Notes:
… Narration
… Reflections
"…" Spoken words for the scene
'…' Direct thoughts for the scene
… Dark thoughts/reflections from deep within
x-x-x-x-x Separation borders to indicate chosen song Lyrics
x-x Separation borders to indicate a memory
Separation borders to indicate entrance into the soul will be the border provided in Document Manager.
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Behind the Blindfold of Lies - Tourniquet...
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I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can't live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can't even hear me screaming
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"So tell me, Joseph. What is this new dream telling about your wondrous future…?"
"I'm not sure, Father, but I want to believe it means I'm destined to rise to a high position in society, where my decisions will contribute greatly to the future."
"Oh, my son. This is simply amazing. I've always known you were blessed and fated for greatness, but to hear it prophesized brings tears of pride to my eyes."
"Oh…you needn't cry, father. I'm still only guessing at what I see. Only time will prove me right or wrong."
"Have faith, Joseph. Have faith… You know… When I gaze at your eyes, those gorgeous aquamarine eyes, all I see is your mother. Her eyes were bluer, yes, but you look so much like her, that it matters not. When I look into your water-tinted eyes, I see hope and light for the future… You are destined for greatness…"
"Thank you, Father. Your support means a lot."
"…Uh---um… Excuse me… Father…"
"Hmm…Issachar! How long have you been standing there?"
"U-Uh…N-Not long… J-Just a couple of seconds…"
"Well, what is it?"
"I just wanted to make sure the new crop layout and arrangement was okay with you, so that I can start planting---"
"Yes, yes. Hurry off, now. There's lots to do…"
"Y-Yes…okay… Thank you…"
"Hang on, brother Issachar. Wait for me! I'll come out and help you. Many hands make light work, you know."
"Oh…that's okay, Joseph. Thanks for the offer, but I can manage just fine…"
"Don't be silly, boy. With Joseph's help, it will get done twice as fast. You should learn to accept help once and a while."
"Yes…but…Father…"
"Don't be stubborn. Both of you, go on now. The seeds won't plant themselves."
"…Yes…sir…"
"All right, Issachar. Let's go and tackle this thing together."
"Yeah…Joseph…together…great…"
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I try and suppress it, but another sigh leaks from my lips into the mild Canaan air. The sun had taken its leave a few hours prior, and with my work done, I drifted off into the night to be alone for a while. The rest of the afternoon is basically a blur, a murky swirl of colours in my fractured mind. I haven't spoken a word in hours, though no one seemed to take any notice. Probably for the better; I'm not exactly keen on explaining it to anyone right now.
A small breeze ruffles my short, dark hair, the looser strands waving listlessly. My eyes feel blank as they stare across the bluish sands and into the black horizon. It's like the pupil and iris have melded together, leaving the black and aqua tints as a cloudy teal mess.
Though I loved gazing up at the stars, I forced myself to give it up. The very thought of the precious sky betraying me to give Joseph a bigger ego just brings more burning emotion to these empty spheres of mine. As I've said, I have virtually nothing of my own left; nothing I care about escapes the vortex of darkness. It leaves a bitter taste to say the least.
My arms wrap around my knees tighter, pressing my legs against my chest and abdomen. My forearms hide most of my face now, allowing only my eyes and forehead to continue watching the scenery. My thoughts try desperately to float away from those hated memories, but it's getting so hard to run away in my mind now. I try and escape one door, but it just opens another, this one filled with pain. Another door: Sadness; Another: Bitterness; Another: Anger; Another: Tears; Another: Loneliness; Another: Longing; Multiples open and reveal more hatred.
The list goes on forever, and once one door opens, it becomes impossible to shut. A hopeless maze of ultimate darkness and hell…
…Such is…me…
'I wouldn't advertise that if I were you.' Reuben's joking tone still holds strong within my mind and I find myself fighting the urge to smile a little. I once told my brothers this portrayal of my mind, and that was his response. Most of them joined in with more comments to make light of the situation and eventually, we just laughed and let it go. But deep down, I knew it was a strain for every one of us to do so. I only remember one face from that day, the countenance of the loneliest of us all.
