The dream had been an ephiphany. A bloody revelation, I thought to myself wryly. Famous last words. Glancing over at Dawn sleeping soundly in the chair across the way, I felt my heart break a little. What I had put her through...was horribly and hellishly unfair. What I had put Giles through was just as wrong. Putting myself through it...well there was no excuse. In the near-darkness of my bedroom I slowly lifted my hand, turned it over and stared at my bandaged wrist. Fingering the gauze wrapped around my self-inflicted wound I pondered my current state of mind. Who was Buffy Summers at this point in her life? Washed up ex-Slayer? Lost little girl? Dropping my arm to my side, I glanced over at Dawn again. She looked so peaceful in sleep, that I found myself getting a little jealous. Lucky girl, she could just drift away into dreamland and not have to worry about who would visit her there. Certainly not a dead mother or a vanquished vampire. But I didn't get to be that lucky. I had been given another chance. A chance that I didn't want. There had been too many chances up until now and maybe it was time to take advantage. Closing my eyes, I remembered Spike in my dream. He was so vivid, so real. Almost as if he weren't really gone. Staring up at the ceiling, I willed away the tears that were building, tried to will away the anguish that seemed to hover over me all the time. Maybe I wanted him to be alive so badly, that I had conjured him myself. After all this time and all this pain, he was still the one I ran to, even if it was only in my sad, confused brain. There was really only one thing left to do now. Get some answers. Hit the streets. In short, knock some heads and get the real truth. Maybe then I would finally get the rest I deserved, the peace I craved. It was the only way.
Slowly pulling back the thick comforter that covered me, I eased out of bed. Darting a quick glance in Dawn's direction I noticed that she was sleeping heavily. Good. As I got to my feet, I wavered unsteadily and had to grip the bedpost as I waited for the room to stop spinning. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and padded barefoot to the closet. I opened the doors and withdrew a duffle bag from the top shelf. Slowly and methodically I loaded into it what I would need. After clothing, I tucked a few stakes into it just for good measure. I didn't bother with the zipper and heaved the bag onto my shoulder. Then I dressed as quickly as possible and walked slowly to the desk where I sat down with a sheet of paper and a pen. This was going to be hard, but I had done it before...left the people I loved most...set off on an unknown path...I just had to swallow my fear and follow through. Nothing to it, right Buff? Poising the pen above the paper, I thought for a moment what I would write and allowed myself one more glance in Dawn's direction. Then I began to write:
Dearest Dawn:
I'm not going to start this with 'by the time you read this I will be gone'...that's so corny. I am going to say that I'm sorry. I know it's stupid to say and probably won't mean anything...but I want you to know that my apology is sincere and from the heart. I never wanted to hurt you and I know the pain I caused you. So I'm going to fix it.
I'm only going away for a short time. There's just some things I need to take care of...questions I need answered...before I can truly move on with my life. I am not leaving because of anything you or Giles did, I am leaving because I need to find out what I did. I need to find me again and the only way to do that is to rid myself of excess baggage, unfinished business. I've said it before Dawnie, this is the work I have to do.
Do not doubt in any way how much I love you. I know that I haven't proven that lately and that is why I'm going, so I can find what's missing inside of me...find what I lost. Then I will come back and be able to take responsibility for all of the mistakes I've made in my life. I will right the wrongs, I promise.
Take care of Giles. Tell him I love him and that I am so thankful for all that he has done for me. Not only these days, but in the past as well. Tell him a daughter couldn't love a father as much as I love him. A sister couldn't love another sister as much as I love you too, Dawn. Remember that.
Don't be angry at me, save that for when I come back and you can give me an earful then, consider that an IOU from you to me. Don't try to find me either. I won't be going to Xander or Willow for anything so please don't get them involved, I couldn't stand to have them see me this way.
I love you, Dawnie. I have always loved you, even if I don't love myself that much these days. There is so much turmoil inside of me, but there is one thing I have always been sure of...my love for you.
Goodbye.
