Chapter 5: Finally Free
Drake emerged from the bathroom a little while later. He walked into the bedroom that he shared with Josh. He was relieved that Josh wasn't there. He suddenly wasn't sure about opening himself up to Josh. Drake wasn't entirely sure that Josh would understand his past, what his dad had done to him. Could Josh sympathize with Drake? Probably not. Could Josh offer some comfort and words of wisdom? Absolutely. Josh was very responsible, took things very seriously, and so he had a lot of adult things to add to what Drake had to say. Even though, Drake felt a bit unsure, but he knew that feeling would diminish. But before he had the talk, he needed some clothes. He selected a pair of blue jeans and a pale blue shirt. Drake then brushed his hair and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He studied his features, his cream-colored skin and red hair, it reminded him of his dad. With that horrid look, Drake covered the mirror with his robe. Then, he knew that wasn't the answer. He dropped the robe and took a good hard look at himself and said, with the most intensity he had ever knew, "I'm not my father." And that was right. He was going to talk his feelings out, not hit anyone. He was stronger than that, wiser than that.
Drake sat on the couch and began strumming along on his acoustic guitar, trying to get a good note for the song he had began working on just hours before. After an hour, no such luck but Josh came in.
"Hey brother," he said.
Drake looked up and smiled. "Hey, bro," he replied.
Feeling uneasy, Josh kept his distance and said, "I'm glad you're okay. I was worried."
Drake felt his eyes well up again, his soul touched by his brother's heartfelt concern. "Thanks, man." Drake wiped his tears away and said, "Shoot, I cried so hard today. I didn't know the human body could produce so many tears."
"Sometimes it's good to cry," Josh said.
"Yeah, it is," said Drake, as he put his guitar down. "And talk."
"You wanna talk about your biological dad?" he asked, brightened a bit."
Drake felt uneasy and said, "Yeah, well, you know, if you're not busy."
Josh smiled one of the warmest smiles Drake had ever seen. "I've never too busy for you, brother," saying the word "brother" in his usual goofy manner.
Drake laughed and said, "Dude, you always make me laugh. I didn't laugh a whole lot until you moved in." Drake began to look sad.
Josh shared in that sadness by saying; "Because of what your real dad did to you, right?"
Drake nodded and looked down. Josh could see a tear falling form Drake's face.
Sensing the sadness, Josh moved closer on the couch and placed a warm hand on Drake's shoulder and said, "It's ok, Drake. You can talk to me. I won't say a word to anyone."
Drake looked though his tears and asked, "Promise?"
Josh smiled and said, "Promise."
Feeling that surge of confidence, Drake took a deep breath and wiped his eyes with the tissue that Josh had offered him. "Well, my dad did a lot of bad things to me," he said. "He wasn't the best father by a long shot. He seemed to care more about making money and trying to prove something then, hanging out with me."
Josh frowned and said, "I know. It could be tough when you don't have someone like that in your life."
"I mean, all I wanted to have my dad play with and take care of me," Drake went on. "But he didn't. He never gave a rat's butt about me or my mom or even Megan. He just hit me and hit me until I couldn't feel it anymore. I began numb to his beatings."
"When did he start hitting you?" Josh asked.
"When I was five," Drake answers, feeling the pain of that tragic first day come to him. "I was only five, Josh. I was small for my age and my dad was huge, I mean, he was a telephone pole. Man, he scared me. After that first beating, I would go home feeling so scared. Some kids wanted to get out of school and go home, me, I just wanted out stay a little bit longer. That's why I began slacking off in my schoolwork, so I could go to remedial and get extra help, so I wouldn't have to be home."
Drake took a nearby pillow and held it to him. "But, I couldn't stay in school forever, so I would go home and be scared to death of what my father would do. Sometimes, he would not come home until after I had gone to bed, which was a relief because I could be with my mom and my baby sister and feel safe. But even he came home and it was only him and me, Mom would work late, it would scare me because I wouldn't know what he would do."
"What did he do?" he asked.
Drake sat back in the couch and clutched his pillow tighter. "Sometimes, he would just sit in front of the TV and drink all night, not pay attention to me. I was on my own to make sure I cleaned and ate and did my homework. I never felt so alone in my life and I was only five or six."
"But you had your mom and Megan came along and you probably weren't as lonely anymore," said Josh.
"Yeah, well, that feeling didn't come to often," Drake, admitted. "I spent more time with my dad then with my mom, because my dad insisted that he could handle things. My mom wanted to go back to college but was worried about my dad and what would happen but my dad made it pretty clear that she go to school. SO, she did and I was left with the monster."
Drake bent his head down and felt more tears come down. Josh reached over and held Drake, patting his back and encouraging him to let it all out.
