q"You WHAT!?"
Legolas was angry.
"How did you possibly manage to get dismissed on your first day!?"
Very, very angry.
"Not only have you humiliated yourselves, but you have also humiliated me."
"Gee, wouldn't want THAT to happen," I muttered. The elf glared at me.
"This is just completely unbelievable. What did you do, anyway?"
"We mauled someone," Crystyna piped up.
"…Pardon?"
"Yeah, Legolas! You should have seen my right hook. Man, it rocked!" I added earnestly. Legolas covered his face with one hand.
"I cannot believe this…"
"But we were defending someone," Crystyna explained semi-patiently. "She was getting bullied by some ugly girl named Blossom who-"
"I don't care if she was Aragorn's long-lost daughter!" Legolas said furiously. "The mere fact that you, Laura, punched someone is positively absurd!"
"Is this going to take much longer?" I asked boredly.
"No," Legolas spat. "But the two of you are acting like children, which is strange because, when last I checked, you both were at least twenty years of age. And if you are going to act like children, you will be punished like children."
"What, are you going to send us to our rooms?" Crystyna mocked.
"No, because lord knows what the two of you will do if I leave you alone in there."
"Legolas, that comment was so incredibly slashy. Stop being a pervert," I scolded.
"So what are you going to do?" interrupted Crystyna. Legolas' face turned up in a smirk so frightening that even the bravest orc would have turned tail and fled.
"No elves for one week."
:::
"Elf deprivation for an entire seven days!" Crystyna wailed a while later. We had gone back to our room after pleading with Legolas for nearly two hours. But he stood firm. No Elladan, no Elrohir, no nothing. We were sent to our room without supper.
"This totally bites," I whined. "I miss my Ro-Ro already." I pouted at the mirror across the room. Crystyna looked over at me, one eyebrow raised.
"…Ro-Ro?" she said dryly.
"Yes. That is my Elrohir. Ro-Ro!" I explained impatiently. I sighed and hugged my knees. "This is so retarded. Legolas is so mean. He doesn't realize what sort of torture he is putting us through."
"Yeah, no kidding." Crystyna was cut off by a knock at the door. I rolled off my bed and walked over.
"Legolas, go find new fangirls. We're boycotting," I snarled through the crack.
"No we're not!" Crystyna squeaked.
"Lady Laura? Lady Crystyna? You have a visitor," said a maid's voice. Crystyna leapt off the bed and jogged over beside me. We walked out the door together, getting a bit stuck in the narrow threshold, but in the end we pulled through (literally and figuratively). I distinctly saw the maid roll her eyes before leading us down to the entryway.
It was obvious who our visitor was before we could even see her clearly. She was looking around nervously, obviously unsure of what to do in such a place as King Elessar's halls.
"Aelis!" I called, waving happily. The poor girl jumped about three feet in the air at the sound of her name, then whirled around clutching her chest as though she might have a heart attack. Crystyna exchanged a look with me.
"You scared me terribly," Aelis accused as we came closer.
"Sorry," Crystyna and I said simultaneously. Aelis smiled slightly, then got a worried look on her face.
"So, what brings you here at such a late hour?" Crystyna asked.
"Er, Tuna? It's only six o'clock…"
"Oh…"
"I cannot stay long, but I came to warn you," Aelis said. Crystyna furrowed her brows curiously, giving her a hilarious expression of the utmost concentration.
"Warn us? About what?"
"Two days from now, Gaya is holding a banquet in this very hall," she explained. Crystyna gasped dramatically. "She has already received the permission of the King, and many noble families shall be there. You two must behave well, or she will spread rumors of you all over the kingdom," said Aelis in a slightly hysterical voice. "Please, do not do anything rash." She gave us a pleading look. "I must go now. I will see you the day after tomorrow!" With that she dashed out the door and out of sight. I thought about what she had said to us, and I smirked. I glanced over at Crystyna. She was smiling slightly as well.
"Tuna, m'dear, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked smugly.
"You mean that we go upstairs, pick out the perfect dresses to wear, figure out hairstyles, and memorize which fork is the salad fork?" I rolled my eyes.
"Not quite." I smiled at the doorway. "Be prepared, eh? Oh, we'll be prepared all right. C'mon, Crystyna, we have work to do." I grabbed her wrist and pulled her along back towards our room.