Love,
Buffy
Writing the letter had been the easy part. Booking a last minute flight out of Rome in the middle of the night? Not so easy. Especially when you can barely speak Italian. But I managed...with the help of my Tourists Guide to Rome translation book. The lady at the counter had eyed me strangely, especially when she saw the bandages on my wrists. I hoped that my super healing strength was going to kick in soon, because I was tired of the looks. Really. I hoped Giles would forgive me for stealing from his 'rainy day fund' and I promised myself I would pay him back. There was an announcement over the loudspeaker...first in Italian and then in English. Time to go. Trepidation was building inside of me as I handed the attendant flanking the boarding gate my ticket. She barely glanced at me as she skimmed over my ticket, nodded and handed it back to me. As I walked to the waiting plane, a brief wave of fear and guilt washed over me and for a moment I wanted to run back home and bury myself in the sanctuary of my own bed. Shaking my head, I knew that if I went home now, I would lose my nerve. By then, any chance of fixing whatever the hell it was that was wrong with me would be lost. The time was now. I am timely-girl and I am on a mission. I'm going to find out the truth about Spike and the next stop? Los Angeles, California...
I figured it out as soon as I stepped off the plane. Jet lag from hell...is like...jet lag from hell. A smile turned up the corners of my mouth as I remembered the person who had said that little zinger first. Anya. I missed the ex-demon terribly, even she had been somewhat of a twit. Xander had loved her so much. Her death had killed a part of him that he would never get back. The last time I'd seen him he'd had this terrible look of secret pain, it was all over his face, even when he smiled and tried to act like he had moved on with his life. I knew that he would never forget her and it saddened me to think that she had never been buried properly, just like Spi--...I stopped myself in mid-thought and shook my head. Not going to go there. I exited the airport terminal at LAX and stopped at the curb, scanning the area for an available taxi. First thing I was going to do was find myself a motel and crash. Then it was on to Wolfram and Hart where the current installation of Angel, Investigations was located. After that, it was question and answer time.
I stepped into the lobby of Wolfram and Hart the next night and felt a shiver of fear cascade down my spine. I had never been to the evil law firm, but I'd gotten some info on it from Andrew when he had visited. I still didn't understand what had possessed Angel to take a position here. Walking through the spacious lobby, I boarded the nearest elevator and rode to the offices at the top. I did my best to calm the tidal wave of anxiousness that was washing over me as I walked down the brightly lit hallway and stepped up to the receptionist desk. With a frown, I noticed the chair behind the desk was empty and waited. A stylishly dressed blonde appeared and then turned to face me, poised with a smile. Then recognition dawned and her mouth dropped open.
"Buffy Summers...what the hell...I mean...Slayer...we meet again!" Harmony Kendall exclaimed.
I tilted my head and rolled my eyes.
"Harmony, what the frilly hell are you doing here?" I asked, planting my hands on my hips. "What part of 'get the hell out of town' don't you understand?"
"For your information Slayer, I'm playing for the other side now. I'm one of the good guys. Yeah, vampire...but still...what's it to you anyway?"
"Harmony Kendall as one of the 'good guys'...wonders never cease," I said sarcastically. "So how is it that you went from being a pain in the ass to a secretary here?"
"Oh come on, Buffy...girl's gotta work...you should know that, right? How's the Doublemeat Palace these days? You want fries with that?" Harmony said haughtily, tossing her blonde hair.
It took everything inside of me to not leap over the counter and pummel those pale features, but I held myself in check, especially when a loud voice boomed from behind me.
"Shut up, Harmony. Isn't there something you should be doing...like...I don't know...answering phones...stepping into sunlight?"
"Very funny, Angel. I was just about to ask Slay-gal here what the hell she wanted," Harmony said.
I turned around and faced my former lover and almost did a double take. Gone was the all-black ensemble, it had been replaced with a stylish Armani suit, and what smelled like overly-expensive men's cologne. My eyes traveled up to Angel's face and with a smirk I noticed that he still did that crazy thing with his hair. Some things never changed.
"I was going to ask the same thing. What are you doing here, Buffy? Is there trouble...Giles...or Dawn?" Angel asked, as he took my elbow and lead me away from the reception area.
