Don't own potty boy and gang… HEY LOOK! THIS STORY IS STILL ALIVE! (and obviously, I am still alive as well, rather unfortunately…)
Yay for it…
Chapter 6: tasks 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21
February 13
6:00 AM
My.Bum.Hurts… My bum hurts a lot, and you know why? THE BASTARD! That's why. Dropping me, in front of all those people…but its all okay…he has got it coming all back to bite him right in that old wrinkled saggy ass of his. I don't actually know if his bum is like that….but since that is how his personality is, I'm sure his butt is the same!
I have lots of stuff to do today what with detention and meticulous planning for chaos tomorrow! You know what I was thinking…Snape must enjoy what I do to him. Why else would he keep giving me detention with him? He could just give me detention with Filch (shudder) or not give me any at all!
Hmmm…the fact that he might actually like this kind of puts a damper on things…but not enough to stop me from doing it! I'll just have to make it extra awful and embarrassing. Although…I do feel kind of bad…after what happened to him when he was in school here. Why did Harry have to tell me about that incident. Now I hate his father and pity Snape. Who would of thunk it? But, come on. Snape if a full-grown man. He should be able to handle it. I hope…
So detention at six. Better get my sore arse to work. I've got stuff planned for tomorrow, now I just have to do something tonight. Something not too big that will lead him gently into what's going on. OOOHHHHH….maybe I should stalk him for the day just so that I can do as many obnoxious things as possible. Yes, that sounds like a plan.
Here is what I think I'll do today:
Stalk him all day. Glare at him and when he looks back, look at something else.
Stare at him during meal periods. Attempt to mime everything he does.
Every time he walks by, throw myself onto the floor in front of him like I'm a raging klutz.
Make kissy faces when only he's looking.
Draw "cute" little pictures of him and leave them lying around. Leave him little presents, the weirder the better.
Make him signs with things like "Snapey" on them with numerous hearts.
And at detention I'll do all of those plus these:
Bring him shampoo and tell him his doesn't seem to be working.
Give him a hug and tell him Dumbledore said he needed one.
Aaaaaaand as the grand finale…
Go up to him at dinner and ask him out on a date in front of all the professors, and when Snape says no (as I'm sure he will…with lots of twitching involved…yay!), blow him a kiss, wink at him, and walk away.
So as you can see, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Hmm…I think I am going to ask Dumbledore to excuse me from my classes today. I hate to miss classes, but I'd say this "project" is taking precedent at the moment.
I'd better try and catch him before breakfast.
12:05
I just decided to pop in before lunch and tell you what has happened so far. Right after writing in you (hehe…that sounds funny. I talk to you like a person and yet I write in you…) I went straight to Dumbledore's office, said the password (lemon drops) and went up. All the time I was deep in concentration trying to think of how to phrase my request so that it sounded like a real project and so that he didn't ask any question.
I heard voices from inside the office, so I made myself comfortable outside knowing the Headmaster would call me in when he was ready. I was still fretting over what to say when the door opened and who should come out other than our favorite potion's master.
Figuring now was as good a time as any to start with my plans, I threw myself out of my chair and onto the ground in front of Snape. From my position on the ground I looked up at the pallid face of Snape and said in complete seriousness:
"Sorry sir. Whenever I'm around you I seem to completely lose control of myself. Its as though you've put a spell on me."
"Yes Ms. Granger, that has indeed become apparent. But don't blame on a spell what you can blame on sheer klutziness." Snape sneered. "If you will excuse me."
"Of course sir," I replied, putting emphasis on the title 'sir'. Getting up I bowed gallantly out of his way, keeping my eyes on his the whole time. Just before his eyes left mine, I puckered my lips up and made a popping sound as I feigned a kiss. With a little smile (which was very nearly a smirk) I bowed again and turned to open the door for him.
With a slight crease between his brows he left the room but turned back to say, "I'm glad to see, Ms. Granger, that you are finally acting like a proper young boy." He smirked, and swirled to leave the room.
"Of course. And as a proper young boy I know that ladies always go first… Madame." Although he made no reply to this, I did see his shoulders tighten significantly, which is actually quite a feat considering that he always walks like he's got a stick up his arse. Hell, I wouldn't even call it walking…more like stalking. Yes…stalking…Stalking Snape the Snarky Snake! Oh right…back to what happened.
I went into Dumbledore's office without anymore incident.
"Hello Ms. Granger," he said.
"Hello Headmaster."
With twinkling eyes he replied, "That was quite a show you put on outside Hermione."
"Oh… well… you see…" I blushed. I had forgotten about Dumbledore as I messed with Snape's head.
He smiled jovially, offering a lemon drop. I took one and popped it into my mouth. "I have been expecting this visit for some time, Hermione, and I am simply surprised that you had not come earlier."
Huh? I was severely confused. "I'm sorry sir?"
He just smiled in his kind manner again. "You needn't act so formal around me Hermione, we share secrets." He winked.
I was even more confused.
