Chapter Four: Detention with Crowley

A.S. Crowley was the new Defense against the Dark Arts Teacher. He was very unpopular among the students, because he was classified as the "nerd". He wore an overly-large pair of glasses, which kept falling off, and his front tooth was missing. He had balding hair, and a large bottom. In fact, his bottom was so large, that people had nicknamed him, Ass Crowley. Wherever he went, people stared at him. People put 'Kick Me' signs on his back, and drew pictures of him in a bra and thin panties on the chalkboard. Even the faculty sniggered when he joined them in the teachers' lounge. Professor Dumbledore looked like a hot model you see on those 'How to get Muscles' magazines, compared to him. Naturally, the worse punishment for a misbehaving student would be to spend a day with Professor Crowley. This is the route Professor McGonagall took for deciding the detention for Ron and Draco. She called them both to her classroom and told them the details of the detention.

"Since you two have demonstrated the techniques of fist-fighting yesterday, I have decided your punishment should be to spend the day discussing fashion tips with Professor Crowley."

"What the hell?! Why can't we do something different like clean all the girls' bathrooms?" Draco yelled.

"No, Mister Malfoy, I think spending a day with him is exactly what you two deserve," Professor McGonagall responded curtly.

"Whatever happened to the old punishments, like writing lines or cleaning the common rooms?" asked Ron quite gloomily. Professor McGonagall smiled. "At least you two will become more fashionable. I hear large asses are the new trend this year."

"Yeah, I s'pose," Ron said sadly. "What the bloody hell?" Ron suddenly screeched.

Professor McGonagall smiled, and said, "Ok you two, run along to your classes."

Both Malfoy and Ron set off on different directions to their classes. Malfoy went to Charms, and Ron went to History of Magic. When Ron got to his seat, he noticed Harry staring at someone. Harry usually stared at Parvati, but today Harry was staring at Padma (Parvati's twin sister). "Harry? Why are you looking at Padma as if she was wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt?" Ron asked quickly.

Harry jumped. "Oh Ron, it's you…"

"You still didn't answer my question," Ron said mirthfully.

"What was the question again?" Harry looked sheepish.

"I was asking you what page we are on…on our textbook…" Ron replied

"Oh, I never pay attention in any of Binns' classes. Not really important, what page we are on…"

"Who can tell me who the Chief of the Wizard's Council was during 1269?" Professor Binns' voice droned. As usual, Hermione's hand shot up in the air. "Sir, the Chief of the Wizard's Council during 1269 was Barberus Bragge, followed by Burdock Muldoon, and then Elfrida Clagg," She answered.

"That is correct, Miss…?" Professor Binns asked questioningly.

"Granger, Professor. Hermione Granger"

"Yes, right class, Miss Ginger here knows her history. I hope all of you do too…we will have another class discussion tomorrow…"

"That's no surprise," Harry whispered under his breath.

The bell rang and all the students made their way to their next class.

Hermione walked up to them and asked Ron, "Say Ron, where are you doing detention?"

Ron didn't really feel like answering but he responded anyway, "Spending a day discussing fashion tips with Ass Crowley."

The reaction of these words was awesome. Picture this: Hermione's jaw dropping, and Harry falling over, laughing, and knocking over somebody, and Harry and that somebody (who had happened to be
Padma Patil) lying tangled in a surprising position on the ground. Everyone around them gasped. Padma just looked scared. "S-sorry," Harry stammered. He helped Padma get back up to her feet, and picked up all her books and gave it to her. Padma still looked shocked. She slowly walked away. There was a huge crowd gathered around them and awkward silence surrounding it. Ron broke that silence by screaming, "Come on, move away people! What? You never seen a girl lying on the ground with a guy on top of her before?"

"Ron!" hissed Hermione.

"What?"

"Shut up! Look Harry, just forget this whole incident okay? It didn't happen. Let's just go to our next class. We are getting late, and I don't want to get a tardy slip," Hermione said softly.

"Okay…wait…okay for the going to class thing, but not okay for forgetting what happened. Dude, I don't want to forget this. I want to remember this for the rest of my life!"

"Why?" Ron asked sharply.

"I want to remember this, because I love Padma. I know songs in the middle of a story are lame, but I got to sing this ditty: (Piano is playing)

Padma is so pretty! She is also quite witty! She's as soft and cute as a kitty, she is all mine!

Padma is a doll, I wish I took her to the ball, I am sorry I made her fall today…

Padma is a girl, my kind of girl, I will get her pearls one day!!(No diamonds!)

Hey! Padma, you're all mine, I'll worship you on a shrine!

Padma! Padma! Padma! I love you!!!

Ron and Hermione's jaw dropped.

"You think he's on drugs?" Ron asked Hermione rather slowly.

"Listening to that horrid song, I am guessing yes…"

Ron looked at his watch. "Oh shit! Class ended while this retard sang this song!"

"Isn't it time for your detention now?" Hermione asked.

"Yup… I should go now."

"Have fun trading fashion tips! Bye!" Hermione said rather sweetly.

"Whatever…" was Ron's reply.

Ron slowly walked to the DaDA room. He saw Malfoy along the way. Usually, Malfoy had this smug grin on his face, and it was such a nice change to see him frowning. They both made their way to Professor Crowley's room.

"Welcome boys. Make yourself comfy there. Professor McGonagall told me that you two will be here for detention today. Is that correct?" Crowley asked rather cheerfully.

The two nodded slowly.

"Now, I don't want to think of this is a punishment. I want us to have fun today! Now, I hear that we are trading fashion tips…but boys, I think we should talk about more important things!"

Draco raised one eyebrow and asked, "What can be more important than fashion?"

Ron rolled his eyes.

"Lots of things are important! Girls, alcoholic beverages, secret love letters, and Anime comics…" Crowley responded cheerfully.

"What is anime?"

"It is some kind of muggle, Asian cartoon-ish thing, in which all the female characters seem to have misplaced their bras," Crowley replied

Draco smiled mischievously and said to Ron, "Crowley is speaking my language."