Hullo! I know, I know, I haven't updated in a very long time. But I was kinda busy with summer school. Boo hiss. But hey, I got a B in Algebra, when I did have a D. Lmao. I'm so good at math, obviously.
Anybob, so I'm sitting here in my new pajamas with little piggies and "What's shakin'?" written all over them. Very comfy. And I am also very content, seeing as my friend got me a Lord of the Rings nesting doll from Russia. Huzzah!
So, now onto the next chapter! Yay!
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"Hmm… Madonna Marries Loch Ness Monster," giggled Crystyna. I snorted.
"Let's see… Bill Clinton Is Actually A Robot." She chortled.
"Oh man. Uh… oh, oh! I got one! Elton John Is The Next Top Rapper!" I stopped and thought for a second.
"Y'know, Crystyna, that isn't all that unbelievable…" We both cackled insanely.
Perhaps I should explain. It was late that night after supper, and Crystyna had since been reintroduced to Aragorn, the twins, and Arwen. We were currently both lying in separate beds in a room we shared, making up the strangest tabloid articles we could think of. It had to be well past midnight.
"Oh jeeze. I can't even think of anymore," I said to her. I saw her nod.
"Yeah. What shall we do instead?" she asked.
"Hmm. Shall we reminisce?"
"Oh, we shall."
And so we did. Four hours later…
"HAHAHA!! Oh my god, and then, remember? She took the noodle…?" Both of us howled with laughter and toppled off our beds onto the floor, where we proceeded to clutch our sides and roll across the ground.
"OH MY GOD, I had forgotten about that!" I squealed five minutes later as I pulled myself, gasping for breath, back onto the bed. I lay there chuckling for a minute. Then I stopped and grinned again. "Okay, we better try to get to sleep."
"What time is it?" Crystyna panted from across the room. I sat up and leaned on my elbow to look at the clock on the bedside table.
"Oh jeeze, it's nearly five thirty."
"Damn. Yeah, let's try to get some shut-eye. G'night." We both lay back down and I closed my eyes. Just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard Crystyna start giggling.
"Laura," she whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Remember that time you, me, Katie Beth and Elaina all got together and watched the first Lord of the Rings movie?" I snorted loudly.
"And every time they said 'ring' we replaced it with 'wang'?" We both laughed rather obnoxiously.
"Yeah. Okay, just wanted to see if you remembered that. Nighty-night." I heard her roll over and I settled back down. But of course, now all I could think about was that time. I chuckled again.
"What?" she whispered.
I sat up and grinned at her through the dark. In my best impression of Legolas' voice, I answered quietly "The Wang must be destroyed!" She stuffed her face into her pillow, and I watched as her shoulders heaved while she screamed with laughter. I laughed hysterically out loud.
"No no no no no no no!!!" Tuna screeched. She stopped laughing long enough to make her voice sound sympathetic and serious and say, "'It's the Wang, isn't it, Mr. Frodo?'" We both lost it and cackled insanely. For the next ten minutes we recited lines from "Fellowship of the Ring", each one funnier than the previous. Soon, however, our mirth was interrupted by a knocking at the door.
"Don't answer it," Crystyna gasped. Her most recent line had left us particularly breathless. ("Let the Wangbearer decide.") "If it's really important they'll knock again."
Knock knock.
"Damn," I muttered. I swung my feet off the bed and went over to the door, Crystyna still sniggering uncontrollably.
"You rang?" I muttered as the door opened.
"Yes, I did," said an unfamiliar voice. I stared into the face of an old woman, who looked to be around seventy. Her thin, salt-and-pepper colored hair was pulled tightly into a bun at the nape of her neck, and the deep wrinkles on her forehead showed that she was absolutely furious.
"Uh, may I help you?" I asked, eyeing her nightdress, which was covered in lace, ribbon, and bows. The old woman glared over my shoulder at Crystyna, who had once again buried her face in the pillow and was gasping. ("Wangbearer…hahahahaha!") I turned back to the woman and grinned.
"Is there a problem?" I said, biting my lip and trying to hide my grin.
