Thirteen – Conspiracy in the Ranks . . .

The walk back to the Heads' Dorms flew right by for James. This was probably because for the entire way back, there was only a single train of thought in his head. It was the following:

Lily doesn't hate me anymore . . . Lily wants to be my friend . . . Lily might possibly like me . . . Lily is at this moment walking next to me, with my arm around her . . . she and I are united in our front against 'Skeeter the scarab' . . . She and I are on the same team . . .

And then they were in front of the gold-rimmed panels of the double door.

"Loopy loo," someone said. (By now the password had travelled around all their small group and rumour had it that a first year knew, but was only telling people for a fee of fifteen galleons. They really must change it soon, James thought.)

Soon after arriving, James went to his dorm to change, Lily went into the bathroom to take a shower and as soon as both doors closed, Remus and Verity turned to each other with mouths as wide as a hippogiff's wing span.

"You saw that, didn't you?" Verity demanded of the boy. "You saw that too, or I am going downright crackers?"

"I saw it, but I don't believe it," Remus said, shaking his head after the two heads.

"Don't believe what?" Sirius said leisurely from where he had flopped down onto the sofa.

"He had his arm around her!" Verity exclaimed, ignoring Sirius. "She was leaning against him! He kissed her face in various places at least three times and she hit him a grand total of never! This doesn't make sense!" Verity was waving her arms around. Remus was worried she was going to start hyperventilating.

"What doesn't make sense?" Sirius asked again, wondering if there was any breakfast to be had. Remus gave him a look and steered Verity towards the sofa.

"Look, sit down before you hurt yourself," he told her, parking her next to Sirius and sitting down on her other side. "What were they like the last time you saw them?"

"Well," Verity said, clasping her hands in her lap, "James was unconscious and Lily was beating all the remaining life out of him because she found out that he'd told Sirius about their little kissing incident over Christmas."

"I see," said Remus, "I can imagine how the scene then and the scene now would feel a little disjointed."

"No, stuff happened after that," Sirius told them, finally working out what they were going on about. "We asked Lilo what exactly she hated about James. Then we left."

"Oh?" asked Remus, "and what did she say?"

"Nothing," Verity told him, shaking her head.

"Yeah, she just sort of . . . stared into space for a minute, like she was listening to Quidditch on the wireless."

Remus made a low humming noise, as if the inner workings of his brain had started to operate at a higher frequency.

"Perhaps," he said, "she couldn't think of anything to say?"

Everyone in the room pondered this statement for a moment.

"That would explain why she didn't say anything," Peter nodded, under the impression that he was actually contributing something useful to the discussion.

"It seems to me," Remus continued, a smile growing on his face, "that our good friend, the Head Girl has had an epiphany."

"A what now?" Sirius asked.

"A wake up call," said Remus in a low voice. Verity's hand flew to her mouth.

"No," she said shrewdly, "You don't think . . . She's not . . . You don't think at last . . ."

"I think so," nodded Remus in the direction of the bathroom. "It would explain why she hasn't killed him in the last two hours."

"Oh, my good green beans!" Verity said, stressing every single word of her exclamation. "This is . . . I don't believe it!" She stood up and jumped up and down a little, eyes wide and hair bristling with excitement. "They're going to get together at last! Lily's going to give him a chance! They'll be so happy! They'll probably get married! Good grief, what am I going to wear to the wedding?"

"James will stop moping every time someone mentions Lily!" Sirius in a voice just as excited as Verity's hair. "Merlin, she'll finally make him happy! Never mind what you're going to wear to the wedding, what am I going to wear to the wedding?"

"Shhhhh!"Remus shushed them both, standing up to shake his hands up and down. Sirius and Verity looked at him as if he were mad not to join in their celebration.

"Look," Remus said, "think about it: if we confront them at the same time, chances are they'll get embarrassed, say they're just friends and deny anything will happen, leading to . . . nothing happening. If we talk to them individually, there's more chance of them telling us what they really feel. So you take her," (he gestured to Verity,) "and we'll take him and report back in the morning, all right?"

Sirius saluted.

"Yes, sir!" he nodded. "Well done, Moony, that's using the ol' noodle."

"Ok, so we have to act natural!" Verity said, whispering for some reason. "We don't say anything about anything. Until we get each of them on their own, act like we haven't noticed a thing, savvy?" She gave an especially long hard look at Peter, who could not even be trusted with the Gryffindor password at the best of times.

They all nodded conspiratorially and sat down, too excited to talk about anything trivial such as the weather or next month's Quidditch match against Slytherin. Every so often Verity would give a little thrilled bounce of happiness or Remus and Sirius would give each other satisfied looks. All four of them jumped when the Head Boy's door opened and James himself stepped out. Smiling at his friends, he crossed the room and gave the bathroom door a light knock.

