Cooking With Valtiel

By: DJKID
Valtiel and all SH related objects (C) KonamiMy fan Val's: Geek, Tattoo, and Twitchy and Myself (C) MeYero (C) Himself"Big Bird" title for Air Screachers (C) The TerrapinAN: Please DO NOT attempt to cook the things demonstrated in this fic, and please DO NOT sue me for using these charas cuz I clearly just said who their proper owners are, and also note that I know next to nothing about cooking. Therefore, all recipies were written by a very, very close and talented friend of mine. I warn you, not for those with a weak stomache. Please review. Ty.

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Static appears on the screen of a very deformed TV that looks like it's bleeding.

"Good goodness! BETTY! Fix the TV!" A rather lazy Insane Cancer yelled to a Closer in a french maid outfit. She rolled her unseeable eye's and began fiddeling around with the TV's settings until a picture came into to view. After awhile of channel surfing they landed on good ol' channel BBC 2(That's England cooking shows). The auidence was clapping and the camera was begining to focus on a rather bloody stage made to resemble a kitchen. Upon squinting your eyes one could tell that the so called "audience" consisted more of living, breathing piles of flesh and deformed creatures than actual people, should there really be any.

"Oh I love this show! The cast is so stupid." The Cancer said clapping its blobby hand's together. 'Betty' sat in a corner, wondering what her meaning in life was. Back to the show, Valtiel magically appeared behind the corner waving and blowing kisses to the audience. He wore a white, bloody apron and rather sloppily thrown on chef's hat.

"Greetings boys, gals, and those of undefined gender!" He announced to the crowd as he took his place behind the counter, "Welcome to yet another episode of Cooking With Valtiel!" The monsters seated before him let out a roar of applause and Valtiel gave an overly graceful bow. Upon standing back upright he adjusted his hat, "Today we will be-DEAR ALESSA!!" Poor Valtiel found himself cut off as he was tackled by a girl with glasses, dressed in all black, and with short black hair(obviously dyed several times). The blob of creatures leaned forward, some burst into laughter. Valtiel wiggled on the floor trapped by the opposing human.

"I got him!! Yero, c'mere!" The girl shouted over her shoulder as she proceeded to tie up Valtiel. A boy wearing baggy black pants and a shirt 2 sizes to big for him scurried over to the odd girl.

"What up Deej?" Yero asked. His answer was Valtiel being tossed at him.

"Take him out to the car for me would ya?" DJKID asked him, but Yero was more focused on the rather vicious monsters that made up Valtiel's audience.

"Uh...Deej?"

"Yus, Yero?"

"What about them?" He indicated the unhappy critters with his shoulder as he tried to get a grip on the squirming Valtiel. DJ blinked and faced the monstrositys for the first time. She merely shrugged them off.

"Ignore them, they won't bite. Now lets go 'fore the cops catch us. We're on public television here!" She began shoving Yero in the direction of the door. Yero's eye's grew wide as he faced DJ.

"PUBLIC TELEVISION?!Deej, we've been saying each other's name's this whole time and you didn't warn me?!" DJ stopped, blinked, thought, and her mouth dropped open.

"Aw crap! RUN!" Yero dropped Valtiel as him and DJKID made mad-dashes for the door, "Don't worry Val! I'll come back for you my love!" DJ shouted over her shoulder as she and the odd boy dove through the exit and sped away in what was most likely a stolen vehicle. Valtiel merely stood in place, eye twitching. After several seconds he glanced at the camera man.

"We still on?" The Double Head gave a thumbs up, we won't ask how he did we just know he did. There were several breif moments of scilence before Valtiel gathered the strength to throw on a plastic grin, "OK now that that incident's out of the way, onto our show!" The crowd let out several cheers although some of the cheer-ers seemed to be still tyring to get over the matter, "Today, we'll be baking a delicious Heart Cake!" Cue crowd eagerness. Valtiel snapped his fingers and three of his clones appeared, "Everyone, we remember Tattoo," The tallest one gave a wave and bow to the audience and it was obvious how it got its name, "Twitchy," The twitchiest one muttered something under his breath but gave a tiny wave, "and Geek!" The one wearing bright red goggles, chewing bubblegum, and holding the DOG waved and smiled. The crowd was a happy one, while the three new characters attended to things. The question: "Does Val do any of the cooking himself?" would be a good one to ask about now, "Preheat your oven to 450, or should it be a special occasion I recommend 600. Alright folks, the ingredients are as follows:

2 cups of wet sugar

1 stick of arterry

1 cup of bile

1 cup of shortening

2 tablespoons of large veins (Be sure to include coco, and they should preferably be blue)

2 cups of Numb Body tails (No offense." Several Numb Bodies located int he crowd squeeked)

4 Big Bird eggs (No offense." Several Air Screachers in the crowd squawked)

1/2 cup of Patient Demon milk (No offense." Several Patient Demons threw up)

1 tsp of arsenic

And the most important ingredient, 3 cups of human hearts!

I know you love icing so the best kind that works with this cake is cold blood mixed with stomache fluid and crushed livers.

Next, for materials you'll need a large bowl,13x9 cooking pan, and a large brick." If you are human, you should be either laughing, disgusted, or you might be a cannibal that likes poison and can travel to the Silent Hill world so you're enjoying this. This whole time the three clones have been running about and gathering the items as they were called. As Valtiel continued giving instructions his little helpers were carrying out all the tasks. The most Valtiel himself did was get Patient Demon milk in his eye, which was knocked over by the DOG("Watch what you're doing!""Hey DEG's just trying to help.""Oh for love of valves."). Eventually the cake did make it to the oven, that's the important thing, "Now after 20 to 40 minutes, remove the cake and allow it to cool for about 15 minute. Apply icing, and enjoy!" A sample of the complete cake was sitting on the counter. Geek is prodding it with a stick and DEG is sniffing at it, Twitchy looks read to complain or better yet sue someone, and Tattoo's just lovin all the attention.

"Hey, Tat!" A female Patient Demon called. Tattoo perked up and we're sure she felt very special.
"Yes?""Interested in dating some time?""Sorry I don't go that way."
"What..?"
"I'm a girl."

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Referring to that....stuff they spit at you oO