"Laura, you have that look in your eye."
"What look?"
"The same look that you had when you suggested we go streaking through campus, right past the fraternities," Crystyna said, sounding aggravated. I reminisced with a grin.
"But hey, that guy Todd that you thought was so hot got to see you naked!" I explained, as we rounded a corner and jogged down a narrower hallway.
"Yeah, but so did Melvin, that guy that collects lint to study dust mites," she groaned with a visible shudder.
"You know you had the hots for him. OW!" She jabbed me in the ribs with her elbow. We reached our room, and Crystyna put her hand out.
"MELON!" she shouted. I rolled my eyes again and turned the handle.
"It's not melon, my retarded friend. It is mellon. Right, we need a sewing kit," I said, mostly to myself. "Let's split up, gang!"
"Cut the Scooby Doo crap, Luna," my beloved companion growled. I sniggered.
After an exhausting search of two full minutes, we stopped and rang the little bell sitting on the dresser. A maid came in thirty seconds later.
"We need a sewing kit," I explained slowly. The young woman gave me a typical You-have-got-to-be-kidding look. I grinned toothily at her. The maid gave a disgusted sigh, and reached under the bed, pulling out a little wicker basket. I pouted.
"That is the crappiest place ever. Who keeps a sewing kit under the bed?" scoffed Crystyna.
"Everyone one does, miss," the maid replied through gritted teeth.
"And as fascinating as that is, we really have work to do. Begone, slave!" I commanded, pointing at the door. The maid gave us a rather sarcastic bow, then left the room.
"Meddling kids," I grumbled.
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE SCOOBY DOO CRAP??"
:::
We worked all the way through the night: sewing, hemming, ripping, mending, and, of course, drinking. Because no sewing party would be complete without sneaking out in the middle of the night and snitching some wine. Duh. We worked until nearly a quarter till six in the morning. Then we slept until noon, woke up, had brunch, and without saying a word to anyone we marched right back to our room and locked ourselves in until dinner.
Dinner that night was… interesting, to say the least.
Why, you may ask? Well, I may answer, it was because the dear Lady Gaya decided to grace us with her lovely presence that night. She managed to subtly point out every flaw that Crystyna and I had, directly to Aragorn and Legolas. The king's expression became increasingly amused, while Legolas' became more and more furious.
"God, he's such a tightass," Crystyna hissed to me, knowing that the dear Mirkwood princeling heard every word.
"Well, m'lords and ladies, we must retire for to our chambers to slumber and dream of the wonderful banquet that awaits us in the coming day," I cooed as Crystyna and I stood up from the table and delicately (and very stupidly) twirled so that our skirts poofed out around us. As a servant pushed in our chairs, I gave Gaya a slightly (only slightly) exaggerated bow. As the two of us sauntered away, I heard the old hag give us a low growl.
Finally, at about ten thirty that night, we finished our creations.
"Eet eez mah piece de resistance!" I exclaimed happily. Crystyna nodded excitedly. Then, after changing into night gowns, both of us keeled over and slept like logs. Or ents.
:::
Have you ever had that feeling you're being watched? I have!
Late that night, I woke up and got that feeling. See, I had just been dreaming about me and Elrohir sitting on a cloud, making sweet procreational whoopee. But of course, like all good dreams, I woke up just at the good part. I won't go into details.
Anyway, so there I was, lying and saying to myself, "No! I'm not awake! I'm still with my Ro-Ro…" and I got that I'm-being-watched feeling. So I opened my eyes, only to see a pair of eyes staring right back at me. I opened my mouth to scream, but someone's hand clapped over it before I could wake the dead.
After struggling for a moment, I looked up to see who my soon-to-be rapist was and saw that it was Elrohir.
Hey. You can't rape the willing, know what I'm saying? Eh? Eh?
"Forgive me for waking you," he breathed with a gorgeous smile. He whispered so softly in my ear that I got shivers running down my back. Uh-oh! Mary Sue alert! Code red!
"Actually, I can't think of a better way to be woken up," I blurted. I caught myself too late, and my cheeks started to burn. Elrohir's eyes twinkled.
