When I was living at home, I used to imagine how great it would be to live on my own. Now, I can't help wishing I was back home, anywhere but here. When I first move in, it was the greatest thing ever. It felt new, and cool, and free. I was independent...only I wasn't. I depended on Sean to be there, and to I can't stand this place anymore. It's so empty, filled with little reminders of things I really just want to forget.

Like the night we fell asleep on the couch watching some stupid movie instead of doing our homework. Or when I was doing the dishes, and he came up behind me and just held onto me. Even the stupid milk in the stupid fridge reminds me of him. He used to have a bowl of Lucky Charms every night.

Stupid boys.

I never realized before...I pride myself on being an outcast. Being a loner is my forte. I always wanted people to leave me alone, but now that I am, I want nothing more than to be surrounded by people.

Some more than others.

"Arrgh!" I shout, sounding more like a pirate than a frustrated teenager. "I hate this!"

I shoot off the couch like a rocket, so determined to do something...but there was nothing to do. My homework is done and set neatly on the kitchen table, which, by the way, is polished and spotless. The rugs are vacuumed, the kitchen is mopped...okay, so maybe I went into a cleaning frenzy, but I had to do something when I returned home Sean-less.

Sean-less.

Ugh.

Making a mental list as I head into the kitchen an pulled open the fridge, I decided number one, top priority, is : FORGET SEAN!

After all, he decided to stay at Wasaga Beach, right? Obviously he doesn't need me. Doesn't want me.

Okay, okay, I know... I sound childish. He experienced a major trauma, and he needs time to cope, and this is what he thinks is best, and he has to do what's right for him, but... the fact that he decided what he needs most isn't me, selfish as it sounds, it hurt.

A lot.

Okay, I'll admit...when I came home... I cut.

I know, I know! It's stupid, it's dangerous, it's self destructive, blah, blah, woof, woof. I was doing so well, and I threw it all away on something so stupid as rejection. That wasn't really rejection, was it? Either way, I was more upset by that than Sean's decision.

I threw away my razors.

I'd like to say I left them in the trash, but of course, I rescued them at the last minute. Still, I don't plan to use them any time soon. I know I need a different coping mechanism, so...I'll find one. I'll deal.

I'll wait for Sean to figure out it's really better for him to be here with me.

Or wait to realize he's done the right thing.

Whatever.

For now, I think I'll just clean out the fridge. Leftover Chinese fromtwo weeks ago? No.

As I toss the cartons into the trash, I glance at the phone for a moment, suddenly hit with the desire to call.

But no. I won't be the first to call. I'll let him.

Besides, I'm pretty sure I don't even have the number.

So there.