"Coming! Coming!" came Lily's voice from inside, followed swiftly by her presence, damp haired.

"Unbelievable," she grumbled, "No one's yet been in there and the hot water still runs out."

There was a moment of silence as the five of them looked at each other. Five pairs of eyes flicked about, either expectantly, or elatedly, either waiting for something to be said or itching to say something. It was an odd moment of pure bizarreness.

Peter's little finger began to twitch. Remus coughed.

"So!" exclaimed Sirius, clapping his hands and rubbing them together. "What's this I hear about a prank, then, eh?"


"Could you perhaps tell me," Sirius asked, shivering, "why this is necessary again?"

"Oh, stop complaining, Padfoot," Remus hissed at him, hidden behind the doorway of the Gryffindor changing rooms. "You were the keenest one out of all of us."

"Fair play, I was keen to pull a prank or two," Sirius whispered back, "but could you tell me why in the name of all things magic I am out here in nothing but a pair of trousers when it is only April?"

Sirius wasn't exaggerating. He was indeed standing outside the Gryffindor changing rooms in only his trousers, without any type of shirt on and it was indeed, the end of April. Remus was, as mentioned, out of sight in the doorway of the changing rooms, Lily and Verity were perched on the roof and James was crouching under the shelter of the nearest stretch of the stands. Everyone was waiting.

The object of this exercise was quite obviously: bait.

Logically, if Sirius was prone to being photographed, then sticking him in a Quidditch pitch, partially clothed, was likely to lure the photographer into being caught.

It was genius really, James thought as he peered out from behind the red and gold coloured cloth that adorned the stands.

"Come on, Padfoot!" he hissed, "we haven't got all year!"

Sirius pulled a pained look and took a deep breath. Standing up straighter, he stretched his arms above his head and said in a very loud, deliberate voice:

"Oh, what a marvellous day!Spring is truly here. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the fairies are . . . fairy-ing . . ."

Verity sniggered while Remus's face took on an expression halfway between pain and amusement.

"What I would not give," Sirius continued gamely, spreading his arms out in a romantically dramatic fashion, "for someone to come along and capture this fantastic moment . . ."

By this time both girls above were fighting not to burst into laughter. Lily felt as if she were about to collapse onto the flat roof of the changing rooms that they were crouched on.

"Oh, Merlin alive, look at him!" Verity struggled to say, "he looks like he should be in a badly written play!"

"The sta-a-ands are ali-i-i-i-ve," Lily sang through her giggles, "with the sound of mu-u-usic!"

However, it seemed as if Sirius's performance had done little more than to amuse the girls on the roof. There had been nothing in the way of paparazzi-type behaviour from anywhere, and Remus and James had been trying very hard to spot anything. Sirius turned in James's direction and shrugged.

That's when it happened. A tiny burst of light flashed from the opposite end of the stands, lasting only a millisecond. It was a burst of light that looked suspiciously like the flash of a camera.

"There!" Lily shouted, spotting it first and James followed her pointing finger swiftly to an area in the stands where he saw the faintest flicker of movement. Like charging hippogriffs, James and Remus tore off towards where Lily had pointed while the Head Girl and her best friend began to climb down from the roof as fast as they could. Sirius, on the other hand, sprinted into the changing rooms and emerged a moment later, starting after the girls whilst simultaneously attempting to pull a T-shirt over his head.

Glimpses of their target through the wooden beams of the stands became more and more frequent to James the further he ran. It seemed to be someone quite short, and blonde, by the looks of it, who was sprinting desperately on the other side of the stands to him. At the nearest break in the structure, James crossed to the other side and was faced with a running view of a small girl, running for her life while a rather large camera swung wildly to and fro from her arm.

James was suddenly struck with an idea. Stopping his sprint he planted his feet on the ground and pulled out his wand, pointing it squarely at a decorative cloth that was draped over the nearby Slytherin sector of the stands.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" he commanded, and a Slytherin banner about three times the size of a double duvet cover slid swiftly off the wooden beams and flew straight towards the fugitive, surrounding her and collapsing on her in a jumble of green and silver cloth.

Whoever she was, she was still trying unsuccessfully to free herself from the tangle of the banner when the three Marauders, Lily, and Verity arrived next to it, puffing from their sprint. Muffled swear words only just came through from the pile of heavy cloth, and the seventh years glanced at each other as finally, a head protruded from the banner.

"My, my, such language from one so young," Remus commented.

"I think we should book her an appointment with a bottle of Miss Skower's, don't you?" asked James, crossing his arm and tilting his head to the side. This stance was authoritative and, Lily noted, quite attractive.