"Come ride me," he breathed. I sat up so quickly that I nearly whacked my head against his.
"I beg your pardon!" I hissed angrily. Elrohir looked confused. "What did you just say!?"
"I said 'Come take a ride with me'," he replied softly. I let out the breath I didn't realize I had been holding.
"Oh! I thought you said…er…never mind…" I trailed off, blushing furiously. Elrohir grinned cheekily.
"Shall I go saddle the horses then?" he asked eagerly. I groaned and laid back down.
"It's two thirty in the morning, and I'm exhausted," I mumbled into my pillow. I turned my head to look at him, then covered my face again. "Oh no, not the puppy dog face…"
"Please?" he begged in a hunky elf-warrior way. I sat up once again and glared.
"Fine. One hour tops, okay?" I growled. I swung my legs out of the bed and tiptoed towards the door.
"Milady, you might want to put some other attire on," Elrohir said with a mischievous bow. I looked down at my nightgown, and shrieked quietly when I realized that it was quite transparent. Oh well, at least I wasn't in just a bra and underwear like SOMEONE. (cough Crystyna cough)
"Out!" I hissed, shoving Elrohir out the door and locking it behind him. I heard him chuckle and walk away. Quickly I changed into pants and a shirt, then bolted out the door and down to the stables. Our horses were fully tacked by the time I got there.
"Remember, one hour and no more," I said quietly as I scrambled onto Duke's back.
Two hours later we were laughing and chatting about Legolas and his childhood antics as we galloped over the flat ground around the city.
"Yes, Legolas was quite the little brat years ago," Elrohir said over the rushing wind.
"I can imagine," I called back. The elf laughed, then gestured for me to follow him. A few minutes later we were traveling uphill, and when we came around a turn in the path, I gasped.
Nearly four miles away, the city of Minas Tirith was shining in the otherworldly glow of the full moon. It looked like something out of a movie.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Elrohir asked as his horse sidled up to Duke. I looked over at him. I wanted so badly to say something intelligent, such as: "Oh, for years I have longed to see such a sight. The White City is so majestic looking in the light of the moon."
Instead, I said, "Oh, nice."
Elrohir laughed. "Indeed," he agreed. "It is very romantic."
I glanced at him, startled. He looked at me from the corner of his eye, and gave me a hypnotizing, charming smile; a smile that made you wanna tackle the guy and get jiggy with it. Yummy lips. Yummy, yummy, yummy elfy lips.
"Yes," I muttered. "Yes, romantic…wait…I mean NO! No, it is not romantic at all!" I yelled, scooting Duke away from Elrohir's horse quickly. The poor elf looked baffled. Bad, hot elf! Trying to seduce defenseless little me! Arg!
"We should probably go back," I said. Subtle hint, anyone? "It's late. Yeah, late. And I'm tired."
"Very well. But we must come back here again soon," he whispered. Oh god, it was that smile again. My stomach did several barrel rolls inside of me.
"Yes…soon…NO! I mean maybe! I'm not sure! I'm a very busy person. If it fits into my schedule, then yes. Okay. Let's go," I squeaked, slightly panicky.
When we arrived back at the city, in the stables, I vaulted off of Duke and ran out the door, calling a quick good-night over my shoulder. Back in my room, I laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling.
"I'm making a vow, right here," I whispered to myself. "From now on, no more Mary Sue-ness around Elrohir."
Little did I know that in less than twenty-four hours I would have already broken that oath.
About an hour later I awoke with a start to hear the doorknob turning, and I opened my eye slightly to see Crystyna sneaking back into the room. Wait a tic, hadn't she been there? I looked over at her bed. Nope, empty. Okay, what the hell was going on?
"Ahem?" I said loudly. She squawked and jumped so high her feet actually left the ground. She spun around and glared.
"You scared me," she accused.
"I'm good at that sort of thing. Where were you, young lady?" I teased. She grinned impishly.
"Oh, you know. Wandering around the corridors… looking into random bedrooms…"
"…and you were doing all of this in your undies?" She smirked again.
"Perhaps…"
"And lemme guess… you just happened to wander into either Legolas or Elladan's room, right?" She looked at me with false surprise.
"However did you know, Luna dear!?"
"And how exactly did you torment the hotness?"