He looked at me for only a split second, but the effect felt like eternity. Two bright cerulean orbs that not only understood my words, but dealt with them every second of his life. Usually the one to offer hopeful tips for random things, that day, he was completely silent. But again, it was the eyes that affected me.
A child's eyes are meant to be blissfully joyful, full of foolish, imaginative light of aspiring dreams. Bursting with laughter, sparkling with child-like joys and innocence, which will fade over time, but at that moment, mean everything in the world. Soaked in curious wonder, but mostly, warmed by a deep love and compassion given to them by their family, but especially their parents…
I faintly remember that age of my own where the best friends aren't actually there, ancient creatures lived all around and the sky was boundless. The clouds are always something and even the smallest creature is not only a fascination, but also an object for protection. Each of us felt like that once, each clinging to those memories for dear life. But Benjamin; young, innocent Benjamin, was denied this state of pink cloud dreams. Tainted by rejection and loneliness from day one, Benjamin relies on our comfort to get him through the dark days and sleepless nights. Also son to Rachel, but included in our reject circle, Benjamin understands our pain and more.
What was meant to be sparkling Laguna, has now become blackened ultramarine, an agonizing mess of broken dreams and shattered colour.
All because of him…him…HIM…
"Hey, bud. You look bluer than Gad on a cold night." I don't need to look at the newcomer, his voice being the makeshift father I have come to rely upon. The comment was a running joke, since the eleven of us all know that Gad has zero heat retention, including Gad himself.
I can feel him sit beside me, and sense his amber shades fall upon my unaltered entity. I am really thankful he's come; some dangerous thoughts have arisen in my mind and I ache to find the answers I seek, before the acid eats away too extensively. But there's a part that would rather not know…Why, I wonder?
"Just trying to match the scenery, I guess…" Though my sentences drift off still, I don't stutter like a chattering idiot when I speak away from my "father". Maybe it's because he listens to me or it's because he can't stand Joseph either, or again, a combination of both. Either way, being with him makes me actually feel important.
"He hit you pretty hard today, didn't he?" Another thing I like about my eldest brother; though he's compassionate towards one's feelings, he's also straight to the point. No manipulative word games or fancy dancing around; simple intelligent sentences that identify the problem instantly and work rapidly to fix it.
"…Yeah…a little… What gave me away…?" My body betrays me and shivers a little. What's worrying? It's not that cold out here. No… This chill is internal, as though, my soul had literally frozen. I almost feel completely numb; my emotions still stand, but with each second that fades into the past, I seem to fall further into that state of darkness my mind keeps offering. What's worse is: the fear that's been holding me back, keeping me sane and safe… Its chains are loosening and the silvery key is in sight. At this rate, it won't be long before I'll be groping for that small object with a mad passion…
I can't take this anymore… I hate him so much… I wish he would disappear…gone…gone… I want him to…to…
Die…
"Hmm…well, considering these are the first words you've spoken in at least seven hours and you've had this shadow in your eyes for a while now, I figured it was safe to assume." His legs extend out and he leans back on his hands, staring into the horizon much like myself. His voice is so soft and caring; it almost sounds unreal, like some otherworldly manifestation of my mind.
"Even Levi looked worried regarding you, and you know how hard it is to work him up…"
I'm getting worse… It's getting harder to keep this suppressed… Losing control… Falling into darkness…
"Yeah…"
Ask him…No…I can't… Ask him… I don't want to know… Ask him… B-But… Ask HIM…
"Reuben…" I notice him turn to look at me, and though I haven't moved, I can see the nervousness within tawny spheres. He had caught the dark note in my distant tone. I didn't want to ask, but something inside has taken control. I've confronted the reaper now, and I lay between light and dark, a faded twilight. His scythe rests upon my throat, waiting to determine my fate.
Ask him NOW…
"Why do you hate Joseph…?" I know I caught him off guard, though he shows little to prove it. I wonder if it's because he knew that I had figured him out? I wonder if he fights with himself over that feeling, struggles against the choking tendrils of deepest obsidian…
He looks solemnly at me, as though remembering the day he himself asked that. How long ago was it, I wonder? Slowly, he falls back onto the sand, lying back on his hands, and lets out a steady sigh.