"Let me out, you- (insert double expletive here)," growled the small blonde girl from her prison, whom Lily had recognised as Rita Skeeter's younger sister. What was her name again? Alice? Anna? Annabelle? "My sister made me do it! She threatened me! She caused me bodily harm! Let me out!"

"Oh, we guessed that," Lily told her, wrinkling her nose. "Combination of factors, really. One being that your detestable sister has never been seen within six meters of any photographic equipment whatsoever, another being that you're kind of small and easy to influence."

"Shut up!" the girl snarled indignantly, "I am not easy to influence!"

"That's not my experience," Sirius said wryly, "clearly, you've been influenced by my manly stature and rugged good looks and although I hardly blame you, let's face it, aren't you like, eleven?"

"Yes, speaking of which, why in the name of magic are you stalking Sirius?" asked Remus.

"Well, duh, he's fit," the Skeeter girl said, as if Remus were dense and causing Sirius to nod smugly at the crowd in general. "Do you know how much money there is to be made from photos of the popular at this school?"

"Really?" asked Sirius, sounding intrigued. "What kind of money would you be talking about?"

"Sirius!" Lily exclaimed.

"Sorry," he muttered quickly. "Yeah, stalking, photographs, emotional trauma, right, got it."

"Exactly," nodded Lily, "good boy."

Unfortunately, the blonde in the banner had managed to free an arm from the jumble and was now waving it around and pointing at things while she shouted at the seventh years.

"You've got nothing!" she yelled gleefully, "Nothing, you hear? You'll never take me alive! Never!"

"Dearie me," Verity remarked, looking at her friends appalled. "Whatever would your mother say about this?"

In an instant, the girl's went from a look of almost maniacal joy to trembling panic.

"Oh, Merlin," she muttered quietly, "You can't tell my mother, you can't! You don't understand! She's worse than Grindelwald! She'll dismantle my camera and tie the pieces to my facial features with wire!"

"Really?" frowned James.

"Well, no, but as good as," muttered the blonde. "She'll probably be very angry and confiscate my camera." It seemed over-statement ran in the Skeeter-bloodline. The seventh years looked at each other. Here was a way of bringing down the smaller of their foes.

"Wait, hold on," Lily said to the Gryffindors, spreading her fingers in the discovery of a marvellous idea. "Look, Anna? Is it?"

"Anita," the girl said poisonously.

"Right, Anita," Lily said, half apologetically. "Listen. You don't . . . like your sister much, do you?"

"What?" demanded Anita, "Of course not. I think she's a puffed up social reject who takes out all her angst on innocent bystanders with that sad-case newsletter of hers because she's too ugly, mean and thick to get a date with him," she motioned at James.

"Yeah, that's good," nodded Lily thoughtfully while Verity gave a small round of applause. It wasn't clear whether she was talking about Anita's reaction or her last comment about her sister.

"OK, Anita, how's this for a deal?" Lily continued. "We carefully omit any mention of this little incident to you mum, and in return, you help us in our plan to bring down your nitty, cruddy, half-baked, spineless, dung-faced cow of a sister."

"Get stuffed," growled Anita, giving her standard reply to any sort of deal she was offered nowadays.

"Oi," James said, outraged, "If your not careful, Skeeter, I'll confiscate your camera myself!" He stepped forward but found Lily's hand on his chest. Her touch confiscated a beat from his heart.

"Just . . . just . . . calm, OK?" Lily said soothingly to the situation in general. "Anita, this is the best deal you're getting. All we need is a little help from you in which you get your little first-year friends together and do some . . . errands for us. This way, you get to keep your camera and we get to give your sister what she rightly deserves. It's a win-win situation."

There was a moment of silence while Anita considered this proposal. The Marauders and Verity confided among themselves with looks. Already Lily's plan was beginning to sound good.

"Fair enough," Anita nodded. Lily smiled.

"Brilliant," she said. "Now let's get you out of that carpet. Green and silver should never be forced on anyone."


Rita Skeeter was having the best day of her life.

Considering how shallow and relatively meaningless her life was, this was not much of an achievement, but it was, sadly, the best day of Rita's life.

Hogwarts Hearsay had spread through the school like a magical form of the plague. The one hundred and fifty copies she had posted around the school had all vanished from the wall within three hours of release and had obviously been duplicated and duplicated over and over again until absolutely everyone in the castle had seen it. The image was everywhere and wherever she went, Rita heard people whispering about it.

"How do you think she got the photo?"

"Could it possibly be true?"

"I never would have guessed it."

"I reckon it's a load of bollocks, personally."

"Is Lily Evans's necklace floating?"

