Disclaimer: Not mine. Btw, I would like to point out that sometimes I
accidentally steal stuff (quotes and the like) from assorted places. If
anyone recognizes a line or something in my story, feel free to let me know
because I just forget.
A/N: Aww snap...I'm in trouble, I know it (if I still have some readers...please please please gimme another chance!). I owe an explanation, so here goes. Earlier, like the few weeks following the release of my last chapter, I just sat around trying to think of something to write. I actually did once, but I stupidly was too lazy to write it at the moment (:- P mwa ha), then I didn't remember what I was going to write. Then, of course, when I finally figured something out, my whole computer had this HUGE meltdown (meaning it crashed) so I couldn't write anything. I'm still kind of wary of my computer; only half the crap that used to be on it is currently on it, so I'm not a happy camper. But I shall valiantly try to start updating again, though I will make no promises.
Another thing I feel compelled to say. My last few chapters have been slightly sucky and fluffy...at least by my standards. So I plan on trying to return to the original mission of my story. I haven't exactly figured out what it is, but when I do I'll let you know.
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The first week of school after break was excruciatingly long. The weekend didn't come quickly enough, and the first thing I did after my last class on Friday was return to my dorm and watch Titanic, obviously drawing the curtains around my bed in an attempt to spare me from the disturbing images I knew I would have seen had they been open.
It's not all that hard to figure out.
Since I had to stop for dinner, Titanic lasted me well into the night, so when it was over I fell asleep. The next morning, I was sitting at the Slytherin table, eating a bagel (my new addiction, which nevertheless could never replace my coffee, but whatever), when the mail came.
I noticed a rather familiar looking owl once again flying at me. My first reaction wasn't really all that worried; I mean, how many things could my mother possibly send me in a single week?
When the demon owl landed in front of me, however, I reminded myself that it WAS my mother. One could never assume when it came to her.
I raised my eyebrows at the owl. "We meet again, my feathery friend. What joys have you brought me this morning?"
The owl, insulted at being kept holding my mail for so long, tried to stab me with its claws in an attempt to free itself of the package. I pulled off the string that was tying the package to its foot, and the owl flew off angrily. "Yeah, nice seeing you too!" I yelled after it. It hooted evilly.
I read the note attached to the package. 'Don't worry, they're not more condoms. Even you couldn't have gone through the supply I sent you this week that quickly.' I blinked. 'There's an interesting article in here I think you should read. Page 54. Love, Mum.'
I groaned. This could not be good. I tore off the paper and unrolled one of my mother's dirty magazines (which she pretends are not really dirty, but I know better...I mean, I AM sixteen).
I shook my head. Fortunately, there weren't too many people in the Great Hall, as it was Saturday morning and anyone in their right mind would still be asleep. The lack of people to mock me and/or stare at me oddly upon seeing me with this sick magazine was the only, and I mean ONLY, thing that made me open up my mother's latest copy of Playwitch.
I flipped to page 54 and the title immediately jumped up at me 'UNPROTECTED SEX: FIVE WITCHES TELL THEIR SHOCKING STORIES'.
I sighed. My mother actually thought I would be happier about this than a package of condoms. I'd have to have a talk with her at the first possible opportunity.
I don't know how it happened, but ten minutes later I could actually be found reading the article, my skepticism completely irrelevant. It was actually surprisingly interesting, though, as a straight male, I was pretty freaked out by the whole thing anyway.
When I was almost finished with the article, I noticed someone walking over to me. I glanced up and saw Ginny. "Hey Malfoy. Why are you reading male porn?" This was all said in a completely nonchalant tone.
"My darling mother has sent it to me. She wants to make sure the contraceptives are put to good use."
"I suggest you write to her and tell her you're gay." I blinked. I wasn't exactly sure how this would help, but Ginny quite obviously thought it would. "Anyway, that's actually what I wanted to ask you about."
I stared. "You're questioning my sexuality?"
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, Malfoy, I saw the way you were checking out Jack that first time we watched Titanic. But seriously, I was wondering if you had any more of those things you gave me and Blaise."
I once again blinked up at her. "You mean the condoms?" I shuddered to think about it.
She nodded. "Yeah, those. We're all out." I raised my eyebrows. It wasn't entirely surprising, but still not wonderful to know. "Where do you get them?"
"Well, my mother sends them to me because she's convinced I need them, though if I actually did have the need for it, I've rather mastered the contraceptive charm, if I do say so myself." I smirked. That and the sex change charm. The other day in Potions class, while Finch-Fletchley and I were working on our potion, he had felt something...unnatural going on underneath the desk. Upon looking, we found Mr. Norris, who was then put back on house arrest.
