Order 22: Border Break

By: SleepyNinja

Disclaimer: Don't own Hellsing and not making a dime. I'm not even making any pennies off of this whatsoever. The entire idea goes out to the creator of the show itself, not me.

A/N: Review. Seriously. I'm not kidding around.

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"They don't look like much." Jack said to himself quietly as he looked at Seras's wires. He picked them up from their resting place on the nightstand. He pulled on the strings lightly. "Is this piano wire?" He gave it a sharp tug. It remained intact. His nose detected the scent of blood. His hands were bleeding along the wire. "Guess not…" An interesting weapon to say the least. "And how do you even work this thing?"

He turned around to look for Seras. How she could wrap a wire around his neck was probably a good thing to know. Was she gone again? Christ where'd she go off to now?

The phone rang. Probably her right now. Jack walked over and picked up the phone. "Hello?" Instead of who he was expecting, he got a young man.

"Hello sir, this is the front desk."

The front desk had someone who could speak English? About time. "Yes?"

"There's a message for you at the front desk."

Who'd be sending them a message? Who knew that they were here? Jack's paranoia was starting to set into place with each question that ran through his mind. "I'm on my way down." Jack placed the receiver back on the cradle- the questions didn't cease to alarm him. He slipped on a pair of shoes and headed out of the door. The message was obviously not from Iscariot. They would have just barged in shooting and cleaned everything up later.

He glanced at a few of the doors as he passed. If it was Iscariot, they would probably have the two rooms at the end of the hall by the elevator, where he was headed, and the other end of the hallway which went into toward larger space that lead to other rooms and then to a stairwell. Jack reached the end of the hallway and glanced around before he quickly pressed the down button next to the big elevator doors that were made from reinforced steel. He looked at the rooms on his sides, if anything was going to happen, it would probably happen now.

He listened as the elevator gears whirled and clicked before he heard the soft ding and the elevator doors slid open. Inside, he was surprised to see Seras hugging a pint of ice cream against her chest with one hand and a spoon in the other.

"So there's where you went." Jack grinned.

Seras smirked as she stepped out of the elevator. "A girl's entitled to ice cream every once in a while isn't she?"

"Think you're going to share?" Jack stuck his arm against the elevator doors to keep them from closing.

She looked at the pint in her hand then turned to her side glaring at him playfully. "Well," she said looking at it slyly, "it is strawberry. And strawberry is my favorite…"

"Guess not huh?"

"Well, I might just let you lick the lid."

Jack stepped into the elevator and chuckled. "You go enjoy you're ice cream, I'll be right back."

"Oh, don't worry, I will," she said as the door closed.

Jack press the button for the lobby and the elevator started moving shortly after. Would they cut the elevator line? He listened closely for any noise, but the hum of the elevators gears and wires were soothing, but sure decent was uninterrupted by any unexpected ambushes. The bells dinged and the doors opened as Jack stepped out into the marble lobby. He would have caught the scent of gunpowder immediately and that would indicate the presence of firearms and warned him. But then, when did Iscariot limit themselves to just guns- or anyone else for that matter?

He made his way to the front desk. "Owens, room 511." He said to the young man who was wiping down the top of the polished white marble desk

The employee turned his attention towards Jack. "Ah yes, we spoke on the phone just a moment ago, didn't we? Let me get your message from the back room."

Jack watched him go through a door behind the desk. He remained alert. There was probably a good chance this guy would come out with a silver-spewing AK-47.

The door opened again and the attendant walked out with a white envelope in hand. "This arrived with the mail today for you sir." He extended the hand with the envelope towards Jack. "It's quite odd. There was no return address or postage mark."

Jack took the envelope. "Not as strange as some things." He looked at the envelope. The only thing written on it was "Room 511, Owens, Victoria".

"True, you see lots of odd things behind a desk. I do hope you didn't have a problem communicating with the staff. We've been uncharacteristically understaffed as of late."

