For disclaimers, notes and warnings please see Chapter 1

Chapter 2: Breaking the Surface

After a few seconds of stunned silence Joyce's reaction to Buffy's statement is explosive. She bolts from the room while the Scoobies remain completely shell-shocked. I turn to look at Buffy --not quite knowing what to say or do under the circumstances-- and I see her standing there alone, with her eyes shut, her fists clenched tight at her sides and almost visibly shaking. She's in full fight or flight mode even though neither one of those options is likely to help her now. I am torn between staying with her and trying to help her calm down or going after Joyce who I now realize has been followed by her own friend. I know Buffy is not really ready to listen to anything I could possibly say. For the time being I am powerless to help her and I hate it.

A part of me fears what the Scoobies might say if they were to pull themselves out of their shock but the rational part of my mind knows I can't afford to stay with Buffy to protect her from them, not now. There's just too much at stake and I am aware that what I have to say to Joyce can't wait. No matter how long I put it off I know she's not going to like it, so I decide to seize the moment and after glaring a silent warning to the Scoobies I squeeze Buffy's shoulder, ask her to wait for me and lie to her by promising that everything will be fine. A slight nod is the only sign I have that she's even heard me but I know that's all I'm going to get for the time being. With that minimum level of reassurance I leave her to go after her mother, determined to get the woman to agree to do what I know must be done.

She may be happy to have her daughter home but I know right now Buffy cannot be allowed to stay here. They are both going to need some space if Joyce is to have a chance to deal with the fallout from Buffy's revelation without causing her daughter any additional damage. Whether she likes it or not Joyce is going to have to readjust some of her expectations, she's going to have to come to terms with the knowledge of what her daughter went through and with her share of the blame for what has happened. It may not have been the best way to put it, but Buffy was right when she said that her mother just expects her to come home and pick up where she left off, that Joyce wants her to be the same girl she used to be and the fact is that she may not be able to be that person right now.

I am not blind, I know Joyce deeply resents my role in her daughter's life and that is bound to make this even more difficult but for the time being I believe what's best for Buffy is to stay with me for a few days so that she'll be able to get reacquainted with her mother without the constant pressure of her expectations and the ghost of the way things used to be.

In spite of my earlier resolve I find myself hesitating outside Buffy's room, where her mother has taken refuge, surrounded by her memories of the girl who ran away and clutching a familiar stuffed pig to her chest. I know this must be done and I know her confusion is something I must take advantage of but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I knock on the door and when she turns to me the look on her face is almost enough to make my previous anger at her callous treatment of her daughter disappear.

Once again I see Joyce's friend with her but this time I don't let my manners hold me back. I tell her that I need to speak to Joyce privately and ask her to give us a minute. She doesn't look happy about that and she turns to Joyce hoping that she will tell her to stay. I'm relieved when she repeats my request... I can only hope she won't go back downstairs. I really hate this situation with the Scoobies unable to understand and me literally having to be in two places at once. I should be with Buffy right now and I'm determined to get this over with as quickly as I can.

The moment Joyce's friend leaves us alone I just blurt it out, knowing that there's no delicate way to say this.

"I want Buffy to come stay with me for a few days."

"No, absolutely not. She just came back and I'm not letting her out of my sight."

"I understand that. You want to keep her safe, as do I, but right now this is not the best place for her."

"This is her home!" she almost screams.

"Yes, I'm not denying that," I say, knowing that I'm going to have no choice but to be the rational one here, "but can you honestly say that you will be able to deal with your feelings regarding what she just told us without hurting her, without blaming her, without making her feel like a disappointment... without making it worse for her?"

"I don't know, can you?" she challenges me.

"I don't know," I admit honestly, "I can try but the truth is I'm not sure, however I'm not her mother. I don't want to take her away from you, that's not what this is about. This is about what she needs and right now I believe she is more likely to make it through this with my mistakes than with yours. She's going to need you to be there for her one hundred percent and in order to do that you are going to need some time to pull yourself together."

"But to let her go now..." she trails off.

"At least that way you'll know she's safe. Earlier tonight she was ready to take off again, are you willing to take that chance?" I wait until I see Joyce shake her head and then I go on, "coming home is not going to be easy for her, all I want is for her to have the space she needs to do it, to give her a chance to reintegrate gradually into her life. I don't think she will be able to do it living here. Look around, do you think she's ready to cope with all these reminders of the way things used to be? For months you've kept this room almost like a shrine, waiting for Buffy's return. I would have done the same thing, I'm not blaming you for it, all I'm saying is that you made sure everything here remained unchanged but you couldn't keep Buffy herself from changing. Try to put yourself in her place and then take a look at this place, try to imagine how this room looks to her, what memories it brings back."

"So, we can redecorate," she says, trying desperately not to think.

"You may have to," I tell her, "eventually, but right now a paint job won't help you. You know I love Buffy as if she were my own, you know I'd never hurt her and right now we both want her to be safe... we want her to feel safe. The point is that we both want the same thing: We want Buffy to come home and be whole but that won't happen unless we give her a chance to decompress. She was down too deep for far too long and right now surfacing too soon could kill her so it's going to have to be a gradual process and we are going to have to work together if we want to get her there."

"How long?" says Joyce, catching me totally off guard.

"How long what?" I ask.

"How long would she have to stay with you?" she explains.

"I'm not sure," I tell her honestly, "I'd have to try and talk to her first, get a better idea of how bad it really is before I can even begin to answer that question. I guess it's probably going to be somewhere between a week and a month. As long as it takes for both of you to feel comfortable around one another. You will be able to see her whenever you want, of course, but you will also have the option to put some distance between you if you feel you are about to hurt each other. You wouldn't be able to do that if you were living together."

"And how can you be so sure you won't hurt her yourself?" she asks.

"We have no expectations when it comes to living together, she has never stayed with me before so I'm hoping that will eliminate a major flash point," I explain, "also, as I said, I believe right now she's far more likely to survive my mistakes than yours. I love her, but even if something were to happen in these coming weeks that were to damage our relationship beyond repair I would lose her, but I think she would still have a good chance to make it through this. As her mother you just don't have that kind of leeway."

"You care for her that much?"

"Yes."

"We'll do it your way, at least for now... and thank you."

I sigh --relieved by the fact that we seem to have come to an understanding of sorts-- and then Joyce looks at me and asks the dreaded question, "so, do you know how are we supposed to get her to agree to go with you without making her feel like I'm rejecting her?"