Notes: This one is a little post-modern. And if the style is all wonky, it's because the stupid document manager won't let me preview. As usual, feedback, chocolate, and sexual favors are appreciated.

TRANSCRIPT OF EVENTS OCCURING AFTER UNSUCESSFUL LAUNCH OF OPERATION RETURN FRANK

PERSONS INVOLVED:

Jia Xin Lin ("Monica")
Sophie McCallum ("Sophie")
Grace Polk ("Grace")
Benjamin Lindsay Stetler-Musters ("Ben")
Andre Don'tknowhislastname ("Andre")

TIME: 9:05 PM

LOCATION: Basement of Engineering Building

Grace: Turn off that damn thing, Ben. This so isn't the time for Spider Solitaire.

Ben: I'm not playing Spider Solitaire.

Monica: He isn't. He's typing out everything we're saying. Hey, you spelled my name right.

Ben: Wasn't that hard. Andre, what's your last name?

Sophie: Your middle name's Lindsay?

Ben: Shut up, it's a family name, okay?

Grace: Can we focus on getting the hell out of here?

Monica: I'm focusing. There's no way out. Do you see a window? Do you see a door? One that isn't locked?

Sophie: I have a bobby pin if any of you want to jimmy the door open.

Grace: Aren't you the expert criminal around here?

Sophie: Well, yeah, but this isn't an episode of The O.C.

Monica: And they didn't manage to open the door anyway. They had to crawl through an air vent.

Ben: Like we're really going to fit through an air vent.

Andre: Should we start looking for an air vent?

Sophie: This is so not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.

Grace: Dude, we wouldn't be here in the first place if you hadn't stolen Saint Francis.

Sophie: Hey, I wasn't the one who wanted to return him. I was happy to keep Frank in my room. I loved having Frank in my room. He used to watch over me with all this sage and wisdom in his eyes.

Grace: He's a block of concrete.

Sophie: Monnie!

Monica: Grace, leave her alone, okay? I told her to return Frank. Of course, I told her to put him back in the religious studies department but she didn't listen to me, which is why we're stuck in the fucking engineering building.

Andre: Why do you even have an engineering building? Your school is only famous for its liberal arts.

Ben: The Cornell rejects come here.

Sophie: I thought it was the MIT rejects.

Ben: No, the MIT rejects go to Cornell.

Grace: Well, I guess we've all learned the moral of this story. Cornell rejects come to our school, and we should never return anything we steal.

Monica: Grace, I usually find your sarcasm to be somewhat amusing

Grace gives Monica death glare.

Sophie: I don't think you're supposed to put these actions into the transcript.

Ben: Bite me.

It's his transcript and he shall do whatever he wants.

Monica: but we can't afford to be bickering right now. They're watching us. They want us to turn against each other. We have to stick together.

Ben: Who's watching us?

Monica: The people who run this place. Possibly the FBI. The CIA. God.

Sophie: Well, if the FBI is watching us, I hope Agent Mulder will come and let us out.

Ben: I was actually hoping for a Sydney Bristow type.

Monica: Laugh all you want, but it's true. Haven't you guys ever watched Big Brother?

Grace: This is just fantastic. I'm stuck in a room with four psychopaths.

Andre: Ben, does your computer have internet access? Can you email someone and ask them to find us?

Ben: That is brilliant, Andre. Let me try.

Ben: Fuck, fuck, no internet service. In the fucking engineering building, of all places.

Sophie: So what do we do now?

Grace: Wait in passive resistance until we die. That's one option.

Ben: I had that one in mind. Which is why I'm writing this all down. So whoever finds us will know exactly what happened. Sort of like an unopened letter to the world.

Grace: The world will delight in finding out that Sophie has a compulsive stealing habit, and that Monica suffers from paranoia.

Monica: And that Ben's middle name is Lindsay. Don't forget that.

Sophie: Hey, Ben, can you change my name on this thing?

Ben: Why?

Sophie: In case we die here and what not. I want to sound more interesting. Put me down as Sophocles.

Ben: All right.

Grace: Sophocles?

Monica: Sophocles?

Sophocles: Yeah.

Ben: Does anybody else want to change their name?

Nobody else wishes to change his or her name. Time passes. Room grows hot. Hypothesis: room is beside boiler room? Hypothesis #2: Engineering building gets better heating system than buildings for arts classes. Blatant favoritism on university's part. Must inquire into the matter and possibly sue. If not dead, of course.