"Do you two girls realize that it is nearly dawn, and neither of you have slept a wink?!" she hissed, outraged. I blinked a few times.
"Yes…"
"People are trying to sleep!" she chided. "You had both better do the same, or the King will hear about this!" I frowned and quickly thought up a lie.
"My apologies, ma'am. You see, my friend has suffered some severe mental injuries. She went with the King to destroy the Ring-"
"WANG!" Crystyna howled. I snorted, then quickly covered it up with a cough when I saw the woman's glare.
"Anyway. Ever since, she has not been quite right in the head, if you know what I mean." I tapped my skull and gave her a knowing look. "You'll have to excuse her noisiness."
The old woman huffed. With a final scowl at me and Crystyna, she spun on her heel and slowly walked a ways down the hall, then slammed her bedroom door shut. I quietly closed our own door, grinning broadly, and latched it. I turned back to Tuna. She was sitting up and looking at me quietly.
In a completely serious voice, she said slowly, "Sauron senses the Wang."
Needless to say, we didn't sleep for at least another hour.
:::::
Late that morning, I was awakened by someone gently nudging my shoulder.
"Milady? Milady, it is time to get out of bed. The king wishes to breakfast with you."
I sat up, yawning and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. The person who had woken me up was a pretty, timid-looking young maid.
"What time is it?" I mumbled.
"It is nearly eleven, milady, and the King is getting rather impatient."
"Eleven!?" I yelped. Oh, crap! No wonder Aragorn was pissed! I turned to wake Crystyna up, but there was already another maid there.
"You and your friend have dresses laid out for you already, milady," the maid said. With a bow, she and the other servant left the room and closed the door.
Crystyna and I flung ourselves out of bed and practically ran into each other.
"Sorry!" we exclaimed to each other at the same time.
"It's cool!" we both replied. We both turned and grabbed our dresses off the ends of our beds. Mine was a nice shade of deep green. I was admiring it when Crystyna groaned.
"Oh. HELL. No." I looked over at the dress she was holding and screamed. Whether it was in horror or in glee, I'm still not sure.
Crystyna was holding one of the ugliest pieces of material I had ever seen in my life. It was brown, which was bad enough. But not only that. It had ruffles on nearly every inch of free fabric, plus some ribbons trimming the bottom hem. It had big puffs on the shoulders of the sleeves. It was absolutely hideous.
"It looks like something took a shit on it!" I crowed. Crystyna answered with a string of cuss words that shall not be repeated for the sake of the rating of this story.
"What the (bleep) is THIS (bleep)ing thing!?" she roared. "There is no way in (bleep)ing hell I will wear that."
"But Crystyna," I said seriously, "don't you want to look like a widow from the eighteenth century?" She gave me a nasty glare and a snarl in reply. I giggled. "I'm sure we'll find you a different dress."
But we didn't. No matter how much she screamed, cussed, and sobbed, no new dress appeared. So, we had to go down to "breakfast", although it was, by that time, lunch.
"Good afternoon, ladies," Aragorn said when we came into the hall. He eyed Crystyna's dress, as though questioning her mental stability. The twins were quaking with silent laughter, and Legolas looked embarrassed for her, though the corners of his mouth were dangerously close to forming a smile. We all sat down around a table and started to eat in silence. Then Crystyna started telling everyone about the previous night's events.
"So apparently you have met Gaya?" Arwen asked, her eyes twinkling slightly. I raised an eyebrow.
"Who?"
"The old woman. Her name is Gaya."
"Oh yeah, her," Tuna mumbled. "Yeah, she was a total bit-"
"Good morning, my lord," an elderly voice said from somewhere behind us. I turned around and saw the woman, Gaya, approaching the table slowly. Crystyna and I hunkered down in our chairs, willing ourselves to disappear.
"Greetings, Gaya," Aragorn said. He stood up, gave her a sweeping bow, then sat back down and gestured to an empty chair. "Please, have a seat and dine with us."
"I couldn't possibly, my lord," she replied. She glanced in my direction, and her eyes narrowed. "So. I see you have met the two troublemakers." Crystyna squeaked and nearly disappeared under the tablecloth.