"Oh, I just went in and sat on their beds, y'know. And when they woke up, before they were fully awake, I stole away, into the night!" She twirled around and made wooshing noises. I rolled my eyes.
"Slutpuppy." Crystyna replied with a rather hard pillow in my face. "I must start calling you the Slut Fairy." She giggled into her pillow, and within two minutes was snoring.
:::
The next morning both Crystyna and I woke up around noon.
"Gasp!" Crystyna announced. "Only seven hours until the banquet!" We hurled ourselves out of bed and ran to the kitchen, where we nicked some pastries and milk, with a rather unfortunate response from the cook.
"Remind me to never provoke a chef wielding a meat cleaver again," I panted.
"Fortunately for us, he was about two hundred years old," Crystyna wheezed.
Once back in our room, we ate, and then put on our "adjusted" dresses. Then we dug around and found a jewelry box full of… jewelry. Go figure. Almost all of it was silver.
"Just what we need," cackled my dear insane friend. I nodded in agreement, and pulled out a particularly gaudy pair of chandelier earrings. We both stared at them.
"Do people in Middle Earth pierce their ears?" Crystyna asked, perplexed. I shrugged.
"Who cares. I'm wearing them anyway."
"They're very hot- OOH!" She pulled out a huge pair of hoops and beamed. "This totally rocks!"
After finding our jewelry, we proceeded to make up. Well, we tried to, in any case. We needed eyeliner, but apparently Middle Earth was eyeliner-deprived. Needless to say, we were upset. But then Crystyna had a brilliant idea.
"Get me some ink from the desk," she commanded. As I went over, I said to her, "Crystyna, I'm sorry, but I am not putting runny ink around my eyes."
"Be silent, oh naïve one," she barked as she snatched the ink from me. She went over to the vanity with a grin. "It won't be runny anyways," she explained. Before I could respond, she had picked up some powder and dumped it into the jar of ink. "See? This will thicken it up, so it won't run." I grinned at her.
"Your inner genius is shining through, Tuna my friend," I said proudly.
"Shut up. Come over here and put some on." She patted the chair beside her and started carefully painting on her homemade eyeliner.
After make up, we moved onto hair. Two hours and fifteen hairstyles later, we were both appropriately preened.
"Now for pouting!" Crystyna announced. I blinked several times at her.
"Pouting?"
"Duh! To look one hundred percent sexy, one must pout a lot. Observe." She jutted out her lower lip a bit, and I raised an eyebrow.
"Actually, when I look at it like this," I commented, tipping my head to one side, "it looks more like you're constipated than anything."
"Hardy har har," she growled.
And so, for the remainder of the afternoon, we practiced our pouting.
"Purse your lips more."
"I'm trying! It's hard to talk if I do!"
"It wouldn't if you were doing it right."
"Shut up. You need to stop wrinkling your nose when you do it, anyway."
We pouted until our lips hurt. By then it was five thirty.
"Only an hour and a half to go!" Crystyna called.
"Tuna, darling, I am standing right beside you. You don't need to yell."
:::
At exactly seven o'clock, someone knocked on our door. Crystyna lunged o open it, but I stopped her.
"This is supposed to be a surprise, remember?" I hissed. Comprehension dawned on her.
"Oh! My bad."
"Who is it?" I called.
"Miladies, the banquet is about to begin," a feminine voice answered.
"Tell them to start without us: we aren't quite ready," Crystyna said.
"Is something wrong?" the maid outside our door asked. I glanced at Crystyna.
"Er…no…" I said slowly.
"Then why are you not coming right now?"
"Because…we're, ah, naked," Crystyna lied. I slapped my forehead.
"But milady, your escorts…"
"Tell them we're late, okay?" I said with a tone of finality. The woman sighed and walked away. Crystyna and I laughed.
"This is gonna be so awesome," she cried happily. "All we need to do is put on our shoes and we're all set." I beamed and pulled out our footwear: the Middle Earth version of go-go boots. They were hot as hell. Both pairs were black and came up to the middle of the shin. Crystyna had somehow made them pumps by hammering small blocks of wood to the heel and painting it black. We stood for a second admiring ourselves in the mirror, squealing a bit, then walked out the door and down towards the hall.