People were actually coming up to her and offering their congratulations! Admittedly, they were only fellow members of the James Potter Appreciation Society whose member base was in the vast majority both Hufflepuff and female but this hardly mattered. The most reaction Rita had ever gotten from any of her articles before had been an inkbottle thrown at her in Advanced Divination.

Any moment now, she told herself, sitting in the Ravenclaw Common Room. She was at one of the many studying tables, but instead of doing her Charms homework, she was doodling things such as the design of her wedding dress and listing songs to be played at the reception. A running theme throughout her doodlings was little hearts with the letters 'RS' and 'JP'. Any moment now, James Potter would walk into the Common Room (how he would know the password presented a slight continuity error in her daydreaming), stride over to her, snog her passionately like characters did in romance novels and say something along the lines of:

'Oh, beautiful, marvellous, radiant, lovely Rita. After you cleverly exposed that devious Evans's scandalous dealings with that detestable villain Snape, I have seen the monstrous error of my ways and now my heart belongs to you and only to you. Marry me, my darling and let me give you a life of workless, worriless luxury with the help of my huge personal fortune."

Any moment now.

The entrance to the Ravenclaw Common Room opened.

"YES!" Rita shouted passionately, flinging her arms out and waiting for James Potter to propose undying love.

Everyone in the room, including the person who had just entered (not James Potter but some ginger first year) stared at her with expressions of mild shock or greater annoyance.

Fuming in defiant grumpiness, Rita sat back down again and resumed her doodling.

When someone tapped her on the shoulder, she jumped and quickly rolled up her parchment, jerking her head from side to side before coughing into a pout and adjusting her hair with her middle finger.

"What?" she demanded of the startled looking first year who had only just entered. The girl's orange hair puffed slightly as she mumbled.

"Excuse me, Rita Skeeter," she said, seeming as though her was reciting lines for a play. "I think you were right."

"About what, you annoying little ginger?" Rita said nastily.

"About Lily Evans and Severus Snape."

"I . . ." Rita said, speechless. "I was?"

Wordlessly, the first year pointed at the exit and without waiting for further information, Rita lunged in that direction.

Right? she thought, right? Did this mean Evans and Snape were really snogging passionately in some broom cupboard somewhere? Oh, this was too marvellous to be true! If her stories were in fact correct, there was no way James Potter would not abandon his pathetic thing for Evans and ask her out instead!

It was after about fifteen seconds of running that Rita realised that she didn't have a clue where she was going. Breathing out through her nose in anger, she slowed to a stop and looked around. She thought of going back to the Common Room to extract more information from the ginger, but a moment later, she heard something that would save her the trouble.

Two other first years were whispering on a stone bench to her left, their heads bent behind copies of Hogwarts Hearsay. Creeping closer, Rita strained to hear what they were saying.

"Actually, I think Rita is completely right," a straight haired boy was saying loudly, making Rita's eavesdropping job rather easy.

"Of course," nodded his curly hair companion, glancing oddly at Rita every so often, "didn't you just see them? Lily Evans and Severus Snape just went past here together only a minute ago."

And without Rita even having to ask, the boys pointed their forefingers further down the corridor in bizarre, wordless unison.

However, Rita didn't notice this but instead grinned and scurried off in the direction of their fingers. When she came to one of the large shafts of moving staircases she found she didn't know where to go next. Cursing, she looked hard for any sign of that stupid Head Girl with her ridiculous hair and her creepy new boyfriend. However, the noisy, shifting staircases presented no more than irrelevant students.

"Did you see them? They went up that staircase just now! Lily Evans and that weird bloke from Slytherin!"

Rita spun round and found a small freckled girl talking animatedly to another boy over the crook of a staircase. Or at least, the girl was talking animatedly enough for Rita to hear.

"Of course I saw them," the boy replied. By their ties, they were both in Gryffindor but could not have been higher than second years. "And of course I happened to note where they were going. Sixth floor, south-east corridor, it was. Would you like me to tell you again? Sixth floor, south-east corridor."

Once again, Rita did not notice the two younger student watching her slyly because she was too busy riding a moving staircase from floor to floor, making her swinging way towards the south-east corridor on the sixth floor.

Arriving there quite out of breath, Rita almost tripped on someone sat just inside the beginning of the corridor. It was a first year girl from her own house and as Rita gathered herself and prepared to tell the girl off for almost sending her flying, she noticed that the girl was talking into what looked like a hand-held mirror.

It might have seemed a little odd that the small girl did not even look up at almost being tripped on, but continued talking to whomever was in the mirror. Needless to say, Rita stepped back and tried inconspicuously to listen to the conversation.

"Yes, they passed this way 'bout thirty second ago, I would say."

Rita huffed. This was no help.