"Anyway," I continued, "the contraceptive charm, I'm told, is a rather reliable option, but you won't be learning that until at least next year. Unfortunately for you, I happen to know that your lover isn't wonderful in Charms and could actually end up singeing something that might put a bit of a damper on your social lives. So I'd say your best bet is to look around Hogsmeade." The subject of our conversation finally hit me. It rather disgusted me that I had sunk so low that I was advising others on their sex lives.
Suddenly, I heard another voice, familiar and yet not at the same time, from behind us. "Have you ever heard of a muggle thing called a vending machine?" I turned around and saw Finch-Fletchley.
I was rather shocked; not that he had been listening or that he was now taking part in our vivid conversation. No, I was surprised that he was speaking at all. I'd heard that he'd become unnaturally quiet since his run- in with Mr. Norris. I couldn't blame him; any sexual experience with that feline hermaphrodite would be enough to turn me catatonic and earn me a two- year lockdown at a psyche ward.
Ginny and I both shook our heads. Finch-Fletchley continued. "Well, there these things that muggles have that you can get soda and candy and other assorted, equally fattening tidbits from. Anyway, it hotels and such, they sometimes sell condoms, which is kind of sick if you think about it."
I saw what he was getting at. Anything that dispensed both junk food and contraception at the same time was twisted in my book.
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That conversation was quickly over; there was only so much concerning that subject that we could talk about in one sitting. However, when I finished reading my mother's article, I spontaneously went to the next page and found a far more interesting article.
'ORGIES AND ORGASMS: THE REAL LIVES OF BOARDING SCHOOL GIRLS'. My jaw dropped. There was NO way my mother could have seen this or she would have specifically forced me to read it.
I tried to resist. I honestly tried to just close the magazine and get on my day.
Then, of course, I stopped trying. I was a teenage guy, after all.
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It didn't take me long to finish the article, but the time it did take was well worth it. I learned more in those three pages than I had learned over the past six years at Hogwarts. Needless to say, it was enlightening.
Something made me feel the need to see if what the magazine said was true. I could only hope it was.
I saw Hermione sitting at the Gryffindor table. I grinned and sidled over to her. She was sitting with her back to me and so didn't see me. I sat down next to her.
She didn't look up from her book; I could only assume she was used to this by now. "Yes?"
"Morning, Hermione. Enjoying your breakfast?"
"Sure. Is there something you want?"
I nodded. "I was just reading a very interesting article, and I just want to let you know that...well, I now know."
"What do you know?" She still wasn't looking up at me. This was making it far more fun.
"Everything. All the things you thought you could hide from me. I'm insulted you try to keep these things from me."
"I still don't know what you're talking about." She still wasn't annoyed. This was strange. Perhaps she actually had MORE patience in the morning and it wore off as the day went on.
"Let's make this easy. Will you take your shirt off for me?"
Hermione stopped reading and looked up, blinking at the wall. I couldn't help grinning. She picked up her glass of orange juice and slowly poured it over my head.
I blinked orange juice out of my eyes, but I was still grinning. "Okay, maybe some other time. But I'll have you know that I've actually fantasize about this exact moment. Would you care to do that again? I'll even pour the orange juice for you."
Hermione closed her book and stood up. "I'm going to go now. Goodbye, Draco."
I waved. "See you later. We'll do that whole flashing thing. It'll be fun."
She made no reply.
As soon as she was out of the Great Hall, I went back over to the Slytherin table and picked up the note from my mother that was somehow still there. I grabbed a quill from God knows where and wrote on the back, 'Mum. I found an article I think you might be interested in. I don't think you've read it yet. Page 58. Enjoy! Draco.'
I taped it to the cover of the magazine, and put it in my bag, too lazy to owl it at the moment.
Okay, so I was slightly perverted. Yes, I only considered myself SLIGHTLY perverted.
Ah, the joys of the teenage years.
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A/N: Man, I'm sorry that chapter's so short. I'm just trying to get it out as soon as I can, and I have like ten minutes until I have to leave for the day, so I'm gonna get this bad boy out NOW, woot. Okay, so enjoy the chapter, and on to my thankses.