"No...no trouble," I said shaking my head as we headed into Angel's...office? I sucked in a breath and glanced around at my surroundings. Oh my God, someone had moved up in the world. I stood in the middle of the large room rendered speechless as Angel took a seat behind a gigantic desk and regarded me coolly with his brown eyes.
"So why are you here?" Angel asked.
I shook my head and took a seat at one of the chairs positioned in front of the desk.
"Just popped by," I said. "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd-"
"Wait...you were in the neighborhood?" Angel asked in confusion. "Buffy, you live in Rome now...or last I heard...how could you be in the neighborhood?"
I scoffed at Angel.
"Color me confused here...since when can't I stop by and say hello? Is there like a law or something?" I asked sarcastically.
Angel rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, regarding me thoughtfully.
"You want something," he said. "Otherwise you would have called."
"I just have some questions is all. Then I will leave your corporate paradise, I promise."
"What's with the animosity, Buffy? Did I do something or say-"
I held up my hand to silence him and then sighed and stood up from my chair.
"I'm going about this all wrong, apparently," I said as I paced the office, picking up objects here and there and setting them down. "I came here for answers...I had a dream-"
Angel shot up from his desk and walked quickly to the door, closing it. Then he stood in front of me and put his hands on my shoulders.
"Something bad is coming isn't it? You had a prophetic dream about the next apocalypse, right? I'll get the team on it right away," Angel said heading to the phone and picking it up. I walked over, took the phone from his hand and placed it back on the cradle.
"No, Angel...n-no apocalypse or prophetic dreams...this is something bigger than that...way big...and you're the only one I can turn to for help. Simple as that," I explained. "So there will be no...no phone calls...or any team work...just me and you."
Angel frowned and propped himself against his desk, arms folded across his chest, his broodish stare unwavering.
"What are you asking, Buffy?"
"I think you know."
"Really, I don't. Might want to fill me in here, 'cause I'm coming up with blanks. Giles know you're here?"
"This isn't about Giles...don't get him involved...just us, remember?"
Angel walked around the desk and glanced at me.
"So no one knows you're here," Angel said with a nod. "Great, just great."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.
"Buffy...you and I were over a long time ago...you've moved on...I've moved on...you getting the whole 'moving on' thing I'm headed toward?"
I shook my head and rolled my eyes.
"Would you get over yourself...for like...one minute?"
"Oh...so that's not it...you don't want to get back together...or try it again...did I hear that right?"
"Yes...and extremely yes! Now can I get to the point here or are we going to tap dance like we have been?"
Angel nodded his head and made a gesture for me to continue.
"Great then. Ok...here it is...I think Spike is alive...that's what my dream was...and I need you to help me find him...I-I know you two hated each other...I get the male territory thing...I do...but this is important...and you're the only I can go to on this..." I looked over at Angel who had walked away from the desk and now stood at the window staring out. "And you're not even listening to me," I finished. "Great."
"I am listening," Angel said, his voice void of emotion as he folded his arms and sighed. "Should have known that's what you'd be here for. Who was I trying to kid?"
"Um...Angel...are you still talking to me?" I asked.
"I know some information about Spike," Angel said with a sigh and then turned to face me.
"Oh...than you can help me?" I asked.
At last! I thought to myself. I patted myself on the back mentally. Good job, Buffy!
"But I'm not going to tell you what I know," Angel said, going to his desk and taking a seat.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"Are you still jealous about me and Spike? Because if you are..."
"I am not jealous...how many times do I have to tell you this?" Angel asked with a shake of his head. "But the thought of you and that-"
"Ok ok...hello to the jealousy," I said. "But back to why you won't help me. 'Splainy?"
Angel folded his arms across his chest and regarded me evenly.
"I have my reasons," he said plainly.
"You have reasons," I said. "Still not getting it here...what's with the cryptic?"
"You wouldn't understand..."
"Try me," I said softly closing the distance between Angel and I.
I reared back with my fist, ready to hit if necessary. I saw the growing fear on Angel's face and hated that it would have to come to this, but sometimes desperate times called for desperate measures. I didn't notice the sleeve of my shirt slide down, revealing the bandage on my wrist. Angel noticed it right away and grabbed for my arm, pulling it toward him.