"Oh, yes. This is Crystyna, and Laura," Arwen said, gesturing to each of us in turn. Crystyna and I waved feebly.
"Hmph. Milady, I must insist that these two… girls be moved to another hall. They are disturbing my rest." Crystyna gave her a nasty glare.
"I'm not a girl. I am a lovely young lady," she proclaimed indignantly. I snorted.
"If you will excuse me, I must go see to my duties. Good day." Gaya bowed as low as her back would allow, then shuffled away. Crystyna chuckled.
"What?" I asked.
"I just realized something. Gaya means "dread"," she explained. I grinned.
"Fits her rather nicely, doesn't it?"
Soon after that, we escaped the table and dashed back to our room, where we promptly started looking for the hidden stash of pants and shirts. An hour later we found trunks full of tunics and leggings under the beds and promptly changed into them. Finally content with our clothing, we ventured back to the hall, where we found Legolas and the twins chatting.
"That looks much better than the dresses you were wearing," Elladan commented. We beamed.
"Especially the one Crystyna was wearing," Elrohir mumbled. I laughed with them, while Crystyna glowered next to Legolas. She wasn't pouting for long, though, when Legolas started talking to her.
"I found Gaya after breakfast," he said conversationally. "It seems she runs a small school where young ladies such as yourselves learn how to behave in the halls of the King."
I was starting to worry where he was going with this.
"I decided to enroll both of you."
"WHAT!?!" I roared. He took a step back in surprise. "You're making us go to school to learn how to be snobby little twits that wear corsets and don't talk and sew for fun!? I think not, Elf Boy. I'd rather run around Middle Earth naked than do that."
"Well, seeing as how you have already run about Middle Earth naked, you might as well go to those classes," Legolas commented. The twins roared with laughter, but soon stopped when I gave them my worst look.
"Why, I oughta..."
"Oh, Laura, it won't be that bad," Crystyna said. "C'mon, let's go find some small children to torment to take your mind off of it." Before I could protest, she dragged me out the doors and down into the marketplace.
"Maybe this whole school thing will be sort of fun," she explained as she eyed some cloth at a little stand. I grabbed her arm and whirled her around to face me.
"Don't. You. Get. It?" I said as calmly as possible, which wasn't calmly at all. "He's making us go to finishing school!" She clapped her hand over her mouth in horror.
"No!" she gasped.
"Yes. The place where they make you sit around all day talking about the weather and sipping tea," I growled. Her expression went from shocked to furious.
"Come on!" she spat, and with that she grabbed my wrist and started jogging back up towards the hall. We nearly ran Legolas over as he was coming out.
"You're not sending ME to finishing school!" she screamed in his face.
:::
"I can't believe he's sending me to finishing school!" snarled Crystyna the next morning. We had both woken up late, and instead of putting on the dresses laid out for us (apparently it had been my turn to wear a hideous dress, this time a dull orange instead of brown), we wore the tunics again. As soon as we were dressed we tore down to the courtyard, where Duke was ready and saddled. Crystyna rode a pretty Appaloosa that she borrowed.
"I would scold you for not wearing dresses, but seeing as you are late, I'll spare you," Legolas said simply. We glared at him defiantly. "Stop being so childish. You are doing this for your own good, since you will be residing in the king's halls for a while."
"Easy for you to say. Want to join us in sitting around and being pretty?" I snapped.
"I will pass, thank you," he retorted. "Now go on, you are late." He slapped Duke's rump. Duke leapt a few feet and loped out the gate, Crystyna close behind.
"Do not try skipping the class; I assure you I'll find out," Legolas called. I flashed a rather rude hand gesture behind me in reply.
The small building where the Death Trap- excuse me, finishing school was located was down on the first level of the city. It took us about ten minutes to get down there. We stopped in front of the gate to the small courtyard briefly.
"Well, this is it," I said.
"Goodbye, cruel world!" sobbed Crystyna. People gave her strange looks, then hurried about their business. Then we rode through the gates, and our jaws dropped.