You rock hard: Gryffindor620, sweet-soph, Imy, Some12, snakewise, CassandraTheEvil, natyslacks, In Dreams, relena333, RivanKnight, Lady Mistress, Lydia Riddle, i cant find the snitch, ghypscee, dangelu881, Darkening Sky, Mila, and Irishsodabread (damn that stuff is good...Irish soda bread, I mean).
kiwi36: Draco hearts Hermione, Hermione hearts Draco...just don't tell them because they don't know it yet, haha. Yes, I've seen Chicago. "So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots......INTO HIS HEAD."
super sycoh: Yeah, I always wondered why Rose just didn't get off. But whatever.
RikuNghts: Poor Draco...and poor me, I'll never be able to sit on my couch again...think Blaise and Ginny, except...um, someone else
DanishGirl: Thanks! Except I don't really think I should go around saying that...:-) haha. Is there any chance that you could possibly tell me how to say 'I love Danish boys' instead? Haha thanks much.
Fallon: Wow. Thank you so much. I try to write Draco's character as best I can, and this is how I perceive him from the book, hence the birth of my story.
burgundyred: My friend wanted them to be like "Kay, I love you, let's do it now" but I was all "Um, no". I'm afraid of rushing it, but this chapter kind of brought it back to their wonderful love-hate-annoyance relationship. It's more fun that way. Plus I put more Narcissa in this chapter, who by the way is my mom meets the mom (not the Indian one, the other one) from Bend it Like Beckham, if you've seen it. They all like hang out. Go to the beach. Party. Kay, I'm not making any sense, I'll stop now.
FrozenFlames: Oh darn...gee, I probably did steal that, didn't I? Oops. Check out my disclaimer on this chapter; I don't really mean to steal things, I'm stupid and I don't realize I'm doing it, but if I do it more just like yell at me or whatever.
Syaoronsangel: Very very sorry, but my email account is kind of screwed up and I have trouble actually emailing people. It's a very tragic story. Sorry though.
kougasgirl05: Thank you very much. I'm trying to give Draco the best character I can, and I kind of base some of the humor on real junk that like happens to me...in a way. Okay.
Remorseful Passion: Don't even worry about it. You forget to read, I forget to update, we're even.
Hustler: I actually kind of DID make Mr. Norris a hermaphrodite in this chapter (or mentioned it), so there you go.
Muchas amoro, and happy Easter/Passover/Eastover/whatever!
Eastover is my own personal holiday. We burn incense, eat candy, and tell each other what we dislike about them. It's great.
A/N: Aww snap...I'm in trouble, I know it (if I still have some readers...please please please gimme another chance!). I owe an explanation, so here goes. Earlier, like the few weeks following the release of my last chapter, I just sat around trying to think of something to write. I actually did once, but I stupidly was too lazy to write it at the moment (:- P mwa ha), then I didn't remember what I was going to write. Then, of course, when I finally figured something out, my whole computer had this HUGE meltdown (meaning it crashed) so I couldn't write anything. I'm still kind of wary of my computer; only half the crap that used to be on it is currently on it, so I'm not a happy camper. But I shall valiantly try to start updating again, though I will make no promises.
Another thing I feel compelled to say. My last few chapters have been slightly sucky and fluffy...at least by my standards. So I plan on trying to return to the original mission of my story. I haven't exactly figured out what it is, but when I do I'll let you know.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The first week of school after break was excruciatingly long. The weekend didn't come quickly enough, and the first thing I did after my last class on Friday was return to my dorm and watch Titanic, obviously drawing the curtains around my bed in an attempt to spare me from the disturbing images I knew I would have seen had they been open.
It's not all that hard to figure out.
Since I had to stop for dinner, Titanic lasted me well into the night, so when it was over I fell asleep. The next morning, I was sitting at the Slytherin table, eating a bagel (my new addiction, which nevertheless could never replace my coffee, but whatever), when the mail came.
I noticed a rather familiar looking owl once again flying at me. My first reaction wasn't really all that worried; I mean, how many things could my mother possibly send me in a single week?
When the demon owl landed in front of me, however, I reminded myself that it WAS my mother. One could never assume when it came to her.
I raised my eyebrows at the owl. "We meet again, my feathery friend. What joys have you brought me this morning?"
The owl, insulted at being kept holding my mail for so long, tried to stab me with its claws in an attempt to free itself of the package. I pulled off the string that was tying the package to its foot, and the owl flew off angrily. "Yeah, nice seeing you too!" I yelled after it. It hooted evilly.
I read the note attached to the package. 'Don't worry, they're not more condoms. Even you couldn't have gone through the supply I sent you this week that quickly.' I blinked. 'There's an interesting article in here I think you should read. Page 54. Love, Mum.'