"What happened to you?" he asked, his eyes growing fearful and panicked. "I knew I smelled blood."
I yanked my arm out of his grasp and took a step back. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
"First of all...eww...and second of all it's nothing...d-don't worry about it..." I stammered stepping back further.
"Buffy...what the hell is going on...and the truth would be nice here," Angel said.
"I-I can't tell you the truth...not now...not ever...you couldn't handle it anyway...and it has do with Spike...and why I'm here," I said.
"Buffy-"
"No Angel. You won't tell me what I want to know...so you don't get anything out of me..."
I walked to the door and opened it, but before exiting I glanced at Angel.
"When you think you can help me I'll be back," I said softly and then left the office, closing the door behind me.
I didn't leave Wolfram and Hart right away. Instead, I decided to stay...hide somewhere until everyone left...then figure things out for myself. Angel had said he knew information on Spike and if he wasn't going to tell me I was going to find out on my own. So, when I knew the coast would be clear I would begin a search through every office on Angel's floor. I would be careful to avoid Wesley, Lorne, Fred and Gunn...too many questions...and the moment they smelled something funny, they'd go running right to Angel. So I waited. I listened. Soon the office grew quiet and hushed. I heard employees leave, talking amongst themselves. Then the office darkened and that was when I made my move. I ran down to the lobby and quickly scanned the employee parking area and was relieved to see it empty. Then I headed to Angel's office. Closing the door behind me, I went to his desk, flipped on a light and sat down. First, the laptop. I pulled the computer closer to me and opened it. Briefly, I wished Willow was here, she'd know how to hack into Angel's files. Pushing the computer away, I decided to hold off. That would be too obvious. So I began opening drawers and thumbing through folders. Hours ticked by and I came up with nothing. Exhausted, I turned out the light and exited the office. After a few hours of more searching, I was still empty-handed and no closer to any answers. As I was riding the elevator to the lobby, my eyes skimmed over the the sign posted on the nearby wall that gave directions to each department. Then my eyes landed on Practical Science lab and suddenly I knew the next place to look.
I entered the darkened lab and felt along the wall for a light switch. I flipped it on and the room flooded with bright light. I knew that Fred and Wesley worked in this area, evidence of their inhabitance was littered everywhere. There were books and papers scattered about, one look at the cover of one of the books confirmed it. The books were about prophecies and mystical energies, which was Wesley's speciality. A pair of glasses that had been abandoned near a microscope confirmed Fred's presence here. Walking around the lab, I examined the equipment, went through some file cabinets and was starting to get frustrated, until my gaze rested on a familiar object on a table nearby. An amulet. A lump rose in my throat as I picked up the jewel and turned it over in my hand. The cool metal of the chain rested against my palm and I closed my eyes.
((My soul...it's really there...I can feel it...kind of stings))
Shaking the memory away, I brushed the tears from my cheeks and took a seat on a stool nearby. How did the amulet get here? The last time I'd seen the jeweled trinket was when Spike had been wearing it around his neck in the Hellmouth. So, if the amulet was here...than that could mean only one thing...
"It's true, Buffy."
I jumped a mile as the sound of a voice startled me. The amulet slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor as I lifted my eyes to the source of the voice.
"Fred!"
br>
Winifred Burkle walked into the lab and approached me. I jumped a step back and flung my hands into the air.
"Y-you don't understand..." I started. "I-I wasn't trying to steal anything...I just needed...well I...there's this thing..."
Fred placed a hand on my shoulder to stop my stammering and gave me a gentle smile.
"It's ok, Buffy. I know why you're here...and I know you must be confused about that," she said nodding toward the amulet on the floor.
I watched as she bent to pick the jewel up, studied it in her hand and then handed it to me.
"I don't understand," I said with a shake of my head. "The amulet...Spike was wearing it...when he...when it...that last day."
Fred nodded.
"I know. Wolfram and Hart gave it to Angel...expected Angel to wear it...but it got screwed up...because then we find out Spike wore it...that he died..." Fred stopped mid-sentence as she noticed my wrist.
