Cooking With Valtiel
Episode- 3
AN: I listened to Bowling for Soup and messed with my hair the entire time I wrote this. I also chatted with white mage 12, lovely person them. I tip my fake-British tea to them... I hate tea...
Anyone wanna kill me for making a female Valtiel yet?
Oh wow this fic has a lot of fragments. Please look over those; if I wanted to write something shockingly good, then I would type something along those lines.
And I can not find the italics button on this thing, wtf? (I'm using that damn fancy Microsoft Word crap. I normally settle with WordPad. Yes I KNOW it should be at the top by 'U' and 'B' but it's not! Once more, wtf? )
Has anyone caught on I'm using this to talk to myself. I'm depressing, hm?
Shiznizzle! Dr. Reaper's gonna kill me! I keep loosing that damn recipe! Very very sorry, love! ;;
BTW- Yes, I do really own a Matrix jacket. It shines! D
BTBTW- Be sure to stay up-to-date on The PH Show and 21 Sacraments Game Show.
All recipes made by Doctor G. Reaper.
Disclaimer o' DOOM: Valtiel and all Silent Hill objects (C) Konami
Geek, Tattoo, Twitchy, and Myself (C) Me
The Pyramid Head Show and most things having to do with it (C) TruesonofJenova
Today we tune in on the scene to discover Valtiel is nowhere to be found. An all-out search has been sent underway to track down the star of tonight's show. Turns out the poor boy never left his room, Tattoo is standing patiently outside his door, "Valtiel, you can't hide in there forever you know." She's kind enough to inform him. Her reply is a faint sniffing and,
"I know... But I plan to as long as I can."
"Don't you wanna host your show?"
"Not really..." Cue gasps,
"Why not?" Sniff,
"'Cause I'll get attacked by True Son of Jenova's evil agents."
"No you won't."
"Yeah-huh."
"Nuh-uh."
"Yeah-huh."
"Nuh-uh." This continues...
Meanwhile, in a studio far, far away...
"I demand to speak with TSoJ!" DJKID seems to want to pick a bone with the writer of The PH Show.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but we can not allow that." Says a man in a black suit, clearly a bodyguard. One can't help but wonder how TSoJ managed to scramble enough money for that.
"Well then, I will have to use my Matrix Kung-Fu Action!" That said, the idiotic teen made a dash away from the creepy man. Mr. Bodyguard waited patiently for her return, which did eventually arrive. This time she had on her Matrix jacket as she striked various wannabe Kung-Fu poses. Mr. Bodyguard proceeded to drag our poor, defenseless author off as she screamed of one day having her bitter sweet revenge.
Back to the unfortunate incident we're having with Val…
Tattoo was getting fed up. She was getting really, really, REALLY frustrated. So frustrated in fact she stole Geek's laptop, which is nothing new but she did do it. With this laptop, instead of beat someone with it or blow it up or something as equally dreadful, she began typing on it. Tattoo proceeded to print out all the reviews for Cooking with Valtiel and shove the paper under the door, "Look Val, they love you! Now how about coming out of that cozy room of yours and running your show? How does that sound?" There were several moments of silence.
"Right, good, cheery-o!" Valtiel said as he leaped out of his room. It would seem he'll do anything for a loving audience. Now you know why you must review kiddies; if you don't, Val won't host the next show.
Valtiel skipped his way onto the stage and waved to the grisly audience, "So sorry for the delay in today's show, we were having an unfortunate incident starring a block of cheese and a brush." The audience had no idea what this meant, and could not even fathom what kind of unfortunate incident you could have with a block of cheese and a brush, but decided to just nod and pretend they understood to make their host feel good. They're a friendly audience like that. Mainly because Valtiel doesn't kill any of them, unlike a CERTAIN host whom we all know and wish to poke at.
Valtiel proceeded to list off the items for today's show, all of which were gathered by clones as normal, "Ahem, today's reciepe is my special award winning chocolate chip cookies!" Everyone in the audience leaned forward anxiously, "Ingredients are as follows:
4 1/2 cups of flour
2 teaspoons arsenic
2 cups of melted human flesh
1 1/2 cups packed old crushed bones
1/2 cup fresh crushed bones
2 (3.4 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding mix
4 air screecher eggs(preferably nightmare)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
4 cups semisweet chocolate chips
2 cups chopped fingers (optional)"
And so the cookies were prepared and a plate of them was set on the table, "Now the unfortunate eater of today's delicacy will be..." Valtiel looked around thoughtfully, "Tattoo!" Tattoo did a double-take before pointing to herself with a confused expression. Valtiel nodded and Tattoo gave the cookies a worried look, women always suffer in Silent Hill as you know. She carefully removed a cookie from the plate and eyed it suspiciously. Tattoo nibbled slightly at the cookie, before giving a thumbs up to the audience. She's such a cheap-o.
After the show…
Valtiel gulped and gave DJKID a nervous look, "Are you sure we can get away with this without being sued…or mentally scarred once more?"
"Absolutely, hundred percent, majo' big-o sure my friend!" DJKID replied from the other side of a large wooden desk, a dark shadow covering her features, "TSOJ needs to get what he finally deserves." Her voice oozing with hate.
"What about Pyra?"
"Oh don't you worry about him, I haven't forgotten…I haven't forgotten…"
An evil cackle filled the air.
Wh00t chicky. Short, sweet, and simple.
:falls asleep: