Disclaimer: I seriously doubt this is even necessary since I don't think anyone from Konami is reading this. And even if they were, all they'd get if they sued were my pants.
Chapter 5: Stonefish
Snake: (Uses radio) Sigint, is paramedic still mad at me?
Sigint: Well, when she woke up a few minutes after she fainted, she started cursing and swearing about losing her pot or something. The Major tried to calm her down but then she went ballistic and started throwing things at him. So we had to restrain her with a strait jacket.
Snake: That bad, huh?
Sigint: It could've been worse if you ask me, then we tried talking to her, after she stopped foaming in the mouth that is, but she couldn't stop laughing and then she started whispering to herself. Something about "plotting to make midget-eater eat his own genitals.". Someone you know?
Snake: Doesn't ring a bell.
Sigint: So we tried reasoning with her with no results, so the major had her confine to a padded cell. Congratulations Snake, I think you've officially made Paramedic crazy.
Snake: Damn…I guess that means I can't ask her for help or save anymore then?
Sigint: Well normally, that would be the case, but guess what? You're in luck snake!
Snake: I am?
Sigint: Yeah, you see, there's this process that I've been devising called "Selective Brainwashing", It's still in the early stages but I suggested to the Major that I could use it to cure Paramedic.
Snake: How does it work?
Sigint: Well, it basically involved a whole lot of tranquilizers, some lemon-scented shampoo, a couple of motivational tapes and the Major's impersonation of James Bond.
Snake: Did it work? Is she okay?
Sigint: Well, as far as I know, we managed to erase the part of her memory that involves the whole "pot" incident; she still remembers everything else though, so yeah I guess it was successful.
Snake: Great, can I talk to her? I need to ask her something.
Sigint: Well…I don't see any reason you couldn't, but just remember; we just finished the whole process 15 minutes ago, so she might be a little…whacked, It should wear off eventually though.
Snake: Got it.
Sigint; I'll put her on.
"Who is it?"
" It's Snake, he wants to you."
" OOOO!!!! Snake wants to talk to me!!!!!!!!! So Kawalli!!!!!!!!!!!"
" Errr, yeah, here."
" What's wrong Sigint? Come over here, let me give you a nice big hug!"
" Uh no thanks, I'm just gonna leave the room now."
Paramedic: Oh, Siggy, you're always so tens-HI!!!! Snake!!!! How are you!!!!!
Snake: Err, I'm fine. Are you okay?
Paramedic: Oh yeah! Yeah! I'm fine! But they just finished the whole head-cleaning thing you know? So I'm feeling a little light-headed!!!
Snake: Umm, okay. Listen, I caught this fish.
Paramedic: OH! SO KAWALLI!!!!!! That's a stonefish! It's so Kawalli!!! Look!! I think it's looking at me! SO KAWALLI!!!!!!
Snake: ……okayyyy, so how does it taste?
Paramedic: Oh, it's really really good!!! Yeah, you know, I had it in a restaurant once and it was the most delicious thing I had ever ate!!! And more importantly…IT'S SO KAWALLI!!!!!!!
Snake: (Stares at stonefish in hand), Uh, you sure?
Paramedic: Yeah! Yeah! Don't worry! Hey! You know what? You should eat it with those yellow-striped leaves you found a while back!
Snake: I thought you said those were poisonous.
Paramedic: Well, yeah it is. But if you wrap the stonefish with the leaves, because the stonefish is so kawalli. It will neutralize the poison!
Snake: Really?
Paramedic: Yeah! Just use the leaves to wrap up the stonefish, you know? Like a Burrito? And presto! You have a delicious snack you can eat on the go! So Kawalli!!!
Snake: Err, okay, I'll take your word for it.
Paramedic: Good! Good! Listen, I have to go now! Catch you later Snakey! (Signs off)
Snake: …Snakey? (Stares at Stonefish.)
Flashback
Paramedic: Yeah! Just use the leaves to wrap up the stonefish, you know? Like a Burrito? And presto! You have a delicious snack you can eat on the go! So Kawalli!!!
End Flashback
Snake: (Wraps up stonefish with the leaves) ……Just like a Burrito. (Eats Stonefish Burrito.)
Stonefish (Synanceia sp.)
Stonefish are found in warm coastal waters throughout the world, and may be described as the world's most dangerous stinging fish. Thirteen dorsal spines project from venom glands along their back such that venom is involuntarily expelled when the spine is pressed upon. The sting is extremely painful and swelling rapidly develops. The severity of the symptoms is related to the depth of penetration of the spines and the number of spines involved. Systemic effects of the venom may include muscle weakness, paralysis and shock.
And they're also really ugly motherfuckers, but enough of that, let's get back to the story.
Five minutes later…
Russian Soldier number 1: Эй, Вы знаете, что автор фактически не знает, как говорить по-русски? Он только использует переводчика онлайн.
Russian Soldier number 2: Никакое дерьмо? Я всегда думал, что распутник был слишком глуп, чтобы изучить второй язык!
(They both start laughing)
" OH GAWDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Russian Soldier number 1: Что трахание было этим!?!?
Russian Soldier number 2: Ак! Дьявол прибыл в нашу родину! Управляемый для вашего товарища жизней! (They both run away.)
Snake: (Lying on the ground writhing in pain) IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SOMEONE KILL ME NOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! STOP THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Pain: (Walks over to Snake and starts poking him with a stick.) Hehe, Pain! (Runs off)
Snake: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
" Oh, and Sigint? Your "selective brainwashing" didn't work."
" What!?! But the pot incid…"
" I got over it."
End ChapterЭй, Вы знаете, что автор фактически не знает, как говорить по-русски? Он только использует переводчика онлайн. –Hey did you know the author doesn't actually know how to speak Russian? He's just using an online Translator.
Никакое дерьмо? Я всегда думал, что распутник был слишком глуп, чтобы изучить второй язык! - No shit? I always thought that fucker was too stupid to learn a second language!
Что трахание было этим!?!?- What the fuck was that!?!?
Ак! Дьявол прибыл в нашу родину! Управляемый для вашего товарища жизней! – Ack! The Devil has come to our motherland! Run for your lives comrade!
Kawalli- Cute, I'm not sure whether I spelt it right though.
A/N: If this chapter sucks, I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of writer's block right now. Finding things for Snake to eat is harder then I thought it would be.