When we reached the hall, there were two guards standing on either side of the entrance. They were just there for show, but they both were wearing dressy armor with leather boots. When they saw us, their eyes widened, and they exchanged a glance.
"We are here for the banquet," I told them in a superior voice. The one closest to me smirked and took a step forward.
"Are you the dancers?" he asked flirtatiously. I growled. With an almighty "Argh!" Crystyna stepped up on my right and slammed her heel into the guard's foot. He let out a short, loud yelp of pain before glaring at us.
"I will have you know that we're two of the most important guests in this hall," she seethed. "Let us pass, unless you want King Elessar to find out about your rudeness." The guards nodded nervously and stepped aside. We passed through without further problems.
As soon as we got inside the hall, I was impressed by how many people were there. There were five very long tables pushed together to create an even bigger one. Arwen and Aragorn sat at the head, with their son in between them. No one seemed to notice we were there, until dear little Eldarion announced our presence with a very obvious yell.
"Ada! Mama! Look at what Lady Crystyna and Lady Laura are wearing!" he squealed excitedly. There was a loud noise of people shifting in their seats to look in our direction, and then a large gasp. One woman went far enough as shrieking and fanning herself.
"Drama queen," Crystyna muttered.
Perhaps I should explain this reaction. You see, Crystyna and I had decided that Gaya and the rest of the noblemen of Minas Tirith should sample a taste of what our world was like. And so we made our own dresses, which obviously meant that they were quite revealing. What we had done was this.
I had found two black silk dresses that fit us just right, while Crystyna found a very lacy, very seethrough night gown with a flowery pattern. We cut large slits in the front of the dresses that came up to our calves and ended in a point, then sewed in the lace from the nightgown. Then we added trains to the back of the dresses, and cut the necklines lower. Therefore, we had two revealing, bell-sleeved, long dresses that would have been quite conservative on Earth. However, we weren't in Kansas anymore (not that we ever were in the first place), and so these Middle Earthlings responded differently.
Then Crystyna had applied her eyeliner quite liberally and gave herself what she called "Cleopatra eyes," which was Egyptian-style makeup. It was quite attention grabbing, but still very pretty. I had stuck with just a bit on my eyelids. Then there was our hair, which was done in elegant up-dos: Crystyna's looked a lot better than mine, so I put my hair in chopsticks I made with knitting needles painted black.
Shut up. It looked nice.
Although Crystyna said it made me look like a grandmother… Anyway, she just put hers in a cool little French twist thing that turned out to be really messy, because neither of us had a clue as to what we were doing, but it looked awesome.
Anybob.
We were also wearing silver jewelry with black stones, presumably something similar to onyx. It added a nice, mysterious touch. Ooh, ahh!
Crystyna and I sauntered over to our seats (there were two free ones right across from Legolas, and a few seats down on the opposite side of the twins) and gracefully plopped into the chairs. Everyone in the hall was dead silent, and turned their heads as we passed so they could get a better look. The men (no matter how old) looked extremely pleased/surprised, while the women looked downright murderous.
As we sat down, people leaned out over the table to look at us. Elladan winked cheekily at us. Elrohir, on the other hand, actually stood up to see over people's heads, his mouth wide open. Crystyna and I batted our heavily-lined eyes at him.
Legolas, of course, was dumbfounded.
"What are you wearing!?" he hissed. Of course, since it was so quiet, everyone in the hall could hear him.
"Why, Legolas," I said, "this is traditional clothing back in our homeland."
"Yes," Crystyna added, "all women dress like this. I thought you knew that."
Obviously, we had this all planned out.
"Go change right this minute!" he scolded.
"No!" someone snapped. Everyone turned to look at who it was that yelled. I was dumbfounded to see it was Gaya. "Let them remain in that attire. If it is what they wish," she added. I was scared by the look in her eye. Crystyna and I shrugged as the first course was brought out.
Dinner went by without incident. Tuna and I had practiced not slurping, gulping, smacking, and burping. And people started talking after a while, instead of gawking at us.
Which is a good thing.
After dinner, things went whoops. At least for other people. For us, however, it was a total blast.
"What now?" Eldarion said loudly. Everybody chuckled. Then Aragorn stood up and made a speech about something that was boring, and then Gaya spoke.