Looking to where her eyes had landed, I quickly straightened the sleeve of my shirt. Damn shirt...these sleeves weren't long enough. I quickly glanced up at Fred who was frowning.
"What did you do to yourself?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at me and leaning closer. "I know we don't know each other...well...or at all...but you don't have to know too much about someone to notice a suicide attempt."
I pressed my wrist closer to my body and avoided her eyes.
"Well...we don't know each other...and I don't think I need to say anymore," I said in a clipped tone, backing away.
"But that gives you the right to break into my lab?" Fred asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Ok...y-you have a point there...but c-can we get back to what you said earlier? About something being true?" I said, congratulating myself on the quick subject change.
Fred hesitated a moment and then ran a hand over her hair and sighed. She leaned against a nearby countertop and swung her kind eyes towards me. Absentmindedly, she smoothed a hand over the skirt of the pastel colored dress she was wearing.
"Angel would kill me for telling you this...but now...especially with that..." she nodded towards my wrist and instinctively I held my arm closer to my body. "I think you deserve to know."
"What do I deserve to know?" I asked as I held my breath, staring into Fred's eyes as she leaned closer and pressed a hand to my shoulder.
"Yes, what does she deserve to know?" another voice boomed from across the room. Fred and I both jumped this time as Wesley-Wyndham Price walked into the room.
"Wesley!" Fred exclaimed crossing the room to stand in front of the former Watcher who was staring at me in puzzlement. "I thought you said you were going to wait in the car!"
"I did, love...but you were taking so long I got concerned...so I decided to come up and check on you...you know...this place..." Wesley said glancing around. "Then I come in and see you talking with someone and realize that it's Buffy Summers...and I think to myself...how is that Buffy Summers would be at Wolfram and Hart...did she break in?" Wesley finished glancing sternly over at me.
I jumped from the stool I was sitting on, quickly dropping the amulet into my pocket. I tried to brush past Wesley and Fred, but Wesley caught my wrist in his and I gasped in pain and stopped short.
"Oh...terribly sorry...just thought we could visit...you know catch up on old times..."
"Wesley...please...it's just Buffy...relax ok?" Fred said gently, placing a hand on his arm.
I shook my head as Wesley relaxed his grip on my wrist and then rolled the sleeve of my shirt up to reveal the bandage. God...was everybody going to find out?
"Good God, Buffy...you've done something terrible to yourself...why would you do that?" Wesley asked with a frown as he took his glasses off and studied me.
I pulled my wrist away and held my hand behind my back, not saying anything. There was silence for a moment and I felt myself getting nervous. Suddenly the situation had begun to spin wildly out of control. I had to get out of here and soon before they started asking more questions...calling people...My eyes darted around the room furtively in search of escape.
"Wes...go wait in the car...please...I'm just going to talk to Buffy...then I'll be down...ok?"
"Fred...this is insanity...we must call Angel...straight away...she can't just be in here..."
"Go...it's fine...I promise..."
"Fine...but choose your words carefully...I mean it...
"Thank you..."
I watched the exchange between the two and my eyes followed Wesley as he left the room, shaking his head and mumbling about everything being nonsense or something. Then I caught Fred's eye and she was staring at me. Then she motioned for me to sit beside her on a stool. Saying nothing I walked over and gingerly took a seat.
"Is he going to be a problem?" I asked, motioning toward the doorway that Wesley had disappeared through. "Because if he is...then I'm going to leave...I'll find out what I need to know somewhere else."
Fred shook her head and examined me through narrowed eyes.
"You mean, Wesley? No...not at all...I have to ask though...why are you here?"
I looked down and reached into my pocket for the amulet, dangling the chain in front of my eyes as the amulet caught the light and cast a reflection around the room.
((Angel said only a champion could wear the amulet))
((Been called worse things))
I shook the memory from my brain and concentrated on the quizzical look Fred was aiming my way and sighed. There was going to be no easy way around this. If it had to be all or nothing then there was no way I was going to hold back.
"I just need to know, Fred. I need to know about Spike...i-it's important...Angel won't tell me...and I'm having freaky dreams...and...it's killing me." I said, holding my breath as I waited for Fred's reaction.