"Time turner?" Oooooooh. "You may have the day off to use to your own pleasure. I'd tell you to make sure that you get the homework, but I have a feeling that you've already done it."
I blushed again from the compliment. "Thank you." I got up to leave. "Headmaster…how did you-"
"Professor Snape was just in here complaining that a certain student," he raised his eyebrows at me, "was causing him trouble. He seemed very upset. Said this student was acting awfully strange."
"Oh," I laughed nervously. "Is that so?"
"Yes it is. And I told him it must be Valentine's Day fever, and that surely it would pass. But in the meantime, he should just continue on with his usual routine. It will pass Hermione?"
"Of course," I wrinkled my nose. "I'm not actually in love with Professor Snape."
"Good," he smiled mysteriously. "I suggest that you ask Harry whether you can borrow a cloak of his…for the cold of course."
"Of course. Thank you Headmaster."
"Good bye and good luck Hermione."
I smiled, a bubble of excitement pulsing in my stomach. I left his office and headed straight for the dormitory.
I love Dumbledore that sweet, old coot.
Oh right, so I went up to the dormitory, yada yada yada. Lets just say I arrived at the Great Hall for breakfast with a stuffed bag and a very curious Harry running after me.
1:33
Ah breakfast. What a lovely event. Especially when you have a jackass of a potions teacher to bug.
I felt that this breakfast would be especially entertaining considering our unexpected interaction earlier. That meant he would already be annoyed. YAY!
As I walked into the hall, I noted a sour-looking Snape staring disinterestedly down at his meal. I stared at him. Keeping my eyes on his face, I continued to walk forward tripping over miscellaneous items and body parts. Finally feeling my way over to the Gryffindor table, I sat down.
Stare.
Stare.
Stare.
EEEEEK! Look away. I guess Snape must've felt someone's eyes on him, because suddenly his head snapped up and his eyes were searching. I quickly looked down at my food. I kept watching him out of the corner of my eye though.
Still looking around, his hand went for his morning tea. So did mine. I also started to search around in the same manner as he.
He took a sip of tea. So did I.
He picked up his fork and took a bite of his eggs and bacon. So did I.
Suddenly, he leapt up and started doing flips and leaps and headstands. Then he pulled himself out of his robes and started jacking off.
…………
Okay, well, maybe not quite. (ugh, I don't even want to think about why I cam up with something as disgusting as that. I suppose its because disgusting just fits his personality….yes….that's it….) But he did stop looking around, so I immediately started staring at him again. I mimed everything he did.
I even put on a similar sour facial expression. You know? He must have really strong facial muscles to hold his face like that all the time. It's quite difficult. Either that or he has just got a really big and thorny stick shoved up his—
Anywho, this was getting rather boring. Snape is really dense if he can't even tell that I am copying everything he does. I mean, after all, there are only several hundred hormone-driven, loud, obnoxious teenagers in the hall as well. It should be obvious. I mean really!
Ho hum.
Ah I have something to occupy my time. Call Snape stupid in my head.
Snape is stupid. STUPID SNAPE.
STUUUUUUUUUPPPIIIIIIIIDD SNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPEEE!
……………………………
Holy balls of flaming poop. I just said that out loud. And by out loud, I mean I said it, not-in-my-head, and VERY LOUDLY!
I'm going to die a slow and painful death. It's all good. Stay calm. Not everyone is staring at me…and pointing and laughing.
"What on Earth are you staring at?" I asked Harry, artificial surprise in my voice.
"You just said 'stupid' really loudly." He replied, a frown on his face.
"Oh is that so?" I say coolly. "You know, I think perhaps you are imagining things."
"Oh yes, me and the rest of the student body and teachers?"
"Eeeexxaaaaccttllyy."
No response. Understandable. I don't think there really is a response to that.
'If you'll pardon me, Harry, Ron, I must go study now. Fare thee well!" Twiddle my fingers and depart. Before exiting the Hall, I turn and stare straight into Snape's eyes and blow him a kiss. That sure wiped the smirk off his face.
I figure I have to give his face muscles some much-needed rest.
Time to do a little Snape Stalking, yes? Yes. Away I go with my flowing cape.
AWAY!
P.S. Did I tell you I made some "cute" pictures of Snape? Cuz I did. And I must say that they look positively maaaarveloous, darling.
A/N: this chappie is going to be super long…so I split it in two .. R&R pwease!
Credit:
Every time he walks by, throw myself onto the floor in front of him like I'm a raging clutz-thanks citrinecastle
Make kissy faces when only he's looking-thanks citrinecastle
Draw "cute" little pictures of him and leave them lying around. Leave him little presents, the weirder the better- thanks citrine castle again .
Make him signs with things like "Snapey" on them with numerous hearts-thanks hpgirl500
Bring him shampoo and tell him his doesn't seem to be working- thanks dara
Give him a hug and tell him Dumbledore said he needed one- Thanks lacewing
Go up to him at dinner and ask him out on a date in front of all the professors, and when Snape says no, blow him a kiss, wink at him, and walk away- thanks wild childs sister