NUMBED
"Aw man," moaned Harry Potter. "We've got double Potions today with the Slytherins."
"And I thought my life had no meaning," muttered Ron Weasley.
"I admit, I'm not crazy about double Potions either," Hermione Granger admitted. "But at least we're learning new things."
"Yeah," chimed in Harry. "Malfoy's learning how to lick himself and cough up hairballs at the same time."
"He's so multitalented," Ron mocked.
They giggled.
Hermione sighed.
"Look! Potty, Weasel and Mudblood!" Malfoy called across the Great Hall.
"Look! It's the pea brained twit from the female gene pool!" Harry shot back.
Laughter rang out across the Hall.
The Slytherin table was silent.
"That shut him up," Ron muttered but then something smacked him in the face and landed on his lap.
"What on earth…?" Harry mused.
Ron picked up the object, holding it up in the air.
It was a woman's bra with pink lace.
"I found that in your room!" Malfoy called.
Ron let out a high pitched scream that indeed sounded like a girls.
"Do you really own that?" Harry hissed.
Ron quickly stuffed the bra into his robes.
"No," he said quickly turning red, which Hermione and Harry knew he was lying.
Hermione pulled out her wand and flicked it toward Malfoy.
She quickly stuffed her wand back into her robes. The next thing we knew, Malfoy had jumped to his feet and began singing loudly, "Someone sheared my sheepie…Who? Who? Who sheared my sheepie?" to the tune of "Who let the dogs out?"
Hermione flicked her wand again and Malfoy stopped singing. She stuffed her wand back into her robes again. Malfoy stood standing looking confused as everyone in the Hall stared at him in amusement.
"What?" he asked innocently looking genuinely confused.
"So someone sheared your sheepie huh?" Fred Weasley called. "NOT COOL!"
"That's so gross," George muttered.
(taken from the Geico commercial with the cavemen)
"I didn't even know you had a sheepie," a Ravenclaw called next. "That must've been quite a discovery for you! Did you call the news?"
Laughter rang out more.
"Shut up," Malfoy snarled.
"Today on Jerry Springer…woman finds out she has a sheepie and it was sheared by an unknown assailant. Can you believe the horror? The only thing this woman has to worry about is frostbite and icicles in the winter time," George called in a mock news reporter voice.
More laughter rang out.
Malfoy glared at everyone before the bell rang, ending breakfast. They headed to Potions class grudgingly.
Fred and George pulled them aside and showed them a syringe needle.
"Guys!" Hermione hissed angrily. "That's totally illegal! It's from the Muggle medical field! How'd you get a hold of that?"
"Mundungus," Fred smiled.
He nonchalantly walked past Malfoy and poked him with the needle in the leg.
"OW!" Malfoy yelled.
Fred looked at him innocently.
"Is everything okay?" he asked with mock concern.
"What did you just stick me with?" Malfoy demanded rubbing his leg.
"Must've been my quill…sorry," Fred said shrugging.
"What is in that syringe?" Hermione demanded.
"Novocain," George grinned. "His leg'll be numb for a few
hours. But it's a special kind of Novocain. It will spread to his limbs and
mouth. We jinxed it."
Sure enough, Malfoy's leg went out from underneath him. He fell forward, flat
on his face.
He managed to get up, but then his arm went limp and hung down against his side.
"I'll get you…" Malfoy snarled but then his mouth went numb and he began drooling slightly. "I'm gwonna twell mwe fwather."
He muttered.
Hermione, Harry and Ron entered the Potions class. They took their seats quickly. Malfoy stumbled in looking like a drunken fool. He was dragging his numb leg and holding his numb arm against him. But he was still drooling.
He bumped into a desk and fell forward again landing on his face.
"Bwoody inswane," he muttered, frantically trying to get up but with his numb limbs, it was hard.
The Gryffindors were rolling with laughter.
"I admit it's funny but cruel," Hermione said biting her bottom lip. She was torn between amusement and sympathy.
"I can't believe you'd feel sorry for that prat," Ron said rolling his eyes. "Lucky Fred and George didn't go any further."
Finally, Malfoy managed to get to his feet, dragging his leg behind him.
