Chapter 9: To Be Happy One Last Time

Dear Dairy, October 31, 2004

It's been ten days. Ten days has been like an eternity. Anyways today is Halloween. I'm not going to the Halloween Ball as no one asked me but I'm okay with that. I've been rather lonely and I've been feeling emotionally low lately. I thought I had someone to share my feelings with but it turned out almost the same. The first day I talked to him, it seemed as if he really understood and it made me feel that I was cared about in the world. I even said no one would miss me if I was to die and he said something like how would I know. He even said I love you at the end of our conversation.

You see the headmaster has tried to make pen pals for all the seventh years. Mine is a boy but I don't know his identity. Out identities are not to be revealed until the second to the last month of school. But after that conversation it didn't seem like he cared much anymore. It makes me want to cry a lot. He doesn't know how emotional I can be or get. I guess I really haven't found any one who understands me. It just makes me want to cry.

I am not loved nor cared about in this world. I feel so useless no one cares for me. No one would care if I died. Then HE would not care. I just wanted someone who would love me and care for me.

"Love me in the spring time,

When it's all green and new.

Love me in the summer,

When the sky is oh so blue.

Love me in the autumn,

When the leaves are turning brown.

Love me in the winter,

When the snow is falling down.

Love me when I'm happy,

And even when I'm sad.

Love me when I'm good,

And even when I'm oh so bad.

Love me when I'm pretty,

Or if my face is plain.

Love me when I'm feeling good,

Or when I'm feeling pain.

Love me always darlin',

In the rain or shining sun.

Love me always darlin',

After all is said and done.

Love me always darlin',

When all our life is through.

Love me darlin',

For I'll be loving you."

I want someone to share this with. That's all I ever wanted. Someone to love and care for me because I need that the most. Everything is just too much to handle. School, homework, my life at home is just too much for me. I really just want to die; I can't take the pain anymore. It's too much. The person I care about the most is someone I never expected and he doesn't even know I exist.

The pain won't go away anymore. No matter how hard I try to forget it or what I do to forget it, it keeps coming back harder and haunting me. The pain is always there. I haven't felt happiness in a long time and I miss that. I want to be happy again, but all this pain is so hard to get rid of. I just want it all to end. I WAN TTO BE HAPPY ONE LAST TIME.

Always but not likely forever,

Hermione Granger