Disclaimer: There are conspiracies everywhere; the whole world is a conspiracy! Even now, my egg salad is plotting against me…oh, and I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

A/N: This chapter could have a R rating for the heavy swearing. (You'll see.)

Chapter 4: Leprechaun

Snake: (Uses radio) Paramedic, I know that you told me several times before the mission not to resort to cannibalism for my survival. But I am seriously starving right now, and there's really nothing to eat at all! Trust me, I looked, anyway I REALLY checked EVERYWHERE but there's really nothing else to eat so I…

Paramedic: Oh my god. Snake, please tell me that you did not just ate a Russian Soldier.

Snake: What? No! No, of course not! (Haven't seen any yet anyway...) But you see, I caught this midget, and the thing is, it's looks human but I not really sure it is.

Paramedic: You caught a midget?

Snake: Yeah but the thing is, I think it's too small to be a human. The thing doesn't even reach to my knees!

Paramedic: Snake, midgets have been known to be less then a foot in height

Snake: Yeah well, but I'm REALLY hungry…

Paramedic: Snake, you know I don't condone cannibalism.

Snake: Give me a break paramedic, I don't really have much stamina left, isn't the mission more important?

Paramedic: Well……

???: Let me go! Let me go ye filthy cur!

Paramedic: Is that him?

Snake: What? Oh, yeah. That's the midget. Anyway, just give me your blessings and I'll eat the damn thing.

Paramedic: Wait! I want to talk to it first before I give you any of my…uh "blessings".

Snake: Is that really necessary?

Paramedic: Yes, I'm pretty sure it is Snake.

Snake: Aww, Fine, just let me put the radio on it. (A few minutes pass in silence except for the occasional " Unhand me ye stupid monkey!" and "Hold still! Bitch!")

???: I said let m…oooo, now ye a fine one, young missy.

Paramedic: Err, yeah thanks. Are you the midget?

???: Nay! Midget I am not! I, am an Irish Leprechaun!

Paramedic: Leprechaun? Aren't those just a myth?

???: Are they now? Am I not standing before you now? In my green boots? My green coat? And my green pants? I have me some green underpants too, here ye can se…

Paramedic: NO! I mean I'm convinced! Yeah! Uh, do you have a name?

???: Aye young missy. Alas, my true name is but a tad long. Me friends call me Bill though.

Paramedic: Well Bill, do you realize that my socially and culturally inapt friend over there is planning eat you?

Bill: Eat me! Nay! Nay! He can't! He can't! Young Missy ye must help me!

Paramedic: Well I can't say I can do much from this end.

Bill: Please! Please! Young Missy! Ye must help me! I'll tell ye what. If ye can convince ye…"friend" not to eat me. I'll give ye me pot of gold.

Paramedic: ………A pot of gold?

Bill: Aye young missy.

Paramedic: Pure…gold?

Bill: Only but the finest!

Paramedic: Right there in Russia?

Bill: Is but a five minute walk from where we are, I can lead ye "friend" to it.

Paramedic: And all I have to do is tell my friend not to eat you?

Bill: That is the deal young missy.

Paramedic: Wellllllll……if you could put him on again , I'll see what I can do.

Bill: Ye have my thanks young missy, just wait a few moments.

" So can I eat you now?"

"The young missy wants to talk to ye, ye smelly oaf."

" Grrr, this better be to tell me how you taste."

Snake: yeah, so? Is he edible?

Paramedic: Snake, listen to me.

Snake: You know, forgot it, it doesn't really matter what you tell me, I'm just gonna eat him anyw…

Paramedic: SNAKE! You absolutely canNOT eat him!

Snake: What! Why?

Paramedic: Well…because my guide says so.

Snake: Your guide has information on it?

Paramedic: Yeah, What you have there is uh……a "Lettalegreaenmenan", it's Russian for "little green man". It's commonly found in Russian jungles and is really really poisonous.

Snake: Poisonous?

Paramedic: yes, poisonous.

Snake: How poisonous? Because you know, I've eaten King Cobras and stuff without any problems.

Paramedic: Well, err…once you eat him, you'll get a very bad headache, then a very very bad stomachache, then a very very VERY bad case of the runs, and then you'll die.

Snake: ………Really?

Paramedic: Yes, really.

Snake: Great, just great. Now I'm just gonna sit here and starve to death.

Paramedic: Snake, are you absolutely sure there's no food anywhere? I mean, it is a jungle.

