Howdy y'all! Well, I'm sitting here at my lovely little blue laptop, listening to music and writing for my very favorite story. However, the internet is being a bit stupid, so I cannot currently respond to reviews. If I can get it to work (and if I remember), I shall do so at the end of the chapter.

Also, the reason I haven't been updating "The Non-Perfect Elf and the Hole-Hating Hobbit" is because…well, I'm just completely brain dead on it. Got ideas? Let me know in your review or by e-mailing me. Thanks!

Enjoy the chapter!

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Now, where was I? Oh yes. I had just gotten captured by orcs, because Legolas said that I was a prisoner of some sort. Then they dragged me away, and I screamed at the nasty mean elf. And that's about it.

We traveled constantly for the whole night, not stopping for anything. The orc that had been holding on to me got too frustrated with my squirming and escape attempts, so it tied a rope around my neck and bound my hands. Then we continued to jog through the woods.

Finally, just as the sun was appearing and the sky turned lavender and pink, the orcs stopped and made a fire. The one who was guarding me tied me to a tree and left me there. I glared at anyone who dared look at me. By that time I was so exhausted, but I didn't want to risk the chance of sleeping. Every time I felt myself start to drift off, I would remember what Legolas had said, and it pissed me off so much I stayed awake.

"What's wrong, little girl? Afraid we'll hurt you if you go to sleep?" one of the orcs by the fire cackled. I narrowed my eyes and spit in his direction. He did not like this, apparently. He growled and stomped over to me, then smacked me across the face.

"Little wench," he snarled. "Whore." He then spit on me and walked back to his seat. I wiped the saliva off of my cheek with my shoulder and glared at him.

"By taking me farther and farther from my land, you are just increasing your danger," I said mysteriously. "My people will come for me."

"Your people, eh? What, you mean those prancy elves?" All of the orcs cackled. I tossed my hair (most of which had come out of its braid by then).

"I am no elf. I am a maiden of… er… Gondor. In fact, I am a noble woman, practically a queen, and you shall face the wrath of my army. For I, Laura, am a Guard of the White City." I said this dramatically, trying to induce fear. It didn't work very well.

The orc that had spat on me snorted. "Aye, the White City will not send out an army for one measly wench such as yourself."

"Asshole," I grumbled. The orcs went back to eating their rotten meats and drinking their dirty water, laughing and jeering at what I had said. True, it was a load of crap, but I think I said it quite convincingly, don't you?

Don't you dare answer that.

The rest I took was short-lived, however. By the time the sun was fully in the sky we were on our way again. Once again I was walked (well, jogged) like a dog through the forest. And boy, was I pissed. I just had to find a way to make them let me go, which would actually more likely lead them to killing me. But hey, it was worth a shot. The elves obviously weren't coming to get me. I resorted to techniques I had not used since middle school, when my parents threatened to leave me home during roadtrips.

"I'm tired. My feet hurt. Can I have something to drink? I'm hungry. Are we there yet? When are we gonna stop? I want some ice cream, will you get me some ice cream? Can I drive? If we go to a restaurant, can I get chicken fingers? Are we there yet?"

The leader of the band of orcs stopped, told everyone to halt, and slowly walked towards me, drawing a knife. I gulped loudly. He lashed out and grabbed my hair. You know those thin, sensitive hairs on the sides of your head, level with your eyebrows? He grabbed that. And it hurt. I screeched as he tugged on it, and again when he put the knife to my throat.

"Wench!" he snarled. Wow, looks like I have a new nickname. "If you make one more sound I'll cut your throat and feed you to them." He looked over at the other orcs, who looked like they would enjoy that a lot. Then, for good measure, he tugged harshly on my hair. He pulled so hard, in fact, that he actually ripped it out. I screamed bloody murder as I felt the warm stickyness of my own blood run down my cheek and onto my chin. The leader walked away, growling for the orcs to get moving. I reached up and touched the side of my head, and gasped when I felt that a chunk of my scalp was missing. As the group of orcs started to move again I nearly cried. But I couldn't let them see my weakness, so instead I just cursed at them in every language I knew. Then I started thinking about how if I ever managed to escape, I would hunt Legolas down and maul him.

Early in the afternoon we stopped again. The orcs were complaining that they "had been running for three days straight." I didn't complain: the stop would be welcome. Once again they tied me to a tree (although this time I was standing up as apposed to sitting) and made a fire. It was the same routine as before.

I looked down as my stomach growled loudly and obnoxiously. "Um. Can I have some food?" I asked meekly. The orcs laughed. One of them winked, made a kissy face, then threw a chunk of bread in my direction. It landed four feet away.

My GOD, you have GOT to be kidding me? Did he just wink at me!? Ugh! I narrowed my eyes and sniffed.

