I can't see shit that's not within three inches of my face right now. I'm typing this chapter with my nose pressed against the screen. Even now, I can feel my eyesight slowly deteriorating. And remember, this is all for you dear readers! So please Read and Review!
Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid. If I did, the game would take on a more "Iron Chef" type of theme and you would be able to eat anything. It wouldn't be as good I think but hey, you can't have your cake and eat it right? (Snake: I disagree.)
Chapter 7: Great White Shark
Snake: Paramedic, there are these really big fishes swimming around in the swamp.
Paramedic: Really? That's strange, according to the guide. The biggest fish in that area is the arowana.
Snake: The what?
Paramedic: Ancient fish.
Snake: Oh yeah, those were tasty. They're bigger then that though. They're bigger then those crocodiles too.
Paramedic: Bigger then the Indian gavial? I don't know what type of fish you're talking about. Could you describe it?
Snake: Well, err…let's see…well…they're big…they're fish…they have fins…any ideas?
Paramedic: You're not helping Snake.
Snake: Okay, let me think, …err well; they have this really big fin that sticks out of the water.
Paramedic: Hmmm…colorations?
Snake: Well, the topside of the fish is somewhat grayish. And its belly is white. Oh! And I saw a Russian soldier try to swim across the swamp and they ate him so I think… (Snake's Brain: Must…end…with…brilliant…logical deduction.) They're related to the white-rump vulture. (Snake's Brain: Score!)
Paramedic: ……Fishes aren't related to birds at all.
Snake: …oh. (Snake's Brain: Crap.)
Paramedic: But anyway, I think I know what that fish is, even though I have no idea how it ended up in a swamp of all places.
Snake: What is it?
Paramedic: It's a…
Snake: Wait, hold on a minute.
Paramedic: Huh?
Russian Soldier no 1: (Notices Snake who is on the opposite side of the swamp.) There he is! Get him! (A/N: Just pretend this is Russian. The whole real Russian thing was getting old. Plus, I think my translator was whacked.)
Snake: Come and get me you stupid moron!. (Pulls down his pants and moons the Soldier.)
Russian Soldier no 2: He's mocking us! The American Bastard must die!
Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1: Charge!
(Russian Soldier no 1, Russian Soldier no 2, and Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1 start swimming across the swamp.)
Snake: Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun DUN DUN! Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun…
Russian Soldier no 1: What the hell is he sayi… ARGH!!!!! SOMETHING'S GOT MY LEGS!!!!!! (Gets pulled under.)
Russian Soldier no 2: What the fuc-ARGH!!!! (Gets pulled under)
Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1: (Panics and tries to swim back) Mein Gott! (Gets pulled under.)
(A moment passes, and then all three Soldiers suddenly resurface and are each pulled across the water for a few minutes.)
Snake: This is almost serene.
Russian Soldier no 1: ARGHH!!!!!!!!!! (Gets pulled under again.)
Russian Soldier no 2: ARGHH!!!!!!!!!! (Gets pulled under again.)
Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1 but if you want to be even fussier, he was born in Germany but raised in France all his life until he came to Russia to become a Soldier so if you want to be technical he's German-born France-Raised Came-to-Russia-to-became-soldier Soldier no1: Sacre Bleu! (Gets pulled under again.)
(Three separate pools of blood appear signifying the show is over.)
Snake: Well that was fun, you were saying.
Paramedic: …Uh right. Those fishes are great white sharks.
Snake: Great White What?
Paramedic: Great White Sharks, They're one of the largest fishes in the world. They're also carnivorous. But the real question is, what are they doing all the way out in Russia?
Snake: Maybe they migrated. You know like birds do when it gets colder
Paramedic: I don't think so Snake.
Snake: So, how do they taste?
Paramedic: …You're actually planning to try to kill one?
Snake: Yeah.
Paramedic: Even after seeing what they did to those Russian Soldiers?
Snake: Yeah.
Paramedic: And you actually think you can do it?
Snake: I think I got a good shot, yeah.
Paramedic; Snake, these are nature's killer machine.
Snake: That's interesting.
Paramedic: Ugh! I give up!
Snake: ……
Paramedic: …I hear the fins are good eating.
Snake: Great! Thanks Paramedic! (Signs off.)
Paramedic: Unbelievable…
15 Minutes later…
Snake: Ugh…Paramedic…
Paramedic: So Snake, how are you?
Snake: not…so good…
Paramedic: I'll say, you look like hell. Let me guess, you got into the water and tried to kill and eat them but you ended up almost being eaten yourself and only managed to escape with serious injuries. Am I right?
Snake: Actually…I killed and ate them all…pretty tasty by the way, without…a scratch.
Paramedic: WHAT? Then what the hell happened to you?
Snake: Apparently…Horses…weren't…the only thing…the Boss…Imported…to Russia…
FLASHBACK
The Boss: WHAT (Breaks his jaw.) THE (pokes his eyes) FUCK (Shatters his spine.) IS (Pinches his nipples.) WRONG (pulls his hair.) WITH (Knees his groin…again.) YOU!!!! (Throws him into the Swamp.)
Snake: Ohhh…(It starts raining and Snake looks up into the Sky and sees the Sorrow laughing so hard, blood starts coming out of his eyes.)
The Boss: I'm not done with you yet! (Starts swimming towards him.)
Snake: Shit…
END FLASHBACKParamedic: Whoa, so what happened next?
Snake: An Indian Gavial…pulled me away from the Boss… and tried to eat me.
Paramedic: Lucky break, huh?
Snake: Very…lucky…I don't know what…might had happened…if the Boss had gotten to me…again… she crushed my balls again…
Paramedic; Ouch, need help?
Snake: I think…I can manage…it's not as bad…as the last time…
Paramedic: You know… I think there's a lesson to learn from this whole thing.
Snake: What?
Paramedic: If something is where it's not supposed to be, don't eat it.
Snake: …What…kind of…screwed-up lesson is…that?
Paramedic: One you would do well to remember, Snake.
Snake: Urgh…
Paramedic: …Hey Snake, have you ever seen the movie "Jaws"?
Snake: no…
Paramedic: Well, me neither, it hasn't even been released yet. Toodles. (Signs off)
End Chapter
A/N: Bear with me please if I take a long time to post. I'm not a writer and I'm only human. Thanks for your support. Great white Sharks aren't normally very aggressive by the way. So don't get the wrong idea of them. They 're my favorite animals next to giant tortoise and Lungfish.