"Sworry I'm late, Pwofessor Snape," Malfoy said as he accidentally bumped into a chair and went to sit but missed it by inches and he landed on his rear-end.
"What on earth is with you, boy?" Snape demanded angrily helping Malfoy get to his feet. Malfoy accidentally pulled off Snape's robe from holding onto him, exposing a woman's sexy night slip. It had black lace around the front and a garter on his legs.
Silence fell across the classroom before hysterical laughter rang out.
"OH MAN!" Neville cried. "I SURE HOPE I FORGET THIS IMAGE!"
"I think I'm going to be sick," Hermione said slipping down in her chair.
"SHE BANGS! SHE BANGS!" Harry cried pointing to Snape.
(taken from William Hung "American Idol")
Snape dropped Malfoy.
He quickly pulled his robe on and tightened it against him.
He completely forgot Malfoy was on the floor, now crawling back to his seat frantically.
His eyes were wide with fright.
"Silence, you ingrates!" Snape yelled.
But the laughter continued. Most had horror on their faces mixed with amusement, while others were straight out rolling with hysterical laughter.
"Professor, did you remember to wax your bikini area?" a Slytherin called laughing.
Snape's face filled with embarrassment and fury.
Malfoy managed to clamber into his seat. He just let his head hit the desk with a 'thud' and drooled.
"We'll learning the Hazmol Potion today," he growled in a dangerous tone.
The laughter gradually died down except for a few occasional snorts.
"Pwofessor? I've losht my Potions bwook," Malfoy said drunkenly raising his hand in the air.
"Here," Snape said angrily and tossed a book at him. It hit Malfoy directly in the face.
The Gryffindors silently giggled.
Malfoy went face down on the table now. A large pool of drool by his mouth.
He began muttering "Ahumina ahumina," spontaneously.
"How long is that stuff supposed to last?" Harry whispered to Ron.
"I think 24 hours," Ron whispered back. "Knowing George and Fred, they've perfected pranks at this point. Who knows?"
Harry snorted.
They began working on their Potions. Snape deducted 5 points from Gryffindor because Lavender had forgotten to add her Lucis wing to the Potion. Anyone who dared look at him funny got another 5 points taken away.
Malfoy was still 'zombie' by the time Potions was over.
Crabbe and Goyle helped him down the corridor.
Harry and Ron were laughing.
Suddenly, a loud sound erupted from Ron's backside. It sounded like someone inflating a balloon up and then releasing it.
Ron's ears turned pink and his hands immediately flew to his backside.
"I think I'll be right back," he said and hobbled hurriedly down the corridor still clutching his backside.
It took a moment for Hermione and Harry to realize what had happened.
"How. Gross," Hermione said.
"Well, it does happen," Harry said shrugging.
"How would you know?" Hermione asked good-naturedly.
Harry grinned.
"Eating too many apples is a perfect example. Once I ate about 10 of them. Needless to say I had to sit on cushions for a week and Dudley almost passed out going into the bathroom after me,"
Hermione laughed.
They headed out onto the grounds.
The sun was shining brightly in the sky.
They sat down under the large oak tree and enjoyed the warmth of the sun.
Ron joined them later on looking a bit better.
"What did you have for breakfast?" Harry asked.
"Sausages," Ron said. "But I think they were one of Fred and George's lovely Food Pranks. They've started with Shitting Snausages, Booger Burgers, Gassy Grapes, and Farting Figs."
Harry laughed hard.
"I think I had eaten one of the snausages," Ron muttered.
Hermione just shook her head.
The numbness in Malfoy's limbs wore off definitely. Now, he was stark raving mad and planned to get back at George and Fred.
He snuck into the staff room that evening before the second Potions class and found the night slip that Snape wore. Grinning, he began cutting holes in it in all the right places. He had come up with a good lie to tell Professor Snape in the morning.
Hermione, Harry and Ron entered their second Potions class for the day.
Malfoy was sitting at his seat with Crabbe and Goyle, oddly innocently.
"They're up to something," Ron whispered to Harry.
"What about that woman's bra Malfoy found in your room?" Hermione asked Ron shrewdly.
