fair situation. A phone call won't help. I'm back here, and she's down there. It's over between us, permanently over." Ben put his fork down and started to sniffle as he fought back tears. He had no appetite anymore.
The next day Ben made a to do list and started working on it. Moving back in with his parents was going to require everything from renting a moving truck to going through admissions at UW for a second time. Ben Conner once again found himself depressed as he tended to these errands. At the UW admissions office Ben also found out that Washington didn't accept mid year transfers. So although most of the credits from Denver would be accepted, he'd have to wait until the fall semester before he could actually take classes. Essentially this meant a six-month break before Ben could resume college. Objectively this might not have been so bad, after all it would give him time to settle back home and possibly find a job. However given the events in Monica's apartment, all it did was further Ben's depression. He'd be forced to put his future on hold, for six months this time, and without Monica he felt he had nothing to show for it. As day passed into evening Ben parked his new SAAB in the driveway and dejectedly opened the door to his house. Tired and depressed, all Ben wanted to do was go to bed, however his father was standing in the living room. "Why the sad face son?" Roland crossed his arms and gave a puzzled look.
"Washington doesn't accept transfers mid year, I'm gonna have to wait until the fall to take classes." Ben shook his head and kicked the floor in disgust.
"I see, well I know something that might make you feel better." Roland's face formed into a smirk.
"Dad, I have a headache and I'm in no mood for games," Ben said angrily.
"Alright, no games." Roland held his hands defensively in front of his face. Ben immeidatly heard the sound of footsteps coming down the hallway. As she rounded the corner, a disheveled Ben raised his eyes to meet those of an equally tired and disheveled Monica Young. She was wearing blue jeans and a light blue button front blazer. It was a carefully chosen outfit, the same one she'd worn the first time she'd ever kissed Ben. The world faded into the background as the two lovers stepped toward one another, joy overwhelming both. Ben grabbed her in his arms and squeezed tightly. Monica nestled her head against Ben's chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. Ben placed a hand beneath Monica's chin and lifted it until their eyes met. He leaned in and seized her lips in a soft, short kiss. "Ben, this is not a good idea, my being here. But I'm with you no matter what." Monica's eyes stared at Ben's, the emeralds were full of uncertainty.
In spite of how happy they were to see one another, Ben had never seen Monica look so unsure as at this moment. "No matter what." Ben repeated quietly as he grasped her hands, trying to reassure her. Both of them had completely forgotten Roland was in the room and had witnessed the scene.
That is until he spoke, "You both look hungry, why don't you take her to get some dinner son."
Ben and Monica both flashed Roland an embarrassed glance as they were reminded of his presence. "Yeah, I never thought I'd say this but you look terrible." Ben returned his gaze to Monica, stroking her hair with his fingers.
"Well take a twenty hour bus trip back to Denver and see how you look." Monica shot back.
"You rode on a bus to get here? What happened to the plane ticket?" Ben asked puzzled.
"I tore it up. C'mon, I'll tell you the rest at the restaurant." Monica began to lead Ben out the front door.
"You two are not sleeping together." Roland shouted at them as they left. Both laughed at the comment.
Ben drove Monica to Venchinzos. A classy Italian place about twenty minutes from the Conner home. Monica didn't know it but it was Ben's favorite restaurant. The atmosphere was romantic. Soft green carpet, tables with green checker tablecloths and white mats over the top. Candles centered on each table and dimly lit chandlers hung from the ceiling. The walls were white stucco, but looked yellow in the dim light. There was a large mural map of Italy painted on one wall, while the others had black and white photographs of life in Florence, Venice, and other cites. It was almost 9:30PM and the place was nearly deserted. The host greeted Ben and Monica and led them to a table in the corner. Monica sat with her back to the other tables while Ben faced them from his seat. The two lovers ordered their drinks and food and immediately became lost in one another. "So you not only took a bus trip up here, you asked my dad to stay at our house. Unbelievable!" Ben grasped her hands as he started conversation.
"Well it was either that, or stay with my mother. Please don't let that happen." Monica's eyes did a sexy dance as she quipped.
"I'm just glad you're here." Ben said, shaking his head slightly at his luck. He'd let the love of his life go and she had in fact returned to him.
"You damn well better be. Let me tell you that bus trip may have been the twenty worst hours of my life. Subsisting on nothing but junk food, trying to sleep in those cramped uncomfortable seats, and lets not even mention the stench." Monica was smiling to spite her memories of the bus trip. The waiter brought some ravioli and bread as appetizers and Ben and Monica started to eat while conversing pleasantly. To all but one set of eyes they looked like a lovely couple. However, Ben and Monica didn't notice that set, although it would have wise for them to.
Across the restaurant, in the opposite corner from where Ben and Monica were, sat Sue Miller. She'd recognized the couple immediately when they'd entered to spite the dim light. Sue's deep brown eyes narrowed and burned with jealousy as she flipped open her cell phone and dialed her father. "Daddy I'm at Venchinzos and Ben Conner just walked in here, with Miss Young. They're sitting and eating together, they look like lovers." Sue whined desperately into the cell phone.
On the other end, Mr. Miller's eyes also narrowed to slits. "You're serious? Alright honey, I'll take care of it." Sue flipped her phone closed and stared menacingly at the two lovers.
Mr. Miller made another phone call. "Good evening, Seattle police switchboard." A pleasant female voiced answered.