Fred looked down at her hands and twisted the ring she wore nervously.
"Like I said before...Angel would kill me if he found out what I'm going to tell you," she said softly, not meeting my gaze.
"Please Fred...I need to know..."
"I want to help you Buffy. I don't know what's going on with you and y-you don't have to tell me...but this is serious stuff...a promise was made...and Angel-"
I reached for Fred's hand and squeezed it as tears filled my eyes. I was close...so close...
"Please," I whispered.
"He...Spike I mean...he's alive...we don't know how or why...but he is," Fred said and then looked in my direction.
I was frozen...a little more shocked than I thought I would be. My body began to tremble and I wrapped my arms around myself. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it...I kept repeating it in my head. All along...all this time...Spike...he'd been here...they'd seen him...talked to him...touched him...oh God...
"Are you ok, Buffy?" Fred asked her voice filled with concern.
I nodded.
"Tell me more," I said shakily.
Fred stood and began to pace around the room.
"There's not much to tell...he just appeared out of thin air...it was so strange...and he was still wearing that," she said pointing to the amulet in my hand. "We're still trying to figure it all out. But there's another thing..."
My head shot up and a shaft of pain made me shudder. Oh God...what now?
"He made us promise...all of us...he made us promise not to tell anyone...especially you," Fred said.
"Why?" I asked in horrified shock...Spike had been keeping this secret from me...all along?
"H-he didn't want to cause you any pain...he knew that you were trying to move on with your life...he thought that you wouldn't want him coming around and confusing you..."
"I don't understand...the things he told me...what he showed me," I said dazedly to myself and then felt Fred's confused gaze in my direction. "I-I had a dream...a very vivid dream...Spike...h-he said things...it was so real."
Fred shook her head.
"That's impossible...it was just a dream Buffy...I'm pretty sure that there isn't any way that Spike could get into your dreams...at least not in the physical sense..."
I stood and grabbed Fred by the shoulders, the tears falling unchecked down my face.
"He told me to find him...he said it was what he wanted me to do! Try and explain that!" I exclaimed, becoming hysterical.
"Buffy...please...you're scaring me...if there was anything else I could do, I would!" Fred exclaimed, her eyes widening as she shrunk back.
I pulled myself together and tried to avoid the wary look that Fred was directing at me. I didn't meet her eyes.
"You have to tell me where I can find him...please...Angel will never know..."
"No...Spike made us promise..."
"Please Fred...I know we don't know each other...but you don't understand how badly I need to find Spike," I stared imploringly into the young brunette's eyes. "My life..i-it's so screwed up and the only one that can make sense of it is him. So if you know where he is then tell me!"
Fred looked down and was silent for a moment as if she were debating in her head whether to tell me what I needed to hear. I prayed to myself that she would do the right thing.
"Ok...ok...but you didn't hear it from me..."
"Thank you, thank you!" I exclaimed, spontaneously pulling the young girl into an embrace.
"But if this gets to Angel..."
"I know...not a word about you...promise."
Fred opened a drawer underneath a table nearby and withdrew a scrap of paper and a pencil. She scribbled something onto the paper and handed it to me.
"This is where Angel says he's staying..."
I stood and hugged Fred again.
"You don't know how much this means to me...really...I'll never forget this," I said as I backed out of the room and headed to the door, Fred staring after me sadly.
"I don't know what happened to you, Buffy. But I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for," Fred said to me, a tinge of sadness around the edge of her words.
"I hope so too," I said looking down, fingering the amulet I held in my hand.
"Take care of yourself...and be prepared if you don't get the answers you want right away. Sometimes the 'Powers' are funny that way," Fred said.
I nodded and smiled.
"Thanks, Fred," I said as I prepared to step out the door.
But something made me stop and turn back inside.
"Fred?"
She looked over at me, lifting her eyebrows at me.
"Angel is a lucky guy...he's surrounded himself with good people. Don't let him get away with not saying it often enough, ok?"
Fred nodded with a smile.
"Got it. You better go, Buffy. If you stay any longer I'm afraid Wesley will call the calvary or something," she said with a laugh.