"It was George's idea," Ron muttered. "They dared me to put it on. It was actually one of Mum's."
Hermione had to laugh at that.
"ALL RIGHT! WHO DID THIS?" Snape's angry voice bellowed as he entered the classroom. He pulled open his robes, exposing the night slip underneath…but it had holes cut into it in all the 'right' places.
There were two holes over his chest and one 'below' and 'behind'. Several girls screamed and slid off their chairs.
Hermione shut her eyes and began counting to 10, praying that when she opened them the sight before her would be gone.
No such luck.
Hermione just let her forehead hit the desk with a 'thud'.
"I saw the Weasley twins heading toward the staffroom, Professor," Malfoy said seriously.
"WHAT? Where are they?" Snape demanded shutting his robes finally.
"I think the library," Malfoy said quickly.
Ron growled.
They knew he was lying. He'd probably done it himself to get back at the twins' for numbing him.
But the twins were in the library catching up on homework.
Snape flew from the classroom.
"Downright lied," Harry snarled at Malfoy.
"Do you think I enjoyed walking around like a damn drunk?" Malfoy shot back. "That was embarrassing!"
"No more than walking around normally," Hermione said stiffly.
Harry and Ron chortled.
"Quiet, Mudblood," Malfoy snapped.
Hermione pulled out her wand and flicked it toward Malfoy again. He immediately sprang to his feet and began singing "It's Raining Men!"
Everyone laughed hysterically.
What made it even funnier was the fact that Hermione had made him do a dance to it as well.
After several more moments of embarrassing him more, Hermione flicked her wand again and he stopped singing and dancing.
He was in mid-jig.
"What just happened?" he asked looking around at everyone.
"You love men! I knew it!" Parvati squealed laughing.
"WHAT?" Malfoy roared.
"I bet you just love rainy days," Seamus laughed.
That set the Gryffindors off more.
The Slytherins were glaring at the Gryffindors for finding what Hermione did funny.
And then a whole out war broke out.
People were either wearing long pink fuzzy robes with matching slippers, bra's and thongs or fuscha tube tops.
Snape entered the classroom again and the war ended. Hermione was jinxed with a hot pink tube top and long blond hair.
Snape's outfit was complete as well. His greasy black hair was now curly and full of bounce. He had lipstick and makeup on and the night slip had been mended, but only to add two 'lumps' on his chest.
Everyone quickly undid their jinxes and sat down quickly. Fred and George must've let Snape have it for blaming them for something they didn't do.
Snape stalked up to the front of the room and turned around facing the classroom.
"No one mutter a word," he growled.
The class was silent as he began the lesson.
Malfoy raised his hand.
"Sir?" he asked tentatively. "What happened?"
"You told me the Weasley twins destroyed my slip," Snape said narrowing his eyes. "They didn't. They were in the library the whole time."
Malfoy went pale.
Snape angrily took out his wand and aimed it at Malfoy.
"Eeep," Malfoy squeaked out.
Snape flicked his wand.
Malfoy was now a beautiful and 'robust' blond woman that no one recognized.
Everyone roared with laughter.
"Hey!" the woman cried looking herself over frantically. "What gives Professor?"
"Teach you not to mess with teachers' belongings," Snape snapped. "If I have to look like a woman, so do you."
The Gryffindors were still giggling silently and pointing.
"ENOUGH!" Snape yelled.
That ended the giggling, but occasional snorts erupted.
The woman glared at Ron.
"I'm going to get you for this," she snarled.
"I'd love to take you home to ma!" Ron said in a hillbilly voice. "She's just think you're so darling!"
Everyone laughed again.
"Malfoy," Harry said. "Remember now, you have to use the bathroom on the right."
The woman's face was filling with rage.
"God help him when the time of the month comes," Hermione muttered.
The image of Malfoy contending with that issue sent peals of laughter from the Gryffindor side as they heard her.
The woman wailed and let her forehead hit the table.
"That's just going to shake whatever mush is up there," Harry called.
The woman hissed at him.
"At least Snape and Malfoy have each other…so sweet," Ron said batting his eyelashes.