For notes, warnings and disclaimers see Chapter 1

Chapter 4: The Day After

The night was long to say the least. I downed a couple of shots but I knew I couldn't afford to get drunk no matter how much I wanted to. I kept thinking about Buffy's summer, wondering what if anything she could have done differently... what I could have done differently but that didn't help. I wish Buffy would have at least agreed to take the bed but she insisted on sleeping on the couch pointing out that she is both shorter and younger than I am. I felt like a cad but I was all too aware of the fact that I have to pick my battles and I knew that for the time being pushing that issue would have been a bad idea. If Buffy were to feel guilty for kicking me out of my own bed she would be more likely to insist on going home before she's ready to spare me the discomfort and that could turn out to be a disaster. As I said it was a very long night and I don't think the day is likely to turn out much better. I am worried about leaving Buffy alone right now but it can't be helped. I have to go to work and I have to talk to Joyce, to see what we can do about putting our differences aside long enough to help her through this.

The thing is that by the time I get to talk to Snyder I am ready to kill and for once he notices... I don't even have to threaten him too much, a couple of references to taking the situation to the courts, a few carefully timed glares and he caves as I knew he would. Buffy will be readmitted on a trial basis and the little troll will be expecting her and Joyce tomorrow... he doesn't need to know that she's staying with me for the time being.

Later today I'm going to meet with my slayer's mother to discuss Buffy in what I hope will be a more rational manner. Last night we were both running on rage, shock and emotion... today I'll have to tell her what her daughter told me and I'm not looking forward to it. At first I thought it would be best if she were to hear it from Buffy herself but I don't think Buffy is ready to go over it again just yet. The conversation we had last night was enough to leave her emotionally drained and I certainly don't want to run the risk of her being hurt by her mother's instinctive reaction. I've gotten to know Joyce a little better over these past three months and one thing I've noticed about her is that she does not handle guilt well and she does have a tendency to shift the blame when it gets to be too much for her. I saw it when she blamed me for Buffy running away after she had told her not to come home and I don't even want to think what could happen if she were to blame Buffy for what she went through in LA. The fact is that Joyce has a tendency to shoot the messenger and I'd rather keep Buffy out of the line of fire.

After almost fifteen minutes of pointless chit-chat Joyce finally looks at me and asks the question we had both been trying to avoid.

"Have you been able to talk to her at all... you know, about what she said yesterday?" I bite back a sad smile when I realize I'm not the only one having a hard time saying the actual words. I have the feeling that this whole conversation is bound to be one long euphemism and even last night Buffy herself seemed to have taken her cue from me and was very careful in how she phrased things... I was grateful for that, even though she certainly wasn't glossing over the facts.

"Yes, we talked a bit. It was bad," I tell her before explaining most of what I'd learned about the past couple of months in her daughter's life, leaving out the details of Buffy's plan B for her return to Sunnydale. Joyce remains quiet, she doesn't try to stop me nor does she ask any questions but I can see her growing increasingly pale as the story unfolds... not that I can blame her.

"How is she, really?" is all she can bring herself to ask once I'm done.

"I'm not entirely sure, right now I think she's more confused than anything else."

"Do you think I could see her?"

"Of course, you don't need to ask for my permission to do that. She is your daughter and it's not my intention to come between the two of you, however I'd like to ask you to make absolutely sure you don't blame her for what she's been through when you talk to her no matter what she says. She doesn't need to feel like we are judging her right now, she has enough to deal with as it is."

"Last night... I know my reaction didn't help matters but I really wasn't expecting her to say something like that."

"Neither was I. I know it's little comfort and I know it doesn't change the shock of what happened but I think part of the reason why she phrased it like she did was merely because she was scared. I think she feared you would send her away when you found out so she tried to put it in the most shocking way possible. She probably just wanted you to get it over with."

"I understand. So about what she told you, do you think she really had no choice?"

"It's not so simple. I believe her when she says she didn't think she had a choice, I'm just not sure whether or not that was truly the case. You have to understand that when she ran away she must have been feeling terribly disoriented and she was probably overwhelmed by both depression and guilt, she had good reason to be. She was wanted for murder, her friends had been hurt, I had been tortured and she had been forced to kill the demon who had been her only love," I say, being careful not to mention Joyce's role in that fiasco, "I just don't see how she could possibly have been thinking straight at the time and that may have played a role in everything that happened afterwards but even without that her situation was desperate enough and the law was against her in more ways than one. Did she have any other choices available to her? I can't tell, I wasn't there, however, in spite of everything, I can't help but fear that there may well have been a part of her that felt she deserved to be punished and that may also have played a major role in how she reacted... whether she was aware of it or not. In the end I don't believe it really matters. Right now we don't have a choice, we have to deal with the aftermath of what's happened. We can't afford to waste our time and energy thinking of what might have been and Buffy certainly can't afford to have us second guessing the choices she was forced to make under extreme circumstances. If we were to start blaming her for those choices I believe we could very well get her killed."

