What do you get when you cross a stripper with a Snake?

Naked Snake!

Crickets Chirping…

Bah! Be that way for all I care!

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

Chapter 6: Horse

Snake: (Uses Radio) urgg……Par…medi…

Paramedic: Jesus! Snake, what the hell happened to you?

Snake: I…ate…the boss's…ass…

Paramedic: You what!?!

Snake: erghhh………

Flashback

(It's the beginning of the Snake Eater Mission and Snake has just landed in the Russian Jungle.)

Snake: (Is walking around cautiously.)

???: Neigh!

Snake: What was that? (Walks over to the source of the sound and finds a horse.)

Horse: Neigh!

Snake: (Walks over to the Horse slowly, and begins to pet it.)

Horse: Snort!

Snake: (Smiles for a few moments at the Horse before opening his mouth and…)

5 minutes later…

The Boss: (Reaches the area) Jack, you're sti-OH MY GOD!

Snake: (Was eating the Horse but looks up at her, still with some meat in his mouth.) Bohish, (Stare at half-eaten horse) Ishi thish yourish? I didish Menish to! I thught it whas wld!

The Boss: You fucking…stupid…. bastard! (Walks over to snake and begins to lay the CQC smack-down on him.) Do you have (punches him in the face.) ANY (Breaks his fingers.) idea how much that (kicks him in the shins) damn thing COST? (Elbows him in the stomach.)

Snake: Oof! (Gets the air knocked out of him.)

The Boss: Feeding it, (Steps on his toes.), keeping it's mane silky, (Bites his ears.), and most of all, IMPORTING IT TO THIS DAMN COUNTRY! (Dislocate his shoulders) DO YOU THINK HORSES GROW IN RUSSIA JACK? (Knees him in the groin.)

Snake: Argh! (Gets half his ribs broken.)

The Boss: YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! (Finishes off by throwing Snake to the ground.)

Snake: Ohhhhhh… (It starts raining, and Snake looks up and sees the Sorrow with his one good (Read: Barely functional) eye standing next to the Boss holding a sign that reads: "You were SO asking for it.")

The Boss: (Notices Snake's jet pod and begins shooting at it, causing it to explode, then she turns her attention back to Snake.) DIE BITCH! (Begins shooting at him.)

Snake: ……… ((Presumably) playing dead)

The Boss: DIE! (Continues shooting.)

Snake: ……………

The Boss: (Continues firing)

Snake: ………………

Much MUCH later…

Click!

The Boss: (Inspect now miraculously empty Patriot.) Faulty piece of shit! (Stares at Snake's body unbelievably still intact for a few moments before walking off) Great! Now I'm going to have to walk all the way to the base! Stupid shitbag…(Walks off)

Snake: ……………….

Five minutes later…

Snake: ………………..Ohhh………(Uses Radio.)

End Flashback

Paramedic: Oh, so THAT'S what happened. Oh and Snake, The term 'ass' is used to describe a Donkey, not a Horse.

Snake: Arggg……

Paramedic: You know Snake, I can't believe you. How could you eat such a beautiful and noble creature such as a horse?

Snake: uhhh………

Paramedic: I mean sure, when you eat a rat or a fish I can understand that but horse are such wonderful animals!

Snake: ohhh………

Paramedic: And you know what Snake? I hate to say it but to a certain extent, you deserved what you got.

Snake: ……par…med…dic…

Paramedic: Yes?

Snake; …need…medi..cal…atten…ion…

Paramedic: oh yeah right, let me check through your wounds first.

Five minutes later…

Paramedic: Gee, I think I have to take back what I said about you deserving this Snake.

Snake: Urghhhhh………

Paramedic: 127 broken bones… 546 deep cuts… Cracked Skull, Severed arteries, Punctured lungs, crushed balls, not to mention all those bullet wounds! Christ Snake, you were better off during the Virtuous mission, and you fell off a cliff than!

Snake: Ugrrrr………

Paramedic: You know Snake, when I said that your eating habits were going to be the death of you someday. Somehow, this wasn't how I envisioned it to be like.

Snake: S…o…Wha…at…now…?

Paramedic: Well Snake, I'll be frank. I have bad news, worse news and worst news.

Snake: …ba…d…

Paramedic: You should be dead by now. I can bet you a trillion bucks that any other person in your shoes, well hypothetically speaking of course since I don't think you'll be wearing any shoes for a while with those mangled feet of yours, would have passed on long ago.

Snake: …W…or…se…

Paramedic: You're still alive, and I'm not trained to handle wounds these extensive. Heck, I don't think any Doctor in the world is trained to handle wounds this extensive. If it were any other person, my advice to them would be to just sit back, and wait to die.

Snake: …wo…r…st…

Paramedic: You don't have that luxury. You're on a very important mission right now that involves the fate of the world and its future. There can be no room for failure. So I'm afraid you're just going to have to suck it up, open up that SURVIVAL viewer of yours, patch up your wounds as best as you can and continue on with the mission.

Snake: ……shi…t…

Paramedic: Oh, it's not all THAT bad. I'll be here to guide you through the whole thing Snake.

Snake: …I…hat…e…th…is…job…

Paramedic: Oh quit whining! I'll tell you what; we'll start with your damaged testicles. First, you take your knife, and SLOWLY cut away the…

End Chapter

A/N: Snake-Bashing seems to be becoming quite a usual occurrence in this fic. Ah, well he's a fun character to abuse. I would also like to thank all my reviewers for their support and for any suggestions they may have contributed. Keep'em coming!