All around us were young women about twenty years old, wearing frilly, baby pink dresses; their hair was tied back with shiny white ribbons in big bows. Crystyna wrinkled her nose in disgust while I muttered, "Ew…" All of them looked up simultaneously and went "Oooh!"
"Er…hi," Crystyna said weakly. I waved. We both shrieked as the girls came running at the horses.
"Oooh, what a pretty pony!" one of them squealed, petting Duke's nose. I glared at her.
"Excuse me? Pony!? This is no pony," I declared loudly. "This, my puffy little friend, is a pure, 100% American saddle horse, also known as a saddlebred. That's hardly a pony." The girl narrowed her eyes.
"It is rude to contradict a lady."
"What do you think I am, a peanut?" I spat back.
"No, but you look like a man in those clothes." She and a few of the girls laughed lightly. I growled and tightened my grip on the reins, wanting to run her down so badly.
"Oh, ha-ha-ha. You must be the funniest person in all the White City, you great prat," Crystyna snarled. Then and there, both of us made a silent vow to make this girl's life a living hell, since she was apparently quite popular.
"Girls, girls! We have two new- oh," said a now-familiar voice. Crystyna and I groaned as Gaya made her way through the cloud of pink ribbon-ness. Her face and voice hardened. "These are your new friends that will be learning proper etiquette," she said dismissively. "Come along, now, it is time for sewing."
"Sewing?" Crystyna and I muttered. I screeched as someone reached up and tugged me off of Duke's back. I nearly fell face-first into the dirt, but managed to keep my balance. I looked at the person who was so eager to meet me, about to shout. But I didn't. The girl was kind-looking, and hardly seemed snobby. She had big, blue eyes and deep brown curly hair that hung to her shoulders, even in the ponytail she was wearing.
"The stablehands will take your horses," she said with a smile. Her voice was quiet. I grinned.
"Okay, cool. Thanks." Crystyna tumbled off her horse, and we followed the girl into the small building.
"Sewing is one of the more boring parts of the day," the girl whispered. "I utterly loathe it, but you two may like it." I exchanged a glance with Crystyna, who shrugged. Then we went into the room. Crystyna gagged behind me, and I felt sick to my stomach.
Everything in the room was either pink, lacey, frilly, or all of the above. It was, to say the least, disgusting. Each girl was seated daintily on a wooden chair, painted white, white a pink flowery cushion. There were three empty chairs near the back of the room. The three of us took those seats. The girl that had helped us picked up a dress from a box next to her chair and began hemming it. Crystyna raised her eyebrow and said, "I've never even touched a dress that frilly before. How the hell am I supposed to hem one?"
"No idea," I muttered. The only elderly woman in the room glared at us, as though we had done something terribly wrong. I blinked and raised my hand.
"Excuse me? Teacher? We- OW!" The woman had taken out a small branch and whipped my hand. "What the HELL was that for?" I shouted. The girls in the room gasped. "OUCH!!!" She hit it again.
"Do not speak unless spoken to," she snapped. I glared at her.
"Well, pardon me, Miss Manners," I growled under my breath.
"My name is Lady Mora. You shall address me as Lady Mora. Why are you not sewing?" the woman asked harshly.
"Well, because I don't have anything to sew. Duh."
"Get something small out of the box and begin." She jabbed a finger to a small wooden box next to the chair, then spun on her heel and began to examine everyone else's work. Suddenly she shrilled, "Look, girls! Look at Lady Blossom's lovely pillow cover!" She had stopped next to the girl that had called Duke a pony, who was grinning in a way she apparently thought was beautiful. It wasn't. In fact, she looked like a horse. "Look how tiny her stitches are! So perfect!" Lady Mora cooed. Everyone else started gushing over it, telling Blossom how lovely her work was.
I looked down at my own cloth. It had no stitches in it. All it had was a flowery pattern of a unicorn taking a drink from a stream. I wrinkled my nose. This was going to suck. I glanced over at Crystyna, who seemed to be having a lot better luck than I. She was embroidering a leafy vine pattern into a piece of silk. Her stitches weren't as small as Blossom's, but they were much smaller than I could ever make mine. She grinned and winked at me, then went back to work. I glowered at her. Okay, Laura, you can do this, I thought to myself. Start with the stream. It can't be that hard.