After a while, Drake said, "When my dad would pay attention to me, it was to hit me. If I did the slightest thing wrong, I would get it. The belt, the wooden spoon across my back, if I made him spill his beer. I brought home an 80 on a math test when I was seven and instead of praising me, he gave me a fat lip and called me stupid. One of the worst was when I was eight, I was playing with my toys and I guess I made a lot of noise because my dad came down, roaring mad and gave me a black eye." He traced the outside of his eye and said, "It was so black because my skin is so light, and it hurt so bad, it was intense. At first, he hit me a little bit during the week and then, it became everyday. At first it was just a slap and maybe the belt but then, fists, wooden spoon everything. Nothing would stop him from hurting me."
Josh felt tears of his own form. He looked at his strong, confident stepbrother and was in utter disbelief that he could be the victim of such horrible abuse. "What did your mom say?" asked Josh.
Drake curled up like a pillow and said, "Mom, didn't know what was going on for awhile. I made it a habit to cover my cuts and bruises. I would wear long sleeved shirts and pants to hid them. But my mom, who had a night off of work and school, gave me a bath and saw the bruises on my back after my dad hit me and she just got so furious with him. She yelled at him like I had never heard in my life. 'Don't you dare hurt our son. He's your son, Michael. You lay a hand on him again, I will hurt you.' Then, my dad responded by saying, 'Yeah, you hurt me, I'll hurt you.' And he proceeded to slap my mom and then, came to my room and hit me, cause it was my fault she saw the bruises."
"Drake, if your mom saw that you were getting abused and she was getting abused, why didn't she just leave, if it was that horrible?" he asked.
Drake looked at his brother and said, "Josh, we couldn't. We couldn't leave. My mom was a young mom and we didn't have a lot of money and whatever we did have was in my dad's name. If he knew any money was taken out, he would do anything. And he was a lawyer, so, I mean, he knew a lot of cops and lawyers so if, we did try to leave, we wouldn't get very far."
"When did you finally leave?" asked Josh.
"Well, Megan was born when I was about seven in September," he explained. "For a while our family was peaceful. My dad seemed to not drink as much and seemed a bit caring. He had gotten counseling for his drinking and anger. It seemed that Megan was bringing us together again. My dad even spent time with Megan, sitting on the bed in her nursery and singing songs and me. However, after Thanksgiving, things got really, really bad. My dad felt pressured to care for three people including himself, so he stopped going to therapy and her began drinking and hurting us again. And then, one night in December, he came home late at night, drunker than he ever was and he went on screaming and yelling and he took me and hit me hard, and I must of blacked out. The next thing I knew I was in the emergency room at the local hospital and there was a cop there. My mom told him everything that ever happened. And, my dad was arrested the following morning and while, he was in jail, we packed all the stuff we could and we left Freemont and my dad. My mom had saved enough money and we went to my aunt's house in San Diego. I remember arriving there, I hadn't seen the ocean in a long time, since we sold the house in Catalina and I had forgotten how nice it was. It seemed so peaceful, so calm, something that I wasn't feeling. And UI remember my mom wanting to teach me how to swim, She wanted to put me in swim lessons. Anyway, I was scared of the ocean; it seemed so big, so freaky, like I was with my dad. However, As soon as I got in that water and had my mom holding me up, I didn't feel scared anymore. I felt…free. Freer than I ever felt before. And I knew, right after I got out of the water, that things would be okay. We were going to be okay."
Drake sat down and dropped the couch, which was a metaphor for his feelings. He finally felt free to let out all of the pain and sadness of his past.
Josh took a few minutes to soak in all that Drake had told him and think about it. After a while, Josh came to a conclusion. The Drake that was before him was a vulnerable Drake had been through a nightmare, a painful childhood with an alcoholic, abusive dad. But, the present Drake, this Drake, was a guy who had gone through this painful past and emerged a stronger guy, a happier guy.
The silence was deafening to Drake and he began to feel afraid, like Josh was about to judge him. "Josh, what's up?" he asked, nervously.
Josh looked at him and smiled. "I really admire you, Drake," he said, at last.
Drake felt shocked. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"I mean, look at you, then, you were a scared, little boy, who never thought he would ever feel safe," he said. "Now, I'm looking at you and you are a courageous young man, who came through this horrible past, happy and kind. A lot of people who have been in your position let themselves get bitter and cold. But you didn't. You're a great person."
Drake felt tears come to his eyes, once again. Yes, what Josh said was true. He was happy, kind, and strong. Something that he never thought he could be. Something that he fought long and hard to be. And that's when it hit him. He had left his dad and he had survived without him. He didn't need this mean man, his biological dad, to be the young man he was becoming. He was fine without his dad. That's when he had made his decisions.
"Josh, I'm going to my dad's funeral," he said.
Josh looked at him, shocked. "What?" he asked.
Drake took a breath and said, "I need to go to my dad's funeral. I need to tell him that I turned out all right. I need to tell him that I have survived the cuts and bruises."
With that, Drake walked out to find his mom. It was time to plan his trip to his biological dad's funeral.
