EDITED- To anybody who noticed, I had to take off this chapter briefly to change something. 's document manager was really screwy and it totally ruined an aspect of this chapter. Sorry about the delay.

Fucking hell, my fucking school term fucking started and it's been fucking taking up most of my fucking time (Note my cursing to show the full extent of my anger). Anyway, sorry that this was taking so long. I had writer's block (and see fucking above). I planned to write a new chapter a few days ago, but I caught a fever and spent the 2 days or so writhing and frothing in pain. Well I'm back (for now), so I'll try to promise you updates even if they may not be as quick.

First off, I like to thanks my readers for their support and for some of their "interesting" selection of entrées for Snake. DarkFusion especially for his Bigfoot idea (got those gears running) might write about that in future. Thank you all.

Second off, …I don't think there's anything else. On to the story! (If you can call it that.)

Chapter 8: M-GAH!!!!!!! (Gets beaten up by angry Konami lawyers.)

Disclaimer: (Nursing a bruise) I don't own metal gear solid, so piss off already.

A/N:If this looks like I'm just delaying the story, it may be, or it may not be, who know? Oh look! My word count is over a 100! Kuwabara, Kuwabara…(Several anonymous reviewers throw stones at the author.) Fine I'll stop screwing around. (By the way, I'm including what might be a spoiler (it's true, Hideo Kojima confirmed.) about Ocelot. It's just that for Humor's sake so hope nobody minds.)

Also adding something new.

(underlined words)- Character's thoughts. (Probably won't be used often, will have to see)

Chapter 8: Monkeys

Snake: Colonel.

Campbell: Ah Snake! How goes the Monkey Catching?

Snake: Yeah about that, listen, could you put Paramedic on?

Campbell: What? Why? She's not necessary for the mission.

Snake: Could you just do it?

Campbell: Fine, but this better not interfere with your objectives.

A couple of "I need Scissors! 69!" and a "Time for your meds, Colonel." later…

Paramedic: You called Snake?

Snake: Yeah, well the thing is I've been doing this monkey-catching business for about 5 hours now.

Paramedic: So?

Snake: And I'm getting hungry.

Paramedic: And? (This isn't going to end well…)

Snake: And there's nothing t…hold on a second (One "GOTCHA!" later) anyway, there's nothing to eat.

Paramedic: Yes?( I can see where this is going.)

Snake; Well, except for the…

Paramedic: Let me guess, the monkeys, and you want to know how they taste. (What else could there be?)

Snake: Whoa, since when could you read minds?

Paramedic: I can't, it's just pretty obvious. Besides, you can't read what isn't there.

Snake: Hey! I resent that!()

Paramedic: You were saying?

Snake: Oh yeah right. So, how do they taste? I mean I've seen other monkeys before, and these apes don't look at all like them.

Paramedic: That's because they've been genetically altered in a lab Snake.

Snake: What?

Paramedic: (Sighs…) Do you really think you should go around eating these monkeys when you should be catching them for the Colonel?

Snake: Well, I've already caught a couple hundred or so. I figured they could stand to lose a monkey or two.

Paramedic: That's not the point Snake.

Snake; Come on Paramedic, There nothing else and my Stamina's getting low. I can't complete a mission on an empty stamina bar can I?

Paramedic: Well technically you could, it's just that the screen gets really dark and you don't move as well and your aim gets all screwy…

Snake: See what I mean?

Paramedic: Well, don't you have those Russian rations?

Snake instinctively throws them off the cliff; they fall rapidly towards a river and hit Ocelot on the head while he was skinny-dipping causing him to get knocked out and allowing him to see the Sorrow. They have a long Father-Son talk before the Sorrow kills his own Son (gasp!) allowing him to wake up in the real world (dude…) but unfortunately, not in time to prevent himself from drowning, therefore causing him to die, thereby creating a Time Paradox! Which means I should just stop writing here. (Readers: Booo!!!) Fine! The Rations fall and hit a couple of Indian gavials that just happened to be resting. They die in vain, no time paradoxes are created, and the story goes on. (Readers: Yay!)

Snake: Nope, I wasn't given anything.

Paramedic: Isn't there anything at all?

Snake: No. (Well, there is all this tree bark, green leaves, tree frogs, gray rats, European rabbits, giant reticulated pythons, those really big juicy fruits that hanging off just about every tree and that "ALL YOU CAN EAT AND EAT AND EAT FOR FREE!" buffet restaurant that's a couple of blocks off from here. But damn, I'm not that desperate yet!)

Paramedic: Fine! Fine! Eat a monkey or two! Just don't tell the Colonel.

Snake: So are they edible?

Paramedic: Don't know. But hey, you ate a Stonefish before and pulled through. A couple of mutant monkeys can't be that bad. (Only one way to find out.)

Snake: Yeah.

Paramedic: Anything else?

Snake: Nope.

Paramedic: If you say so.( I have a very very bad feeling about this…) (Signs off)

Snake: (Equips his monkey shaker (puts you in a monkey-catching mood!) and spies a lone monkey in the bushes. He shoots it, paralyzing it, and approaches the now immobilized ape.)

Of course, the mutant monkey (Let's just call him Al, so you'll grow more attached to him) with his genetically enhanced brain already knew what was going to happen to him. He was returning to the lab. But hey, that wasn't so bad. Al was getting tired of the jungle life anywhere. A life of free food, comfy bedding, and carefree days of fun were soon awaiting him. Besides, he could always escape again if he grew tired of the lab. So hey, it wasn't really all that bad for Al…

WARNING!!! A PARAGRAPH OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AWAITS!!!!!!!!!!! But if you've read this far, you probably wouldn't care any less.

But that wasn't happening. And Al could only in horror as the hairless ape move closer to him. Mouth ajar, a crazed, hungered look in its eyes. The effects of the shot still firmly in place. Al was powerless to do anything, not even to scream as the hairless ape bit through his arm, tearing through fur, flesh and meat. Before moving on to his other arm, then his legs, chest, neck. Until all that was left of Al was his funky metal helmet smeared with his blood, and that was mainly because Snake couldn't eat it. The last thing that Al saw was the hideously grotesque mouth (think Jaws) heading towards his eyeballs before all…went…dark.

A/N: I personally do not condone eating or torturing monkeys or for that matter any animal. If I hear any of you readers doing this. I'll personally come over there and slap you silly. Right before I eat your face of course, because tenderizing really makes all the difference.

Snake: Mmmm…tasty. (Turns and stares at the remaining monkeys who are now shaking…trembling…VIBRATING WITH FEAR AT SEEING ONE OF THEIR OWN KIND VICIOUSLY DEVOURED!) Still hungry…

Meanwhile…

Paramedic: What's wrong Colonel?

Campbell: I have this really bad feeling…

Paramedic: The worst is behind you Colonel, those Hemorrhoids aren't going to bother you anymore.

Campbell: No it's not that, I'm just not sure that Snake was the right man for the job. Maybe I should have gotten Gab, or Sam.

Paramedic: Oh I'm sure Snake is doing fine.

Colonel: Really?

Paramedic: Yep, just… fine. (Who am I kidding?)

At the same time…

Monkeys: OO!!!! OOO!!!!!! AH!!!!! AH!!!! AH!!!! (Are running off in random directions)

Snake: Run run run little monkeys, because I'm gonna…EATCHA!!! (Runs off after them)

END

Total number of monkeys: 1000

Number of monkeys captured: 246

Number of monkeys eaten: 174

Number of monkeys who went back willingly to the lab: 580

Number of monkeys refused entry due to the lab being overloaded: 80

Number of monkeys who committed suicide: 80

Number of monkeys named Al: 1