Okay, okay. Fine. I'll update. Geeze. It's been over two months and Laura is a bad girl who is bad at updating. (slaps own wrist) Meh.
To the chick who said I probably wouldn't read her review (and anyone else who was wondering the same thing): Hun, I read every single review I get (minus the flames), and I treasure each one, because I often get great ideas from you guys. I also love hearing praise about my stories (which I personally think are crap) and gloating about all the "WE LOVE YOU LAURA"s. So thanks again for your reviews! They're appreciated!
Misao, Demon Master: Yes, I often do greet people by saying "hiya" in a strange voice. It's fun.
I can't believe that over the last year and a half my stories have become so popular. It's so awesome. I went from a total of 50-something reviews on my first story to over 350 in the first "Celery Sticks", and I think I'll pass even that mark. It makes me so happy that you guys love my writing so much. Sorry that the first two stories were so stupid. LOL. Enjoy this chapter!
We both peeked out the doorway, then tiptoed down the hallway. Both of us had a canvas sack thrown over our shoulder which had our dresses and shoes in them. As we crept along, the heels of the shoes kept banging together, making us stop short and check for someone following us.
"We are so gonna get caught," I hissed to Crystyna. "We should have brought the stuff down earlier this afternoon and hidden it somewhere."
"Laura, you need to stop stressing out. I mean, really, I've had a ton of experience sneaking out of places."
"I'm sure," I muttered dryly. Crystyna motioned for me to stop as she looked around another corner, and then quickly pressed herself against the wall as I did the same. We held our breaths as a soldier walked by whistling to himself, then let out a sigh because we were unnoticed. Then we crept around the corner, and there it was. The main exit, only about one hundred yards away. Beyond that, escape! Freedom!! Party!!!
"On three, we make a mad desperate dash for the door, okay?" Crystyna whispered. "Okay... three!" And we both sprinted frantically towards the large doors, somehow managing to get all the way without being noticed. We hid behind a pillar, panting.
"Well, that was highly unexpected," I gasped.
"What?"
"Us making it all the way here without Legolas popping out of nowhere to tell us off."
"Yeah, that is kinda weird. Maybe he died or something."
"Don't say that."
"Elves can't die, Laura."
"Well….maybe he got run over by a rogue ent."
"Whatever. Go open the door." I snuck out from our hiding place and turned the handle. The silence in the hall made the click of the handle sound about a thousand times louder. Crystyna tensed and looked around cautiously, then motioned for me to open it. As I pulled, the hinges let out an enormous creeeeeaaaak.
"Why, God!? Why, of all days, did you make this hinge magically start to rust on the one day it was crucial we get away uncaught?" I wailed quietly. But two minutes later, no one had even seemed to notice.
"Good God, this is definitely a sign of the Apocalypse," Crystyna mumbled as we dashed to the stables. "I mean, when was the last time we tried to get somewhere without getting caught in the act?"
"Um, that's never happened," I pointed out.
"Precisely. So why should it start happening now?" she replied, looking through one of the stable windows. "No one's there that I can see. Let's go."
We opened the stable door nonchalantly and strolled over to our horses' stalls.
"Who's there?" someone called.
"Oh, for Christ's sake," I moaned. Legolas stuck his head out the tack room door.
"Hello there," he said cheerfully. "Where are you two off to?"
This wasn't the goddamn plan! Hell, we didn't even have a plan! So, naturally, we said what was most reasonable.
"Well, we're going on a picnic," Crystyna said at the same time as I said, "We're going shopping." Legolas blinked.
"Well which is it?"
"Shopping," Crystyna replied.
"Picnicking," I answered. We looked at each other and groaned.
"What do you have in your bags?" he asked, not suspiciously.
"Food."
"Money."
He simply looked at us and then held out his hand. Crystyna gave it to him without any hesitation. He opened the sack, looked in, then closed it and handed it back.
"Where are you really going?" He didn't sound very angry at all. Me and Crystyna exchanged a glance, then told the truth, and about the job.
"And no matter what you do, you're not gonna stop us," I said defiantly. He sighed and rubbed his forehead.
"I understand. But… we need to have a talk." He patted a bale of hay on the floor and we sat on it. He sat on a tack box on the other side of the aisle.
"Ever since the two of you came here the first time, I realized that you were not like most humans I have encountered. True, you came from another world, but it did not seem logical for everyone in your world to act as… uniquely as you two do. I suppose that is just the way most teenagers act there.