"Not a big deal. I know how busy a place like this can get." Jack turned and waved. A wave of relief hit his mind and body allowing his senses to pick up ultra-sensitive sounds as he pressed the button to call the elevator. Maybe, just maybe he was way too paranoid, but he had good reason to be. At least Iscariot hadn't located them yet. I hope. He thought as the doors reopened. And yet, it was rather unusual that they had not considering the circumstances of their situation.

When he returned the room Seras was stretched out on the bed. She hummed happily with a spoon hanging out of her mouth, an almost empty container of strawberry ice cream in one hand, the remote control to the television in the other. She turned her head ever so slightly when she heard the door open. Dropping the remote, she pulled the spoon out of her mouth with her left hand while her right hugged the container closer. "And what would that be?" she said, motioning to the envelope.

"Don't know yet, I haven't opened it. But it does have both our names on it though."

"Well are you gonna stand there or are you going to open it?"

Jack walked over toward the bed and sat down on the edge. He tore open the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "Lets see what this is all about." He unfolded the paper and turned it right side up. "'Return to England ASAP'," Jack read. "And look its signed by the one and only Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing. How nice, she bothered to sign it. Scoot over." Jack swung his legs up and stretched out.

Seras scooted over a bit, keeping what was left of the ice cream held tight to her chest. "Oh well. I suppose it's time to be going back anyway."

"I'm just concerned on how we're going to manage to sneak past Iscariot."

"Stop worrying," she said casually as she got another scoop of ice cream. "We'll be fine."

"You're probably right. Besides, we've evaded them plenty of times before, right?" He stared at the ceiling as Seras nodded in agreement. It was made of that bumpy white stuff. God that bumpy white stuff is ugly. "So, where'd you get the wires?"

"Walter. With you gone I started spending more time with him. He kept giving me private lessons whenever he had free time. You're lucky he taught me how to not cut your head off if I didn't want to." Jack thought back to the park incident and nodded in understanding. Well that certainly is interesting.

"Walter's a good guy."

Seras scrapped at the bottom of the carton with her spoon. "Yeah." She replied absently as she stuck the last of the ice cream into her mouth.

"Any other little surprises I should know about before we get back to London?"

She swallowed the last of the ice cream. "Mmmm. You're legally dead now."

"Oh really?"

"Yup. There was a funeral and everything."

"How'd that work with no body?"

"Oh there was a body, just not yours."

"Lemme guess, cause of death is car exploding in some odd way?"

"Something around that means." She said pretending to observe the stainless steel spoon. "But most of your family showed up, a few of your friends. Everyone looked pretty broken up about it."

"How'd my mom take it?"

"Not all that well."

Jack crossed his arms. "I hate doing this to them."

"Such is the life we live."

"Gimme the lid."

"No."

"You said you'd let me lick the lid."

"I said maybe. You don't need to have any sugar."

"Oh come on."

She turned on her side and stared Jack directly in the eye. She took the lid and showed it to him and he saw the there was a little bit of melted ice cream clinging to it. She extended her tongue and gave it a slow, long, deliberate lick. After she was done she tossed him the lid, clean of whatever may have been on it.

"You really are cruel you know that."

Seras gave a short laugh and kissed him on the forehead. "Only to you."

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Jack shut the trunk and looked at the horizon. The sun would be rising in just four or five hours so it was probably best if they got going. He opened the passenger side door and got inside the car. Seras was already in the driver's seat ready to go.

"I'll drive us to Lyon, and then we'll trade places." She turned the key in the ignition. "Ready?" she asked as she placed a pair of sunglasses on.

"I guess." He opened the glove compartment. His Hellcat rested inside next to his sunglasses. He pulled the latter out and put them on. "Wake me up in a few hours when you're ready to switch." He rested his head against the side window and closed his eyes.

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"Pay attention (CENSORED)!"