"…Gee…Issachar… That's kinda blunt… I…I'm not sure how I can---"
Make him say it…
"Please, Reuben…please tell me…" Help me understand this painful feeling… The scythe moves closer, grazing the flesh ever so slightly, savouring the metallic tang as the tiny trail slips over the platinum blade. It waits impatiently…waits to taste more…
"Hmmm…well…there are so many reasons. By themselves, they may seem like nothing but petty excuses. I guess it's the overwhelming combination that just possessed me." Possessed? How often have I used that word in regards to this situation…? More than I'd like to admit… To hear Reuben use it gives me a flicker of dark hope…
…Hope that everyone understands me…
That's not enough… You're still clinging to the light… You're still afraid… What combination? ASK HIM!
"What reasons, Reuben? Please tell me… I…I need to know…" He sighs again; worry or relief? I don't know…
…Currently…nor do I care…
"…Okay…Mostly, it's all the attention he gets. It's one thing to be favoured unjustly; it's another to be worshipped…" My lips act on their own and issue him a whispered response, urging him forward. So far, my own dark feelings are justified…more hope…
"I mean, everyone adores him. And you know I'm not exaggerating when I say 'everyone'." Another whisper. "And you know what? Even though it kind of bothers me, I'm…okay with it. Really…who am I to judge what other people think? It's discouraging, sure, to have people like him better for no apparent reason, but… I can live with that." It's true; I've told myself that before. So people prefer Joseph; that's their decision. It sucks, but life is tough…
The blade waits… Softly, the dark void in my heart starts to ripple outwards, like an ink stain… The cold steel waits…
"But then…there was our Father. I can handle everyone else, but this is our parent. He's supposed to love us equally, no?" Biting back the urge to mutter 'apparently not' into the still air, I bite my lip and wait.
"I've done everything except sell my soul for our father, and it doesn't mean spit to him. And even if I did, it still wouldn't matter. He still loves Joseph more. But I'm his son, too… Why doesn't he acknowledge that anymore…?" H-He understands, t-too…? Yes, he would… The term son, dear boy or any other affectionate title has been stripped from all of us, or in Benjamin's case, never existed. The void widens, but it makes me feel happier, not afraid…
…I'm not alone…
"But again, I can't control the way people feel. If our father wants to honour Joseph over me…then……fine…"He stops to sigh a little. The hurt air practically lifts and enters me, locating its comfort within my heart and settling heavily.
"And it's not like I can blame Joseph either. Heh…don't get me wrong… There's nothing I'd like to do more. I want to say he conspired it, but we all know that's not true. This applies with everyone else liking him too; we can't use it as an excuse to curse him…" How is this possible? I know he's my brother, but should he feel exactly the same way I do? Every word…? Should I really feel relieved or should my soul spiderweb and fall into the bottomless abyss? I still don't know how to truly feel…Am I too lost or…
…I hate him…I hate him…I hate him… All this pain… I can't take this… This has to stop!
"Then… Joseph got his coat. You know how hard I fight the drive of materialism, so I'm sure you can acknowledge how serious this is for me to mention it…" I whisper to him again, my voice gone and relying on the mere air from my lungs to answer.
"Okay, so Father loves him best…Fine…but does he have to flaunt it to the world? I feel discarded enough, and now my own father posts this flashing neon sign to announce it to everyone…" He sighs again and I accept the pained release into my heart once more.
"But again…I calmed myself down, searched out the positive side and just let it go. Materialism… It's just a coat, so what? Just an overly loud jacket that doesn't reflect true personality. I'll just have to rely on my superior intelligence and good looks instead…" He laughs a little to lighten my spirits, but barely receives a reaction. Caught between my numbing realizations of feeling justified and wondering what it meant, I remain completely focused on the inky horizon line. Taking note of my nerve-wracking silence, my brother prepares to continue…
Just one reason after another… Why should we have to suffer through this…? More importantly, how much longer can we stand against him…?
A sudden stab within my hand brings those darkening tendrils tighter, causing the reaper of my mind to laugh with such twisted amusement; I shudder again. Those harsh words are getting louder… No longer dark static either, but clear, focused statements…
...Biting cold steel lies upon my shoulder, blade ever poised…Am I too lost to be saved…?