Ben: Is it just me, or is it getting really hot in here?

Monica: I bet they're trying to sweat us out. Or make us get all hot and bothered and force us to have, like, a group orgy. And then they'll take pictures and blackmail us.

Grace: This paranoia thing is getting insane. Even for you.

Monica: Hi, pot! I'm kettle!

Sophocles: I don't care. I'm not having a group orgy.

Andre: You know what we need? Something to distract us.

Grace: From the fact that we're trapped in a closet with a tropical climate?

Ben: Yeah, I'm hungry. Any of you got food?

Monica: Here. Goldfish crackers. Also . . . Reese's Pieces. Don't look at me like that, I was a Brownie. They drilled it into our heads. Always be prepared.

Grace: Typical. Brainwashing children at an early age. Damn cultists.

Ben: Ew, these are pizza-flavored goldfish! Why do they keep raping and pillaging the sacred memories of my favorite childhood snacks?

Grace: Crass commercialism by corporate morons. Pass the candy, dude.

Sophocles: Here. I don't eat peanut butter.

Monica: What's going to happen when the food runs out?

Sophocles: Well, I watched this episode of CSI: Miami, where there were these three college guys. They were stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, right? So two of them killed the third one and ate him.

Grace: Resorting to animal instincts, are we? Should we have a vote over who sic we should kill and eat first?

Monica: Democracy's a crock. You know that, Grace.

Grace: You really have no concept of irony, do you?

Sophocles: I vote Ben.

Ben: Hey, I'm on your side. I'm changing your name back.

Monica: This is so Lord of the Flies. Which is what they want! We have to stay as a team against the common enemy!

Ben: I find it increasingly difficult to understand why I'm friends with you people.

Grace: A-fucking-men.

Monica: It's easy for you to say. Your ancestors weren't killed by communists.

Grace: Neither were yours. Dude, you were born in Winnipeg.

Sophie: We're not really going to die here, are we?

Andre: Of course not.

Sophie: 'Cause it really wouldn't be so bad. I mean, at least we're not alone. I've got you freaks around.

Monica: And Frank.

Sophie: And Frank.

Monica: He happens to be the patron saint against dying alone.

Grace: You couldn't have stolen the patron saint of locksmiths instead.

Sophie: I change my vote to Grace.

Ben: I'll change your name back.

Sophocles: Thanks.

Andre: We need a game to distract us.

Ben: How about Truth or Dare?

Grace: No.

Monica: No.

Sophocles: No.

Grace: Everyone lies.

Monica: And nobody ever does the dares.

Ben: Fine. I'll play Spider Solitaire then. By myself.

Andre: What will be the first thing you do once we get out of here?

Monica: Seriously?

Andre: Seriously.

Monica: Go to the bathroom. I really need to pee.

Grace: Destroy the lock on that stupid door.

Ben: Call my lawyer if they try to arrest us for breaking and entering.

Andre: No, I mean something important.

Ben: Legal representation is important.

Andre: Okay. Suppose we're all going to die here tonight --- which we're not, but let's just say that we were. And then suddenly somebody frees us and we're given a second chance to life. What's something important that you're going to do?

Monica: Well, I'd probably develop Lazurus syndrome. I mean, I'd be all used to the fact that I was dying and then BOOM, I get to live the rest of my life. What the hell am I gonna do?

Andre: I think. I think we should all do something that scares us once we get out of here.

Sophocles: Like watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

Grace: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

Ben: It's a scary movie.

Monica: You know what else is a scary movie? A Little Princess. I used to have nightmares that my mom would die and my dad would serve in the army and I'd have to work as a slave for my school principal.

Andre: No, guys, I mean something more personal. I think we should all make ourselves do something that really scares us.

Sophocles: Why does it have to scare us?

Andre: Because once we do it, it wouldn't scare us anymore. We'd be brave. We won't have it hanging over our heads.

Ben: I hate it when you get all philosophical.

Silence. Humming of machines next door. Possible indicator of water boiler about to explode? Do not suggest this possibility to Monica.

Monica: I could start reading for Lit class.

Grace: What?

Monica: I've never ever read a single book for Lit. I buy the audio books online and listen to them. How do you think I got through Jane Eyre?

Sophocles: Whatever. Reading is not scary.

Monica: Have you seen my hardcover copy of Ulysses?

Andre: I got it. Monica, you have to tell your parents that you're not actually in premed.

Ben: Your parents think you're in premed?

