Whee! I'm Back. I was having a bout of writer's Block and couldn't churn out any good ideas. Also to Minion V2, I was actually contemplating making Snake eat Raikov at one point, but I decided against it at the last minute having managed to convince myself that it was just the morphine talking. Still I like your ideas, I'm considering using them for something BIG (Think REAL BIG, I mean font size 72 and in showcard Gothic format just for Kicks type of big.) in the future. That is, if I can get the Creative juices flowing. Get the Vaseline.
I like to thank all my faithful reviewers for continuing to stick with this story. Seriously, you guys are great. Special thanks also to Megami Chaos for making me realize that I'm a review whore. I can't get enough of those reviews. So let's make this the chapter that breaks the 100 mark shall we?
It's also occurred to me that with the vast amount of assorted food in the world. I probably won't be able to cover them all. So here's a quickie on some things I'm making Snake eat and his opinion about it.
First on the list…Irish Meatballs!
Snake: Tasty
Cheeseburger!
Snake: Tasty
French Toast!
Snake: Tasty.
Raw Salmon!
Snake: Tasty
Curly-fries!
Snake: Tasty
Day-old Bread!
Snake: Tasty
Spoilt Milk!
Snake: Tasty
Cyanide!
Snake: GAHH! (Dies)
Oh no! Revival Pill!
Snake (Revives)…Actually, that Cyanide was pretty…tasty.
Moving on…
Disclaimer: It's a good thing I got off those drugs in time. Or I'd have told you I own Metal Gear Solid. Which I don't, of course. I do own the title deeds to the Eiffel Tower and half of Hawaii though. So that counts for something I guess.
Chapter 13: Owl
Snake: Paramedic, I'm feeling kinda itchy…
Paramedic: Itchy? Where?
Snake: On my chest.
Paramedic: Well, I don't think it's anything serious. Some Ointment on the affected area should do the trick.
Snake: Thanks.
Paramedic: So how'd you get it anyway? Poison ivy?
Snake: I don't think so.
Paramedic: Could be food poisoning. Eat anything strange recently?
Snake: Umm…
Paramedic: Wait, stupid question. Sorry.
Snake: Actually, it could be when that scrawny kid and his friends fired this green light at me.
Paramedic: Who?
Snake: 4 Teenagers. 2 guys and girls. British I think. They were using these little sticks that fired green light. I think they were flares, can you believe it? Those punks were trying to attack me with Flares. How stupid is that?
Paramedic: Wow, were they soldiers?
Snake: No, I don't think so.
Paramedic: Then why were they attacking you?
Snake: I ate their owl.
Paramedic: …What?
Snake: Their Owl, white and pretty tasty actually.
Paramedic: …Snake, maybe you should start from the beginning. I'm not following.
Snake: It was about 3 hours ago…
Flashback(Snake is wandering around once again in a jungle with an unpronounceable name. He is currently out of food, save for an almost infinite supply of Russian Rations and a spoilt vampire bat, and losing stamina.)
Snake: So hungry… (Checks his backpack once again for any food he might have missed. The large stack of Russian rations and rapidly rotting vampire bat stare back solemnly at him.)
Snake: This is bad, that bat's actually starting to look appetizing, have to find food fast…but where?
Unknown 1: Blimey! Where are we?
Unknown 2: We appear to be in some sort of Jungle.
Snake: What was that? (Follows the direction of the voices and secretly enters a clearing.)
In the Clearing…
Ron: I bloody well know that! I mean where the HELL are we?
Hermione: Don't you shout at me Ronald Weasley! It's not like it's my fault that we're in this mess!
Ron: Well YOU were the one that suggested using the time-turner to play "Spin the bottle"!
Hermione: Don't you pin this on me! You were the one that even suggested that stupid game in the first place!
Ron: Well, you went along with it!
Hermione: Well you…
Harry: Whoa, calm down guys. Arguing won't get us anywhere.
Ginny: Harry's right Herm. And Ron,shut up.
Hermione/Ron: …Fine.
Harry: Well, first things first. We need to figure out where we are.
Hermione: I can tell you WHEN we are. In the past. In the 1960s-1970s, that much I'm certain. Of course, with the way Ron was spinning the time turner, I'm surprise we haven't ended up in the stone ages.
Ron: (grumbling) Well where are we then?
Hermione: That, I'm not so sure about. That time-turner went a bit crazy when it was spinning so I'm not sure where it sent us to.
Ginny: Can't we just turn it back and return to the present?
Hermione: Well we could… but the problem is, the time-turner's not used to sending people so far back in time. Its magical power is exhausted. We have to wait for it to recharge.
Harry: And how long would that be?
Hermione: An hour give or take.
Ron: (Sits down) Great, just bloody great…
Ginny: So what do we do now Harry?
Harry: Well, at this point we don't know where we are. This could be dangerous territory. I think we should stay here until the time-turner recharges. This area seems safe enough.
Hermione: (Sits down) Good idea Harry.
Ginny: (Sits down) well, I guess we're stuck here for now.
Harry: (Sits down) Yeah.
Ron: Brilliant…
Harry: Oh comes on now Ron. It's not all that bad. We can use this time to talk. Merlin knows with the N.E.W.T.S coming up, we hardly have any free time to ourselves to chat.