"What, isn't our food good enough for ye?" the orc cackled. I shrugged.

"C'mon, guys. Can't we all just be friends? I mean, I haven't done anything to you. Let's just say we put this whole business behind us and start over. Hell, I'll even help you with killing stuff once in a while," I said.

"A tart like you killing something? Ha!" They laughed again. I had become the unofficial scapegoat. I sighed and looked longingly at the bread, even though it had weevils in it. What I wouldn't give to have a big pepperoni pizza right then.

"I'm so hungry," I moaned. An orc stood up, came over, and forcibly opened my mouth, stuffing a piece of bread in it.

"That'll shut ye up!" he crowed. All his buddies laughed. I chewed on the bread, relishing it despite the slight earwax-y taste and crunchiness from the bugs. I sighed happily. But my stomach did not agree. Not ten seconds after I swallowed, up it came. The orcs howled with barkish laughter. I wrinkled my nose.

"Thanks. Thanks a lot, you guys."

Suddenly a whistling noise split the air, and the orc captain screeched as an arrow passed through his friend's neck. "Elves!" he snarled. I started to yell and scream for help as shadowy forms dashed around in the branches of the trees overhead. A passing orc smacked me upside the head just before getting a dagger stuck in his back.

"Owww," I groaned. He had hit me right where the other orc had pulled out my hair. "God daaaamn…"

"Laura, stay calm!" I heard someone shout.

"Well, I wasn't exactly panicking, was I?" I grumbled. Soon, what was left of the orcs started scattering. Three people walked towards me, one kneeled down by my side.

"Laura, are you all right?" Elrohir asked, taking out his knife. Without warning, he cut the ropes, and I fell unceremoniously face-first into the dirt.

"Yeah, I'm just peachy." Legolas helped me up. Then all of my pent-up emotions came out. Immediately I threw myself at him and started sobbing. "It was horrible!" I wailed. "They starved me and mocked me and did mean and nasty things!" Legolas made hushing noises and stroking my hair.

"It's all right," he said in a soothing voice. I stopped sniffling and looked up at his face. He smiled down at me, looking just absolutely beautiful. I started to get a strange sensation in my chest. I had a longing that I had kept inside and wanted to let out several times since I had first encountered him, even when I had still been a teenager. And now was the perfect opportunity to show him how I felt.

Looking into his eyes, I slowly crept my hands away from his waist and up to his shoulders. He raised his eyebrows in astonishment, but made no move to stop me. I took a sideways glance at the twins. Did I just detect a jealous glare at the Prince of Mirkwood from Elrond's Son No.1 (aka Elrohir)? Oh, yes I did.

I locked eyes with Legolas again. By now my hands were on either side of his face. He has really nice skin, I thought stupidly. Hell, he has really nice everything. Boy, did that sound wrong… I pulled his face down closer to mine, closing my eyes.

"Legolas…" I breathed quietly. I opened one eye slightly and saw that he had closed his eyes as well….

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs, shaking his face angrily and pushing him away. "I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED, YOU DUMB SHIT!!!!!" The most unfortunate elf stumbled back, looking like he might suffer from heart failure any second. The twins were holding each other up, hysterically laughing. I was giving Legolas my worst death glare. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, ELF!?!!" I bellowed. I beat my fists on his chest, screaming at him in German. The twins had to both grab one of my arms and pull me back. Just then the elves that had chased away the orcs came back. They seemed quite shocked to see a young woman screaming and threatening to kill their prince.

"Where the hell is my horse?" I yelled to the nearest one. He shot me a terrified glance and ran into the woods. "Damn right you better run, you nancing elf fag!" The twins were still laughing madly. I turned on them.

"Don't you dare think you two are off my shit list!" I growled. They both stopped and took a step back. "You didn't even try to stop Legolas from giving me to the orcs. IT'S LIKE YOU WANTED ME TO GET RAPED, YOU IDIOTS!!" The elf that had run away reappeared, Duke in tow. I stomped over to my horse and swung into the saddle.

"Laura, what happened to your head?!" Elladan called, pointing to the side of my face.

"Well, Elladan dear, those lovely orc friends of mine decided to RIP HALF MY SCALP OFF!!!" I screeched. He shut up and mounted his own horse.

Never, ever piss me off every twenty-eight days.

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Ugh, I know, such a short chapter! I'm sorry! (hides from Crystyna's wrath) I KNOW I said that you'd be here, but I had to update because my dad was telling me that I HAD to get off the computer or I'd be grounded for two weeks! And then I promised that I would update!! I'M SORRRY!!! (throws self on the ground at the mercy of the reviewers) DON'T HURT ME!!!

(runs away terrified)

!Laura!

P.S. I want an honest show of hands: how many of you thought I was gonna kiss him? C'mon, you know you were fooled!!! ;D Bwahahaha...