Thanks to my three lovely reviewers, Suuki-Aldrea, Sirius Sweetie, and Culusomething I don't feel like looking to find the rest of your name. It makes me feel just dandy to get reviews, and they make me update faster. Suuki-Aldrea-no, the concert isn't over yet. There's more, much more yet to come, bwahahahaha! Also, Culumacilinte, I'm not quite sure about the Jack/Hermione thing. Maybe it would work, but I'm still wondering. Anyway, On with the show!

After the interesting fiasco with Jack and Hermione, Dumbledore called upon someone he knew was far too stupid to do something that interesting. Aragorn sang "The First Cut is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow, looking meaningfully at Arwen the whole time, as he had been rather lonely lately. For some reason, the girls at Hogwarts didn't go for his whole "I'm the poor, lowly ranger who's going to become the powerful King of Gondor someday soon" act. Who knew? After Aragorn finished his song, and everyone else finished laughing two tall guys made their way onto the stage. One picked up a guitar, and the other one took the drums. Random audience members were picked for the rest of the band. As the intro started, some of the stranger Hogwarts students started smiling, ready to sing along to their favorite singer.
"Way back when ah was just ah littl' bittah boy, living in ah bahx" the singer began. The entire Fellowship, Arwen, Harry, Elizabeth, Ron and Hermione froze.
"That's Pip!" Elizabeth hissed, terrified that Dumbledore would realize who was singing. Merry was obviously the one playing lead guitar, too. The insane Weird Al obsessives were singing along, as they knew all the words by heart.
"Under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast" by now, even the people that didn't know the words were for some strange reason trying to find out what they were, so that they could sing along too. Merry and Pippin were just standing on the stage, smiling down at everyone.

"Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single mornin

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said, "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old" Someone had managed to Accio the lyrics from Merry and Pippin's dorm. A huge crowd had congregated around the boy, and everyone was trying to read the lyrics. They were of course, failing miserably.

"That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah" A seventh year had managed to remember the copying charm they had learned that day, and was trying to make copies of the lyrics for everyone. She kept messing it up though, and she had about three copies in German, two in Japanese, seven in Yiddish, and one in Quenya. When Legolas and Arwen heard this they grabbed it, and started singing along using that copy instead.

"Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?" by this time even the teachers were attempting to see the lyrics, and Dumbledore pushed through the crowd. He flicked his wand twice, muttered something, and suddenly everyone in the Great Hall had a copy of the words. And he saw that it was good, and there was much rejoicing.

"'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ahhhh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean" So everyone finally managed to find where they were in the song, and they were all singing along. They finished up the song in fine style. Wait a minute. It isn't even close to the end of the song. Whatever, they still finished it up in style.

"Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the Spectra Vision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say, "Who is it?"

No answer,

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"WHO IS IT?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said, "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said, "You got any bear claws?"

He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

(rabid gnawing sounds)

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"

I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't cha get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

(screaming sounds)

You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)

"L" (L)

"B" (B)

"U" (U)

"querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque (A/N-sorry for all you people who hate lyrics written out. I couldn't resist, this is a really funny song)