"It wasn't enough that everyone else was shoving our faces in the dirt of failure and inferiority, but then, Joseph jumped on the band wagon with those demeaning dreams of his. But it extends so much deeper than that… So, not only does the "world" treat Joseph like some deity, but now, God favours him as well. How can we compete with that?" I don't respond, trapped in the black abyss of indecision. But I can feel that hateful void spread again, accepting the explanation and growing stronger. My slowing heart trembles with a familiar, though faltering fear, as though it anticipated my betrayal.
"But if he is truly meant to be blessed, then I'm happy for him, despite my inner thoughts. I shouldn't be jealous of someone who has been kissed with success. I guess it was more the dreams themselves…" Yes…it was the dreams and how they were portrayed, not so much by whom they were told by…
The very thought of the precious sky betraying me to give Joseph a bigger ego just brings more burning emotion to these empty spheres of mine…
…I… Hate… Him…
"My most treasured work is the cornfield. It probably applies to all of you, but it's my pride and joy. Blood, sweat and tears, I put my soul into growing my share of the corn quota. As stupid as it sounds, my stalks are like my babies and I take great pride in watching them grow over the months. And when they're harvested and sold, I just get this warm feeling inside…" I can feel my whole body loosen and I become rather curious. It's been ages since I've heard Reuben talk so passionately about something. His voice almost sounds euphoric; I can practically see the light sparkling in his amber spheres. He hasn't been passionate in years, yes, but his eyes, when they're shining, they are impossible to forget. I miss this… Being happy…I miss it…
…All because of him… He took everything away… No… He continues to strip you and your brothers of every possible thing… He's taken control of you all… He's taken your happiness…your pride…you…
…It's all his fault…
"But Joseph…he destroyed all of that…" Reuben's dramatic change in tone almost scares me, but in my current state, I don't react as much as I should have. But it still caught me off guard and I actually find my sight abandoning the Indigo horizon to glance at him. This time, I did shiver and had to look away. The darkness I caught in those spheres, even if just for a split-second glimpse, sent paralyzing tremors through my spine. Reuben was the most together of us all, most responsible and…least likely to hate anything. That's what made my question so obscure and risky…
But you knew… Deep down inside…you knew… Brothers are perceptive…but should you know and understand him so clearly…? Look what he's done to you… Look what he's done…
"It was bad enough that his dreams told of how I am inferior, but for him to use what I love most to…" Inky black engulfs further… Frozen steel grazes again…
…That affected you, too, but it was his control of your star that got you, wasn't it…? How he swiped what was most precious to you for his own selfish use… He's shattered you…all of you…
"It's not enough that my hard work…MY pride and joy was bowing down to that bloated ego dreamer… No! But something I put so much into, something that hold's my soul's very essence, he dares to call that life…my life…green, small and second rate! I couldn't believe that overbearing egotism…it ruined everything I held so dear!" Reuben's violent growl accentuates his words beyond perfection, but it threw such a violent stab of ice into my blood, I fear suffering from a chill that will haunt me forever, eternally infused to my bones. My hand throbs again, though its cause seems unknown…
…Is it agreement…or is it a warning…?
It takes Reuben so long to get composed again; this scares me further. I never realized just how deeply Joseph's reign of destruction had spread…
…How can you let this continue…? This corrupt manipulation of your hearts…minds…souls… This has to end…
"I guess that's what pushed me over the edge. That and the fact that any good qualities I have, Joseph gets all the credit." My body paralyzes; it almost feels like my heart stopped dead. Was Reuben reading my dysfunctional thoughts? If it's possible, it feels like my eyes faded into a blank state only achieved through expert hypnosis As though I'm watching that widening void inside my heart, a black wave washes over my vision.
