I managed to write this chapter before I have to leave for vacation so hopefully you can wait until next week for chapter seven! Sorry in advanced if there's any spelling errors or anything, I didn't have time to quadruple check it today (and my old computer only has WordPad so no spell check for me .). Love you all :)

James

There was only one word to describe it.

Numb.

I couldn't feel anything. I was stunned. Frozen.

Confused.

I didn't know what to do expect to just stand there. I didn't move from that spot for at least twenty minutes. I was just there, staring, hoping that maybe I would just stop. Just cease to exist all together. I didn't want to move an inch, because when I did, I knew the enevitable would happen. I would have to move on.

Without her.

After what seemed like years I somehow managed to gain feeling back in my legs and I slowly made my way up the stairs, not really paying attention to where I was going but knowing where my destination was all the same. I don't remember walking up the stairs, into the dorm, and flopping down on my bed, yet here I am.

Without her.

The words still didn't sink in. It was kind of like calling out to someone with the same name as you. It just wasn't right.

Right.

What didn't I do right? I wasn't forward, I asked politely, well, as politely as I could while feeling like my stomach was going to explode. I just don't understand. And what was with yellow? Was it some sort of code word? No, you're too yellow to go out with, I want someone more green. What the hell?

And why did she run?

That was what bothered me most. She didn't even look at me. She just ran. And boy could that girl run. Why couldn't she though with those legs...

I heaved a sigh and stared up at my ceiling. There was a huge knot in my chest, making it hard to breath. I kind of wish the knot would grow so I wouldn't be able to breath any more. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this, any of this, any more. It shouldn't be this way. This hard. I rolled over on my side and rested my head on my pillow. My eyes fell on Padfoot, asleep in his bed. It wasn't hard for Padfoot. He could get any girl he wanted. All he had to do was wink.

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. I don't know what to do.

Should I really keep my promise?

Should I really give up?

A simple question with the hardest answer you can imagine. It reminded me of the talks I had with Lily. We would always ask each other questions, questions I would never ask anyone else. We'd be patroling the halls late at night together, her being Head Girl and me Head Boy, and she'd just ask me things I never really thought about before. Where did I see myself in twenty years? What would it be like living in the founders time? Do I want kids? What would I name them? It sounds kind of corny, but I really love talking with her. Meaningful talks. And she makes my answers seem like they really mean something, even if sometimes they do stink. And she has the most wonderful voice, calm and soothing, sure of life. Her answers always follow a long silence, always having so much thought put into them. It was comforting, talking with Lily. Listening to Lily. Being with Lily.

But maybe that wasn't an option. Maybe I couldn't be with her. After all, I tried for seven years, and look where I am.

Without her.

Something cold and wet rolled down my cheek.

Lily just doesn't feel the same about me. You'd think after seven years she'd develop feelings for me, more than friend feelings, but I guess not. I guess it's just not meant to be.

At this point, I didn't care. I just allowed the tears to fall. Just silently roll down my cheek, soaking my pillow, letting it all out. Everything. My frustration at myself, knowing that I wasn't good enough, at Lily because I couldn't get her to like me, and even at Padfoot because he got any girl he fancied. I cried in anger, because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't seem to get her, because I wasted seven years trying to reach the unreachable, because I went for the impossible and failed. But most of all I cried in sadness, because I realized the truth.

I was meant to be without her.