Disclaimer: the only thing I own is the "box", myself, and my pet rat.

This is my first story written in script form, so be nice! This takes place after Daniel comes back. I don't like Daniel so much so that's why he's the one miserable.

CaSt . . .

Daniel Jackson

Jack O'Neil

Samantha Carter

Teal'c

GOD (only god, which is your author, can speak in all capitals!)

General Hammond

My pet rat, Darla

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Episode 1.0 – Introduction

"I hope not, that would mean I'm alive again."

"Yeah god forbid that happens." Those were the last words Jack exchanged with Daniel. And he couldn't believe it. Daniel was alive again.

JACK – Why do you torture me God? This wasn't in his contract!

GOD - IT IS NOW. HA HA HA HA! BUT DON'T WORRY, I'LL MAKE IT MISERABLE FOR HIM. I LIKED JONAS ANYWAY.

Jonas, Sam, Teal'c and Daniel walk in. Sam is holding her pretty princess Barbie

TEAL'C – who are you talking to?

JACK – god. She calls herself blackvendetta.

TEAL'C – hm. raises eyebrow

DANIEL – I don't think I was supposed to be back.

JONAS – so leave.

DANIEL – I can't.

JONAS – I'd be glad to kill you.

SAM – why do you get to do it? Anyway, Daniel's a ghost, he can't die.

DANIEL – I am not a ghost! How many times must I tell you!

SAM – until you prove it.

DANIEL – here. Let me touch you. I' won't through. Daniel puts out hand but Sam pulls away

SAM – don't touch me you supernatural being from hell! It's okay Barbie, he can't hurt you!

GOD - HEY EVERYONE, I HAVE A NEW NICKNAME FOR DANIEL!

JONAS – what? I want to call him nasty things! Tell me, tell me!

GOD - CALL HIM. . . YUK-YUK DANIEL

JACK – hey. . . that's funny! Yuk-Yuk for short!

DANIEL – what!

SAM – yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk! That's silly. I like it!

Sam, Teal'c and Jack leave. Jonas, God and Daniel are left alone.

JONAS – so Yuk-Yuk. Just you and me. evil grin.

GOD - AND ME.

DANIEL – um, uh. . . classic confused face as he backs into the wall. I didn't want to take your place.

JONAS – so why did you?

DANIEL – don't know. They gave it to me.

JONAS - do you know what the word "no" means?

GOD - STEAL HIS GLASSES!

Jonas grabs them

DANIEL – Ha! I don't need them! I have contacts on too, sucker! sticks tongue out Jonas grabs Daniel's tongue and whaps him in the back of the head causing his contacts to fall out.

GOD - YAY JONAS! KISSES! blows a kiss to Jonas

JONAS – lets go of Daniel's tongue who's the sucker now, huh?

DANIEL – help! I can't see! pause NOT!

GOD - GASP! PUNISHMENT FOR YUK-YUK. ONLY I, YOUR GOD AND AUTHOR, MAY SPEAK IN CAPITALS! KICK HIM WHERE IT HURTS JONAS!

JONAS – his shin?

GOD - NO, THE OTHER PLACE.

JONAS – his nose?

GOD - NO! HIS NUTS!

JONAS – oh, okay. Jonas kicks Daniel's bag of cashews.

DANIEL – Noooo! My favorite kind. And there all BRO. . .

GOD - AHEM. CAPITALS.

DANIEL – broken.

JONAS – I think I will sing now.

GOD - WHAT SONG?

JONAS – Clay Akien's "Invisible".

GOD - GOOD CHOICE. PURE TORTURE. MIND IF I JOIN IN?

JONAS – not at all. God and Jonas sing. Daniel sinks to ground on knees covering his ears

DANIEL – it burns! It burns! HELP!

GOD – stops mid-verse DID YOU DO WHAT I THOUGHT YOU DID?

DANIEL – oops.

Jonas lifts legs and kicks

DANIEL – Noooo! Not the pistachios!

LATER IN SGC MEETING ROOM. . .

Jonas, Sam, Jack, Teal'c, Daniel, and General Hammond sit around the table. God watches from above with her pet rat Darla sitting on her shoulder. Daniel mourns over his nuts.

DANIEL – my poor nuts!

GEN. H – The Tokra have requested for me to send three of my SG-1 members to help them with a Goul'd attack and I have already chosen.

JACK – who?

GEN. H – Jonas, Daniel, and God.

SAM – hey!

JACK – God isn't a member of SG-1!

GOD - I AM NOW. politely shows badge

DANIEL – oh, no!

JONAS – oh, yes!

GATEROOM . . .

Jonas, Daniel, and God are ready to step through the gate. Jack, Sam, Teal'c and Gen. H watch from the room above

GEN. H – dial out.

TECH – dialing out!

JONAS – won't this be fun?

GOD - YES

DANIEL – no. gate opens. Jonas puts a hand on Daniel's back

JONAS – shall we go?

SAM – bye Daniel's ghost!

DANIEL – slaps forehead oh, man.

2 DAYS LATER AFTER THEY HAVE RETURNED . . .

SGC MEETING ROOM . . .

everyone sits around table. God watches from above with pet rat Darla. Daniel has a black eye. Jonas and God are fine.

