Cooking With Valtiel

Episode- 2

AN: I went brain dead towards the end. I didn't check for typos either. Was in a big hurry. Damn I'm hungry.

All recipes made by Doctor G. Reaper.

Disclaimer o' DOOM: Valtiel and all Silent Hill objects (C) Konami

Geek, Tattoo, Twitchy, and Myself (C) Me

The Pyramid Head Show (C) TruesonofJenova

Lemony Snicket and all A Series of Unfortunate Events stuff (C) Lemony Snicket

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Cut to the stage of Cooking With Valtiel, that currently contains no Valtiel. It just contains monsters getting the scene ready, no Val. So lets go to the studio next door...

To no one's real surprise, we find Valtiel leaning on Pyra's desk. Pyra is the host of 'The Pyramid Head Show', which is written by TruesonofJenova. You'll go read that fic now if ya know what's good for ya. ("DJ, you slang's slipping into your fics.""Oh shoosh it. I'm the author, therefore I can be a lazy ass.") "So Pyra, how's your show going?" Val asks in a good natured sorta way. He's a good natured kinda guy. Pyra sighed,

"Hell, as usual." Val frowned,

"Sorry to hear that,"and smiled,"I decided to start my own show!" Pyra stared at his poor, soon to be doomed friend. The life of a host was a very, very bad one indeed, "Well Pyra, was nice chatting with ya, but I've gotta get going! Toodle-oo!" Valtiel smiled, waved, and left the scene. Pyra stared. Then Douglas ran by,

"ASS CHEEKS O' POWEEEEERRRRRRR!!!"

Some Amount o' Time Later

Valtiel was struggling with the insane author, DJKID, once more. One can safely assume that yes, she is obsessed, "Oh please, someone get 'er off me!!" Two Insane Cancers chase off the author, she has a very large fear of fat naked men after all. Valtiel let out a sigh of relief, when a winged pig suddenly flew over to him and handed him a note:

Dear Ultra Super Cool Awesome Sexeh Valtiel,

This isn't over yet

Love DJKID

PS This message will now self-destruct

As soon as poor Val finished reading the message it burst into flame. He dropped the paper with a squeak of terror and then turned to the note delivering pig, which proceeded to explode and cover him gooey winged pig guts. A Mannequin poked into the room and held up a sign reading 'We start in 5'. Quickly, Val scurried onto the set of his infamous cooking show, Cooking With Valtiel. The Numb Body operating the camera gave Val a worried look. After all, everyone knows Val wouldn't hurt a fly, he's afraid it'll eat him. The star of the show gave a thumbs up, eye(or location of eye) twitching.

"Oh goody, Betty! That show 's starting again!" The shows dedicated Insane Cancer viewer and his French maid Closer, Betty, sat on the couch of Nightmare with some popcorn.

Cue lame theme music and crowd applause. Valtiel smiled, bowed, and twitched, nothing fascinating. Geek leaped out of some innocent person's laptop, with his trusty doggy DEG. Tattoo fell down some stairs and onto the stage, and Twitchy dropped from celieing all cool like. A twin demon was kind enough to throw a tin can at Twitchy's head. Twitchy broke into a seizure. No one cared.

"Welcome one and all to another edition of, Cooking With Valtiel!" Pyra seems to have snuck over from the set of his show and is now blowing a kazoo annoyingly loud. He most likely got it from a Patient Demon. Not only is the kazoo loud, Valtiel can't stand the sound of kazoos. Ever since the mysterious 'Kazoo Incident' he's made it his secret duty to destroy all kazoos, "T-T-T-...." Val turned from the camera and shot a death glare at Pyra. This doesn't stop good ol' Pyra though. Valtiel looked to Tattoo and nodded. The female version of Val grinned evilly and walked off scene.

Intermission - Please Stand By ) Appearers on the bleeding TV screen of Betty and her Insane Cancer pimp. However, screams and snarls and many other unpleasant sounds can be herd from the TV. The two exchange worried glances before munching on their popcorn. Eventually, the screen changes back to show Val smiling, Tat covered in blood, a missing Twitchy, and a very scared Geek and DEG.

"Well now, on with the show!" A now very happy Valtiel exclaims, "Today we'll be preparing a my very own special style for Puttanesca!" The crowd exchanges murmurs of confusion.

"Excuse me!" A man in a trench coat with a 'CENSORED' sign blocking his face makes his way onto the stage.

"Who the hell are you?" Valtiel is very confused, and wonders why this episode is so crazy. It's probably because the author has no life.

"I am Lemony Snicket, author of A Series of Unfortunate Events. I believe Puttanesca was used in MY movie." Several ASoUE charas have followed after Lemony. This includes the orphans, Count Olaf and his henchman, Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor, Mr. Poe, his wife, and Beatrice, "I demand you use a different recipe on this horrible, so called, cooking show of yours. A phrase here which means-" And before poor Lemony could continue his head exploded. Such is the power of an author's laziness and Silent Hill. The other ASoUE charas merely stood there amazed before slowly leaving the studio.

"...As I was saying! Puttanesca! The ingredients are as follows:

1 and 1/2 tbsp. of extra Mother-of-God olive oil (Reassured, not literally!)

1 fat clove of pancreas

10 or 12 plump hearts from little girls with short, black hair (remove pits)

1 tsp of bile

2-inch stripe of saliva paste

1 small chopped tomato (I leave the seeds in, but you can remove them if you like.)

Crushed stomach (extra tasty with a lot of acid)

Blood and pasta for one person (I like Penne or Rotini)"

And because the author is a lazy prick, the food was instantly prepared. Not only is the author lazy, but she has no life and no motivation. Doesn't she suck?

"OK, we will now force someone to try this wonderful dish!" The crowd gasped in amazement. No one ever thought someone would actually EAT this crap.

"The dog!" A member of the group cried out. So everyone turned to DEG.

"You can't do that! It's not nice at all!" Geek pouted, protecting his dog.

"Come now, it's just a dog."

"If he gets sick I'm suing."

"Oh fine." And so, the believed to be food was forced into Twitchy's mouth, who quickly ran off scene. Very not happy, and twitchy. After several moments of silence Valtiel turned back to the camera, "Well that's today's episode. Buh-bye-bye!"

And then Betty's Insane Cancer pimp exploded cuz the author says so.