I dug through the box and found some light blue thread, then attempted to put it through the needle. Five minutes later I accomplished that task, and then jabbed the needle through the cloth. It promptly went through with a loud rip! Everyone stopped and looked at me accusingly.
"Oops…"
"What have you done!" Lady Mora cried. "That was my best pattern, and you've ruined it! Have you been raised by dwarves!?" I glared at her, then got a brilliant idea.
I fell sideways off the chair and onto the floor. I put my face in my hands and started to sob loudly. "Yes, I was raised by dwarves! Rub it in, why don't you!" I wailed. Between my fingers I saw Crystyna stuff her face into her work and snigger insanely. "Why does everyone compare my acts to those of a dwarf? What is wrong with dwarves?" I bawled. Lady Mora stared at me, unsure what to do. All of the young women in the room were staring as well, a few of them looking sympathetically at me. This was too funny.
"Oh, get up!" Lady Mora said suddenly. She grabbed my wrist and tugged me to my feet. "Stop blubbering! You are a heathen, and I will make sure that it will be fixed!" she cried shrilly. "Come with me!" She dragged me out of the room. I gave Crystyna one last helpless look. She returned the favor by pointing and cackling. I growled at her, then closed the door. Lady Mora marched me down the hallway to a vacant room filled with books.
"This is the library," she said shortly.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," I murmured. She went over to a shelf and yanked out a leather-bound book with gold trim.
"In this book, you will learn everything you need to know about how to act in the presence of a king," she explained. She thrust the heavy book into my arms, then pointed to a chair. "You will read this until lunch time. Then, after you have eaten, you will join the other girls. I will check on you every few minutes." She turned and walked out the door. I heard the lock click, then settled into the chair and stared dumbly at the cover of the book. I opened it and read the first paragraph, then tossed it over my shoulder. This sucked.
:::
Nearly four hours later I was free to go eat "lunch", which consisted of a peach and a piece of bread. Yay rah. I managed to find Crystyna quite easily in all of the pinkness. She was searching desperately for someone to sit with.
"It's like middle school all over again!" she wailed. I nodded. Then I spotted a familiar face sitting alone beneath the only tree in the vicinity. It was the pretty girl that had been so nice to us.
"Let's sit with her. She's cool." Crystyna nodded, and we made our way towards her. She was daintily finishing off her piece of bread. She looked up in surprise as we approached.
"Hey," Crystyna said with a broad smile. "Mind if we sit with you?"
"Of course not!" she replied, beaming. "No one ever sits with me." Her face fell. I felt bad for her.
"Well, now you can be really cool like us!" I said, plopping down on a root next to her. She gave us a politely puzzled glance.
"Cool?"
"Like, neat. Better than everyone else," explained Crystyna. The girl blushed.
"Oh, I don't think I'm better than everyone else," she said modestly.
"Yes you are," I said quickly. "You're loads better than that git over there." I jabbed my thumb in the direction of Blossom, who was sitting with her friends and laughing. "By the way, what's your name?"
"My name is Aelis," she said. "What are your names?"
"I'm Crystyna, and that's Laura," Tuna said. "It's neat that you're so nice, 'cause everyone else seems rather… you know. Uppity." Aelis laughed.
"Well, I am not as popular as most of the girls. My father is not nearly as rich as theirs. He owns an inn not too far from here, and he has sent me here so that I may help him once he gets too old to run it by himself. My mother died when I was a baby, so it has just been the two of us."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly.
She smiled. "It is well. I never really knew her, but-"
"Well, well, well," said a voice behind me. I spun around and glared at Blossom, who was surrounded by some of her cronies. "Birds of a feather flock together, don't they?" she said rather rudely, glaring at Aelis, who blushed deeply and fiddled with her skirt. I stood up and looked at Blossom.
"Well, you sort of look like a bird. Why don't you join us?" I retorted. Her jaw dropped and she stared.