I groaned. This could not be good. I tore off the paper and unrolled one of my mother's dirty magazines (which she pretends are not really dirty, but I know better...I mean, I AM sixteen).
I shook my head. Fortunately, there weren't too many people in the Great Hall, as it was Saturday morning and anyone in their right mind would still be asleep. The lack of people to mock me and/or stare at me oddly upon seeing me with this sick magazine was the only, and I mean ONLY, thing that made me open up my mother's latest copy of Playwitch.
I flipped to page 54 and the title immediately jumped up at me 'UNPROTECTED SEX: FIVE WITCHES TELL THEIR SHOCKING STORIES'.
I sighed. My mother actually thought I would be happier about this than a package of condoms. I'd have to have a talk with her at the first possible opportunity.
I don't know how it happened, but ten minutes later I could actually be found reading the article, my skepticism completely irrelevant. It was actually surprisingly interesting, though, as a straight male, I was pretty freaked out by the whole thing anyway.
When I was almost finished with the article, I noticed someone walking over to me. I glanced up and saw Ginny. "Hey Malfoy. Why are you reading male porn?" This was all said in a completely nonchalant tone.
"My darling mother has sent it to me. She wants to make sure the contraceptives are put to good use."
"I suggest you write to her and tell her you're gay." I blinked. I wasn't exactly sure how this would help, but Ginny quite obviously thought it would. "Anyway, that's actually what I wanted to ask you about."
I stared. "You're questioning my sexuality?"
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, Malfoy, I saw the way you were checking out Jack that first time we watched Titanic. But seriously, I was wondering if you had any more of those things you gave me and Blaise."
I once again blinked up at her. "You mean the condoms?" I shuddered to think about it.
She nodded. "Yeah, those. We're all out." I raised my eyebrows. It wasn't entirely surprising, but still not wonderful to know. "Where do you get them?"
"Well, my mother sends them to me because she's convinced I need them, though if I actually did have the need for it, I've rather mastered the contraceptive charm, if I do say so myself." I smirked. That and the sex change charm. The other day in Potions class, while Finch-Fletchley and I were working on our potion, he had felt something...unnatural going on underneath the desk. Upon looking, we found Mr. Norris, who was then put back on house arrest.
"Anyway," I continued, "the contraceptive charm, I'm told, is a rather reliable option, but you won't be learning that until at least next year. Unfortunately for you, I happen to know that your lover isn't wonderful in Charms and could actually end up singeing something that might put a bit of a damper on your social lives. So I'd say your best bet is to look around Hogsmeade." The subject of our conversation finally hit me. It rather disgusted me that I had sunk so low that I was advising others on their sex lives.
Suddenly, I heard another voice, familiar and yet not at the same time, from behind us. "Have you ever heard of a muggle thing called a vending machine?" I turned around and saw Finch-Fletchley.
I was rather shocked; not that he had been listening or that he was now taking part in our vivid conversation. No, I was surprised that he was speaking at all. I'd heard that he'd become unnaturally quiet since his run- in with Mr. Norris. I couldn't blame him; any sexual experience with that feline hermaphrodite would be enough to turn me catatonic and earn me a two- year lockdown at a psyche ward.
Ginny and I both shook our heads. Finch-Fletchley continued. "Well, there these things that muggles have that you can get soda and candy and other assorted, equally fattening tidbits from. Anyway, it hotels and such, they sometimes sell condoms, which is kind of sick if you think about it."
I saw what he was getting at. Anything that dispensed both junk food and contraception at the same time was twisted in my book.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That conversation was quickly over; there was only so much concerning that subject that we could talk about in one sitting. However, when I finished reading my mother's article, I spontaneously went to the next page and found a far more interesting article.
'ORGIES AND ORGASMS: THE REAL LIVES OF BOARDING SCHOOL GIRLS'. My jaw dropped. There was NO way my mother could have seen this or she would have specifically forced me to read it.
I tried to resist. I honestly tried to just close the magazine and get on my day.
Then, of course, I stopped trying. I was a teenage guy, after all.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It didn't take me long to finish the article, but the time it did take was well worth it. I learned more in those three pages than I had learned over the past six years at Hogwarts. Needless to say, it was enlightening.
Something made me feel the need to see if what the magazine said was true. I could only hope it was.
I saw Hermione sitting at the Gryffindor table. I grinned and sidled over to her. She was sitting with her back to me and so didn't see me. I sat down next to her.