Jack shot up into a sitting position. He looked around. Everything was all...pastel? The sun had a smiley face, a body, and nunchucks? Clouds were apparently taking part in the gangland style shooting of random birds flying through the air. In general, everything looked like a bad acid trip.

"Mo' (CENSORED) do you have ears?! Can you not hear the (CENSORED) words coming outta my mouth?"

Jack looked around. Behind him was…Samuel L. Jackson?

"About time Mo' (CENSORED)."

Jack was bewildered. "What's the hell is going on?"

"I'm the Mother (CENSORED) spirit of your Mother (CENSORED) gun Mother (CENSORED)."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Have you seen the size of that (CENSORED) gun? How the Hell would I not be the Mother (CENSORED) spirit of the Mother (CENSORED) gun?"

"Okay, you're the spirit of the gun, but what the hell is this? We can't dream."

"Of coarse not Mother (CENSORED) . It's a vision, completely different."

"Than why am I having a vision?"

"Why not Mo' (CENSORED). You have anything better to do?"

"Not really."

"That's right."

"Soooooo…Now what?"

"You get two questions."

"Two?"

"Didn't you hear what I just said? Clean out ya ears. I said two."

"Okay…" Jack scratched his head. "Let's see…Is Seras still pissed off at me?"

"Of coarse she is Mo' (CENSORED)! You think one day of romantics is gonna make up for the better part of a year? Jesus H. (CENSORED) Christ. What the hell have you been smokin'?"

"Well than how do I make it up to her?"

"Hold on Mo' (CENSORED) you already asked two questions."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did. The first one was "Two?" and the answer was yes."

"Come on, that can't count."

"Yes it does Mo' (CENSORED)."

"Than can I have another question?"

"Yes."

"Then how can I make it up to Seras?"

"You already had your question. It was the question asking for another (CENSORED) question."

"What?"

"One second." Samuel L. Jackson started spinning around at an extreme speed. Wind zipped past him in a tornado. Jack saw a cow and trailer fly by in the wind. Once he stopped it wasn't Samuel L. Jackson anymore. It was Christopher Walken.

"Weren't you just Samuel L. Jackson a minute ago?"

"No. I wasn't."

"But you were there, saying Mo' (CENSORED) every other sentence."

"Listen, now what you may, or may not have seen up to now isn't the point. What is the-"

"Yeah it is. You turned into Christopher Walken."

"Now listen if you interrupt me again, I swear to God I will cut your head off. I'll do it too. I will then place it on a pike, in front of my place of residence. As I feast upon the spoils of war, your body will be rotting on the field of battle. How would you like that?"

"Huh?"

"That's right. It would suck."

"I guess."

"That's because I'm right. Now, you should probably wake up."

"Well before I go, how do I make it up to her?"

"You're still hung up on that? Well, if I must. I recommend Barry White, and hot stone massage."

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"-ck, wake up." Seras shook his shoulder. "I think we're being followed an dit's not tourists."

Jack opened his eyes and quickly shut them again. God it was bright outside. Looking down, he found his sunglasses on his lap. He put them back on and checked the rearview mirror. A black sedan was behind them at a leisurely distance. "We probably are."

She squeezed down on the gear shift. "What do you want me to do?"

Jack looked at the terrain. It was probably close to the border judging from the steep terrain and pine trees. "Let's loose 'em."

Seras shifted the car into third gear and started accelerating. Jack looked behind them; the sedan was actually getting closer. The car shifted up and the gap widened. Jack opened the glove compartment and took out his Hellcat. "Keep driving," he said as he unbuckled his seatbelt and crawled into the backseat. He drifted right as Seras made a made a turn, and watched the car behind them do the same.

"I don't know if we can loose them anytime soon." Seras checked her mirror. "The next turn is about a kilometer ahead and its only two ways."

The popping sound of gunfire started. Jack got down. "Dammit!" Bits of glass fell down onto Jack from the bullet holes in the back windshield" They're shooting at us now!"

"Big surprise."