Albuquerque" the song died out as the final guitar solo ended. Everyone started blinking strangely, and looking as though they were waking up. Dumbledore glared at Merry and Pippin.
"You charmed us so that we would have to listen to your disgusting Weird Al and actually LIKE IT! You filthy little hobbits!"
"Actually," Pippin offered. "It wasn't us that was charming you. That was Fred and George,"
"PIPPIN!" Merry glowered. "You weren't supposed to tell him that!"
"Whoops, sorry,"
"OUT!" Dumbledore rumbled. "Out. I will meet you in my office tomorrow. You will be punished for this," Merry and Pippin slunk out of the room. "Next, we have Professor White, hopefully performing a rather sedate version of 'Yesterday', by the Beatles,"
Gandalf sang well, although the performance was marred slightly by the fact that he kept glancing at Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle while singing. Isn't he just so subtle? After Professor White Arwen sang "Barbie Girl", while dancing in a fashion similar to that of Legolas, however she did not perform a strip tease, much to the dismay of her new fan club. Suddenly, it seemed there was no one left to perform. Except for one person, who was trying to find the darkest, most shadowy corner to hide in, and not succeeding, as Harry, Hermione and Aragorn were attempting to drag her onto the stage. She was putting up a pretty good fight though, and she almost managed to break loose once. Thankfully Ron, Gimli and Legolas were waiting for just such an occasion to help out, and she was caught before she went two steps. When they finally managed to get her on stage, she realized that she would never win, and she stopped fighting. The company slid off the stage, and left Elizabeth alone as the lights dimmed and quiet music started.
"How soft a whisper can get, when you're walking through a crowded place. I hear every word being said. And I remember that every day, I get a little bit closer, to you. How long an hour can take When you're starting into open space When I feel I'm slipping further away I remember that everyday I get a little bit closer to you, you," the crowd had quieted, as Elizabeth was singing with such feeling and grace. The song seemed to flow straight from her heart and out across the crowd.

"These are the days That I won't get back I won't hear you cry Or hear you laugh And when it's quite And I don't hear a thing I can always hear you breathe

You know there's nowhere else I've wanted to be Than be there when you need me I'm sorry too But don't give up on me And just remember that when you get asleep I got a little bit closer to you, you," Elizabeth opened her eyes, and looked out across the crowd, a shy smile playing at her lips. No one noticed when her gaze lingered slightly longer than was necessary on a certain someone. Slowly, the applause began, and grew into a tumultuous roar. Elizabeth joined her friends, as the DJ (Lee Jordan) stepped onto the stage, and the line appeared for requests. Most of the younger students made their way upstairs to dorms, and the older students headed towards the dance floor. Legolas was mobbed by his fan club demanding another performance, which, surprisingly also contained a second year boy. The elf led the obsessive fans outside, and thankfully no one could hear what they were doing over the music. Lee had put on "White Flag" by Dido as a request from Aragorn. Harry glanced at Elizabeth.
"Do you want to dance?" she nodded, shy again. They danced for a while, edging closer as each new song began. Finally, around one o clock, Harry leaned towards Elizabeth, and their lips met softly. The music swelled, the narrator scoffed, the crowd gazed, and suddenly, a figure appeared in the front of the Great Hall, surrounded by a green glow. Harry and Elizabeth pulled away from each other to stare at the person, as everyone else in the hall was doing.
"Is the microphone working?" came a squeaky voice. "Ok, I think it's on now. Hrm, erm, BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Hand over Harry and no one gets hurt!" Most of the people in the Hall started giggling, but there were a few shrieks and squeals from the more squeamish students. "Hey! You're all supposed to scream and maybe cry! You're not supposed to laugh!" suddenly, two high-pitched shrieks of terror sounding, echoing around the Hall for many minutes afterward. "That's more like it! Anyway, I'm Lord Voldemort, and you shall all BOW before me! BWAHAHAHAHA!"
"Get out of here Moldy Voldy!" Dumbledore ran forward, brandishing his wand.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
"Ok, just as long as you leave,"
"Ok then, but you have to promise not to call me that!"
"I promise,"
"Ok, I'm leaving," Dear Moldy Voldy whined, and disappeared in a whirl of lights and color.
"Well okey dokey, that's just a wonderful villain, now isn't it?" the narrator asked, sarcasm dripping from every syllable.
"WHAT?" everyone demanded.
"Never mind, forget I said that,"
Ok, sorry for misleading you into thinking this was a long chapter when it was mostly song lyrics. Hehe, I know I'm evil. Anyway, if you like it REVIEW! If you don't like it, REVIEW anyway. Just tell me what you think, and the more reviews I get, the sooner I update, and the longer the chapters are. So what are you waiting for? REVIEW!