She didn't look up from her book; I could only assume she was used to this by now. "Yes?"
"Morning, Hermione. Enjoying your breakfast?"
"Sure. Is there something you want?"
I nodded. "I was just reading a very interesting article, and I just want to let you know that...well, I now know."
"What do you know?" She still wasn't looking up at me. This was making it far more fun.
"Everything. All the things you thought you could hide from me. I'm insulted you try to keep these things from me."
"I still don't know what you're talking about." She still wasn't annoyed. This was strange. Perhaps she actually had MORE patience in the morning and it wore off as the day went on.
"Let's make this easy. Will you take your shirt off for me?"
Hermione stopped reading and looked up, blinking at the wall. I couldn't help grinning. She picked up her glass of orange juice and slowly poured it over my head.
I blinked orange juice out of my eyes, but I was still grinning. "Okay, maybe some other time. But I'll have you know that I've actually fantasize about this exact moment. Would you care to do that again? I'll even pour the orange juice for you."
Hermione closed her book and stood up. "I'm going to go now. Goodbye, Draco."
I waved. "See you later. We'll do that whole flashing thing. It'll be fun."
She made no reply.
As soon as she was out of the Great Hall, I went back over to the Slytherin table and picked up the note from my mother that was somehow still there. I grabbed a quill from God knows where and wrote on the back, 'Mum. I found an article I think you might be interested in. I don't think you've read it yet. Page 58. Enjoy! Draco.'
I taped it to the cover of the magazine, and put it in my bag, too lazy to owl it at the moment.
Okay, so I was slightly perverted. Yes, I only considered myself SLIGHTLY perverted.
Ah, the joys of the teenage years.
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A/N: Man, I'm sorry that chapter's so short. I'm just trying to get it out as soon as I can, and I have like ten minutes until I have to leave for the day, so I'm gonna get this bad boy out NOW, woot. Okay, so enjoy the chapter, and on to my thankses.
You rock hard: Gryffindor620, sweet-soph, Imy, Some12, snakewise, CassandraTheEvil, natyslacks, In Dreams, relena333, RivanKnight, Lady Mistress, Lydia Riddle, i cant find the snitch, ghypscee, dangelu881, Darkening Sky, Mila, and Irishsodabread (damn that stuff is good...Irish soda bread, I mean).
kiwi36: Draco hearts Hermione, Hermione hearts Draco...just don't tell them because they don't know it yet, haha. Yes, I've seen Chicago. "So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots......INTO HIS HEAD."
super sycoh: Yeah, I always wondered why Rose just didn't get off. But whatever.
RikuNghts: Poor Draco...and poor me, I'll never be able to sit on my couch again...think Blaise and Ginny, except...um, someone else
DanishGirl: Thanks! Except I don't really think I should go around saying that...:-) haha. Is there any chance that you could possibly tell me how to say 'I love Danish boys' instead? Haha thanks much.
Fallon: Wow. Thank you so much. I try to write Draco's character as best I can, and this is how I perceive him from the book, hence the birth of my story.
burgundyred: My friend wanted them to be like "Kay, I love you, let's do it now" but I was all "Um, no". I'm afraid of rushing it, but this chapter kind of brought it back to their wonderful love-hate-annoyance relationship. It's more fun that way. Plus I put more Narcissa in this chapter, who by the way is my mom meets the mom (not the Indian one, the other one) from Bend it Like Beckham, if you've seen it. They all like hang out. Go to the beach. Party. Kay, I'm not making any sense, I'll stop now.
FrozenFlames: Oh darn...gee, I probably did steal that, didn't I? Oops. Check out my disclaimer on this chapter; I don't really mean to steal things, I'm stupid and I don't realize I'm doing it, but if I do it more just like yell at me or whatever.
Syaoronsangel: Very very sorry, but my email account is kind of screwed up and I have trouble actually emailing people. It's a very tragic story. Sorry though.
kougasgirl05: Thank you very much. I'm trying to give Draco the best character I can, and I kind of base some of the humor on real junk that like happens to me...in a way. Okay.
Remorseful Passion: Don't even worry about it. You forget to read, I forget to update, we're even.
Hustler: I actually kind of DID make Mr. Norris a hermaphrodite in this chapter (or mentioned it), so there you go.
Muchas amoro, and happy Easter/Passover/Eastover/whatever!
Eastover is my own personal holiday. We burn incense, eat candy, and tell each other what we dislike about them. It's great.