Monica: My parents still think I'm a virgin. But yeah, they think I'm in premed. I'm going to give them a stroke when they find out I'm majoring in religious studies. They'll think I'll end up having to work at a bubble tea place like my brother.

Grace: Well, you can't hide it forever. They always find out. Asses.

Monica: But I can try. Okay, this is stupid. I don't want to do this anymore, Andre.

Andre: You don't have to if you don't want to.

Monica: Oh, don't give me that look. How can I not do it when you give me that look?

Sophocles: I could eat peanut butter.

Ben: How is that scary? You got food allergies?

Sophocles: No. I'll tell you, but you can't feel sorry for me, okay?

Grace: I don't feel sorry for anybody.

Monica: Yeah. What she said.

Sophocles: Change my name back. I want to be myself for this.

Ben: You're so annoying.

Sophie: Okay. Well. The reason why I don't eat peanut butter is that when I was about six years old, my mom got up and left one day and I was, like, stuck in the house alone. There was nothing in the house to eat except a jar of peanut butter, so I ate that. Scooped it out with my fingers and ate the whole jar. It lasted me for three days until somebody found me. After that, I didn't eat peanut butter anymore. Makes me throw up.

Sophie: Oh, come on, guys. You promised you wouldn't feel sorry for me. Look, I'm okay. I really am. I'm over it. You know what, I'm going to go sit beside Andre. Sitting beside Andre always makes me feel better.

More silence. Close game of Spider Solitaire. Grace looks at wall. Monica lies with eyes closed. Sophie sits in Andre's lap. He puts his hands on her head, almost as though he is giving her a benediction.

Monica: My eyes are not closed. And stop adding adjectives into the transcript.

Ben: They're not adjectives. They're similes.

Sophie: I thought of something scary for Grace to do.

Grace: No. No way. I'm not playing this stupid game.

Sophie: You are such a sore sport.

Ben: Let's hear it first.

Sophie: Grace has to tell someone that she loves him. Or her. And she has to mean it. And the word "fuckface" must not be involved.

Monica: Fuckface?

Sophie: Yeah, like, she can't go up to Caroline and be all sarcastic and say, "I love you, fuckface."

Grace: This is stupid.

Sophie: Chicken.

Grace: How can I be chicken when what you're asking me to do isn't remotely frightening? I mean, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is scarier than that.

Andre: I think it's scary.

Monica: How?

Andre: It's scary because you don't know if that person is going to say it back. And even if he or she does, it's still scary because you said it. And if you mean it, that makes it real. And it's scary to look at your own feelings sometimes, because it reminds you that you're not as tough as you think.

Monica: Andre, do you secretly work for Lifetime?

Grace: Leave Andre alone.

Ben: So are you up for this or not, Grace?

Sudden noise coming from door. Door opens and enters surprised night janitor ("Janitor").

Janitor: What are you kids doing here?

Sophie: Group orgy.

Monica: We'll be on our way.

Sophie: Bye, Frank.

Monica: Bye, Frank.

Ben: Bye, Frank.

Grace: Bunch of freaks.

Janitor: My name is Ralph.

END OF TRANSCRIPT

CONCLUSION: OPERATION RETURN FRANK V. SUCCESSFUL.

Ben sends the document to Grace a few weeks after Operation Return Frank. By then everyone has almost forgotten about it, Grace most of all. Being locked in a room with four nutcases and the patron saint of Assisi is another one of those memories about college that she plans to bury deep within the sewers of her psyche, and let her defense mechanisms take over.

Nobody has mentioned anything about the "scary something's" they were all supposed to do. Sophie still steers clear of peanut butter, and as far as Grace knows, Monica's parents are still convinced Monica is well on her way to Harvard Medical School.

But seeing the document again (Ben has, just for fun, named it grouporgy.doc) reminds Grace of what she was asked to do. And for some weird reason she cannot quite explain, she wants to do it. She hates being scared, but then she is always the first one in line to ride the roller coaster at the county fair. When she was around seven years old, she and Adam watched all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies alone in the basement of his house, with the lights turned off and the curtains drawn shut.

She stares at the computer screen for a solid half-hour, until her eyes start to water. Finally, ignoring the little voice in her head that says, "You are a complete idiot for doing what you're about to do. I'm telling you, don't do it," she saves Ben's document under a new name, and uploads it as an attachment to her email.

Before sense and reason can kick in, she types in Luke's email address and sends the message off into cyberspace. She figures that this is the closest she will ever get to saying it to him.