There are two ways I play my Video games. Seriously, and non-seriously.

Take my latest addiction, Resident Evil 4. The beginning of Chapter 5-1 (For those who play, you know it's rather difficult, for those who don't, you basically fight a bunch of mutated commandos. With one doing a Vulcan Raven impression with a gatling gun.) I play through it non-seriously first, just to get a feel of the environment and the enemies. I end up using half my shotgun shells (I had about a 100), all my magnum rounds (About 20 in all, used most on that fucking mutated gatling gun commando) and the only health item I had left was a green herb. Needless to say, I figured I couldn't advance with such a pathetic supply of ammo and health items. So I quit.

Right the next day, I decide to play through it seriously (Meaning I intend to save my progress at the next save spot.). I got through that very same spot using only 4 shotgun shells, a magnum round and my trusty knife. All without losing health. (It took me half an hour, but I actually managed to knife that pig (Mr.Gatling Gun) to death). All this, on a school night at one in the morning(When I said right the next day, I literally meant it) when I still had a test to study for and tons of Homework to complete.

Moral of the story: Resident Evil 4 is addicting. That, and I am an idiot with no social skills. BLAB! BLAB BLAB! BLAB! BLAB!

A/N: Just as a precaution, I'm rating this chapter R, due to excessive mentioning of a certain "male organ".

Disclaimer: BLAB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB BLAB BLAB! I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

Chapter 11: Saltwater Crocodile

Snake: Paramedic, I see a Crocodile. But I don't think it's an Indian Gavial. Looks too big to be one.

Paramedic: That's a Saltwater Crocodile Snake. The saltwater crocodile, along with the gavial, is the largest of the living crocodilians, with reported lengths of up to 6–7m. Noted for its large size and fierce disposition, the saltwater crocodile has a reputation as a man-eater.

Snake: Hmm…

Paramedic: Having second thoughts? This IS a very dangerous animal.

Snake: No, I was just thinking…those white-rump vultures ate humans. And those were pretty tasty. Think this Croc would taste good?

Paramedic: Ugh! Gross! Do what you want, I give up!

Snake: I mean, you think it's a trend? Maybe I should start keeping those Russian Corpses to feed to the wildlife. Kinda like Seasoning before the mea…

Paramedic: ENOUGH! JUST EAT THE DAMN CROC! (Signs off)

Snake: Boy she's cranky today. (Puts on his Indian Gavial Hat and dives into the water) Come to papa you tasty morsel…

A couple dozen meters from where Snake is…

(Two men are currently walking through the jungle; one is wearing a pair of brown trousers, a modest white singlet and holding a camera. The other is dressed in what seems to be Khaki shorts and a brown shirt.)

Unknown 1: You done with that camera yet mate?

Unknown 2: For the last time, I am NOT your "mate". And give me another minute. Damn, these mosquitoes are nasty… (Takes out a can of insect repellent and starts spraying it in the air)

Unknown 1: Oh come on now mate! Mosquito bites build character! And hurry up with that Camera will ya?

Unknown 2: (Under his breath) Stupid Aussie bastard…Okay it's done. (Signals for Unknown 1 to get into position and points the Camera at him) Filming in 5…4…3…2…1…

Unknown 1: HELLO MATES! I'm Steven Irwin and you're watching the television premiere of COCK HUNTER! The show that aims to find the largest DICK on the face of the earth! This first episode takes us to GLORIOUS Russia! Home to the famous saltwater crocodiles! Which have an estimated dick length of 24 INCHES! You heard me ladies. 24 INCHES! CRIKEY! THAT 8 TIMES BIGGER THEN MY OWN!

A/N: Saltwater Crocodiles don't live in Russia, and they don't have 24-inch dicks. At least I don't think so. The closest I ever got to researching on them was typing "Crocodile Cock" on Google and clicking "I'm feeling lucky". Needless to say, the results were less then Stellar, and more then a fair bit disturbing. (Tongue teaser! Try saying "Croc cock" more then ten times without stumbling.)

Cameraman: 5 minutes in…

Steven Irwin: That's right folks! 24 inches! And you'll be the first to see it here on COCK HUNTER! Follow me.

(They walk through the jungle for a little while more before finally reaching the swamp.)

Cameraman: 10 minutes in…

Steven Irwin: (Spots the Saltwater Crocodile) THERE'S the beauty right there! The Saltwater crocodile in all its glory! It's lower body is still submerged so we can't see it's penis ye-(suddenly rolls over once) DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT? WOOO! That whopper's gotta be at LEAST 27 inches long! CRIKEY! Are you getting all this?

Cameraman: Unfortunately, yes. 15 minutes in…

Steven Irwin: Keep rolling. Crikey mate! That was magnificent! I'm still awe-struck! Let's stick around and see if it does it again folks!

Cameraman: (Suddenly spots another Crocodile swimming slowly towards the Saltwater crocodile) What's that?