"But now you've come back, and I have noticed something. Although you have matured physically-" Crystyna cut him off with a giggle "-you do not have seemed to have matured at all emotionally or socially. It is almost as though the two of you came back with the same personality as when you left, which is strange, since you have aged several years. It would seem normal to me for the two of you to have calmed down a bit over the past years."
I thought for a moment. "Y'know, you're right. I don't think I acted like this back on regular Earth, did I Crystyna?"
"No, not really. I mean, you were still acting stupid and immature, but not nearly as bad as you are now."
"Thanks," I said dryly. "And you've just become Miss Prim and Proper," I added sarcastically.
"Well it's true," she complained.
"Anyways," Legolas interrupted, "can you think of any logical reason for you to act differently here than there?"
"Legolas, we've just been transported from one dimension to another. Nothing is logical anymore," Crystyna pointed out. He chuckled.
"I suppose that is true." He sighed. "I apologize for acting so strictly towards you. I realize that you are young women now, but you still seem like children to me, and I still feel responsible for you. But just know that you do not have to sneak around avoiding me."
"Sorry," I mumbled. I suddenly felt somewhat guilty for what we had put him through.
"It's all forgiven. But just remember something." He looked at us, one eyebrow raised. "If you mess up even more than you have, which would be nearly impossible, I could embarrass you even more than I did when I made the twins wear Arwen's dresses. The resemblance was uncanny."
Christ, what an image.
"Okay… that's creepy. And we need to go, we were supposed to be at the inn ten minutes ago," Crystyna said. Legolas smiled.
"Be careful. Let me know if anything goes wrong." He walked out of the barn and back up towards the hall. Crystyna and I looked at each other.
"Well, let's go whore ourselves around for some relaxation," she said cheerfully. So off we rode on Duke down to the first level of the city.
Aelis squealed when we opened the door and threw her arms around our necks. "Oh, how fun this will be!" she said, beaming. "I can't wait until you start coming every night!"
"Every night?" I spluttered, caught off guard.
"Yes. Father says that if all goes well, he wants you two to work full time. Won't it be grand?"
"Errr…" Crystyna looked at me and shrugged. "Well, let's just see how it goes tonight. If it's all good, then I guess we can come once in a while." Aelis grinned even broader and took our hands and led us inside.
"Ah, hello there!" An older man, probably in his early sixties, came out from behind the bar. He was partially bald and had white hair and a mustache. "I am Aelis' father, Tiner," he said, shaking our hands. "It is a great pleasure to meet you."
"Where is everyone?" I asked.
"Oh, the inn does not officially open until sundown, about an hour from now," Aelis explained. "It will give you time to eat and get ready, and then we can explain what we would like you to do." I wasn't feeling very hungry. To tell the truth, I was nervous. Not because I didn't want to show off to a bunch of men (I'm quite fond of that really), but because Lord knew what was going to happen when they saw us.
Aelis ushered us to a table and then went off to get our food. She came back a couple minutes later with wooden plates piled high with greens and what looked like a steak, as well as a loaf of bread with butter.
"You will have to excuse the small amount of food; we need to save it for the guests," she apologized. I gaped at her.
"Aelis, there's enough food to feed an army here. Why apologize?" She beamed at me.
"Thank you for being so understanding. Well, we are running a bit late, so I will just explain the process to you while you eat.
"Forgive the comparison, but the two of you are mostly, how do you say, lures to get people to come to the inn. We have not been doing as well as we would like over the last few years, and my father has come close to closing the inn down. But now that the two of you are here, and being as pretty as you are, you are sure to attract plenty of men." She looked like we were sent from heaven. I gulped. I hoped she wasn't expecting us to make this a long-term commitment, but from the looks of things, she was. Crap.
"So basically all we need you to do is to wear those dresses, which will certainly attract attention," she giggled, "and simply walk around and talk to the men. And, if you would like to, you can-"
"Aelis, excuse me for interrupting, but we are not going to act as whores," I said sternly. "I may not have much self-respect, but I don't swing that way."
She blushed furiously. "Oh goodness, I should hope not! That is not at all what we wanted you to do! In fact, we are going to make that quite clear to the men. We draw the line at kissing."
"No, we draw the line before kissing," Crystyna argued. "I'm sorry, but no. I've seen some of the men that live in this city and I do not want to kiss them."
"Yeah man. We want bodyguards. Bodyguards that could eat an entire oliphaunt if they wanted. Hell, I want a bodyguard the size of an oliphaunt."
"Oh. Oh, I see," Aelis stuttered, embarrassed. "I understand, I would not want to kiss them either." She laughed. "Do not worry, we will have someone keeping an eye on you all night to make sure there is no trouble."
"Who's that going to be?"