"How dare you? My father is a noble man, and he could get you removed from the city faster than I could blink an eye!" she cried.
"Well, Blossom dear, that must take a while: you are so fat that it would be a helluvan effort for you to blink." Crystyna stood up as well. I chortled as Blossom's friends, who were rather large, cracked their knuckles. Aelis tugged on Crystyna's and my pant legs.
"Please, don't. They will only cause you more trouble," she hissed pleadingly.
"What is wrong, Aelis? Must you hide behind these wenches so that you do not get more verbal abuse?" one of the girls spat. Blossom tittered madly.
"No, but it seems like Blossom has to hide her fatness behind the two of you!" I snarled.
"You little whore!" the other girl shrieked. Crystyna lunged out and grabbed the front of her dress, pulling the girl so close that their noses were mere inches apart.
"Call her that again," she whispered. The girl narrowed her eyes.
"I will not call her that, but I will call you that! WHORE!" she shrieked triumphantly. I screamed in rage, wound up, and punched her so hard that I definitely heard her nose crack. She fell to the ground, screaming about murderers.
"Filthy! Little! Slut!" I screeched, slapping her after every word across the face. "How DARE you call her that! Only I have that privilege!" I whirled around and looked at Blossom furiously. She bawled and hid behind her other friend, who looked rather apprehensively at Crystyna's balled up fist.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?" someone shouted.
"Oh, shit," Crystyna groaned. We both turned around as Gaya jogged as fast as her old legs could take her. She knelt down beside Blossom's friend, who was still writhing and wailing in pain, her hand over her nose. There was a puddle of blood forming on her dress.
"Who did this to you, Nareese?" Gaya whispered. Nareese pointed at me, her eyes brimming with tears.
"Her! She threatened to kill be and den hit be on da face!" she said. She took her hand away from her nose; blood was pouring out of her left nostril. "Den she went after Blossom and tried to rib oud her hair!" I gaped.
"That's a lie!" I said angrily. "I never touched Blossom's ugly hair! It's so greasy that-"
"SILENCE!" Gaya roared. I shut up and took a step backwards. "Both of you!" she snarled, pointing at Crystyna and me. "I never want to see your awful little faces again! Get out! Never set foot in my school for the rest of your lives!"
"GLADLY!" Crystyna yelled. She made as though she was going to slap Gaya, but I stopped her.
"If you hit her, we're dead," I hissed. She growled, then yanked her arm away and stalked towards the gate. The horses were tied there. We both climbed onto their backs, and Crystyna rode out the gate. I hesitated for a minute, then turned back around.
"Hey, Aelis!" I called. She looked up, her face red from crying. "Don't worry, hun! You come up to the hall whenever you want! I'll personally make sure you can meet the king, and you can tell him the truth!" Aelis beamed and nodded.
"Good bye!" she called, waving and grinning.
"See ya!" As a farewell, Duke lifted his tail.
"MY FLOWERS!" Gaya wailed. Duke whinnied and pranced in place. I smirked at the rather large pile of manure, then rode out the gate cackling. Crystyna was waiting for me.
"Well, how do you think Legolas is going to react when we get back?" I asked. Her face blanched.
"Oh, damn." I bit my lip.
"We're dead."
::::::::::
Moral of the story? Never send me and Tuna to finishing school? (smirks)
Anyway, I'm off to good ol' Texas for five days! Yeehaw! I promised Tuna I would update before I left, so here it is.
I'm not sure if they really have finishing schools in Minas Tirith, but guess what?
I DON'T CAAAARE!!! PBBBBTH!!!
Anybob. Don't be all "But Laura, there aren't finishing schools in M.T.! That's just silly!" 'Cause I don't give a shit. (grins coyly)
I'm off to ride horses on the beach! I'll be expecting muchos reviewos when I get back. Ciao darlings!
Much lurve and Leggy,
!Laura!
P.S. If you didn't know, nariz is the Spanish word for "nose". It is pronounced "nareese." BWAHAHAHAHA. Okay I'm done. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Tuna!)
P.P.S. This chapter was seven and a half pages long.