"Well, then they went straight on down this corridor, turned right at the statue of Barbara the Bearded, carried on until the third left, along that corridor with portraits of past Heads and took a left when they came to Gordon de Shedding, headmaster from 1523 to 1601."

If Rita had not shot off to follow the directions and waited for a reply from the person in the mirror, she may have noticed that the first year was talking to a certain Head Boy, who, a few seconds after the little first year girl had finished her speech, said,

"Did it work?"

"Yeah, I think so," nodded the Ravenclaw, glancing at the retreating form of Rita as she skidded, turning right at the corner. "She's on her way now."

"Brilliant!" grinned the image of James in the mirror, "Next time there's a Hogsmeade trip, I'll bring you all back a bag of Honeydukes pick 'n' mix on me for your trouble. Spread the word."

"Oh, wow! Cheers!" smiled the girl, getting up from the floor, "But I think we're all just happy to help you bring down that mean old slag, excuse my Mermish, Mr Potter."

Far from cursing, Rita was congratulating herself on a job well done. As she took the third left and ran along the long line of portraits on the wall, she told herself that it would not be long until James Potter himself was taking her out to Hogsmeade and Lily Evans was the laughing stock and social outcast of the school. At last, respect and popularity would be hers!

Rita couldn't resist a small snigger as she stumbled to a stop in front of Gordon de Shedding, headmaster 1523 - 1601. The man in the portrait was a very round sort of figure with a circular red nose and a purple velvet pointed hat that drooped down to his elbows. Rita looked him up and down.

"Yes, that's me," he nodded, "Gordon de Shedding, headmaster from 1523 to 1601. That's Gordon de Shedding, headmaster from 1523 to 1601. A lot of people seem to be taking a left when they get to my portrait."

"I see," sniffed Rita, "and would these people happen to have absurdly coloured red hair and be accompanied by the ugliest boy alive?"

Gordon de Shedding averted his eyes in dismissal.

"I thought her hair was very nice."

Rita congratulated herself on her interviewing skills and took a left. As she hurriedly turned a corner into a Transfiguration corridor, she bumped into someone.

"Ah!" Rita shouted in a tone of mild disgust as she eyed up her sister. "What the blazes are you doing here?"

"What?" asked Anita, affronted. "Can't an innocent little first year take her innocent little first year-type stroll?"

Rite snorted.

"Innocent little first year my arse," she said. "Now listen, you insignificant louse, you must have seen where Evans and Snape went."

"I might have done," Anita said cryptically while absently fingering a lever on her camera.

"Fabulous," replied Rita sarcastically, "so if you don't tell me where they went, so help me Merlin, I'll . . ."

"All right, all right," Anita quipped back. She nodded to the door beside them. Rita examined it.

It was a relatively plain door compared to the majority of others at Hogwarts. Made of simple pine, the door had a silver plaque on it that read 'CLEANING SUPPLIES'. Above it, someone, (probably the signed) had written in a bad scrawl 'Mr Filch's' and below it 'Keep out!'.

"A maintenance cupboard," summarised Rita. "Merlin, I would have thought Evans was classier than that."

"You know what?" Anita said, getting into her role, "me too."

Rita's eyes flashed over her sister's camera.

"You!" she hissed, grasping the straps of the camera around Anita's neck and very nearly strangling her sister. "You're coming with me. This is likely to be the best scoop I ever make. Plus, of course, the best moment of my life after James Potter proposes to me. I need a photo of everything."

"Of course, sister dearest," Anita smiled sweetly, while thinking 'James Potter propose to you? You're off your rocker, woman.'

Dragging her sister round to face the door, Rita took a deep breath. This was it. This was what all her hard work added up to. Smiling craftily, she put one hand on the doorknob, wrenched it open, propelled herself and Anita inside and slammed the door shut behind them. There could be no escape for Evans and Snape now.

"Hello, Skeeter."

This was perhaps the last thing Rita expected to hear upon entering the maintenance cupboard. Perhaps because it was not 'Oh, Merlin, Severus, someone's found us!' or 'Get out and shut the door, this cupboard is taken!'. Also perhaps because it was not Lily Evan's voice or Severus Snape's voice she heard, but James Potter's.

A brief thought entered Rita's head that it may not be so bad to be stuck in a dark maintenance cupboard alone with James Potter, and she decided then to tell Anita to get out and shut the door, however she didn't have a chance because a moment later, someone had clapped their hands twice and the candles in the cupboard lit up.

Four candles in a relatively small space about the size of a tool shed was more than enough to illuminate not two people as Rita had expected, but five.

James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Verity Hooch and Remus Lupin.

"You!" screeched Rita, pointing a sharpened nail at Lily. "You were supposed to be in here with Severus Snape!"