Snake: Yes, I've checked thoroughly.

Paramedic: Hmmmm……

Snake: Well, I do have those Russian rations…

Paramedic: GOOD! EAT THOSE!

Snake: But they taste horrible! I mean they taste worse then spoilt vampire bats!

Paramedic: Snake, your survival depends on it, so eat it!

Snake: Grrr, fine, fine, I'll eat them.

Paramedic: Good, and after you do, I want you to listen to the little green man's instructions.

Snake: What?!? You still want me to keep him!?!

Paramedic: Yes! Snake listen, that little green man is going to lead you to something really important, so I want you to go exactly where he tells you to go to. Do you understand snake?

Snake: mpttbudf. (A/N: If you don't know, Snake's grumbling, I just don't know how to type grumbling noises.)

Paramedic: I said do you understand Snake?

Snake: Yeah, yeah, I understand.

Paramedic: Good, don't fail me now Snake.

Snake: mpttbudf……(Signs off)

ONE HOUR LATER…

Russian Soldier: Он - там! Получите его!

Snake: Shit! Persistent bastards…(Radio starts beeping) Who is this?

Paramedic: Snake! It' been over an hour! What happened?

Snake: Paramedic, can this wait? I'm in the middle of a firefight right now. (Shoots a few bullets at the Russian guards.)

Paramedic: Snake, where's the Leprechaun?

Snake: Who? (Fires more bullets)

Paramedic: The little green guy!

Snake: What? Oh him, I ate him.

Paramedic: YOU WHAT?

Snake: Well yeah, I figured that if your guide was wrong about those ural luminescent mushrooms, it could be wrong about this. And you know what? Your guide was wrong, he was pretty tasty. Thank god for that too, if not, I would have really eaten those Russian rations.

Paramedic: WHAT!!?! Then what about my pot of gold?!?!

Snake: Pot of gold? Oh THAT pot of gold, yeah, I found it.

Paramedic: You did?!?! Oh thank you Snake! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Snake: Don't mentio…SHIT!

"Стреляйте его! Стреляйте его!"

" I said leave me alone you bastards!" (Throws something at them)

"Добейтесь ого-го! Золото! Золото! Товарищ большое спасибо!" (The Soldiers leave)

Snake: Well that took care of them.

Paramedic: What did you do?

Snake: I threw some gold pieces at them; those things work great at distracting guards, even when they already notice you.

Paramedic: Oh good for you, I didn't know gold was standard-issue……waitaminute, WAS THAT FROM MY POT OF GOLD?!?!?!

Snake: Yeah it was, you know, you don't have to shout, I can hear you just fine.

Paramedic: WHAT?!?!!?! Then how much is left?

Snake: Err, let me check. (a few moments of scuffling through.) Well I think that was the last of it

Paramedic:……the last of it?

Snake: Yeah, well, I still have the pot though.

Paramedic: ………………………………………

Snake: Paramedic?

Paramedic: YOU FUCKING BASTARD! YOU STUPID SHITBAG! THAT WAS MY GOLD! MINE! HOW COULD YOU JUST DO THAT TO MY GOLD! YOU STUPID SONOVABITCH!!!

Snake; Whoa! Jesus! Paramedic, calm down!

Paramedic: YOU WANT ME TO CLAM DOWN AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO MY GOLD! YOU ASSHOLE! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DID YOU #&&$($&#&&&#&#&&#$&&#&$$###&#&#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snake: Look, I'm sorry! Okay?

Paramedic: #$#&$##$##$##&$$##&$#$&#&$#&#&#$&$#…

Snake: Hey! That was uncalled for!

Paramedic: &#&$&((&&#&&$&#&&$(&#&(&#&&#&(&$&&((&(…HURK! (Faints.)

Snake: ………….Paramedic? You alright?

Paramedic: ………………

Snake: You still there?

Paramedic:………

Snake: I need to get back to the mission now, so err…yeah. (Signs off)

Paramedic: ………

End chapter

Он - там! Получите его! – He's over that! Get him!

Стреляйте его! Стреляйте его! - Shoot him! Shoot him!

Добейтесь ого-го! Золото! Золото! Товарищ большое спасибо! – Woo Hoo! Gold! Gold! Many thanks comrade!

A/N: Whew! Longest chapter yet, I know that it's not really focusing on food but I just couldn't get this out of my head so I typed it down. I know Paramedic might be a bit OOC in this chapter but hey, I think losing a whole pot of gold is enough to make her snap.