"This is the second time you've mentioned that this could kill her. I'm not saying it would be good for her and I certainly want to do everything in my power to make sure she comes out of this as well as she can but aren't you being a little melodramatic? You don't really think her life is literally in danger, do you?"

"As a matter of fact I do. I don't think you realize just how serious the situation is right now. Buffy's self-image, her self-esteem and her self-confidence have all been badly damaged as a result of this experience."

"Yes, I understand that but..."

"No, you don't understand. That 'but' would apply to any other girl but Buffy is the slayer and the fact is that a slayer with no self-confidence will hesitate and a slayer who hesitates will die. It really is that simple."

"Is that why you are so worried? You don't think she will make it?"

"I am deeply worried, I won't deny that. I know the situation is extremely serious however I still believe that with our help Buffy will have a fighting chance to beat this, but we have to be very careful."

"Maybe we should get her to a councilor, wouldn't that help?"

"I'm not sure. Under normal circumstances I would agree but I'm not sure Buffy would respond well to that approach and unfortunately she is too old for us to be able to press the issue. Even though legally she's still a minor we can't really force her to accept help without alienating her so I'm afraid that request is going to have to come from her and I can't see her making it any time soon. We can make an offer but it's going to have to be up to her to take us up on it."

"So what can we do?"

"Provide her with as much support as we can. The truth is that things are likely to get worse before they get better. I don't think Buffy is aware of just how difficult coming home is going to be and the way in which she handled things yesterday may just have made everything that much worse. I tried to do some research today at the library, looking into ways to help her but I'm afraid it didn't go too well. It seems like psychologists have a hard time agreeing on something as simple as the fact that the sky is blue and as a result there are all kinds of contradictory theories as to how a situation such as this --or any other situation for that matter-- should be approached. No matter what one of them advises the next one will recommend doing the exact opposite. For the time being I think the best we can do is simply to try and get her settled into some semblance of a routine as soon as we can. We have to get her back in school, training and even slaying."

"Well, I'm afraid school is going to be a problem. I tried talking to Snyder but he wouldn't even hear of allowing her back even though all charges have been dropped. I made some inquiries into a couple of private schools but she was dead set against them... and after what we've learned I don't think she could possibly fit into them anyway, even if they were to accept her, which I doubt."

"That shouldn't be an issue. The two of you will meet with Snyder tomorrow and Buffy will be readmitted to Sunnydale High. Maybe after that you could spend the rest of the day together. I think she needs to know you are willing to listen however you should be very careful not to push her... and no matter what you do do not blame her. Let her work things out at her own pace," I say worriedly. Buffy needs her mother by her side but I can't help but feel nervous just thinking about the damage this woman could do with one poorly timed remark.

"Relax, I'm not going to hurt her. You are babbling almost as much as Willow."

"Sorry, it's just that..."

"That you want to keep her safe? Don't worry, I understand... in fact, believe it or not, so do I."

"It's just that you will have to maintain a very delicate balance. You have to be careful not to write her a blank check to do whatever she wants while at the same time you can't afford to hold her back in an attempt to shelter her. It is important that you don't say anything that could aggravate the situation and..."

"And what will you be doing? After all, for the next few days she will probably be spending more time with you than with me." Joyce interrupts me and I realize that this is probably the fourth time I've warned her about the exact same situation.

"Basically the same thing... only with a lot more bruising," I say shaking my head.

"More bruising?"

"As I said, it is important to help Buffy get back into a reasonably normal routine as soon as possible and that includes training... and since training has always been a sort of escape valve for her when things get rough I'm afraid it will get a bit more violent than usual. It wouldn't be the first time," I muttered distractedly thinking back to her reaction after being drowned by the Master.

"Is it safe?"

"For her? Perfectly, I couldn't hurt her even if I wanted to, which I obviously don't. I promise I'll be careful."

"I meant for you," Joyce points out.

"I trust her to have enough control not to do any serious damage... don't worry it's not something I haven't been doing ever since I met her and it will give me a better idea of just where we stand and how she's coping."

"You do realize that I hate this whole slayer business, don't you? And I still don't understand why Buffy had to be chosen or why can't someone else just take her place so that she can go back to living a normal life."

"Well, there can be only one slayer at any given time and the only way to call a new one is when the previous one dies so Buffy will be the slayer for as long as she lives and..."

"Are you saying that there is only one slayer? That doesn't make sense! I remember quite clearly that Buffy mentioned that the girl she had been accused of murdering was another slayer, how can that be?"

I realize with a sinking feeling that I'm going to have no choice but to tell Joyce about what happened with the Master and I am entirely sure she is not going to be happy about it.