Remus and Verity turned to James.

"We'll be outside." They left, smirking at Rita as the Ravenclaw bristled in confusion.

The Head Girl put a hand on her hip and smiled at her.

"Now, Rita, did you really believe that?"

"Half the first year told me so! Along with a bloody portrait!"

"Oh, gosh, yes," Lily said through her smile, the candlelight shining in her eyes. "They were very helpful to us in acting as guides, weren't they, James?"

"Yep, cracking," nodded James.

"As entertaining as this is," Sirius interjected cheerfully, "I'll be getting some fresh air." He winked at Anita on his way to the door.

"Me too," the younger Skeeter said, following Sirius to the door.

Rita was beginning to get angry.

"This is ridiculous," she spat. "I don't know what you could ever see in this little tart, James. In case you hadn't noticed, she hates you. She's completely wrong for you and she far from deserves you. You'll never be together, but you and I have a wonderful future."

James fought not to gag as Lily was thinking hard. She had to get Rita away from the door if their plan was going to work.

"Merlin, Rita," she said pityingly, "for a gossip queen, you really aren't with the times, are you?"

"What?" demanded Rita, who was, by now, really wanting to hit the Head Girl.

"Potter and I got together last week," Lily said, snaking her hand through the crook of James's elbow. James looked down and tried to keep his heart rate steady. He knew it was all part of the plan, he knew Lily was only trying to aggravate their enemy, but that didn't stop him enjoying the feeling of her clutching his arm to her and putting her cheek on his shoulder.

"What?" Rita repeated, tilting her head forwards as a bull might before charging. "No."

"Actually, yes," James nodded, "I asked Lilo out last week and she said yes. It was partly your doing really."

"Yeah, you see, Potter was just so nice to me about the awful things you wrote in your pathetic little newsletter," Lily told Rita, "I guess your plan didn't work that well after all."

Lily smiled wider as Rita's breathing got shallower and more ragged.

"What's the matter, Rita?" the Head Girl asked. "Are you ashamed of losing to me? Ashamed of losing to someone with hair this colour? Or are just ashamed of losing to someone who was so sure to win?"

Rita let out a scream that sounded like fifty Quidditch referees all blowing their whistles at the same time through a very long tunnel. It was a scream that felt like it was thickening your blood and making your eardrums shrivel up in fright. In that moment, what Rita wanted more than anything was to kill Lily Evans, dismember her and stick all her body parts up like she was sticking up the new issue of Hogwarts Hearsay.

As Rita lunged towards Lily, continuing her screaming, Lily and James stepped separate ways, allowing the screeching Ravenclaw to careen off behind them and crash into a pile of bottles containing various cleaning fluids. Smiling at each other, they made for the door, stepping out into the corridor and locking the door behind them.

When they turned around, they found not only their friends, but the entirety of the first year and a few others who were curious about what was going on.

"Well done everyone," nodded Lily, "that went as smoothly as anything. You were brilliant."

"Now what?" Anita asked, obviously not impressed.

"My dear accomplice," James said, "do you honestly think we would go to all this trouble to lead your sister into a cleaning supplies cupboard without spending all of today . . . preparing this cupboard?"

A few of the first years glanced at each other in anticipation.

"Evans! Evans! You utter cow! Let me out!" came the muffled sound of Rita's voice from the other side of the door.

"Let's see," Remus said, tapping his lower lip as there came the sound of Rita banging on the door. "Banging on the door makes the lights go out."

"Hey! That's not fair!" Obviously, Rita was feeling the effects of the Gryffindors' 'preparation' and the door handle started to jiggle as Rita battled with it.

"Turning the handle," Sirius pointed out, "turns on the water jet charms."

There was a shriek from inside the cupboard and the carpet under the door began to turn dark with the soaking of water. Sniggers began to rise from the crowd gathered around the door. Five seconds later, there was another, louder shriek.

"She must have gotten her wand out," Verity said understandingly, "doesn't that replace the water with-"

"Pond algae," nodded Remus.

"Ahh Urg! Alohamora!"

"Ouch, the 'Alohamora' charm," Lily cringed.

"Was that the one that releases the catches on the pixie cages?" asked James.

"Ah! Ah! Ah! Get off! Get off me! Get out from down my top, you little freaks!"

"Obviously, yes," remarked Remus with a smile.

"Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"

"Casting any other charm," Sirius narrated for the benefit of the first years, "causes the nose to swell up and go turquoise."

From then on, it seemed as though Rita had a very bad cold from the sound of the things she was shouting.

"Gut of! Gut of!" she cried. "Lut me out! Lut me out dis instunt! You nasty, fulthy bunch of little muggots! Argh!"

