Chapter 2: So It Begins
Dear Diary, August 16, 2004
My friends, my muggle friends to be exact have always encouraged me to express myself in some way. They are the only ones who know about my home life. What really goes on at my house and what really goes through my head but even they can't predict what I think and do. Well this is not the first diary I've ever had but I actually plan on keeping this one, at least I think I will. Let's see I'm still the mousy know-it-all Granger I've always been. I still have the rat's nest I call hair; my body is ok. All I need is to lose some pounds and I'm all right. Everyone sees me as the perfect girl. Perfect grades, prefect "friends" and perfect life. But in reality I'm anything but perfect. Sure I have good grades but the good grades are just a thing I have to get attention from my parents. My home life isn't as perfect as people come to believe. I have an older sister to which everyone adores. My friends thinks she's so cool, the guys I like thinks she's so incredibly hot, and my parents, no my entire family favors her. I may sound jealous, maybe I am I don't know, but what I do know is that they don't know my sister like I do and she's anything but nice and cool. The only thing I've got going for me is my grades. As long as I keep that up, I get some attention from my family and that's all I ever wanted.
My "friends" on the other hand, I'm not so sure about. Sure they're nice and all but sometimes I just feel like they're using me because I'm such a smart ass. And that's not a really nice feeling. Nothing really goes my way. Nothing is perfect like some people like to think. It's actually the exact opposite. I hate my life. It's that plain and simple.
My family ignores me. My so-called friends use me and adore my sister along with my family. No one knows this is how I really feel. Everyone just thinks that I'm this smart-ass girl who thinks she's too good for anyone, but the sad truth is I just want to be happy. I've cut myself so many times I've lost count but I remember what each cut was from. Most of them were because of my family, my mom especially. I don't know why but she's been getting on my nerves for the past year. My muggle friends have seen my scars and they helped me stop for two months but lately I couldn't help myself. I just had to do it again. The pain, I just couldn't take it anymore. That's why I can't stay home during the summer. I'll go insane if I do. My family in general is always comparing my sister and I and I heard my dad admit to my mom and my sister that he is giving me a much harder time than he ever did to my sister but he never said why. That was weeks ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. They all thought I was asleep but I really wasn't and I could hear everything that they were saying. I couldn't believe it. I just really want to die, but I can't because my best friend, who's a muggle actually cares about my well being. And my other muggle friends that helped me pull through but lately I haven't seen any of them and it's getting really hard for me to control myself and my need to cut.
I've tried to focus my attention on this one muggle boy that I used to go to school with and we're still friends. I've had a crush on him for a while and my friends are trying to help me forget about my family and/or life problems by talking about him, and trying to get us together. And I'm scared of what he'll think if he ever found out that I cut and my life isn't as perfect as people just love to think of it. I've already kept so many secrets from them like me being a witch and all. I don't want to see what will happen. Things have already gone awry with Harry. I fell in love with him in our 4th year but I never told him, but we confided in each other about our love life problems or just life problems in general. He ended up just playing with my already fragile emotions and we hadn't talked in a month of two and we recently started talking a little but it wasn't like the conversations we used to have; the conversations that I miss so much. I felt like I could tell him everything and that he would understand it all, but I guess I was wrong. He wasn't what I thought he was, but I still miss talking to him a lot. Well it's almost 12:30 am already and I guess I should get to bed. I feel a lot better now that I wrote everything down. Maybe keeping a diary won't be as bad as I thought it would be. Bye for now.
Always but not likely forever,
Hermione Granger