Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid. (I do, however own 3 rays, a couple of Rexes, and half a dozen Shagohods.)

Chapter 3: Mr. Peanut.

Snake: Paramedic, I caught a peanut.

Paramedic: FOUND a peanut Snake. You really should work on your vocabulary more often.

Snake: No, I caught it. It was running around in circles when I saw it. The damn thing took 7 tranq rounds before it went down.

Paramedic: So you "caught" a peanut, that you found running around in circles in the jungle.

Snake: Yep.

Paramedic: Snake, I thought I told you not to eat those leaves you found a while back.

Snake: No, I'm serious. I actually found a giant walking peanut.

Paramedic: I see. So, this peanut of yours, it has legs?

Snake: Yeah, and arms.

Paramedic: and arms?

Snake: and it's wearing shoes and gloves.

Paramedic: Shoes, and gloves?

Snake: And a top hat and a…what's that thing, the glasses with only one glass? Sokolov was wearing one?

Paramedic: A monocle?

Snake: Yeah, that's it. Oh, and it's carrying a cane.

Paramedic: So, you caught a giant peanut that has arms and legs, is wearing gloves, shoes, a top hat, a monocle, and it has a cane.

Snake: Yeah, that's about it.

Paramedic: ………Uh, Snake could you hold on a sec?

Snake: Sure.

" Sigint! We got a problem; I think Snake's finally gone nuts! " (No pun intended.)

" What? What'd he do now? Find a way to take off his pants?"

" No! He said he caught a giant peanut, a giant walking peanut."

" What!?! Oh, man, I knew he had issues after that whole "the box is my destiny." Thing. But walking nuts?!?"

" What do we do?"

" Well uh…is he showing any other signs of insanity? Incoherent speech, muscle spasms, voices in his head?"

" Not that I know of."

" Good, that's a minor relief, I think for now, we should just humor him you know? Make sure he stays on the mission and we'll deal with this after it's all over."

" You really think this is the best thing to do?"

"Well I think it's the most logical thing to do, look, as long as it doesn't jeopardize the mission, it should be fine. Remember those Russian glowcaps?"

" Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Good, now go on, do your thing."

"Got it."

Snake: What took you so long?

Paramedic: I was errr…checking my guide! Yeah that's it! For your…nut.

Snake: And?

Paramedic: Well err, what you have right there is a…um…a "GriantWelrkinpannot". It's Russian for "Giant walking peanut". It mainly thrives in jungles in Russia, and is commonly found wearing gloves, shoes, a monocle and a top hat. And carrying a cane. Yeah, that's it.

Snake: I see…so, how does it taste?

Paramedic: Welllllll…the guide doesn't say.

Snake: Damn, but it should be edible right? I mean it is a peanut and all.

Paramedic: Uh well…I…guess so.

Snake: Good, thanks Paramedic, you've been a great help.

Paramedic: Err, well, no problem…(Signs off)

Snake: Hmm, all that talking has made me hungry. (Stares at Mr. Peanut in cage who has just woken up and is smiling at him.) I guess now's a better time then any. (Opens up the cage and proceeds to eat Mr. Peanut…ALIVE as his smile quickly degenerates into a more horrified and helpless expression as his insides (all two parts (or three if you're lucky) of them) are slowly eaten away.)

Very good stamina recovery.

Snake: Tasty. (Stares at Monocle and top hat left behind.) Hmm…

Five minutes later…

Snake: (Uses Radio.)

Sigint: ……Err, Snake. What's with the Monocle and the hat?

End chapter