Hermione: That's true I suppose.
Ron: I guess.
Harry: And besides, Hedwig here seems to be enjoying herself.
Hedwig: (perched on Harry's Shoulder) Hoot!
Meanwhile…
Hedwig: Hoot!
Snake: (Is hidden among some bushes) That bird…(As Snakes continues staring, a thought slowly circulates in his brain)
Bird—Big—White—White Rump Vulture—Tasty
Snake: Food…(Takes out his M9, aims, and fires.)
Harry: So I was telling Malfoy, Bugger off! Or I'll pu-(The Dart Connects, hitting Hedwig in the head. She falls forward on to Harry's Lap.) OH MY GOD! HEDWIG'S DEAD! HEDWIG'S DEAD!
Hermione: Harry calm down! (Walks over to Harry and inspects Hedwig) It's okay she's just asleep. (Pulls out the dart.) Someone shot her with this.
Ron: Blimey! That's big!
Ginny: Oh god… Harry was right! This place IS dangerous!
Harry: Who could have shot this?
Snake: Food…(Rises out of the bushes and proceeds to walk towards them in a slow, almost zombie-like manner)
(The 4 Hogwarts students stand up Harry too which causes Hedwig to drop from his lap and onto the ground, still peacefully asleep.)
Harry: (Cautiously) who are you?
Snake: Food… (Is slowly approaching them)
Ron: Oh crap! It's a zombie! (Takes out his wand and points it at Snake) I've read about them in those Muggle Books! They eat human brains!
Ginny: (Shivering) B..B-Brains? (Takes out her wand and points it at Snake too) Keep away!
Hermione: Harry look! (Points to the gun in Snake's Hand) I think he's the one who shot Hedwig!
Harry: What! (Takes out his wand and aims it at Snake who is still working towards them.) You! Stay back!
Snake: Hungry…bird…tasty…
Hermione: What is he- oh god…Harry! I think he wants to eat Hedwig!
Harry: (Turns back to Hermione) WHAT! (Turns back to Snake) I'm warning you! Don't move!
Snake: (Oblivious) Food…(Is still advancing towards them)
Harry: LAST WARNING! Okay guys! On three! Stupefy! Three! Two! One!
All (except Snake Of course.): STUPEFY!
(The combined spell hits Snake, he falters for a second and continues approaching them)
Ron: WHAT THE HELL!
Harry: Again!
All: STUPEFY!
Snake: Food…
Harry: Again!
All: STUPEFY!
Snake: Food…
Harry: AGAIN!
All: STUPEFY!
Snake: Food… (The spells hit to no avail, continues walking towards them in an almost sluggish comical manner)
Hermione: Harry! It's not working what do we do?
Harry: …Guys, on three again. This time…Avada Kedrava.
Ginny: Avada Kedrava!
Ron: Blimey! Harry, we can't use that. It's an unforgivable! We'll go to Azkaban for sure!
Hermione: He's right Harry!
Harry: Well, at this point, I don't care! Hedwig's in danger! Besides, no one will know except us. Please! He's getting closer!
Hermione: …All right, Harry. But just this once!
Ron/Ginny: (nod their heads.)
Harry: Thanks guys…Okay! THREE! TWO! ONE!
All: AVADA KEDRAVA!
(The sinister green light(at least that's what I think it is, haven't read Harry Potter in a while) Shoots out from all four of their wands and strikes Snake in the chest)
Snake: (Stumbles back a step and stops)…
Harry: ……..
Hermione:……..
Ginny:………
Ron: ……..Did it work?
Snake: (Stays still for a few seconds, before scratching his chest and moving forward again) Food…
Ron: HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING!
Snake: (Lunges towards Hedwig who is still sleeping on the ground) Food! (Proceeds to start eating her)
Harry: HEDWIG! OH GOD! NO! (Attempts to save her but is held back by Ginny and Ron)
Ginny: Harry no! He's too strong!
Ron: Harry, you can't save her! Let's get the hell out of here!
Harry: LET ME GO DAMN YOU! HE'S EATING HEDWIG!
Hermione: GUYS! (Is holding up the time-turner) It's working again!
Ron: Great! Let's get out of here!
(Ron and Ginny Drag Harry back towards Hermione)
Hermione: Ready? Now!
(Ron and Ginny (Still restraining Harry) Grab Hermione's Hand as she turns the time-turner. They disappear as it brings them back to thew future. Meanwhile, Snake has just finish eating Hedwig)
Snake: …Now, that was tasty.
END FLASHBACKSnake: And that's what happened.
Paramedic:…
Snake: You don't believe me?
Paramedic: Actually, Surprisingly enough, I do. And once again, it never ceases to amaze and disturb me how you get caught up in these situations.
Snake: (Grins) Comes with the Job.
Meanwhile in Hogwarts…
Harry: (Is still extremely pissed off at the fact that a total stranger ate his Owl)…
Ron: …If it makes you feel any better. You can have Pig.
Harry: Fuck off.
The End
A/N: Hope you like this chapter. And remember, no matter how sadistic, it's all in good fun! Enjoy.
