Lily

I spent the whole afternoon crying. Thank Merlin I didn't have any classes, who knows what condition I'd be in. I let the tears fall like there was no tomorrow. It just wasn't right. It wasn't supposed to be like this. All the movies, all the romance novels, all the plays, they all ended right. But no, not life. Not my life at least. It was the absolute opposite, and it wasn't fair. But as a wise man, or should I say pessimistic man, once said: Life isn't fair. How true. How horribly, horribly true.

I let out a small gasp as I remembered something else.

The ball was tomorrow night. I couldn't stand the thought. How could I go? I'm a total wreck. Why would I want to go? No James, no happiness, no anything. Que more tears.

I didn't know what time it was, but it was after dinner. The dormitory door opened, and in came the voice of my savior.

"Lily Elizabeth Evans!"

I raised my head slightly off my pillow to see a blurred version of my best friend stomping over to me, looking less than pleased.

"Cin?"

"Lily! Look at you! You're an absolute mess! I've never seen you like this. Did someone die?" Cindy demanded, sitting on the edge of my bed.

I thought about this for a moment. In all truth, someone did die. Me. Or at least, a part of me. But I really, really didn't feel like talking about it, not even to Cin.

"No," I sniffed, sitting up. "I don't want to talk about it Cin."

"Aha! Boy troubles. Been there. Not fun. You don't have to tell me about it, I totally understand about that. But what you do need to do is stop moping around. Rule number one: Never, ever cry over a boy. Why? Here's one of my favorite quotes, it should help explain. 'No guy is worth crying over, and when you find one that is he won't make you cry.' Now, what do we do?" Cin asked, holding my hand.

I could've cried. Not sad cry, thankful cry. Thankful that I had a friend as great as Cin. She was always there for me, without a doubt. Sure, she was a bit wild, but when it came down to it she was always by my side. And boy did I need someone by my side now.

"I love you Cin," I smiled through my tears.

"I love you too hun. So," she said, wiping away my tears, "I don't know what in the world this guy did to make you act like this, but if I ever find out who it was, I will personally open a can of whoop-ass on his ass." I couldn't help but laugh. "There! See? Better already. Okay, next step. You're going to get out of bed, take a nice, hot bath, and blast your favorite music. Then you will wrap yourself in my comfy bath robe you like so much and I will give you my world famous pedicure and we'll pig out on chocolate. Sound like a plan?"

"Sounds perfect," I grinned, pulling her into a huge hug.

"I know, aren't I?" Cin joked. "Okay, now, bath missy!"

I climbed out of bed and grabbed Cin's robe, then walked out of the dorm into the common room. I was especially thankful now more than ever that I was Head Girl, meaning I got to use the Head loos. I made my way out of the common room and into the empty corridor, heading to the fifth floor. Finally I reached it. Two doors, made of oak. One with 'HG' in gold, the other with 'HB' in gold. I felt my stomach leap at the Head Boy door, James's door, but I tried my best to ignore it. I stepped inside my bathroom and closed and locked the door. I hung the bath robe on the coat rack and turned on the bath water. Then I flicked my wand and blasted my favorite muggle music. For my bath I chose Lavender clouds, pink bubbles, and a soothing Jasmine bath water. How nice being Head Girl was. Even better than prefect.

I undressed and eased myself into the hot bath. So relaxing, so nice. I did a couple of laps to get used to the water and came to a rest in the corner seat, laying my head on the head rest.

Why am I such a scaredy cat? Why couldn't I just say yes? Then I wouldn't have to go through this. I would be James's girlfriend, not the beautiful blonde. Why do I have to be afraid? It's ridiculous. I'm afraid of commitment. Wait, that's not it. I want commitment. It's the non-commitment I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of loosing. Loss. What if I did get together with James? I love him so much...I couldn't bare it if we broke up.

But I won't have to, since I blew any chance of hooking up in the first place. I was so afraid of loosing him that I didn't go with him, but by not going with him I encountered the very thing I feared and was trying to avoid - loosing him. I did just that. Lost him. And I wasn't even with him.

I groaned and dunked myself under the water. After a few seconds I came back to the surface, combing hair out of my face.

And what about the letter?

The thought made me feel sick. He's bound to have read it by now. I'm such an idiot! What would he think? Stupid Lily, I've already moved on to bigger and better things. That's it. And he'd have a good laugh. Maybe even show the letter to his mates. Why didn't I put a Secret Charm on it? Stupid! I'll never be able to show my face to James again.

I dunked myself under again.

Okay. Breathe.

I can do this. I will be okay.

I'll just have to face it. I lost him. I lost James Potter. James has a girlfriend now. Not me, another girl. I had years and years to accept his offer of a relationship but I denied each time. It's only natural for him to move on. I don't blame him. I blame myself. But we won't go there.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I went through this. This will be it. I will let it all out, right here, right now. When I leave this room, I will be leaving all my feelings for James with it, never to return.

James has moved on. So should I.

I kept repeating the phrase over and over in my mind all the way through my bath, during the walk back to the dorm, and all the while I was with Cin.

Some things are easier said than done.