GEN. H – was it a success?

DANIEL – define success.

GEN. H – any complaints? Daniel?

DANIEL – yes! If you don't tell Jonas to stop kicking my nuts. . .

GEN. H – I'll look into it. leaves. Everyone else stays

SAM – we should have a party!

TEAL'C – indeed.

DANIEL – why? Nothing's happened.

GOD - GREAT REASON.

DANIEL – what's happened to you guys? You've all changed while I was dead!

JACK – naw. . . really? Have I changed Sam?

SAM – no. now that's a reason to have a party!

GOD - RIGHT ON SISTA!

DANIEL – WHat!

GOD - SMART, CATCHING YOURSELF LIKE THAT. TIME TO PARTY!

table disappears. Food, streamers, confetti, and pin the tail on Anubis. Party music. Everyone wearing party hats. Teal'c has two on. Daniel's confused.

DANIEL - I don't understand. What happened to you guys!

JONAS – something called "insanity – after – losing – a – loved – one – who – has – suddenly – come – back – to – life."

DANIEL- Oh. . . can you cure it? Do you have it?

JONAS – I don't have it. I just dislike you horribly. You messed up my experiment back on my planet. It can be cured, yes. Jonas begins dancing to Ashlee Simpson.

DANIEL – how?

JONAS – ask God.

GOD – I ANI'T TELLING YOU! I'M HAVING TOO MUCH FUN!

at that moment, Teal'c grabs Daniel and begins to waltz with him.

DANIEL – I wish I was still dead!

JONAS – easily done. raises plastic spoon

DANIEL – just kidding

JONAS – oh.

Teal'c continues dancing with Daniel.

DANIEL – God, help me! See! No capitals!

GOD - OH, OKAY. sends pet rat Darla down to nibble on Teal'c's fingers. Teal'c runs away.

DANIEL – thanks.

GOD - HMPH.

JACK – look what I can do! jumps out of window. Remember setting. He jumps out into gateroom area.

DANIEL – Jack! looks at God I hate not being able to use all capitals.

SAM – JACK! Sam uses all capitals. God says and does nothing.

DANIEL – wait a minute. . .

everyone rushes to window. Looks down to see Jack bobbing up and down in their newly installed above ground pool. Everyone calms down except Daniel.

TEAL'C – I forgot about the pool we installed there.

SAM – oh, yeah.

JONAS – I forgot too!

DANIEL – a pool! You installed a pool in the gateroom?

JACK – a heated pool! Jack climbs out.

SAM – you should see what we did to your old room. Come here.

everyone walks to Daniel's old room, even a dripping Jack. The room is now a bar.

DANIEL – how did you. . . ? this room seems a lot bigger.

JACK – yeah, we ran out of room so we had to knock down the wall of your office next door.

DANIEL – where's all my stuff! Did you throw it away?

SAM – no. God has it.

DANIEL - can I have it back?

GOD - NO.

DANIEL – ple. . .

GOD - AND NO, "PLEASE" ISN'T GOING TO WORK THIS TIME.

TEAL'C – looks at watch. excuse me, but Desperate Housewives will be on soon. But now its time for Charmed, first.

JACK – oh, good! Come on Daniel, join us. We have popcorn.

SAM - and gummy worms.

JONAS – and sometimes, hot chocolate.

GOD - IT'S LOADS OF FUN!

DANIEL – what the hey. But after that, we need to come back here and I must talk to you all seriously.

SAM – sorry. After Desperate Housewives we all have a sleepover and crawl into bed. How about tomorrow morning, after breakfast, in the meeting room?

TOMORROW MORNING, AFTER BREAKFAST, IN THE MEETING ROOM. . .

party stuff still up. Everyone, except God, sitting on pillows on the floor. They are lined up in a row in front of Daniel. God and pet rat Darla watch from above. Sam still in pjs and wearing a party hat.

SAM – mornin' everyone.

DANIEL – listen guys. I want to talk to you about what's going on. . .

JONAS – hey do you min if I turn on Z100? I like to listen in the mornings. They do horoscopes. turns it on without waiting for an answer

TEAL'C – I'm a Taurus!

SAM – I'm a Virgo!

JACK – ooo! Ooo! I'm a Scorpio!

JONAS – Pisces all the way!

GOD - HEY! YOU TOO, JONAS? YAY!

Daniel sighs and takes off his glasses, rubbing his face obviously annoyed.

DANIEL – you guys are acting like 7 year olds.

SAM – We know.

JACK – yeah. While you were out we decided to try a new outlook on life.

DANIEL – so you chose to act like 7 year olds.

JONAS – yup.

TEAL'C – indeed.

alarm goes off. Tech comes over the loud speaker.

TECH – unauthorized visitor! SG-1 to gateroom!

SAM – AAAAHHHH! I'm not dressed!

TEAL'C – I didn't finish my cake!

JONAS – I didn't hear my horoscope yet!

JACK – I'm too tired!

Daniel realized that he would have to be the one in charge. He hoped he could get his position changed to Colonel by noon.

End episode one. I hope you liked it and didn't take this too seriously. I'm just having fun! Stay tuned for Episode 1.1 – Anubis for Afternoon Tea! REVIEW!