I waved and then exited the lab. It didn't take me long to descend the stairs into the lobby and exit the law firm. There was an excitement inside of me that I hadn't felt in a long time, like new air had been breathed into my lungs, it was a good feeling.
((I'm coming, Spike))
br>
It didn't take me long to catch a cab. Soon I was standing in front of a decrepit apartment building. I grimaced, reached into my pocket and handed the cabbie a ten dollar bill.
"Keep the change," I murmured and began to walk towards the building.
I climbed a set of steps and pulled the entrance door open. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. Why couldn't I stop shaking? It seemed my whole body was vibrating and there was no way to turn it off. I knew I was getting closer...I could feel it...everything inside of me screamed that this was the right thing to do. Then why was I so scared? What did I think I was going to find? I climbed another staircase and came to the first door at the top and then glanced at the scrap of paper in my hand. Right apartment. Now go ahead and knock. Just do it. What have you got to lose? I shook my head to stop the constant commentary in my brain. I lifted a shaky hand to the door and then pulled it away. Taking a deep breath, I pressed my body against the nearby wall and laid a palm against my chest. I suddenly realized how terrified I was. I also knew that maybe this wasn't the right time to do this. I'd wait a night or two...come back...try again...I turned to leave when the door swung open beside me. I crept along the wall slowly until I was safely hidden in a darkened corner of the hallway and held my breath. I watched as a figure came out of the apartment, the harsh scent of cigarettes hitting the air almost immediately. Leaning forward a bit, I drank in the figure and then pulled in a deep breath. It was him...
Seeing Spike for the first time in almost two years was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Knowing that he wasn't really dead...that he was here...that he'd been hiding from me...well...it was unsettling. I watched him from my hiding place and made mental notes. He still wore that leather duster...still had the white blonde hair shellacked to his head...and the ever-present cigarette dangling from his mouth. It was really him. He glanced down the hallway, looking both ways and I held my breath.
"Anyone there?" he called out and then waited a moment. "If you're a beastie or a spook, I'm telling you now you picked the wrong baddie to mess with...you get me...go haunt the living."
I watched as Spike frowned and narrowed his eyes. He lifted his nose to the air and then tilted his head. In the near-darkness I could see something like recognition come over him and he took a few more steps. One more step and he would know I was there. I let out tiny breaths and hoped his vampire senses would be off tonight.
"Slayer...Buffy..." he called softly to the darkness and something inside of me wanted to call back to him.
God this was hard. What was I doing? Why didn't I just step out of the darkness and show myself? Why was I frozen to this spot? Damn it!
I squeezed my eyes shut. Reaching for the amulet in my pocket, I squeezed it tightly. It was taking an enormous amount of strength to stop me from running to him. Leaning forward for a closer look, I saw Spike's head lower as he sighed and took a drag from his cigarette. The phone inside his apartment began to ring and to my relief, Spike turned and walked back inside, closing the door behind him. Sighing with relief, I took slow measured steps away from the corner I'd been cowering in, and then made a mad dash for the stairs. In moments, I was outside. Taking deep breaths, I levered my hands on my knees and took in the night air. Slowly, I began to walk away, wrapping my arms around myself as I shivered from the cold. Shaking my head, I realized something. This wasn't going to happen. It was a mistake. Just a big mistake. Resignedly, I thought of home. Maybe it was time to pack this thing up and call it a night. I had made a bad choice and come to a conclusion. I was too terrified to do this. I knew that I could never see Spike again, what had I been thinking?
Crossing the street, my thoughts raced around inside my head. Suddenly I stopped. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I turned around. Someone was coming. If it was a mugger or some macho guy with sexual assault on his mind, he was going to get a really painful wake-up call. I lifted my fists and opened my stance, ready to fight as the figure drew closer. My breath hitched in my chest as I got a better look at who was approaching and my arms fell limply to my sides. Soon, the figure was standing in front of me and we were eye to eye.
"I knew it was you. Thought you could fool me didn't you, love. You always forget...vampire here...I can smell you...and some scents you never forget...hmm pet?"
TO BE CONTINUED...