"Us, of course," said two voices. I leaned backwards in my chair, laughing when I saw who it was.
"I have a feeling that most of these men will not be intimidated by two elves who are less than half as big around as they are," I said to Elladan.
"That is why we will be sitting alone in a corner with our hoods up, so that they do not suspect anything," Elrohir commented.
"Not exactly an oliphaunt, are you, Elf boy?" Crystyna said with a smirk.
"I am sure there will not be any trouble, but you can never know, which is why we decided to ask them for the job. We knew that the four of you were quite good friends," Aelis said with a smile. "Now the two of you should be getting ready, we only have thirty minutes. If you go up those stairs and turn left, there is a small room where you can prepare yourselves." We thanked her for the great meal and then trotted up the stairs with our bags slung over our shoulders.
"Well, déjà vu, eh?" Crystyna asked, examining her hair in the little mirror on the wall.
"Indeed," I replied as I finished with the small bit of makeup I was applying. I sighed. "Crystyna, do you think Aelis wants us to do this for a long time? I mean, it might be nice for one time or two, but if it's going to be a full-time job, I don't want to have to come down here every night."
"I know. Let's just tell her that this is a sort of test run, kay? I mean, we're not required to stay for a long time, right?"
"I hope not." I listened as a loud crash came from downstairs. "Good God, is there a bar fight going on?" The sound of laughter floated up through the floorboards.
"Naw, I think someone just got piss drunk and toppled off his chair or something," Crystyna commented, unfazed. How was it that she was less nervous than I was?
"Well," she said, taking a deep breath, "you ready?"
"I think so."
"Let's go then." She looped her arm through mine and we walked down the stairs together. A blast of air that smelled of ale, smoke, and sweat met our noses, and I cringed. When we were four steps from the bottom the tavern went completely silent. You could literally hear the crickets chirping outside.
"May I present you Miss Crystyna and Miss Laura!" Aelis' father shouted. Immediately a roar filled the room and we were literally pulled down by two men who had grabbed our arms. Immediately Crystyna was off flirting and giggling with a group of thirty year old men. The man who had my arm leaned in towards my ear and whispered hello.
"Uh, heh, um, hey. What's happening?"
"You tell me," he muttered with a creepy grin that showed yellowing teeth. I tossed my hair and pulled my arm away.
"If you'll excuse me, I have work to do," I said, and with that I walked off, sporting a flirtatious grin. "How ya doin', fellas?" I asked a group of men who appeared to be about fifty. "You're lookin' swell."
It was all very Hello, Dolly!
A man walked up and thrust a mug of ale in my hand, then launched into his hopes for the future, which, unfortunately, involved me marrying him. I downed the ale and handed the glass back. "Sorry honey, but I'm not a marrying sort of girl," I said nonchalantly, then bounced off to join up with Crystyna. She was standing around talking to a group of surprisingly good-looking young men about our age.
"How are you tonight, boys?" I said over all the hubbub in the background. Their response was an excited mumble. They looked extremely pleased to have both of us to themselves. Crystyna glanced over her shoulder then motioned with her head towards the corner. I stood on my tiptoes and saw two figures sitting in a corner, completely silent. One of them inclined their head slightly at me and I grinned and waved.
"So boys, how about one of you buys us some drinks?" Crystyna said with a wink. At once all of them scrambled towards the bar. She looked at me. "Shit on a stick, this is too easy. I've never been able to wrap a guy around my finger so fast before."
"Well, neither of us has ever been the biggest slut in the world before," I offered. She grinned and thanked the lucky gentleman who arrived back first by sitting on his lap. "It comes in pints?" she exclaimed. When she saw the look of confusion on the boy's face, she cooed. "Why, such a nice gesture. Thank you, honey." The guy looked ecstatic as the other four looked unsure of what to do with an extra ale each. I was then remembered and had four mugs thrust at me.
"Whoa there, I'm not that big of a drinker," I said, pushing them away. Crystyna snorted.
"Liar."
I took one of the mugs but only finished half of what was in it. Truth was, I didn't want to get completely shithoused, for understandable reasons. If I had, who knows whose bed I would have ended up in? It most likely wouldn't have been mine, and I most certainly wouldn't have been alone. Yuck
An hour later we were still wandering around, and Crystyna was still accepting pints, even after the little carrying-out-the-door incident she had by some pervert. Why she came back, I have no idea.
I decided to sit down in a chair, since my legs were feeling rather wobbly and the room was spinning. I wondered what they put in the ale that made it so… hallucinogenic. It wasn't easy sitting down: my butt had been pinched so many times it was probably bruised.