From his position Jack started kicking the windshield with the toe of his shoe. A few solid kicks to the rims were all it took to dislodge it and send the pane out onto the road. "Did that do anything?"

"No!"

Jack grabbed his gun, got up on his knees, and fired two shots toward the oncoming car. Seras and Jack watched as their engine was destroyed and one of their front tires blew out. The car spun out and slammed into a tree on the side of the road.

"Well that takes care of that." Jack said as he managed to crawl back into the front seat. "Worked out pretty well if yo-"

"Jack. Up ahead." Seras looked down the road. Two large military trucks were blocking the road up ahead. Armed soldiers were motioning for them to stop. "Hold the wheel."

Jack grabbed the wheel and held it steady. "Seras," she said, "What are you doing."

"Is your seatbelt off?" She asked while unbuckling her own.

"Yeah."

"Good." She readied the wires in her hands. "You might want to duck." Wires flew from her hands and cut the top from the rest of the car. The windows fell out and she threw off the top. Jack gulped and watched it crumble when it hit the pavement behind them. Since the windshield had left with the rest of the top the wind blew into both of their faces.

"You're crazy!" Jack shouted.

"Just hold on to your gun!" She retook the wheel and aimed it between the two trucks. The guards started to open fire, bullets riddling the car. Jack braced himself for impact. This was so crazy.

The car smashed into the front ends of both trucks. Jack and Seras were both jettisoned on impact past both vehicles. While Jack flew through the air like a rag doll and hit the ground in the same manner, Seras gained control rather quickly and threw out her wires toward several of the troops that were shooting at them.

When Jack stopped rolling he staggered to his feet, Hellcat still in hand. He watched as Seras, who was still airborne, crossed her arms before her face, and then swung them both out. He watched as several of the soldiers, froze, and then lost their head and turned into…dust? FREAKS? Here? He took aim at group of FREAKS that were still standing and opened fire. Once the magazine was spent he dashed toward the trucks, watching as Seras's wires zigged and zagged through the air at lightning speeds.

A few stragglers opened fire on Jack as he approached. A wire took off the groups heads, save one, who remained determined to hit Jack as he darted back and forth. Jack jumped and grabbed him the collar of his uniform and crushed his head with his elbow.

"That's the last of them," Seras said.

"Why would there be freaks out here?"

"I don't know. Feeding off of passers by maybe?"

"I guess, but why would they be so heavily armed?" Jack noticed that he had a clump of uniform in his hand. He dropped it. He heard metal. He picked it up again and tossed the fabric aside.

"Seras…what do you make of this?" He outstretched his hand with the chain firmly in his fingertips. The metallic pendant dangled in the air.

Seras took a glance at it. "A swastika? What the hell?" The symbol spun slowly and glinted in the sunlight.

"I know."

"Hang onto it. We'll have Walter look at it or something."

"Alright," he placed it in his pocket. "But how are we getting out of here? The BMW's trashed."

"Get the stuff out of the car. We'll just take a truck."

"But neither of us knows how to drive one of those things."

"Should be an interesting drive then shouldn't it?"

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PREVIEW:

Jack: Reading "Hot Stone Massage for Dummies" and taking notes

Seras: Eh?

Christopher Walken: The man knows what he's doing.

Samuel L. Jackson: That's right Mo' (CENSORED).

Seras: Why do these people keep finding me?

Order # 23: Arrangements

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A/N: The last chapter was Track 11 on OST 2. Congradulations to Seika Hellsing, and Megami Ryuuzaki. You two get a gold star.

A/N: Christopher Walken is the man. The segment is hilarious to me, but I may just be a little crazy. Also, hot stone massage. It's just funny.

A/N: There's some violence to try to make up for the last chapters utter lack of things falling down.

A/N: Since you've all been such good boys and girls this year I'm gonna give you a Christmas present. Watch for the next update either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

A/N: Props to the editor.

A/N: Nasty little spelling will be crushed immediately after I take a nap.