…The reaper's platinum scythe has become rusted with my tainted life. The cuts are very slight, but they infect themselves deeper than the surface; poisoned tendrils writhing their way into my heart…
…Just like Joseph… The reaper of souls… Look at his face… Yes…that's it… It's him, isn't it…? That ivory skull that's forever laughing at your forgotten existence… He's taken everything from you and now…
…He wants your life too…
"He's corrupted all of us, Reuben… I'm nothing to our father… Nothing, but Joseph's failed reject… His inferior shadow… An intermediate carbon copy… 'Our eyes prove that'…" I feel so strange at this point in time… I spoke those words…I did…but the voice…it couldn't have been mine. It was deeper, almost peaking a growl. It sounded violent, darker…almost fit to kill…
I can feel Reuben's eyes on me again, but the tainted amber didn't have the same level of worry floating through them as before. No… they almost feel relieved that I actually understand Joseph's true, manipulative self. And strangely, that fills me with more comfort than concern ever could…
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But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree
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"Issachar… I don't want you to think badly of me for this…" I'm barely focused on the scenery in front of me, so I don't see him rise back into a seated position, his eyes never leaving me. All I had was my ears to detect the better projection of his voice as he sits and that warm feeling my forgetting heart feels when Reuben's eyes care for me. He goes to explain further, but the voice stops him…my voice…mine…
…Something Joseph won't take away…
"I could never think badly of you, Reuben… You and the others…never…" I slowly turn to look at him, a solemn smirk settled over my lips. Solemn…? No…it felt almost sinister, curious to know what Reuben's thoughts hold.
…And I like it…
"For the past couple of weeks, the others and I have been contemplating a plot to get rid of Joseph… It's gotten to the point where no one has any second thoughts about cleansing our ruined lives of that selfish, daydreaming ego."
"In fact, the only one left to ask was you. We know how busy you've been, hence why we put off offering… A-And I know the though of getting rid of someone is distasteful…but…I'm just so sick of the lies… I hate wearing the mask of deceit every second of my existence…" I know he wants to keep going, but his words trail off into the now chilled air of this cursed land of Canaan. Tainted by hate, pain and sadness…
I open my hand and stare at the deep cuts left by the hurt anger Joseph had bestowed my soul with today. My elbow remains on my knee, as does my chin, and I just stare at the bright crimson scars. Heavy silence wisps about us for several minutes, though it felt like a literary eternity…
"…To be rid of Joseph…huh…?" That dark voice leaves my lips again, but it feels more comfortable now. I like the sound of it; so confident, so together…the embodiment of what I could never be before… The sinister note is slightly nerve-wracking, but it's too comforting to hate.
…The reaper of my mind has faded now, like he had never been there at all. I'm standing alone in the obsidian miasma now, cringing at the warm, viscous trails that flow over my paled skin. More wounds left by the deceptive evil that plagues our lives. It's a strange sensation; every breath I take in seems to bring in some of the dark atmosphere with it. Likewise, with every exhale, it scrapes my mind of any doubt and any trace of light from my heart. It doesn't take long for my entity to be filled with this dark aura…
…Though I should be scared at how possessed by darkness I seemed to have become…I'm actually quite content…almost…
…Complete…
Look what he has done to you… You have to rely on a being of darkness to feel alive again…to feel free…
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Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
Iwill never forsake you
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"Well, if one were to analyze this… Joseph has already killed each one of us…" I continue to stare at my bloodstained palm, suppressed anger dancing about my newly acquired voice. The hatred begins to take physical form as my hand begins to shake…
"No…Issachar…you know this is wrong… He's your brother and always will be…you can't kill him..."
My possessed form stares blankly at this manifestation that appeared in the empty obsidian abyss I have been lost within. It is a child-like version of my previous self…the one I have been for so long. Raw fear struck in his aquamarine spheres, he returns my stare with desperate pleading for my salvation. How pathetic I looked now; so small, so meek…so inferior… He cannot hide the pain from me; it's etched in his tear-stained face. Never could speak his feelings… totally gutless… Never proud… completely repressed… Never happy… Always lorded over…
He stands before me now, begging that I reconsider, that I just stand strong and spare Joseph. 'He never meant to hurt you' placed upon his lips, but incapable of being spoken. Incapable… Just like everything else!
"He not my brother… Never… I'm not doing this for me… I'm doing this for you… I want the pain to stop!"
My body turns and walks into the black nothingness, abandoning my last flicker of light and accepting the awaiting darkness within…
"Issachar…?"
"…It's about time we return the favour…"
Torn flesh is clenched shut and the contract of a forgotten soul is sealed…
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Show me the shadow where true meaning lies
So much more dismay in empty eyes
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