Disclaimer: OMG LOL I own Harry Potter. jk. ;-)
Dobby finds Love
Dobby's life was lonely. His entire life was based around work, with no time for socializing or fun things in general. He felt that he needed a mate. The longer he dwelled on this, the more angry he became. "If somebody doesn't find me a wife soon I'm gonna blow this entire fucking kitchen straight to hell!" he yelled one morning in the kitchens. The rest of the House-elves looked frightened, except for Winky, who was passed out on the floor in a puddle of vomit.
When nobody directly addressed his request he stormed out and decdided that if those other lazy-ass elves weren't gonna find him a wife, he was gonna have to do it himself. This, of course, is much easier said than done, and Dobby decided first to compile a list of eligible bachelorettes. After 4 grueling hours of figuring out how to use a god-damn fucking quill and 15 minutes of actual list-making, Dobby had a comprehensive list compiled.
Professor McGonagall
Winky
Parvati
Professor Sinistra
Pansy Parkinson
That was it. Everybody else in the entire fucking school was taken, for shit's sake. Even that great ugly whale-of-a-woman Madame Pomfrey was married. After an hour of pondering over the list, he crossed out Winky and Sinistra. Winky was probably dead by now, as none of the house-elves cared about her, and Sinistra was just a fucking lunatic.
This left McGonagall, Parvati, and Pansy. He made an extensive list of the pros and cons of each of them. In the end Pansy had 29 pros and 14 cons. Parvati had 19 pros and 23 cons. McGonagall had 6 pros and the ungodly amount of 329 cons. 329 fucking cons. Holy shit. The choice was clear. Pansy Parkinson was to be his new mate.
Luckily, Pansy was so undesirable to the male population as a whole that she didn't have a boyfriend. This made it too fucking easy for Dobby. All he had to do was get her very high, marry her quickly, and that was that. It couldn't be any easier.
Dobby's plan went without a hitch. While Pansy was a bit resistive at first, she quickly got used to being married with a house-elf. They had mind-blowing sex every night. Soon they had a baby, which strongly resembeled a midget-sized Arnold Schwarzaneggar. Arnold Schwarzaneggar, for shit's sake! Can you fucking believe that crazy shit?
The rest of the school wasn't so accepting. Dumbledore, ashamed that such an offensive act had taken place at Hogwarts, killed himself. The school was plunged into chaos. But Pansy and Dobby were not aware of all of this, because the were always having sex. In fact, they had almost non-stop sex until they died. That's so fucking awesome. Sweet.
Then Harry Potter defeated Voldemort. Then he got married to Ginny. Then Ron and Hermione got married. And then a bunch of stuff common to about 100,000 other stories happened. And all the while Pansy and Dobby had 25 more kids, including 4 sets of twins. That's a hell of a lot of kids. Fuck.
And I suppose they lived happily ever after. The end.