"I have a most lovely idea," she announced. Crystyna and I glanced at each other as Gaya smiled menacingly at us. "Since the two of you seem so excited to show off your culture, why don't you sing and dance for us?"
Oh my god, was this the perfect opportunity or what?
"Dance? Very well then," Crystyna said as she stood up and curtseyed. I followed suit. Then she hissed in my ear, "Go find a guy. I think you know what we're gonna do." I grinned evilly and went straight to Elrohir.
"Milord, may I have this dance?" I asked, curtseying once again and holding my dress up to show off a bit of my legs.
"Of course, milady," he responded happily with a polite bow. He took my hand and lead me over to a clear spot in the hall. Everyone was staring at us again. I supposed I should get used to it happening a lot.
"Luna, we must show these lovely people our native dance," Crystyna cooed.
"Right you are, Tuna," I agreed. We both cleared our throats and, in a matter-of-fact voice, said:
"The grind."
"Right. In our homeland, we do not waltz as you do," I announced. Crystyna nodded.
"Instead, we stay in one spot. The maiden faces away from the man, like so." She turned around so that her back was to Elladan. I did the same. Both elves looked extremely confused.
"Exactly. Now," I continued, "the dance we are now showing you has been passed on for many generations."
"Liar," Crystyna hissed.
"Anyway, this is quite a simple dance to do," I said. "Simply stand very close to your partner-" I backed closer towards Elrohir, and Crystyna did the same with Elladan "-and move your body!"
Hence, grinding occurred.
Elladan and Elrohir literally jumped away, they were so freaked out. People in the audience were murmuring to each other and staring as though we had just run past with no clothes on. We girls laughed and just backed it up some more. They got the idea finally and sort of relaxed. Sort of.
"Anyways," Crystyna continued, "the man usually puts his hands on the maiden's waist." That said, she grabbed Elladan's hands and forcefully put them on her hips. I was about to do the same, but Elrohir beat me to it. I looked over my shoulder at him and smirked. He grinned back.
"And don't forget," I called, not taking my eyes off his, "the man needs to move as well."
"And that is where I draw the line," he hissed in my ear. I sniggered uncontrollably.
"That is more than enough!" Gaya roared. I jumped away from Elrohir, the two of us laughing hysterically.
"That is possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!" Gaya exclaimed.
"That's a lie. She should look herself in a mirror naked," Crystyna muttered. That just set me off again laughing.
"If you cannot dance appropriately, then maybe you can sing appropriately?" the old woman sneered. I glanced at Crystyna. She smirked.
"Naughty girl," she hissed. I blinked as she turned back to everyone. "Well, my good friends, we shall now sing you a folk song from many years ago."
"Yes, seven whole years," I grumbled. Crystyna elbowed me in the ribs and continued.
"It is a lovely little sonnet about a young woman named Beyonce."
"Oh my god…" I groaned.
"Ahem."
I'm feelin' sexy
I wanna hear you say my name boy
If you can reach me
You can feel my burning flame!
We danced around, going "Ooh!" and "Yeah!" at random intervals. It was really fun, especially seeing the looks on peoples' faces.
I'm feelin' kind of n-a-s-t-y
I might just take you home with me
Baby the minute I feel your energy
Your vibe's just taken over me
Start feelin' so crazy babe
By now Aragorn was quaking with silent laughter. Hell, I think you would be too if your foster brothers had just gotten up in front of about a hundred noble families and danced provocatively.
Tonight I'll be your naughty girl
I'm callin' all my girls
We're gonna turn this party out
I know you want my body
Tonight I'll be your naughty girl
I'm callin all my girls
I see you look me up and down
And I came to party
We ended there. There was complete silence. I swear you could hear crickets chirping. We stared right back at all the people. Then, after about five seconds, we walked towards the door. By the time we reached it, we were in a full-out sprint, and my chopsticks/knitting needles had fallen out of my hair.
There was going to be hell to pay the next morning.
::::::::::
I know that this chapter was so entirely unbelievable and unlikely, but it was SO FUN to write, and the plotbunnies were eating my soul, so I had to. I think this is one of my most favorite chapters. I love the description of the dresses and stuff.
Anybob, R&R folks!
Love,
!Laura!