Steven Irwin: Wow! Look what we got here folks! An Indian Gavial! While not as impressive as the Saltwater Crocodile, theirs can still grow to the sizable length of 16 Inches! Notice the Coloration of the skin on its head folks? It's definitely male by the looks of it. Let's stick around and see if we can try to get a glimpse of its…

Cameraman: Hey, what's it doing? (Suddenly, the "Indian Gavial" rushes towards the saltwater crocodile and they get into a mad struggle.) WHAT THE FUCK?

Steven Irwin: HOLLLYYYYY CRAP! THEY ARE MATING! ARE YOU GETTING ALL THESE? CRIKEY! THEY'RE MATING! LOOKS LIKE WE GOT OURSELVES A PAIR OF HOMOSEXUAL CROCODILES HERE FOLKS! (Blood starts appearing in the water) Aww, look folks! They're playing it rough.

Cameraman: No they're not! That Smaller one's eating the bigger one!

Steven Irwin: THAT'S what it may look like to an amateur. But if you look closely folks, you'll see it's just very aggressive sexual forepla…

Cameraman: I'm fucking serious man! That Gavial is eating the saltwater crocodile! Look!

Steven Irwin: (Stares) crikey, you're right! That Indian Gavial is actually EATING that Saltwater Crocodile! Dick and all!

(The Saltwater crocodile is quickly devoured as Snake makes short work of eating it alive and whole. Soon, nothing is left of it.)

Cameraman: Look! It's coming on shore! (The "Indian Gavial" gradually surfaces and proceeds to the dry land.)

Snake: (Exhausted but clearly full) Mmm…tasty. (Spots Steven Irwin and the Cameraman) Shit, enemies! (Pulls out his M9)

Cameraman: Hey! You're not a real Crocodile!

Steven Irwin of course, does not notice this first. Years of being a Social outcast and a complete half-wit with only an extremely weird interest to look forward too have taken its toll on poor Steven's Social skills. So he does what's only natural to him. He stares at Snake's "snake".

Snake: (Notices this) What the fuck are you staring at?

Steven Irwin: Wooo…that's not very long at all mate.

Snake: (Enraged) DIE! (Takes out his survival knife and throw it directly at Steven. It's hit him dead-on in his skull)

Steven: Crikey…(Dies)

Cameraman: AHHH! (Drops his Camera and runs off into the Jungle)

Snake: I'm not done with…you…yet (Attempts to run but is too tired.) Ah, screw it. I'm beat.

(That Cameraman would later spend a month wandering in the Jungles of Russian before being airlifted back to safety in America. He would be the one to tell Teresa Irwin, wife of Steven Irwin, Pregnant with his child, Steve Irwin, the sad news. A decade later, the child would grow up and inquire about what was it that his father was researching that was so important that he died for it. The Cameraman, not wanting to tell the poor boy the sad, pathetic truth simple uttered a single word "Crocs." Inspired by this knowledge. Steve grew up with a fascination towards Crocodiles and it eventually led him to make a career out of it eventually having his own Television show. The Cameraman himself, whose name was Mike Burnett, would later relate the harrowing experience of his month in Russia to his son Mark. This would eventually inspired Mark himself to create the first show of its kind "Survivor". And with it would follow a host of crappy reality TV. But I'm afraid that another story for another time so let's get back to this one.)

Snake: (Calls Paramedic) Paramedic.

Paramedic: So you ate it huh?

Snake: Yep, all of it. And there was this Russian Soldier that really pissed me off.

Paramedic: Really? What'd he do?

Snake: Make fun of my dick.

Paramedic: NO! Really? (Starts giggling madly)

Snake: It's not funny.

Paramedic: It is from this point of view. (Still giggling)

Snake: Seriously quit it.

Paramedic: okay, okay. Still that was pretty funny.

Snake: I guess…

Paramedic: …Snake?

Snake: What?

Paramedic: Just out of Curiosity, how long is your…

Snake: Oh, will you look at the time. Got to go Paramedic. Nice chatting with you. (Quickly signs off)

Paramedic: Hey! Spoilsport…

END

A/N: Well that was pretty exhausting to write. I'd like to take this opportunity to thanks all my readers for reading and reviewing "Just eat it". When I began this story last year. I honestly didn't expect to write this much (Nor get this many reviews.). But I am happy that people find enjoyment in reading this. And I like to thank some of the readers who have contributed their own ideas. They really help when I'm having serious writer's block,keep them coming. I appreciate it. Before I end this all with a final note. I would like to give you a word from our sponsors. " BLAB! BLAB! BLAB BLAB BLAB! BALB! BALB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB BLAB BLAB BLAB BLAB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB!" I must admit, I did that to increase my word count and hit the 10000 word mark. Still, love you readers. Tune in for the next chapter. For now please Read and review.