The prisoner's shouting ceased for a moment and the group outside the cupboard heard a faint hollow knocking of wood against wood.

"Oh, I hope that's her picking up a broom!" hissed Verity excitedly.

"Makes feathers grow out of the ears," Remus said casually to the crowd.

Bang, bang, bang!

"Whereas banging the broom on the door produces straightforward boils to the face and hands," explained James.

"Urg"

"It's a bit old-school, but we thought we'd pay tribute."

By this time the sniggers from the crowd of students were quickly turning into laughter.

"I hope she sits down on a tin of paint soon," Sirius said. "That's the one that puts troll mucus in your shoes."

"Which is the one that turns your hair into blue straw dreadlocks?" asked Lily.

"Kicking a bucket in frustration," Remus said.

"Oh, yeah, that was a good one," smiled James.

"I wun't fuget dis! Yu'll ull be sowy! Wita Skeeta wun't stand for dis kind of hoomiliashun!"

"Should we let her out soon?" Lily asked, narrowing her eyes in thought.

"Yeah, go on then," nodded James, and the crowd shifted in excitement.

"Alohamora" Remus commanded and the lock on the cupboard door clicked.

There quickly followed the sound of Rita rushing forward and crashing into the door in a mad bid to get out. As the door swung open, Rita squinted into the light coming in through the corridor. She felt and looked utterly ridiculous. The crowd assembled outside burst into thunderous laughter as Rita took stock of the damage. She was soaked through with water and a thick, faintly green substance. She was covered in algae and pond weeds and the bottom half of her vision was obstructed with the huge blueness of her nose. The pixies still in the cupboard had a wad of her blonde hair between them and she was sure there were still two of them down her top. Her hair was blue and made of straw, there were feathers coming out of her ears and boils on her face and hands. She cringed as some kind of goo squelched out of her shoes as she stumbled forwards out of the doorframe.

Everyone outside was laughing at her. Rita pulled a furious face as she tried to think of something cutting and dignified to say. Nothing came. So she simply screamed at them all.

"ARRRGGHHH!"

Lily smiled at the disgusting monstrosity that staggered out of the cupboard. Dealing out justice where it was due felt very, very good. Silently, she held her hand out to Anita.

"Aw, Skeeter, go on. Give us a smile!" James said from by her side.

"Yes, Rita," Lily said raising Anita's camera to her face. "Smile for the camera."

Rita grimaced as the flash went.


a/n

What's better than a tub of Haagen-Dazs and the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge? Not much, I'll tell you that.

I'm very sorry, but I have bad news. Lately, my chem teacher has gotten a bit pissed off with us because we never do any work and never do what we're told and generally are well on our way to failing our exam. So she has come up the genius idea of giving us a seating plan! So, I used to be at the back, where I could scribble my chapters down in peace, now I am right in the front row! Where she can see me! I can't write anything! I'm actually learning stuff!

This cannot go on, otherwise I will never have the chance to write a single word.

The Big Dance: Aw, I hope you're better, honey. Thanks for the review, as you know, I'm a fan of any kind of review.

drumer girl: OK! OK! OK!

razzle-dazzle-me: Thanks a lot, will do.

Lala: Hehe, I thought so. Fortunately, not the broom closet activity you were thinking of.

Anne-Janet: Yes, there's nothing like a good prank to cheer Sirius up.

Celina Black: Thank you for the compliments, I'm glad you enjoy my way of telling a story. I hope the flashes make sense now. Anita was using them for her own personal gain, cunning little thing.

supergirl: Hopefully you're right, Lily and James are getting somewhere. Thanks for the review!

mika-mitch: Ouch, sorry you got in trouble for reading my story. Biology sucks. I hope you had fun at the beach, you lucky thing.

IamSiriusgrl: Over active imagination, much:D No, I do the same thing. Thanks for the review!

everblue3: Thanks for owning up to liking my fic. :D I think the Quidditch metaphor helps to keep the story going somewhat. It was a pleasure to hear from you.

abilars: Sirius had become slightly unhinged due to the unusual amount of quick flashes he had been seeing around him. But he's OK now, thanks for asking. :)

Elspeth Renee: I'm very glad you liked the chapter and that you didn't have to waste paper on it. Thanks for leaving me a note, always a pleasure.

SnakeEyesHannah: Thanks for saying lovely things. It's nice you think there was a certain continuation between the two chapters, I'd have never noticed that. Sirius shirtless, works every time. :D

FrighteninglyObsessed: Well, I hope that the broom closet activity was different than the kind you were imagining, or it would have spoilt the surprise. :D Yes, Peter, is in my fic, but he's kind of . . . weedy and stupid and someone to say all the stupid comments that Sirius and Remus would never say. Thanks for reviewing yet again.

