Episode three is here! Don't worry, in future episodes, they will go off planet. . . that's when the water pistols come in.
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Episode 1.2 – Conflagration in the Cafeteria
con·fla·gra·tion - n. A large destructive fire.
BY THE INDOOR POOL SIDE. . .
(They all agreed to have the next meeting by the pool. Now all they had to do was decide what to meet about.)
GEN. H – has anything gone wrong?
DANIEL – well, actually. . . Jonas still kicks my nuts. I had to buy more last night.
SAM – so that's where you went. I was kicking your butt at snakes and ladders. When my head was turned you ran!
DANIEL – yeah, well. . .
JONAS – we have NOTHING to meet about!
DANIEL – (to God) Jonas just used capitals!
GOD - /AND. . . YOUR POINT./
DANIEL – If I used them, you would punish me! How come it's only me!
TEAL'C – maybe God has a, what do you call it, crush on you Daniel Jackson.
(everyone starts to laugh. Daniel blushes. God speaks and the room shakes.)
GOD - /WHAT? HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH A HORRIBLE THING! YOU KNOW MY LOVE IS FOR ONE PERSON AND ONE PERSON ONLY/
JACK – who?
(Jonas grins widely, assuming it's him. But remember :"when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me!")
GOD - /OKAY SO I LIED, I HAVE A LIST OF 79 PEOPLE THAT I LIKE./
JONAS – am I on it?
GOD - /YES. YOU'RE NUMBER FOUR. NONE OF YOU OTHER IDIOTS ARE ON IT THOUGH./
SAM – aw, shucks.
GOD - /DANIEL, YOU'RE ON MY "THINGS I HATE LIST"/
DANIEL – Aw. Gee, thanks. I'm touched.
GEN. H – well, since this is getting nowhere, I have to go clip my nails! Bye!
SGC MEETING ROOM. . .
(Daniel, God, Sam, and Jack sit on the floor. Jonas lays between them where the table should be flat on his back, legs and arms spread out. Table is still missing.)
JONAS – I am SO bored. . .
JACK – are we ever going to get our table back?
GOD - /EVENTUALLY./
SAM – how do you know that?
GOD - /OH, PLEASE! I'M THE AUTHOR, I KNOW WHERE IT IS/
DANIEL – you know where the table is!
GOD - /WELL, DUH I PUT IT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE/
TEAL'C – well, we could make something happen.
JACK – what, cause a problem ourselves, then pretend we didn't do it, then fix it and get them to love us more than they already do?
JONAS – We did that yesterday. . .
SAM – we could go camping in the cafeteria!
TEAL'C – I've always wanted to roast marshmallows!
SGC CAFETERIA. . .
(all the tables and chairs are cleared out. A giant tent is set up and sleeping bags surround a pile of sticks in the middle of the room. The lights are off.)
SAM – this is amazing!
GOD - /THANKS. I HAD SOME HELP FROM TRANKY THOUGH./
DANIEL – Who's Tranky?
GOD - /OH, YOU'LL MEET IT LATER/
DANIEL – it?
(everyone ignores Daniel's question. Sam turns off the lights and they all sit around the pile of sticks. Daniel finally realizes what the sticks are for.)
DANIEL – whoa, whoa, whoa. . .
JACK – what?
DANIEL – you are not seriously considering lighting a fire in here? An enclosed area?
SAM – how else are we supposed to roast marshmallows?
TEAL'C – speaking of marshmallows. . . (pulls a large bag of them out from behind his back. Everyone – except Daniel – cheers. Jonas pulls out six sticks. Jack pulls out a box of matches and lights one, throwing it on the pile of sticks on the floor.)
DANIEL – there is no way this is going to turn out good. . .
GOD - /YOU MEAN "THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS GOING TO TURN OUT WELL. WELL. PROPER ENGLISH DANIEL. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT./
DANIEL – Jesus Christ!
GOD - /YOU BETTER WATCH IT, BUSTER. JUST YOU WAIT. . ./
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER. . .
(smoke is creeping out from the crack in the door into the hallway. There is yelling inside the room. The door finally slams open and people in the hallway can see the largest fire ever in the middle of the cafeteria and it's spreading.)
JACK – somebody find a fire extinguisher!
DANIEL – I'm going to die! (pause) Again!
SAM – I need help! Where the heck is the fire extinguisher!
GOD – (singing) /IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT – IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT – IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT – AND I FEEL FIIIIIIIINNNNNNNE. . . /
TEAL'C – (was just handed the extinguisher.) I got it! I'm going in!
(goes in and turns it on. Fire eventually goes out. The group is covered in ashes and coughing from the smoke)
JONAS – Oh, no! Everything is ruined. We couldn't even make it last an hour.
SAM – I wasn't paying attention. What caused this to happen anyway?
JACK – Teal'c picked up the wrong bag of marshmallows. He picked up the ones that we found on that planet last month. The exploding ones.
SAM – so you dropped one in the fire?
JACK – no.
SAM – So the bag exploded?
JACK – not exactly.
SAM – then what happened!
JACK – Jonas dropped on the floor. He forgot to tell Daniel do he sat on it. It exploded on Daniel's butt so he stood up too quickly. He turned on the fan to cool down his butt, but he pointed the fan toward the fire by accident and it got bigger.
GOD - /I'LL SEND IN A CREW LED BY TRANKY TO CLEAN IT UP FOR YOU. WE SHOULD ALL GET CLEANED UP OURSELVES./
(everyone begins walking away. God gets off her cellphone. Daniel turns to her.)
DANIEL – are we ever going to meet Tranky?
GOD - /BE PATIENT! I TOLD YOU, YOU'LL MEET IT LATER/
DANIEL – it?
I hop you liked this one! Sorry I took so long to update. Next one is on it's way!