I looked up as a man sat down next to me and put his arm on the back of my chair. He positively reeked of beer and what smelled like whiskey. Or maybe tequila. Tequila? They have tequila in Middle Earth? Fabulous!
But anyway.
I was grossed out by the stench, so I stood up. "If you'll excuse me, I need some fresh air. I feel a bit sick." 'Cause of your smell, I added mentally.
"Well, then I'll come too," he slurred. He was obviously very drunk.
"No, I'm fine, thank you. I can get out there-" Before I could finish my protest he had his arm around my shoulder in a death clutch and was steering me towards the back door. I threw a frantic look over my shoulder towards the corner where the twins were sitting. Immediately one of them leapt up and started pushing his way through the crowd just as the man started pulling me out the door.
"Now," he said, slamming the door and pushing himself up against it, "how much?"
"How much what?" I stammered, trying to back away. He reached out and grabbed my shoulder and pulled me close to his face. The smell made me want to vomit.
"For your…services." He smirked at me.
"Let go, you're drunk and I'm not like that. Let go!" I yelled, trying to get away. I heard one of the twins banging on the door, but the man was so big that even he couldn't push through.
"C'mon now, missy, y'know you want to," he laughed as he tightened his grip. "You can't get away."
This is so cliché I don't even know where to begin, I though ironically. Then I pulled my leg back and kicked him as hard as I possibly could between his legs. He roared and fell to the ground in a fetal position. I laughed.
"Not so tough now, are ya, ya retarded butt cuddler?" I sneered. I was not, however, expecting him to grab onto my ankle.
"I'll kill ya!" he yelled. I stumbled and fell to the ground on my back. Soon he was next to me and trying to pull a small knife out of his belt. I screamed as someone came up behind him and kicked fiercely at his side, causing him to roll off and curl up into a ball once again. Whoever it was pulled me to my feet and started dusting off my dress.
"Are you alright?" he asked. I nodded.
"Who are you?" I stuttered, not sure which one it was.
"It is Elladan," he responded. I let out a sigh of relief. "What happened?"
"Look out!" I shrieked. The man had stood back up and was about to strangle the elf. Without turning around, Elladan threw his fist over his shoulder. His hand connected with the man's face with a sickening crunch, and the man crumpled to the ground, unconscious.
"Whoa. Nice move."
"Thank you. Now what happened?"
"You saw what happened. He practically raped me!"
Elladan sighed. "This is exactly what Legolas was worried would happen. I'm afraid we-"
"Don't worry. There is no way in hell I'm coming back here again. I've been inches from death too many times since I've gotten here and I'm gonna do my best for it to not happen again."
I was back in our room, curled up under the sheets. A maid had gotten me a warm drink, and Legolas and the twins were sitting in chairs by the bed. Legolas was giving me the "I told you so" look.
"I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. But you don't have to worry, I'm not going back there again," I assured him.
"Apology accepted. I'm glad you made that decision on your own, because I do not want to keep ordering you around like slaves. But the problem is not with you, for once. It is with Crystyna. She refuses to quit because she insists that this is the most fun she has had in a long time. If she's not careful, something will happen to her as well."
"I'll try to talk to her," I promised.
"Good. We will stay here until-" Just then the door slammed open and hit the wall. Crystyna came storming in, throwing her cloak onto the other bed.
"Well, you've done it again," she said loudly.
"What?" I sat up in the bed and leaned against the headboard.
"You managed to go and play the damsel in distress by almost getting raped." She laughed sarcastically and sat down on the edge of her own bed. "Tell me, Laura. How the hell do you manage to do this every goddamn time?" I stared at her.
"Crystyna, you're acting stupid. You've had too much to drink."
"This has nothing to do with being drunk, Laura. You always mess things up, don't you realize that? We finally had something to do where Legolas wouldn't constantly be on our backs about it, bitching all the time, and now you've fucked it up once again. Congratulations."
I tried to change the subject. "Crystyna, you can't go back there again. You'll get hurt if you do. I mean, God! Both of us were forced out the door within two hours!"
"You're just jealous because I got way more attention than you did!" she snarled. I was taken aback. We had never had a huge fight like this before. The change in her attitude caught me off guard. "You don't want me to have any fun because you can't have any. Selfish bitch. God, I'd rather live at the tavern than hang around you." With that she flew out the door and slammed it behind her.
The elves all looked at the door as I started sobbing.
Whew. Dramatic. Sorry, Tuna, but something had to happen! I don't think you're a bitch! I wub oo! :O In a non-lesbian way, of course.
Please review! Hope y'all have a happy Christmahanukwanzika!
Lurve,
.:!Laura!:.