GlassBroomstick: Yes, I had a bit of a gagging fit writing that bit, but I suppose it had to be done. Thank fluff it's over.

Thunder's Shadow: I did read your fic, didn't I? Yes, I remember reviewing it, and enjoying it very much. Everyone else should go read 'A Sirius Matter' because it's a lot of fun.

Alcapacien: Thanks for the note, things did get progressive on the L/J front, didn't they?

Jillian Jacobs: Sadly, no snogging, but very close.

Miss Lady Marauder: What? No! Verity wasn't to blame! How was she to know? Don't you like her? Besides, I feel that if a kiss had taken place, there would have been hell to pay if the two of them hadn't gotten some things sorted out first. Patience, my young reviewer, patience . . .

walkingcensure: I hope you're not dead. Please review otherwise I shall call an ambulance.

MelissaMarie: Wow, that was dramatic bow. Thanks for being so lovely. Darling, if I were ever to receive an award, it would only be on your behalf.

helloshanti2: Your favourite story ever? I'm so flattered. I'm so very glad you're enjoying it. Good times all round.

Breziebear: Yes, no computer doom. Good to have you back.

Tsusetsu: Cheers. How's the whole band thing going?

Ethuiliel: Thank you very much! I promise fluff soon!

Unregistered-Animagus: (Joins in happy dance.) We're so rockin'.

Lady of Masbolle: Sorry about the image. I like to tease. :D

limbo-gal: Thanks so much for writing such nice things. Yes, sadly JK created the world, I just like to play in it. :D

The ORIGINAL Meathead: Haha. It's nice that you liked the chapter, thanks for leaving me a note. Little did you know the prank WAS the closet. I'm so cunning to mislead you. :D

Cestari: OK, thanks!

milky way bar: Very concise. :) Till next time.

snazzysnez: Thanks for your enthusiasm! They were close this time too, weren't they?

Tracey: Your emails are nice! In fact, they kind of help because they get me in typing mood. One of the worst bits of writing fics is typing them up. It is tedium-city. I am amused by situations like that. Fortunately, they happen often enough at parties and the like. :D I'm so evil. Yes, I like that line too. Verity is inspired.

Call-Sugarhigh-Police: Do you have a donor card? You know, just in case you do die? Obviously I'm hoping you won't because then you wouldn't be able to read any more.

shortywithbrains: Yes, photoshop is magic. Thanks for reviewing. I hope Sirius was at least slightly more comical than Winky, who I found a bit scary, to tell you the truth.

kiwislushie: Yes, yes, I believe they did. :D

soccerchic1989: Fear not, Rita went down. Don't you worry. Thanks for reviewing!

geckaclark: Cliché is the bane of my life. Arg, I hate it. Thanks so much for you note.

charbar: I like purveying fanfic high. Joy all around. Hist c/w is now finishes, is it not? Good. P.S. this fic is a PG, if you wish for that type of thing, go elsewhere, although I would not have expected it from you, dearest. :D

naidel: HAHAHAHAHA! You're the funniest thing ever, I love you.

MissMrprk:)

SiriusProtege: Yes, Rita seemed like a good villain, or at least a fun one to write anyway. She amuses me so. However, now she is out of the way, we can get down to some nitty gritty fluff.

Sushinase: I'm glad you like the chapter. It amuses me when people squee. It's so cute.

JamieBell: Yeah, I always have dreams like that! When I read that bit in that (fabulous) book, I though: 'Gasp, story of my life!' But you are perfectly right about the hug jazz. Never pass up a hug from someone you like, especially someone as hansom as James, if you can possibly help it. Good advice.

raj: Hm, maybe it was a bit too fast. I don't know. I guess I just wanted to get Rita going down as fast as possible. Also, I think James has known Lily long enough to know that if she had kissed Snape, she would no longer be at Hogwarts, but running off to live as a nun. Thanks for you comments, I do need to slow down then, yes?

Flame Of Desire: I'm glad Sirius amuses you. Thanks so much for the note!

newsieduckling: I don't know about Sirius. He's much funnier on his own. I don't want him getting all inspired any time soon, that would never do. I also reserve judgement on Remus and Verity. Hm . . . the cogs in my brain are a-turning now. :D

Ang: Prank! Haha. James just knows.

siriusforeva: And yet so far . . . haha. Keep reading!

Sheyana: Cheers! Always a pleasure!

Next chappy:

Sirius and Remus turn wedding planners
Witches never go to the loo on their own, (well known law of nature)
Lily recites the epic tale of one day in the life of someone who is a mate of James

Lots of luff, your exhausted author